SHOCKtober Day 2

 

After yesterday's wigifesto here at The Old Final Girl Place, you might be surprised to see that today's featured favorite character is in fact an actual character and real human person. To this I say: hey, I have no idea where the rickety-ass haunted minecart that is SHOCKtober will take us, so let's just sit back, pop a handful of Brach's Mellowcreme® Autumn Mix, and enjoy today's stop...

KITTY THE TOOTHBRUSH QUEEN IN ONE DARK NIGHT (1982)

I love One Dark Night because it is a movie that truly has it all: 

• oozy corpses
• tasseled boots
• a clique of girls who call themselves The Sisters and wear matching purple satin jackets that say SISTERS on the back in a cool font
• Meg Tilly
• feathered-and-beaded roach clips
• a dead, murderous, telekinetic Russian psychic
• E.G. motherfucking Daily
• a finale replete with dazzling effects courtesy of WETA Spencer's Gifts

and most importantly...Kitty! Who has a toothbrush in her mouth for at least 95% of her screentime.

Whether she's walking the halls of school or the halls of a local mausoleum, she's chewing on that brush. It's really weird and really gross and I love it!

Late in the proceedings, Carol finally gives voice to the question that has been plaguing the audience for at least an hour: umm, what's the deal with the toothbrush?

"I don't know," says Kitty. "I guess I just like the way it tastes."

Sure, don't we all enjoy the cool refreshing sensation that a minty flavored toothpaste provides? At some point in human history, somebody said "I would like to experience the cool refreshing sensation of a minty flavored toothpaste even when I am not brushing my teeth" and then they invented the breath mint. At some other point in human history, someone else said "I would like to experience the cool refreshing sensation of a minty flavored toothpaste even when I am not brushing my teeth, and also I really enjoy chewing" and then they invented gum. I'm sure these goods were readily available in 1982, but Kitty is like "Fuck that, I'm not spending money on mints and/or gum, I'll just suck on my used toothbrush all day to the disgust of my friends and, once blogs are invented, to the delight of some horror blogger." And here we are!

But Kitty's toothbrush provides her with more than mere flavors and bacteria. It is perhaps her only real friend! In death (spoiler), she reaches out not for Carol or any of the Sisters, but for toothbrush, her beloved companion to the end.

Let us hope that toothbrush and Kitty crossed the river Styx together, and now they're grossing everyone out in Heaven.

One More Dark Night

About a month ago I saw a listing for a brand spankin' new Special Edition of One Dark Night and let me tell you, I clicked "add to cart" so fast that my finger actually caught on fire. It was very painful but so worth it. A horror movie from 1982 starring Meg Tilly? Yes and please! And then My Brain chimed in.

"You've seen this," said My Brain.

"No I haven't," I replied. "I would remember."

"You saw it once and you didn't like it."

"Haha, oh Brain," I said. "Stop trying to fool me with all of this FAKE NEWS. Didn't like it? Brain, you know my Meg Tilly feelings are everlasting, strong, and true. Not liking this movie falls into the realm of the unpossible."

"Why don't you check the Final Girl review archive if you don't believe me?"

"I will not be doing that. That's enough now Brain, I bid you good day!" I shut My Brain down completely so I wouldn't have to endure any sass, and for the next several hours I sat staring into nothingness and drooling all over myself. This, too, was so worth it.

Then lo, time passed (as it does) and the Blu-ray arrived. I secretly thought...hmm, I think I have seen this. I feel like maybe I didn't like it? Could My Brain have been right all along?

In search of answers I finally clicked the FG review archives and there it was. I had already seen One Dark Night, and no, I didn't like it. I gave it a 2/10! (Rating movies was a thing back then, what can I say.) Sure, sure, I had soldiered through a very rough cut of the film with no sound effects or music, but even so, I estimated that a fully-realized version would still only rate a 4/10 from me. While the film seemed to have the requirements for some delightful B-grade delight, I said that ultimately One Dark Night "could barely muster enough thrills to merit being called D-grade." So harsh! Would my feelings change more than a decade (!!!) since that original review?

Fuck yeah they would, are you nuts?

While relaxing in a tub filled with the blood of a hundred virgins every night ensures that somehow I become more beautiful with each passing year, it seems that I also grow wiser and, although surely no one thought it was possible, my taste gets better and better. What I am saying is that Past Me had no idea what's up, because obviously what's up is One Dark Night. This shit rules!

If you want a rundown of the plot, you can read that dopey old review. But I'm living in the now, baby, where all we talk about is what makes One Dark Night so great.

It is EG Daily at perhaps her feistiest. It is purple satin jackets and Kitty chewing on a toothbrush throughout the proceedings ("I guess I just like the way it tastes."). It is insults like "nerdlebrain" and "turkey", it is Spencer's Gifts-style blue movie lightning shooting out of eyes and fingertips. It's teenagers handing out downers (Demerol, to be specific) like it's no big deal. It's an army of telekinetically-controlled corpses dragging their toes as they float down the mausoleum hallway. It's grosser than its PG rating warrants, with slime and maggots and peeling skin; it's got sequences that are genuinely unnerving, whether it's girls scared into silence as they watch a coffin slowly open or those same girls getting all besheeted and laughing as they try to scare the life out of one of their own.

I will cut Past Me some slack, as the cut I watched–and, to be fair, the cut I probably shouldn't have reviewed–was designed to be a bonus feature for those who have already seen the movie. With a cruddy picture and no sound, I'm sure One Dark Night seemed far beyond salvation and completely without merit. To be fair, the movie does have some pacing problems and more than a few questions that remain unanswered after its abrupt ending. But when the blue movie lighting and corpses start to fly, it's a damn good time.

I am so glad I didn't listen to My Brain, otherwise I probably would have said "Oh yeah, that movie stinks" and subsequently canceled my order. Look what changes in opinion a decade can bring! What a fool I was! Should either of us–you and me, Reader–ever listen to My Brain? NO. Should either of us ever trust my opinion? NO.

Except now, when I tell you that One Dark Night rules!

Juliette Cummins Week Day 4: DEADLY DREAMS

Jeezalou, the late 80s were a dark time for horror. Despite an unwillingness to let go on the part of a few franchises, the slasher cycle was well and truly over, and it would be decades before the genre regained some of its bite. With the exception of a bright spot here and there, it's as if the world was simply horror-ed out for a while, you know? And while I'd like to say that Deadly Dreams (1988) is some lost classic or undiscovered gem...sigh. It is not.

But it is the movie crammed with the most homoerotic subtext since A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge, so hooray, all is not lost!

The story begins on a magical Christmas Eve. While his father argues on the phone about someone named "Perkins", young Alex opens an early gift and is thrilled that he's received what every boy- nay, what every child- wants: a glass reindeer.

This idyllic celebration is interrupted by a knock at the door. Alex opens it to reveal Perkins himself, wearing a hunter's outfit and a wolf mask and brandishing a shotgun. He blows away Alex's mom and dad like something out of Martyrs lite! Like, really, really, really lite!

Perkins tells Alex to run, then takes potshots at him as the kid escapes, which is really not a nice thing to do, if you think about it. Right as he's about to blow Alex away...

...Alex wakes up! Phew, it was just a dream, and Alex (Mitchell Anderson) is now all grown up and safe and sound in his college apartment that he outfitted exclusively with items from the Pier 1 Imports clearance bin.

Yes yes, Alex is plagued by dreams of Perkins the hunter. Or is Perkins actually hunting him? Well, Perkins is long dead. But what if he isn't? But he is. But then he's over there! Oh wait, that was just a dream. But then there's Perkins! Oh, but that was a dream, too. And so on.

There is a lot- and by "a lot" I mean "a metric fuck ton" of this "oh, it was just a dream" shit throughout the movie. Sure, maybe the title might give it away...but geez, the pattern gets so boring after a while when you realize that no one is ever really in jeopardy. Or are they?

No one believes that the hunter from Alex's dreams is real- not his best friend Danny (Thom Babbes, who also wrote the script), an obnoxious, self-professed ladies' man who uses his pre-med schooling for access to prescription meds. Cops assume Alex is on drugs. His new girlfriend Maggie (Juliette Cummins) thinks he probably just needs more sleep. Older brother Jack (Xander Berkeley) thinks Alex needs to "man up", you know, and quit with these lofty dreams of being a writer. Instead, he advises Alex to invest the trust fund he's about to receive into the family business. I just love that Jack has furnished his office with one of those lightning balls from the Executive Collection at Spencer's Gifts.

But Perkins keeps showing up at the darndest times, in Alex's dreams and in his reality. What are dreams? What is reality? Damn, Deadly Dreams will mess with your head!

Well, I don't want to give too much away here, because there are some pretty decent and nasty twists throughout. Then again, Deadly Dreams isn't that great. It's more thriller than horror. it's never received a DVD release and it's fairly obscure even on VHS, so are you really gonna track it down to check it out? I guess you'll just have to live in suspense until you do!

At this point, you're probably thinking, "Okay, so where's all this gay you were talking about?" Hmm, where to begin.

Let's begin with Danny, who is immediately jealous of Maggie for no apparent reason. "What can you possibly see in her?" Danny whines at Alex, who gives some blah blah answer when he should have just said, you know, who wouldn't fall for a girl who can do this? It's Cynthia Rothrock meets Fame, fer cryin' out loud.

Danny and Alex snipe at each other like an old married couple, which culminates in Alex yelling "I jinx you, pig bitch!" during a game of pool. After taking a Polaroid of a sleeping, topless Alex (because, uh, he thought Maggie was there, too! Even though she's clearly not!), Danny hops in for a cuddle.

Later he tries to convince Alex to go hunting with him. As he enthusiastically cleans and brandishes his rifle, he begs Alex to come along since he clearly "needs a little release."

Then he aims the gun at Alex and talks about the way "you can feel this rush come over you!" But he's totally only talking about hunting. Yes. Hunting.

There's just so much more, even beyond that Mitchell Anderson (who actually is a big gay) spends most of the film shirtless for one reason or another. And I mean, come on...

That shirt! I'd say I'm reading too much into it but it's all pretty obvious if you watch the film. And anyway, subtext is the best (well, second best after...text...I guess), so tough!

It's too bad that Deadly Dreams is so GD lethargic, because there's a decent movie in there somewhere, and when the film's nasty side shows it's enjoyable (and I'm not just talking about that spinning bed sex scene) (you guys, there's a spinning bed sex scene). Unfortunately, it's buried beneath a big pile of too many dreams and it's not remotely "horror" enough.  Alex is a rather annoying leading man- when he's not yelling, he's whining- and you don't ever really care if Perkins is only in his mind or not. I will say, however, that he has my sympathies for continually being given shitty, shitty gifts, from the glass reindeer to the mounted deer head that Maggie buys him.

Most of all, it's good to finally see Juliette Cummins in a lead role instead of relegated to basically "Victim Number 4" status.

Is the payoff at the end of Deadly Dreams worth all the drowsy downtime it takes to get there? Probably not. Then again, what else are you gonna do with your life, hmm? Even sub-par 80sVHS horror is better than what you have in store, I'm sure.

Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice

Can you believe that the world had to wait until 1992 for a CotC sequel? Sure, eight years is an awfully long time, but let's face it: finery such as this needs to gestate. You can't rush a masterpiece, amirite? I am.

I know what you're thinking: sure, masterpieces can't be rushed. But Stacie, are you really calling Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice a masterpiece?

OF COURSE I AM! Look, the movie begins with a corpse party when all the dead adults of Gatlin, Nebraska are found. Usually we have to wait until the last ten minutes of a horror movie for someone to stumble upon a room full of bodies- but not here. The Final Sacrifice flouts conventions and busts out the awesome right from the get-go and it just doesn't stop. To wit, the film features:

• a character- whose last name is Casual- wearing a t-shirt with shoulder pads
• a sadistic youth wearing the same shirt as CotC's Malachi...but he's named Mordechai
• a wise Native American named Frank Redbear who tells the story of the corn and stuff via petroglyph reading
• "FRANK REDBEAR"
• the line "What is all this shit about the corn?"
• there is some fine-ass world's first CGI / Spencer's Gifts effects going on as New Isaac Micah's body is disassembled and...reassembled?...in the void? I don't know, there were a lot of globular things floating around
• everything in the two movies so far is apparently caused by moldy corn
• we are regularly treated to He Who Walks Behind the Rows-Cam. He Who Walks Behind the Rows really gets around, and perhaps should also be called He Who Stands by the Side of the Road and/or He Who Hangs Out in the Woods
• the children of the corn take control of an elderly woman's electric wheelchair via remote control and steer her out into traffic...she is then hit by a dump truck. Woman and chair fly through the air and crash through a storefront window and it's probably the best thing I'm going to see all day ever
• the Good Guys (including Shoulder Pads Casual) set Frank Redbear atop a funeral pyre in the middle of a corn field (don't worry, he was dead) and then drive off into the sunrise, never stopping to consider that perhaps there's a Gladys Redbear or something out there who may want to know where the fuck her husband is

I mean, I kind of feel like The Final Sacrifice is a secret that's been kept from me for the last 20 years. HOW COULD YOU? HOW COULD ALL OF YOU?

Now then, I am on to the third film. How does this make sense when Part II was supposed to be the final sacrifice? I can't wait to find out!

Oh, and remember: today is the Corn-ening-a-thon. If you haven't pitched in to the Alex and Jo fund, please consider it!

like sisters

From David DeCoteau, director of The Brotherhood comes...dun dun dunnnnn...The Sisterhood, a tale of stuff that totally happens.

The stuff totally starts to happen right away as some girl and some guy are making out on some bed, when all of a sudden some other person in a robe comes in and the make out girl is all "I'm so sorry! Don't do anything to me or I'll tell all your secrets!" and she splits, but the robed figure chases the girl up to some rooftop and then the girl falls off onto some sidewalk and dies. The Sisterhood wastes no time! The Sisterhood means business!

At some future point, Christine (Jennifer Holland) arrives at College University (or whatever), a place of higher learning that suspiciously resembles a chain hotel.

But no matter! It's what's inside College University that counts–and what's inside is Barbara Crampton, professor of Abnormal Psychology! Surely Barbara Crampton has a wizened old painting or two tucked away in her attic, because she apparently hasn't aged at all since her Re-Animator days.

...you are getting sleeeeepyyyyy...

During class–which is held in a room that suspiciously resembles a hotel conference room–a magic marker floats up and writes CHRISTINE on a dry erase board (that's right–no chalkboards at College University!). Christine freaks out and runs away. What's going on here? Was it a truly magic magic marker?

Christine returns to her dorm room (which suspiciously resembles a hotel room) and promptly uses her brain power to light a candle. Christine, you see, has eerie powers! Did she write her own name on the dry erase board? Don't worry: the movie never tells you, but in the end that's the only logical explanation. However, if that's true, then it's not logical that Christine would flip out over it. Don't worry: nothing in The Sisterhood makes sense.

Meanwhile, there's a sexy sorority on campus called BAT (Beta Alpha Tau or whatever) and they're interested in recruiting Christine. This turns out to be a fortuitous development, for Professor Barbara Crampton already asked Christine to pledge–there's something hinky going on at the BAT house, and apparently only Christine and her eerie powers can stop it. What's the evil secret of the BAT house? You may want to sit down for this big reveal:

They all sit around drinking wine and making out.

Yes, girls making out with other girls, even though they're girls. I mean...that's the evil that Professor Barbara Crampton is talking about, yes? And the "temptation" that Christine must avoid while she's in the company of BATs? It must be, because there's nothing else going on at the sorority whatsoever. I mean, when Professor Barbara Crampton says "You can't allow them to entice you into doing anything you've never done before, or you'll be one of them!" and it coincides with this shot:

...well, what are we supposed to think? Duh, it's all about catching The Gay. Not surprising, as this is a David DeCoteau film, and his films tend to be totally gay without being at all gay because gay doesn't sell but David DeCoteau is gay and makes gay stuff. Pick up The Brotherhood or any of the zillion sequels, put on some gay glasses, get out your homo decoder ring and see what you think. It's fun to spot veiled messages!

The messages at the BAT house don't stay veiled for long, however, and as a new pledge Christine is forced to stand by awkwardly and watch HBIC (Head BAT in Charge) Devin (Michelle Borth) make out with some other chick as techno music plays.

Then some wind appears out of nowhere, and the scene is still awkward and not at all erotic.

Devin tells Christine that they have to wait a week to perform the real initiation ceremony, because the ceremony requires a full moon. Of course, the moon has been shown in the film about 86945 times by this point, and it's already full.

And thus begins a cycle: Christine goes to the BAT house, there's making out, techno music plays, Professor Barbara Crampton reminds Christine to resist temptation, we wonder why Professor Barbara Crampton is so uptight, blah blah blah.

Devin has somehow gotten wind of Christine's eerie powers and asks for a display. Christine obliges, literally, turning into a display from Spencer's Gifts:

What are these eerie mind powers, I wonder. She sparkles and can light candles, but they're just called "mind powers." It's not quite telekinesis, it's not quite telepathy...then I remember that The Sisterhood doesn't make any sense and I stop wondering.

It seems that Devin is truly evil, for she sleeps with Christine's goody goody "I'm waiting for marriage" not quite boyfriend Josh, and she totally corrupts him! He goes from being a studious nerd:

...to walking around the hotel campus dressed all in all black. He keeps his shirt open, he stops caring about school, and he...and he...wears sunglasses!

This humiliation only strengthens Christine's resolve to fight against the temptation of wine-drinking and bisexuality, much to the relief of Professor Barbara Crampton. They have a meeting in which everything and nothing is explained: apparently Devin is immortal and has been corrupting innocents for 400 years, while the ancestors of both the teacher and the student have battled her throughout the centuries. Christine is all, "Oh."

Hooray, the moon is finally full(er) and it's time for the initiation ceremony. It looks like every other evil college initiation ceremony you've seen, what with the requisite robes, coffin, candles, and "belonging to the darkness"es.

But oh no for Devin! Somehow she didn't notice that one of the four robed figures is actually Professor Barbara Crampton, who reveals herself to be...Professor Barbara Crampton, Vampire Slayer. Yes, it seems that the BAT girls are all vampires. I would have noticed this earlier, except it wasn't even vaguely alluded to whatsoever for the first 80 minutes of the film.

The final showdown the world has been waiting hundreds of years to be is a real nail-biter. Christine uses her eerie mental powers!

This causes an Adobe lens flare.

This weakens Devin long enough to allow Professor Barbara Crampton, Vampire Slayer to plunge a stake into the vampire's heart. This causes Devin to turn into the opening title sequence from The Thing...

...and then she explodes. SHE EXPLODES.

Just when you thought the world was safe, however, things poop on your neck: the world is not safe! Christine makes a mad grab for power and becomes head of the BATs! She and her sisters head off into the sunset to presumably make out and drink wine, because that's all they ever do.

Just when you thought the world was unsafe, however, things poop on the poop on your neck: the world is totally unsafer! Apparently it takes more than exploding to stop the mighty Devin, who is still alive. Or undead. Or whatever the fuck she is.

What's odder than the fact that she survived being blown up, however, is that a girl was buried all bloody and fanged with a stake sticking out of her chest and nobody seemed to care. I guess the coroner and funeral home of College University Town are really phoning it in at this point.

Wait, I forgot–The Sisterhood doesn't make any sense! I know I've made it seem as if it might make a little sense, but it doesn't. It really doesn't. In fact, it feels as if there are large pieces of the script missing. There are huge leaps of logic in conversations, and those conversations are themselves cobbled together out of nothing.

Though there's lots of making out and wind machines and techno music and underwear-clad boys and girls, none of it is a turn on at all. No one ever actually has sex or really does much more than awkwardly kiss and sway back and forth while almost-hugging. It's odd, because you think that sex would be a big selling point of a movie like this. It's not even remotely the softcore movie you're pretty much expecting, but it acts like one. The Sisterhood is...I don't know, eunuchcore or something.

The biggest shock of all, however, is that this film was released in 2004. It feels so damn 1990s, from the music to the hair to the clothes (vests!) to that Melrose Place-esque arm-in-arm stroll out the gates of College University.

I really can't recommend The Sisterhood...or can I? I mean, I was entertained, just not in the way you want from a horror movie. I mean, it features Professor Barbara Crampton, Vampire Slayer and a bisexual vampire explodes. Now that I think about it, it's pretty much the greatest movie of all time!