Quotes

Hair

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Hippie Protester: The draft is white people sending black people to make war on the yellow people to defend the land they stole from the red people!

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Prison Psychiatrist: And men?
Woof: Men? What do you mean?
Prison Psychiatrist: Do you have any sexual attraction towards men?
Woof: You mean if I'm a homosexual or something like that?
Prison Psychiatrist: Yeah.
Woof: Well, I wouldn't kick Mick Jagger out of my bed, but uh, I'm not a homosexual. No.
Prison Psychiatrist: Well tell me, can you tell me why you're so uptight about having your haircut?

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Woof: [singing] Blond, brilliantined, biblical hair
Berger, Hud, Woof: My hair like Jesus wore it. Hallelujah! I adore it! Hallelujah! Mary loved her son. Why don't my mama love me?

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Berger: Bukowski!
Claude Bukowski: Yes, Sergeant!
Berger: Let's move it out!
Claude Bukowski: Yes, Sergeant!
Berger: Double time, soldier.
Claude Bukowski: Yes, Sergeant!
Claude Bukowski: Sir?
Berger: In the car, soldier!
Claude Bukowski: Yes, Sergeant!
Berger: Are you an asshole, soldier?
Claude Bukowski: No, Sergeant!
Berger: That's too bad, because I am.

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Jeannie: I know who the father is.
Hud: Yeah? You know that, you know a lot. If the baby comes out white and squishy, like, crying his ass off, then we know Woof is definitely the daddy. But if he comes out all beautiful and chocolate brown, that's mine.
Woof: "White and squishy"?
Hud: Yeah, man. White and squishy!
Woof: Listen, he come out and see your crazy black ass standing there, he's gonna be spitting watermelon seeds in your face, man.
Hud: You always open up your mouth before you even think. Get it. When this baby comes out and sees me, he's gonna be so happy and so proud. Do you know what he's gonna say?
[singing]
Hud: I'm a colored spade, A negra, A black nigger, A jungle bunny, Jigaboo, Coon, Pickaninny, Mau-Mau, Uncle Tom, Aunt Jemima, Little Black Sambo, Cotton pickin', Swamp guinea, Junk man, Shoeshine boy, Elevator operator, Table cleaner at Horn and Hardart, Slave voodoo, Zombie, Ubangi lipped, Flat nose, Tap dancin', Resident of Harlem, And president of The United States of Love...

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Woof, Hud, Berger: [singing] Oh say, can you see my eyes? If you can, then my hair's too short.

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Berger: Where you from?
Claude Bukowski: Oklahoma.
[Berger raises his hands, starts to walk away]
Jeannie: Listen man, I know what how it feels, I used to come from Kansas myself.

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Claude Bukowski: [On his decision to go to war] You do what you have to do, and I'm going to do what I have to do.
Hud: Who are you doing it for?
Claude Bukowski: I'm doing it for *you*, man.
Hud: Oh, don't hand me that. Look, if you're doing it for me, don't, because if the shoe was on the other foot, I wouldn't do it for you.

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'Aquarius' soloist: [singing] When the moon is in the seventh house, And Jupiter aligns with Mars, Then peace will guide the planets, And love will steer the stars, This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius...

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Berger: What do you say, Pop?
Mrs. Berger, George's Mother: What do you say what?
Mr. Berger, George's Father: If you need money, get a job.
Mrs. Berger, George's Mother: Money? You're talking about money? What you need money for?
Berger: Nothin', Ma, I just need it.
Mrs. Berger, George's Mother: Who is she?
Berger: Who is who?
Mrs. Berger, George's Mother: The girl. Who is the girl?
Berger: What are you talkin' about? There's no girl.
Mrs. Berger, George's Mother: Who is the girl? You can tell us everything, we understand everything! Tell us the truth!
Berger: What are you talkin' about, tell you the truth?
Mr. Berger, George's Father: Goddammit, every time you come home there's trouble. Why don't you clean yourself up a bit? Why don't you get a haircut? Get a haircut and I'll give you the money, you don't even have to pay it back.
Berger: [angry] You'll give me the money if I get a haircut?
Mrs. Berger, George's Mother: [to Berger] Give me your pants!
Berger: The pants are clean!
Mrs. Berger, George's Mother: Give me your pants!
Berger: [yelling] Why? They're clean, for Christ's sake!
[Mom gets upset and walks away; Berger follows her into the hallway]
Mrs. Berger, George's Mother: [softly] How much you need?

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Jeannie: So, do you wanna to get married?
Claude Bukowski: To who?
Jeannie: Me!

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Steve: We'll have it
[the money]
Steve: for you at four o'clock.
Berger: See, that's just what my other problem is, man.
Steve: What?
Berger: You're full of shit.
[Sheila laughs]

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Berger: [reading from draft card] Any person who alters, forges, knowingly destroys, knowingly mutilates, or in any manner changes this certificate, may be fined not to exceed $10,000 or imprisoned for not more than 5 years, or both.
[burns draft card]

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Berger: [singing Manchester England England]
Berger: I believe in God And
Berger: I believe that God Believes in Claude
Berger: That's him, that's him, that's him
Berger: [later, walking to the plane taking him to Vietnam disguised as Claude, singing The Flesh Failures]
Berger: I believe in God
Berger: And I believe that God Believes in Claude
Berger: That's me, that's me, that's me.

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Sheila: [after receiving Claude's letter] So, I was thinking of writing him. What should I say?
Jeannie: Oh! I wanna say something! I wanna say... um... tell him I said... um... Jeannie says 'Hi!'

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Chorus: [singing] Give me a head with hair, long beautiful hair, shining gleaming steaming flaxen waxen. Give me it down to there, hair, shoulder length or longer, here, baby, there, mamma, everywhere, daddy daddy hair! Flow it, show it, long as God can grow it, my hair!

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Sheila, Jeannie: [in song] Gliddy glup goopy, nibby nabby noopy la la la lo lo. Sabba sibby sabba, nooby abba nabba le le lo lo. Tooby ooby walla, nooby abba nabba. Early morning singing song.

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Woof: [singing] Masturbation, Can be fun, Join the holy orgy, Kama Sutra, Everyone...

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Berger: [singing] Once upon a looking-for-Donna time, There was a 16-year-old virgin, Oh, Donna, Oh, oh, Donna, Oh, oh, Oh, looking for my Donna...

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Woof: [singing] Sodomy, Fellatio, Cunnilingus...

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Berger: [singing] Claude Hooper Bukowski, Finds that it's groovy to hide in a movie, Pretends he's Fellini and Antonioni, And also his countryman Roman Polanski, All rolled into one...

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Claude's Father: Well, boy, don't worry too much. It's just these smart people thats gotta worry. The Lord will take care of the ignorant. You payin' attention?

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'Ain't Got No, Ain't Got No, Ain't Got No': [singing] Ain't got no grass, Ain't got no acid, Ain't got no clothes, Ain't got no pad, Ain't got no apples, Ain't got no knives, Ain't got no guns...

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Debutante #1: Don't even suck on it...
Debutante #2: Okay, now.
Debutante #1: If you don't want to burn your lips.
Debutante #2: Now.
Sheila: Now?
Debutante #1: Now start puffing on it.
Sheila: Now, now, now.
[tokes a joint]

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Berger: What's the matter man? Don't you trust me?
Claude Bukowski: Of course not.

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Berger: Look at that.
[points to a photograph next to an article in a newspaper about a Debutante Ball]
Claude Bukowski: What?
Berger: That's the chick on the horse.
Claude Bukowski: Oh, that's not her.
Berger: What do you mean that's not her? Look at it.
Claude Bukowski: Short Hills.
Berger: It's real close.
Claude Bukowski: That's today?
Berger: That's right. You want to go?
Claude Bukowski: Why?
Berger: Why? Don't you want to meet her?
Claude Bukowski: Don't you have to be invited to those?
Berger: Would you like to come to a party with me?

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Sheila's Father: Steve, see there's an odd-looking character over there. And here to the right, that chap over there. That colored gentleman over there with the girl. See those two girls there? Do you know them?
Steve: No.
Sheila's Father: Why don't you just unobtrusively see if you can find out who they are, how they got here, who invited them, and come back and let me know, will ya?

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Berger: [singing] I got my hair, I got my head, I got my brains, I got my ears, I got my eyes, I got my nose, I got my mouth, I got my teeth, I got my tongue, I got my chin, I got my neck, I got my tits, I got my heart, I got my soul, I got my back, I got my ass...

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'White Boys: [singing] White boys are so pretty, Skin as smooth as milk, White boys are so pretty, Hair like Chinese silk...

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Hud: Do you understand about cosmic consciousness and all kind of that shit? Because, that's what I'm talking about, baby.

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Berger: I am ridiculous. I'm totally ridiculous. I'm ludicrous. I don't want to go over there and murder women and shoot babies.

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Berger: What do you want? You want to be a hero with a gun? A big macho dude in a uniform? Is that what you want, man? Huh?

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Claude Bukowski: [singing] Where do I go? Follow their smiles, Is there an answer, In their sweet faces, That tells me why, I live and die? Follow the wind song, Follow the thunder, Follow the neon, In young lovers' eyes, Down to the gutter, Up to the glitter, Into the city, Where the truth lies, Where do I go?

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Woof: [singing] She asked me why, I'm just a hairy guy, I'm hairy, noon and night, Hair that's a fright, I'm hairy, high and low, Don't ask me why, Don't know, It's not for lack of bread, Like the Grateful Dead, Darling...

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Berger: Look, man, don't be stupid. I mean, how are you gonna get the bread? You don't know anybody on the streets. How are you gonna get the bread? Huh?

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Hud's Fiancee: I want to stay with you.
Hud: You can't.
Hud's Fiancee: Why not?
Hud: Because, you can't! That's why not. I said so! Look, we've got a friend in trouble and we have to help him. Now, baby, that's all you need to know about. So why don't you just go on back home?
Hud's Fiancee: I never said you couldn't help your friends, Lafayette.
Hud: Goddamn it, woman! I ain't no Lafayette! Shit! Don't you understand nothin'?
Hud's Fiancee: [singing] How can people, Be so heartless? How can people, Be so cruel? Easy to be hard, Easy to be cold, How can people, Have no feelings? You know I'm hung up on you, Easy to be proud, Easy to say no, Especially people, Who care about strangers, Who care about evil, And social injustice...

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Black Boys, Black Boys, Black Boys: [singing] Black boys are delicious, Chocolate-flavored love, Licorice lips like candy, Keep my cocoa handy, I have such a sweet tooth, When it comes to love...

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Berger: Get your pants off and come on in!

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Sheila: Let me do that again. Ohh! Okay, I'll blow one, and then you blow one, and see if they can, you know, like I'll, you blow one through one of mine. Okay? Ooh! There, they did it!

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Berger: ... Are you sure you're not confusing us with somebody else?
[chuckles]
Berger: I had no idea we looked so dangerous to you.
MP: I'm not listening to you any longer; you listen to me. I want you the hell off my base. Got that? Thank you. Have a nice day.
Berger: [DELETED LINE, clearly disgusted] Yeah, whatever; your parents were a pimp and a hooker, both commies. Then again, you just said you weren't listening to me anymore. So, no harm no foul, right?
MP: [DELETED LINE, furious] Why, you sorry piece of...!
[He pulls his gun, while Berger shifts into reverse and backs up at full throttle... just missing an approaching Army jeep, which is run off the road. As the MP fires on the car, Berger hits the brakes and does an automatic U-turn. Berger and Company squeal off, while the driver and both passengers -- a Major and a Colonel -- poke their heads up from the jeep to see who's firing]
The Colonel: [DELETED LINE] YOU! JUST WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE SHOOTING AT, MISTER!
[the MP discards his now-empty gun and turns away, then pulls his helmet down over his eyes and mouths "God help me."]

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Sheila: [singing] Good morning, starshine, The Earth says hello, You twinkle above us, We twinkle below, Good morning, starshine, You lead us along, My love and me as we sing, Our early morning singing song...

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Sheila: [singing] Singing a song
Jeannie, Hud's Fiancee: Sing a song, Song a sing
Berger, Sheila, Jeannie, Hud's Fiancee, Woof, Hud: Song-song-song, Sing sing-sing, Sing song, Song-song-song, Sing sing-sing, Sing song...

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Woof, Jeannie, Hud, Hud's Fiancee, Claude Bukowski, Sheila: [singing] Singing our space songs, On a spider web sitar, Life is around you and in you, Answer for Timothy Leary, dearie, Let the sunshine, Let the sunshine in, The sunshine in, Let the sunshine, Let the sunshine in, The sunshine in...