- Jack Colton: What did you do, wake up this morning and say, "Today, I'm going to ruin a man's life"?
- Joan Wilder: What is all this?
- Jack Colton: All this? About five to life in the States, a couple of centuries down here.
- Joan Wilder: Oh, marijuana.
- Jack Colton: Oh, you smoke it?
- Joan Wilder: [defensively] I went to college.
- Jack Colton: My minimum price for taking a stranded lady to a telephone is 400 dollars.
- Joan Wilder: Will you take 375 in traveler's checks?
- Jack Colton: American Express?
- Joan Wilder: Of course.
- Jack Colton: You've got a deal.
- [first lines]
- Grogan: What's it gonna be, Angelina?
- Joan Wilder: [voiceover narration] It was Grogan: the filthiest, dirtiest, *dumbest* excuse for a man west of the Missouri River.
- Grogan: So, you can die two ways, angel: quick like the tongue of a snake, or slower than the molasses in January.
- Joan Wilder: [voiceover narration] But it was October.
- Grogan: I'll kill you, goddammit, if it's the Fourth of July! Where is it? Uhh. Get over there!
- Joan Wilder: [voiceover narration] I told him to get out, now that he had what he came for.
- Grogan: Not quite, angel.
- [spits]
- Grogan: Take 'em off. Do it! Come on!
- [Angelina kills Grogan by throwing a concealed knife]
- Joan Wilder: [voiceover] That was the end of Grogan... the man who killed my father, raped and murdered my sister, burned my ranch, shot my dog, and stole my Bible! But if there was one law of the west: Bastards had brothers, who seemed to ride forever.
- Joan Wilder: Why won't you take the elevator?
- Mrs. Irwin: Oh, pumpkin, I never get into an elevator alone. You know... rapists.
- Jack Colton: Goddamn it, I knew I should've listened to my mother. I could've been a cosmetic surgeon, five hundred thou a year, up to my neck in tits and ass.
- Joan Wilder: Excuse me, mister. Can you tell where can I get to a telephone?
- Jack Colton: No, lady. I don't have any idea. I'm sorry.
- Joan Wilder: But it's very important that I get to one.
- Jack Colton: Well, we've all got our problems today. Don't we?
- Joan Wilder: Can you tell me where the nearest town is?
- Jack Colton: English speaking? How about Miami?
- Joan Wilder: Will there be another bus?
- Jack Colton: Another bus? This is it.
- [looks around a deserted, dirt mountain road]
- Jack Colton: You've got rush hour.
- Joan Wilder: I need to get to Cartagena.
- Jack Colton: Cartagena? Angel, you are hell and gone from Cartagena. Cartagena's over there on the coast.
- Joan Wilder: But they told me this bus...
- Jack Colton: Who told you that? Who told you this bus was going to Cartagena?
- Joan Wilder: That man...
- Jack Colton: That nice man who pulled a gun on you? What else did he tell you?
- [last lines]
- [Jack shows off his new crocodile skin boots made from the crocodile he has killed]
- Joan Wilder: I like your boots.
- Jack Colton: Yup, that poor old yellow-tailed guy... developed a fatal case of indigestion. He died right in my arms.
- Joan Wilder: I can't blame him. If I were to die, there's nowhere on earth I'd rather be.
- Jack Colton: I couldn't stop thinking about you. I even read one of your books.
- Joan Wilder: Then you know how they all end.
- Jack Colton: Yeah. Hi.
- Joan Wilder: Hi.
- [they kiss passionately]
- Jack Colton: [Jack and Joan find the stone in a cave] Jesus Christ, we're in a lot of trouble.
- Ralph: [surprising them, holding a gun] Understatement of the year, asshole.
- Jack Colton: [to Joan] Is there anybody who *isn't* following you?
- Ralph: Put the goods in the bag.
- [Jack surrenders the stone]
- Ralph: Now move it, before Batman comes home.
- Jack Colton: I understand you have a car. We would like to buy it or rent it, we need to get to a town.
- Juan: What do you call this I'm living in, a pigsty?
- Jack Colton: Oh, no this is great...
- Juan: Hit the road.
- Jack Colton: No, senor, see we...
- Juan: Hit-the-road.
- Jack Colton: But we...
- Juan: [points a gun at him] Vaya con dios, gringo.
- Jack Colton: [Jack and Joan back off and turn around, to find that all of Juan's men have pulled guns on them too] Okay, Joan Wilder, write us out of this one.
- Juan: Joan Wilder... Joan Wilder? *The* Joan Wilder?
- [lowering gun, opening door and walking out]
- Juan: You are Joan Wilder, the novelist?
- Joan Wilder: Well, yes, I am.
- Juan: I read your books! I read all your books!
- [turning to his men, in Spanish]
- Juan: This is Joan Wilder, who writes the books I read to you on Saturdays!
- Bad Hombre: [awestruck] Juanita... Juanita, it's Juanita!
- [all the men put away their guns and wave enthusiastically]
- Joan Wilder: You're leaving? You're leaving me?
- Jack Colton: You're gonna be all right, Joan Wilder.
- [they kiss]
- Jack Colton: You always were.
- Jack Colton: [picking up a magazine] Dammit man, the Doobie Brothers broke up! Shit! When did that happen?
- Joan Wilder: How long have you been down here?
- Jack Colton: Forever.
- Ralph: Hey Ira, the kid's here with the broad. They're taking her out to the boat.
- Ira: Look at those snappers, will you!
- Ralph: We shoulda just rifled her room.
- Ira: Ralph, how many times do I have to tell you, "It's not in the country"?
- Ralph: Well this kidnapping stuff makes me real nervous. It's a piss poor idea. It's nothing but trouble. Look, we've stolen enough of these antique trinkets to keep us living comfortably for the rest of our lives. Let's kiss-off this third-world toilet.
- Ira: One last big one, trust me Ralph, trust me. Oh! Did you see that Ralph, that ugly, striped son-of-a-bitch down there!
- Ralph: Someone's gonna get killed, and you're farting around with prehistoric animals. Come on Ira, let's forget about this one. I've got a real bad feeling about it, real bad.
- Ira: Will you stop worrying. Have I ever hurt you? I will never hurt you, I can't hurt you. We've got the same blood. We're not two people, we are one person! Would I hurt me?
- [one of the alligators hisses]
- Ira: Look at those snappers, Ralph!
- Ralph: [to Jack] Oh, oh *I'm* the creep, huh? Well at least I'm honest: I'm *stealing* this stone. I'm not trying to romance it out from under her.
- Jack Colton: [looking at a photo of his dream yacht whilst lying in bed with Joan] Someday if I had the money, I'd take you... we'd sail away... around the world and back again. I promise you. I promise you we'll do that.
- [they kiss and Joan holds Jack more tightly]
- Joan Wilder: Why haven't you taken the map away from me?
- Jack Colton: What are you talking about?
- Joan Wilder: I saw that tree today, the Devil's Fork, it's on the map. You know how close we are?
- Jack Colton: Yeah sure I do. What's that got to do with it?
- Joan Wilder: I was thinking about something you said... about having more to bargain with.
- Jack Colton: Yeah. The best way to help your sister is to get that treasure and if you waltz into Cartagena you're holding all the cards.
- Joan Wilder: [looks at the picture of the yacht, then back at Jack] I'd love to see you on that boat. But Jack if we have to give it up... to save Elaine?
- Jack Colton: Then we give it up. I mean it's your sister. Hell yeah. Of course we give it up. That's the point. At least we've got the leverage to do it.
- Joan Wilder: [looks at the picture of the yacht again, then back at Jack] OK. OK. Let's got for it.
- [they kiss]
- Joan Wilder: What about the bridge?
- Jack Colton: That ain't a bridge. That's goddamned pre-Columbian art!
- Jack Colton: Wait a minute, he's after you. Who the hell are you?
- Joan Wilder: Well, I'm a romance novelist.
- Jack Colton: You're what? What are you doing here?
- Joan Wilder: I told you, my sister's life depends on me.
- Jack Colton: Ah, don't give me that shit. I thought you were donating a kidney or something.
- [after reading Joan's new novel based on her adventure]
- Gloria: Joanie, you are now a WORLD-CLASS hopeless romantic.
- Joan Wilder: No, hopeful. Hopeful romantic.
- Zolo: Crocodiles shed tears when they eat their prey. You have heard of these tears I am sure. But have you seen them?
- Joan Wilder: You're a mondo dismo!
- Jack Colton: I'm... what am I? I'm what?
- Joan Wilder: You're a man who takes money from stranded women!
- Joan Wilder: Can we get there in your car?
- Juan: Who told you I had a car?
- Joan Wilder: The men in the village.
- Juan: They told you I had a car? They are such comedians. They meant my little mule: Pepe.
- Jack Colton: [ducking bullets behind a boulder] The cops? What do they want? I haven't done anything lately!
- Ralph: [on the phone] All right, cousin, as usual, you got us in some serious shit here. First of all, the stupid dame got on the wrong bus. Now, I'm stuck in some kind of Spic-o military compound. They're mobilizing for Iwo Jima here!
- Ira: Do they know who you are?
- Ralph: Oh, oh, do you think I'm going up an introducing myself to every cop in the pueblo? And another little tidbit, cousin--guess who else is here?
- Ira: Zolo!
- Ralph: Oh, give the man a cigar! You're goddamn right, Zolo. He got in my car. Not only are we kidnappers, but I'm about to have a close encounter with a cattle prod!
- Joan Wilder: What do you want? Seriously, I'd really like to know.
- Jack Colton: Came down here in a coffee boat, about a year and a half ago. Right. Christ, what job that was. But, I couldn't get over that ocean, though, you know. Yeah. I love the ocean. You know you just got to get out there - all by yourself - nobody else around. It's beautiful. So, that's what I want. Try to get enough money together to buy a boat and sail around the world.
- Joan Wilder: So, you're just gonna sail away? All by yourself?
- Jack Colton: Yeah.
- Joan Wilder: Sounds lonely, Jack T. Colton. Well, what does the "T" stand for?
- Jack Colton: Trustworthy.
- Joan Wilder: Well, wait a minute, now. Going for the stone was my idea.
- Ralph: Ah, that's what all the good con artists want you to think. He made you think you needed it, you sap!
- Gloria: [sniffling while reading Joan's latest novel] Well, that is far and away your best book. I can't believe how fast you cranked this out.
- Joan Wilder: So you really like it?
- Gloria: Like it? What? Look at me. Look at me, I'm a mess. It made me cry. You tell anybody, I'll cut your heart out. I love the end where he dives off the high wall and swims away. Then he meets her at the airport. They sail off around the world together. God, I can't believe how this got to me.
- Joan Wilder: Well, I was, uh, inspired.
- Gloria: [observing men in a bar] Wimp. Wimp. Loser. Loser. Major loser. Too angry. Too vague. Too desperate. God, too happy. Oh, look at this guy. Mr. Mondo Dismo. I actually used to date him. Total sleaze bucket. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold everything. Get a load of this character. What about him?
- Joan Wilder: No, he's - he's just not...
- Gloria: Who? Jessie?
- Joan Wilder: Maybe it's silly, but, I know there is somebody out there for me.
- Joan Wilder: [Jack kills a snake by her head and removes its body] Is it, uh, poisonous?
- Jack Colton: Yeah. But very tasty.
- Ira: Of all the things you could say to me right now, "I lost her," Ralph, is gonna get the most teeth broken in your mouth.
- Ralph: Look, bullethead. If they're hiking through the jungle there's nothing I can do about it. I have a car. I am not Tarzan. I have been through every one-horse shithole for a two-hundred mile radius. You should have seen the river I had to traverse this morning. So don't give me any of your crap, you gutless wonder. You have been an embarrasment to our family ever since the day you were born! And let me tell you something else, Ira...
- [he turns and sees Joan and Jack getting out of a car]
- Ralph: You are luckiest son of a bitch that ever walked the face of the earth! She's here!
- Ira: She's there!
- Ralph: She's right here! She's walking towards the phone. She's with some guy. How do I know? She likes guys! So do you, maricon!
- Jack Colton: I think I'm going to throw another key on the fire.
- Joan Wilder: No, please, I'm getting dizzy.
- Joan Wilder: What I would really like - would be a phone.
- Juan: No. No. No. No. No phones. No phones. I hate phones. I don't have a phone. But, have a drink! Let's hang out!
- Ira: [talking about Zolo] Your little sister took the wrong road. Oh, and that "third party" that I told you about... he's tagging along.
- Elaine: The man who killed my husband?
- Ira: The butcher who killed your husband! A very powerful man with his own private army to back him up. And whether he calls himself Dr. Zolo, Minister of Antiquities, or Colonel Zolo, Deputy Commander of the Secret Police, he's still just a butcher!
- Jack Colton: [as he's about to leave Joan] All right. Here's what we got to do. Get to the American Consulate. Just tell them everything.
- Joan Wilder: Where are you going?
- Jack Colton: They might believe you, but just one thing: don't mention my name. Cartagena cops and I go way back.
- [Zolo is interrogating Joan about El Corazon's whereabouts , threatening to feed her to the crocodiles by using her bleeding hand as a lure]
- Jack Colton: Hey! Stop! Let her go! She is not telling you because she doesn't know where it is. *I've* got it.
- Zolo: Where is it?
- Jack Colton: [pause] It's in a safe place.
- [Zolo motions to one of cronies, who hits Jack in the groin. There is a loud clang and Jack shakes the emerald down his pantleg. The emerald lands gently on Jack's foot]
- Jack Colton: [coolly] Choke on it.
- [Jack kicks up the stone into the air. Everyone watches El Corazon through the air in an impressive arch. Zolo catches the emerald before it falls into the water]
- Zolo: [smiles] Thank you!
- [a crocodile emerges and bites Zolo's hand]
- Zolo: AAAAAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHHHHHH!
- [the crocodile proceeds to scissor off Zolo's hand, swallowing the stone with it, leaving a bloody stump behind. Zolo screams in agony as Jack, Joan, Elaine and Iran and Raph watch in shock and horror]
- Jack Colton: What the hell are you doing?
- [taking a small bottle from Joan]
- Jack Colton: Drinking? I could've been killed, and you're drinking!
- Joan Wilder: [following the treasure map and coming to an apparent dead end] Well, this... this can't be all. There's got to be another clue here.
- Jack Colton: Yeah, well, landmarks change, things grow, all that stuff, you know?
- Joan Wilder: [seeing something on the map] Oh.
- [hearing rushing water nearby]
- Joan Wilder: Hey, you hear that?
- Jack Colton: Waterfall.
- Joan Wilder: Look, Jack.
- Jack Colton: [as she folds the map over itself, it creates an image of a waterfall] All right, Joan!
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