The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)
Michael Caine: Scrooge
Photos
Quotes
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Kermit the Frog : If you please Mr. Scrooge, it's gotten colder, and the bookkeeping staff would like to have an extra shovel full of coal for the fire?
Rat #1 : We can't do the bookkeeping, all our pens have turned to inkcicles!
Rat #2 : Our assets are frozen!
Ebenezer Scrooge : How would the bookkeepers like to be suddenly... UNEMPLOYED?
Rats : HEAT WAVE!
[singing]
Rats : This is my island in the sun...
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Ebenezer Scrooge : [in the graveyard] Must we return to this place? There is something else that I must know, is that not true? Spirit, I know what I must ask. I fear to, but I must. Who was the wretched man whose death brought so much glee and happiness to others?
[the spirit points to a headstone, Scrooge begins moving toward it, then turns back, frightened]
Ebenezer Scrooge : Answer me one more question. Are these the shadows of things that *will* be, or are they the shadows of things that *may* be only?
[the spirit points again at the gravestone, Scrooge slowly approaches it]
Ebenezer Scrooge : These events can be changed! A life can be made right.
[he clears the snow from the stone]
Ebenezer Scrooge : [in tears] Ebenezer Scrooge! Oh please, Spirit, no! Hear me, I-I'm not the man I was! Why would you show me this if I was past all hope?
[sobbing]
Ebenezer Scrooge : I, I *will* honor Christmas, and try to keep it all the year! I will live my life in the past, the present, and the future. I will not shut out the lessons the spirits have taught me! Tell me that I may sponge out the writing on this stone!
[kneeling, clutching at the spirit's robe]
Ebenezer Scrooge : Oh Spirit, please speak to me!
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Jacob Marley : Why do you doubt your own senses?
Ebenezer Scrooge : Because a little thing can affect them. A slight disorder of the stomach can make them cheat. You may be a bit of undigested beef, a blob of mustard, a crumb of cheese. Yes. There's more of gravy than of grave about you.
Robert Marley : More of gravy than of grave?
Jacob Marley : What a terrible pun. Where do you get these jokes?
Robert Marley : Leave comedy to the bears, Ebenezer.
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Ebenezer Scrooge : Let us deal with the eviction notices for tomorrow, Mr. Cratchit.
Kermit the Frog : Uh, tomorrow's Christmas, sir.
Ebenezer Scrooge : Very well. You may gift wrap them.
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Ebenezer Scrooge : Bob Cratchit, I've had my fill of this.
Miss Piggy : And I have had my fill of you, Mr. Scrooge.
Ebenezer Scrooge : And therefore, Bob Cratchit...
Miss Piggy : And therefore, you can leave this house at once.
Ebenezer Scrooge : And therefore, I'm about to raise your salary!
Miss Piggy : Ooh, and I am about to raise you right off the pavement...! Pardon?
Kermit the Frog : Pardon?
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Ebenezer Scrooge : Christmas is a very busy time for us, Mr. Cratchit. People preparing feasts, giving parties, spending the mortgage money on frivolities. One might say that December is the foreclosure season. Harvest time for the money-lenders.
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Kermit the Frog : [clears throat] Um, excuse me, Mr. Scrooge, but it appears to be closing time.
Ebenezer Scrooge : Very well. I'll see you at eight tomorrow morning.
Rats : [whispering] Ask him, ask him.
Kermit the Frog : Um... um, tomorrow's Christmas.
Rats : Mm-hmm.
Ebenezer Scrooge : 8:30, then.
Kermit the Frog : Oh. Um, if you please, sir, half an hour off hardly seems customary for Christmas Day.
Rats : No, no.
Ebenezer Scrooge : How much time off *is* customary, Mr. Cratchit?
Kermit the Frog : Uh... why, um, the, uh, whole day.
Rats : Yeah, yeah.
Ebenezer Scrooge : [appalled] The entire day?
Rats : No, no. It's the frog's idea.
Kermit the Frog : If you please, Mr. Scrooge, why open the office tomorrow? Other businesses will be closed. You'll have no one to do business *with*. Uh, it'll waste a lot of expensive coal for the fire.
Rats : Yeah. That's *definitely* a point.
Ebenezer Scrooge : It's a poor excuse for picking a man's pocket every December the 25th.
[rats groan]
Ebenezer Scrooge : But as I seem to be the only person around who knows that... take the day off.
[rats cheer; Scrooge stands up and goes for his hat; glares at the rats]
Ebenezer Scrooge : Will you *stop that*?
[rats stop cheering and leave]
Kermit the Frog : Uh... thank you, Mr. Scrooge.
Ebenezer Scrooge : [steps outside and closes the door] Be here all the earlier the next morning.
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Ghost of Christmas Past : Let us see another Christmas in this place.
Ebenezer Scrooge : They were all very much the same. Nothing ever changed.
Ghost of Christmas Past : You changed.
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Ebenezer Scrooge : I do not make merry myself for Christmas.
Fred : That is certainly true.
Ebenezer Scrooge : And I cannot afford to make idle people merry.
Fred : That is certainly *not* true!
Ebenezer Scrooge : Don't you have other things to do this afternoon, my dear nephew?
Fred : Sadly, I do, Uncle. So I shall make my donation and, uh, leave you to make yours.
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Ebenezer Scrooge : This is Bob Crachit's house?
Ghost of Christmas Present : How do you know that?
Ebenezer Scrooge : You just told me.
Ghost of Christmas Present : Well, I'm *usually* trustworthy.
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Ebenezer Scrooge : Spirit, show me no more. Why do you delight in torturing me?
Ghost of Christmas Past : I told you, these are the shadows of the things that have been. That they are what they are, do not blame me.
Ebenezer Scrooge : Leave me!
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Ebenezer Scrooge : [Having just watched the Cratchits mourning Tiny Tim, addresses the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come] Oh, spirit, must there be a Christmas that brings this awful scene?
[Voice breaking]
Ebenezer Scrooge : How can we endure it?
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Ebenezer Scrooge : What right have you to be merry? You're poor enough.
Fred : What right have you to be dismal? You're rich enough.
Rizzo the Rat : He's got 'im there. The old boy's speechless!
Ebenezer Scrooge : If I could work my will, every idiot who goes around with "Merry Christmas" on his lips would be cooked with his own turkey and buried with a stake of holly through his heart!
Rizzo the Rat : Well, not quite speechless.
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Ebenezer Scrooge : I don't think I've ever met anybody like you before.
Ghost of Christmas Present : Really? Over 1800 of my brothers have come before me!
Ebenezer Scrooge : 1800? Imagine the grocery bills!
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Robert Marley : You will be haunted by three spirits.
Ebenezer Scrooge : Haunted? I've already had enough of that.
Jacob Marley : Without these visits, you cannot hope to avoid the path we tread.
Robert Marley : Expect the first ghost tonight, when the bell tolls one!
Ebenezer Scrooge : Can't I meet them all at once and get it over with?
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Ebenezer Scrooge : What business has brought you here?
Ghost of Christmas Past : Your welfare.
Ebenezer Scrooge : Heh, a night's unbroken rest might aid my welfare.
Ghost of Christmas Past : Your salvation, then.
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Kermit the Frog : If you please sir, why open the office tomorrow? Other businesses will be closed; there'll be no one to do business with. It'll waste a lot of expensive coal for the fire!
Rats : Yeah!
Ebenezer Scrooge : It's a poor excuse for picking a man's pocket every December the 25th. But as I seem to be the only man who knows that... take the day off.
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Ebenezer Scrooge : You're a little absent-minded, spirit.
Ghost of Christmas Present : No, I'm a LARGE absent-minded spirit!
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Ghost of Christmas Past : There was of course, another Christmas Eve with this young woman. Some years later.
Ebenezer Scrooge : Oh please... do not show me that Christmas.
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Ebenezer Scrooge : Pardon me, gentlemen, but about the charity donation you asked me for yesterday. Put me down for...
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew : [Scrooge whispers in his ear] That much?
Ebenezer Scrooge : Not a penny less. A great many back payments are included in it, I assure you.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew : Oh, my goodness, I don't know what to say. I just wish there was something we could give you.
Ebenezer Scrooge : [touched, as Beaker gives him his scarf] A gift? A gift for me? Thank you. Thank you. Fifty times! And a merry Christmas.
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Dr. Bunsen Honeydew : At this festive season of the year, Mr. Scrooge, many of us feel we must take care of our poor and homeless.
Ebenezer Scrooge : Are-are there no prisons? No poor houses?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew : Oh, plenty of those, sir.
Ebenezer Scrooge : Oh! Excellent. For a moment, I was worried.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew : Some of us are endeavoring to raise a fund for the poor and the homeless. What might I put you down for?
Ebenezer Scrooge : Nothing.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew : You wish to remain anonymous?
Ebenezer Scrooge : I wish to be left alone.
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Ghost of Christmas Present : Have you ever noticed that everything seems wonderful at Christmas?
Ebenezer Scrooge : Uh, in all honesty, spirit, no. Perhaps I-I've never understood about Christmas.
Ghost of Christmas Present : Before this day is done, you *will* understand. Oh...
Rizzo the Rat : Oh, no! Oh, no!
[he screams as the Ghost opens the window, knocking him and Gonzo off the ledge]
Ghost of Christmas Present : Ah. We shall go out into the world.
Rizzo the Rat : [Gonzo laughs] I suppose you enjoyed that?
Gonzo : Of course.
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Miss Piggy : [Bob and Tiny Tim return home] How was he at church?
Kermit the Frog : Oh, as good as gold and better. He told me that he hoped the people saw him in church because it might be pleasant for them to remember upon Christmas Day who made lame beggars walk and blind men see.
Ebenezer Scrooge : A remarkable child.
Gonzo : And with that, the Cratchits came to what was surely the happiest single moment in all the livelong year.
Ebenezer Scrooge : Such a meager feast.
Ghost of Christmas Present : But very much appreciated.
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Ebenezer Scrooge : Spirit? What is that light? It cannot be dawn.
Ghost of Christmas Past : It is the past.
Gonzo : Look, it's beautiful, Rizzo!
Rizzo the Rat : [scared] Mommy!
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Ebenezer Scrooge : Why do you come to me?
Jacob Marley , Robert Marley : [singing] We're Marley and Marley/Avarice and greed.
Jacob Marley : We took advantage of the poor, just ignored the needy.
Jacob Marley , Robert Marley : We specialized in causing pain, spreading fear and doubt.
Robert Marley : And if you could not pay the rent, we simply threw you out!
[spoken]
Robert Marley : There was the year we evicted the entire orphanage.
Jacob Marley : Hmm, I remember the little tykes all standing in the snowbank.
Robert Marley : With their little frostbitten teddy bears.
[they laugh, then shudder]
Jacob Marley , Robert Marley : [singing] We're Marley and Marley/Our hearts were painted black.
Jacob Marley : We should have known our evil deeds/Would put us both in shackles.
Jacob Marley , Robert Marley : Captive, bound, we're double-ironed/Exhausted by the weight.
Jacob Marley : As freedom comes from giving love...
Robert Marley : ...So prison comes with hate.
Jacob Marley , Robert Marley : We're Marley and Marley.
[eerie ghost noises]
Jacob Marley , Robert Marley : We're Marley and Marley.
Ebenezer Scrooge : But my friends, you were not unfeeling towards your fellow men.
Robert Marley : True, there was something about mankind we loved.
Jacob Marley : I think it was their money.
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Jacob Marley , Robert Marley : Doomed, Scrooge/You're doomed for all time.
Robert Marley : Your future is a horror story/Written by your crime.
Jacob Marley , Robert Marley : Your chains are forged/By what you say and do/So have your fun when life is done/A nightmare waits for you.
Ebenezer Scrooge : Why these terrible chains?
Jacob Marley , Robert Marley : Oh!
Robert Marley : The chains!
Jacob Marley : We forged these chains in life by our acts of greed.
Robert Marley : You wear such a chain yourself.
Ebenezer Scrooge : Humbug! Speak comfort to me, friends.
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Ebenezer Scrooge : What's today?
Bean Bunny : Pardon?
Ebenezer Scrooge : What's today, my fine fellow?
Bean Bunny : Today? Why, today is Christmas Day.
Ebenezer Scrooge : It's Christmas Day? I haven't missed it. The spirits did it all in one night. They can do anything they like. Of course they can. Of course they can.
Bean Bunny : [playing along] Uh, of course they can.
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Ebenezer Scrooge : Spirit, do you grow old?
Ghost of Christmas Present : [chuckles] I do!
Ebenezer Scrooge : Are spirits' lives so short?
Ghost of Christmas Present : [sits down] My time upon this globe is very brief. I believe it will end upon the stroke of twelve.
Rizzo the Rat : [with Gonzo, ringing a nearby bell] One.
Ebenezer Scrooge : [notices this] Now? But spirit, I have learned so much from you.
Rizzo the Rat : [continues tolling the bell] Three! Four!
Gonzo : [narrates] Nothing Scrooge could do or say could stop the relentless march of those terrible bells.
Rizzo the Rat : Five!
Ebenezer Scrooge : Oh, spirit, do not leave me.
Rizzo the Rat : Six!
Ghost of Christmas Present : [begins to fade away] I think... I must, in fact.
Ebenezer Scrooge : You have meant so much to me. You have changed me!
Ghost of Christmas Present : And now, I leave you with the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come.
Ebenezer Scrooge : You mean... the future?
Ghost of Christmas Present : [continues fading] Mmm...
Ebenezer Scrooge : Must I?
Rizzo the Rat : [continues tolling] Eleven!
Ghost of Christmas Present : Go forth! And know him better, man!
Ghost of Christmas Present : [the tolling strikes twelve, fades away, echoes] Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
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Ebenezer Scrooge : Do you know the poultry shop in the next street?
Bean Bunny : Yes, sir, I do.
Ebenezer Scrooge : An intelligent lad. A remarkable lad. Do you know whether the prize turkey has been sold in the window?
Bean Bunny : Oh, the one twice as big as me? It's still there.
Ebenezer Scrooge : Oh, it's a pleasure talking with you, lad. Go and buy it.
Bean Bunny : Be serious.
Ebenezer Scrooge : I am being serious. Buy it for me and I'll give you a shilling.
Bean Bunny : Oh.
Ebenezer Scrooge : [throwing a pouch down] No, I'll give you five shillings.
Bean Bunny : Wow!
Gonzo : And so the boy was off like a shot. So even...
Bean Bunny : [bowling him and Rizzo over] Um... sorry.
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Gonzo : And Scrooge was better than his word. He did it all and infinitely more!
Rizzo the Rat : And, uh, Tiny Tim?
Gonzo : And to Tiny Tim, who did *not* die...
Rizzo the Rat : Aw, isn't that swell!
Gonzo : To Tiny Tim, Scrooge became a second father. He became as good a friend, as good a master, and as good as a man as the good old city ever had. And it was always said of him that he knew how to keep Christmas well if any man alive possessed the knowledge. May that truly be said of us, and all of us! And as Tiny Tim observed...
Tiny Tim Cratchit : God Bless Us!
Ebenezer Scrooge : God Bless Us Every One!
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[Describing Fozziwig]
Ebenezer Scrooge : What an employer he was. As hard and ruthless as a rose petal!
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Fred : [playing a guessing game with Clara and their friends] Oh, dear, it's too wonderful.
Clara : Wait, wait. I know. An unwanted creature, but not a rat, a leech, or a cockroach?
[their friends ask "Then what?"]
Ebenezer Scrooge : What?
Clara : It's Ebenezer Scrooge!
Fred : Yes!
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Belle : [singing] There was a time when I was sure, that you and I were truly one; that our future was forever and would never come undone. And we came so close to being close, and though you cared for me, there's distance in your eyes tonight, so we're not meant to be. The love is gone. The love is gone. The sweetest dream that you have ever known. The love is gone. The love is gone. I wish you well, but I must leave you now alone. There comes a moment in your life like a window and you see your future there before you, and how perfect life can be. But adventure calls with unknown voices pulling you away. Be careful or you may regret the choice you make someday, when love is gone. When love is gone. The sweetest dream that we have ever known, when love is gone. When love is gone. I wish you well, but I must leave you now alone.
Belle , Ebenezer Scrooge : It was almost love. It was almost always. It was like a fairytale we'd live out, you and I. And yes, some dreams come true. And yes, some dreams fall through.
[crying, he trails off]
Belle : And yes, the time has come for us to say goodbye. Yes, some dreams come true. And yes, some dreams fall through. And yes, the time has come for us to say goodbye.
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Fred : A merry Christmas, Uncle Scrooge. God save you.
Ebenezer Scrooge : Merry Christmas? Bah. Humbug!
Rizzo the Rat : [having freed himself from the snow] Quick, it'll be warmer in there.
[he and Gonzo get in just as Fred shuts the door]
Fred : Christmas a humbug, Uncle? Oh, you don't mean that, surely.
Rizzo the Rat : Hoo. Actually, I think it's colder in here.
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Ebenezer Scrooge : Nephew, you keep Christmas in your own way, and let me keep it in mine.
Fred : Christmas is a loving, honest, and charitable time. And though it's never put a scrap of silver or gold in my pocket, I believe Christmas has done me good and will do me good, and I say God bless it.
[the bookkeepers all cheer]
Ebenezer Scrooge : And how does one celebrate Christmas on the *UNEMPLOYMENT LINE*?
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Fred : Uncle, come and have Christmas dinner with me and Clara tomorrow.
Ebenezer Scrooge : Why ever did you get married?
Fred : Why? Because I fell in love.
Ebenezer Scrooge : [laughing] That's the only thing in the world sillier than a merry Christmas.
Fred : It's no use, Uncle. I shall keep my Christmas humor to the last. A merry Christmas to you. And a happy new year.
Kermit the Frog : Merry Christmas, Fred.
Fred : Merry Christmas, Bob.
Ebenezer Scrooge : Humbug!
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Ebenezer Scrooge : [seeing his open bedroom window] I beg you, spirit, I... I am mortal. I'm liable to fall.
Ghost of Christmas Past : A touch of my hand, and you shall fly.
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Gonzo : And what a flood of memories came back to him, as Scrooge beheld his old classroom.
Ebenezer Scrooge : I know it all so well, spirit. The desks. The smell of the chalk. I chose my profession in this room.
Ghost of Christmas Past : And is he, too, familiar?
Gonzo : Scrooge beheld a small boy, a boy he knew, oh, very well indeed.
Ebenezer Scrooge : Good heavens. It's me.
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Ebenezer Scrooge : I'm home.
Gonzo : Yes, the bedposts were his own. The bed was his own. The room was his own.
Rizzo the Rat : Hi, guys, we're back.
Gonzo : We promised we would be.
Rizzo the Rat : Mm-hmm.
Gonzo : But the thing that made Scrooge happiest of all was that his life lay before him. And it could be changed.
Ebenezer Scrooge : I will live my life in the past, the present, and the future. Oh, Jacob and Robert Marley.
[getting on his knees]
Ebenezer Scrooge : Oh, heaven in the Christmastime be praised for this day. I say it on my knees, Jacob and Robert. On my knees!
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Ebenezer Scrooge : It's Bob Cratchit's house. Oh, yes, spirit. A place of joy and laughter. Thank you for bringing me here.
[looking up and down the street]
Ebenezer Scrooge : It's so quiet. Why is it so quiet, spirit?
[the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come gestures towards the Cratchit house, and he peers through the window]
Betina Cratchit : Oh, Mother, you're crying again.
Miss Piggy : Oh, no, it's just the lamplight, it hurts my eyes.
Ebenezer Scrooge : Not Tiny Tim?
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Ebenezer Scrooge : [meeting the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come] Spirit, I fear you more than any specter I have yet met.
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Ebenezer Scrooge : Are you the spirit whose coming was foretold to me?
Ghost of Christmas Past : I am.
Ebenezer Scrooge : But... you're just a child!
Ghost of Christmas Past : I can remember nearly 1900 years. I am the Ghost of Christmas Past.
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Ebenezer Scrooge : Spirit, tell me if Tiny Tim will live.
Ghost of Christmas Present : That is the future. My realm is the present. However, I see a vacant seat by the chimney corner and a crutch without an owner. If these shadows remain unaltered, I believe the child will die. But, what then? If he's going to die, he'd better do it and decrease the surplus population.
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[Scrooge towers over Mr. Applegate, who gulps]
Ebenezer Scrooge : Bob Cratchit?
Kermit the Frog : Yes, Mr. Scrooge?
Ebenezer Scrooge : [points with his cane] Who is this?
Kermit the Frog : It's Mr. Applegate, sir. He's here to speak to you about his... mortgage.
Mr. Applegate : Please, Mr. Scrooge, I know you're *very* angry about this.
[Scrooge walks into his office and takes off his coat and hat]
Mr. Applegate : And I didn't mean to fall behind in the payments, Lord knows it, being Christmas and all. Oh, *please* don't shout at me, sir. That, and, of course, little Gwen. Her lungs aren't right. The doctor takes his share, don't he? I mean, you can yell and scream in your right, but it won't do no good...
[Scrooge grabs him]
Mr. Applegate : ... because I'm the stone you can't squeeze blood from...
[Scrooge opens the door and throws him out]
Mr. Applegate : ... and that's the *truth*! Thank you for not shouting at me!
[Scrooge slams the door shut]
