- [on the phone]
- Philip: Just remember that in every pothole there is hope. Well, you see, pothole is spelled P-O-T-H-O-L-E. So if you take the P, and add it to the H, the O, and the E, and rearrange the letters... or contrariwise, you remove the O, T, and the L, you get "hope". So, just remember, in every pothole there is hope!
- Susan: My psychiatrist thinks we should break up.
- Philip: What? I didn't know you were going to a psychiatrist.
- Susan: Well I'm not actually going to one. I've been dating one for four months.
- Philip: This is so sudden!
- Susan: I didn't want to tell you this over the phone, I really wanted to fax you. But you don't even *have* a fax!
- [hangs up]
- Mrs. Munchnik: [On the phone] Well I'm simply crushed. Here I have waited my whole life for you, and now you don't even want me. Do go on! I believe you were discussing my cherry?
- [the caller hangs up]
- Mrs. Munchnik: I am so good at this, and soon I will be left high and dry, with no outlet for my talent.
- [talking to caller on a suicide hotline]
- Philip: May I put you on hold while I run to my desk? Uh... you're not calling from a bridge or holding a weapon, are you?
- Hotline Caller: No.
- Philip: Good.
- LA Times Automated Responder: Thank you for calling the Los Angeles Times. If you would like to order a subscription, please press 1. If your newspaper did not arrive this morning, press 2. To place a classified ad, press 3. To speak to the editorial desk, city desk, national desk, international desk, sports desk, metro, view, or calendar sections, press the first three letters of the desk you desire, followed by the star key in the case of the first three or the pound key in the case of the latter five.
- Philip: You're upset because it's Christmas. Christmas is a time when you look at your life through a magnifying glass, and whatever you don't have feels overwhelming. Being alone is so much lonelier at Christmas. Everything sad is so much sadder at Christmas. You can't give in to this, Felix!
- Catherine O'Shaughnessy: I'm not like you, Philip. I'm not one of those people that's only good on the phone. In person you just blame everybody. You made a mistake at the office, you gave out the address! Did I blame you? No! I blamed the Santa Anas! I don't even know what the Santa Anas are!
- Philip: They're the dry winds that blow in from the...
- Catherine O'Shaughnessy: Oh, shut up!
- [Philip gives Mrs. Munchnik her Christmas gift]
- Mrs. Munchnik: A fruitcake?
- Philip: Yes.
- Mrs. Munchnik: Remarkably like the one I gave you last year.
- Felix: Look what I got for you!
- [takes out a piece of paper]
- Felix: This means that we can have the baby in a hospital for free! All we have to do is swear that we're completely broke and have absolutely no way of supporting ourselves and never will.
- Gracie Barzini: Oh God! Felix, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but...
- Felix: Honey, you are the only person in my whole life who has never hurt my feelings.
- Gracie Barzini: ...you're a loser.
- Mrs. Munchnik: [Door bell rings,hysterically yelling at the door] Are you the Seaside Strangler? Well listen here Mr. Seaside Strangler. I *am* calling the police. I am getting the reward and you will go to a maximum security prison where a very large, hairy man is going to make you his girlfriend.
- [calms down]
- Mrs. Munchnik: I am not your type. I am short and my hair is short. I am attractive; I suppose I do fit that part of the description
- [yelling again]
- Mrs. Munchnik: But I am *not* young! I have never been young!
- [calmly]
- Mrs. Munchnik: Although, I do look considerably...
- Gracie Barzini: [approaches Mrs. Munchnik] Would you knock it off? What would the Seaside Strangler want with you? You're having a fantasy.
- Gracie Barzini: [grabs Felix's gun] Now, we have to empty it.
- [She starts firing gun randomly around the walls and door]
- Philip: [Struggles to grab the gun] Gracie, for God's sake!
- Gracie Barzini: I AM EMPTYING IT! I AM SICK OF HIM! I AM PROTECTING US FROM HIM!
- Mr. Lobel: [knocks on the Lifesaver's staff's door] Dog-haters! That awful woman is stuck in the elevator!
- Catherine O'Shaughnessy: Oh, we're coming, Mrs. Munchnik!
- Mr. Lobel: [pointedly] *Stuck*! I hope forever!
- Catherine O'Shaughnessy: [seeing Chris, to Philip] THAT'S who you were dancing with?
- Chris: She insults me, too. My God, if you don't have tits like Dolly Parton, no one wants you.
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