- Jeff Foxworthy: Welcome to Blue Collar TV and let me tell you right up front, we are not here to change the world, we're here to make it better.
- Bill Engvall: I believe... Angelina Jolie thinks about me as much as I do about her.
- Jeff Foxworthy: But I believe she doesn't on a hotel bed with a towel and a bottle of lotion.
- Bill Engvall: Well, I believe I'm not telling any more secrets.
- Jeff Foxworthy: I believe it is not possible to study for a rectal exam.
- Ron White: Especially if you're cramming.
- Jeff Foxworthy: [talking about scary things] Like when the name of your trailer park is the same name as the hurricane that's headed towards it. Scary.
- Jeff Foxworthy: [the Redneck dictionary scene for the word, mask. Jeff grabs Bill's shirt collar] M'ask you one more time. Think I can win the costume contest?
- Bill Engvall: Yeah, yeah! First place, you psycho!
- Jeff Foxworthy: M'ask you one more thing. Does this make my butt look fat?
- Jeff Foxworthy: I believe that no matter what anybody says, everybody pees in the pool.
- Bill Engvall: Or in the shower.
- Larry the Cable Guy: Or in the sink.
- [Jeff and Bill give him weird looks]
- Jeff Foxworthy: I believe... that's the last time I eat at your house.
- Bill Engvall: [the boys work at Benihana's] Okay, ya'll ready to eat?
- Japanese man: [subtitled into English] No, we are waiting for a bus. Here's your sign.
- Larry the Cable Guy: [during the "things you don't want to hear people say when they first see you naked" thing] Jeez, smoking really does stunt your growth!
- Larry the Cable Guy: [Larry notices a gray hair on his shirt] A gray hair. That can mean one of two things, either I'm gettin' old or I need to stop picking women up at bingo.
- Tina Tackett: Every time, every single time I try bring my family and myself up out of the ditch you drag me back in!
- Terry Tackett: Tina, we live in a ditch! My parents lived in a ditch! Your parents lived in a ditch! We are ditch people!
- Uncle Lloyd Tackett: Amen, brother!
- Papaw: [to Terry Tackett] If you're about to do what I think you're gonna do, I'll slit your throat when you're asleep.
- Bill Engvall: [New Year's resolutions] I resolve to stop wearing women's underwear.
- [Jeff moves away from him and next to Larry]
- Larry the Cable Guy: I resolve to start wearing underwear.
- [Jeff moves away from Larry]
- Larry the Cable Guy: I believe if I had a dollar for every time my dad told me he loved me... well money ain't really important here.
- Larry the Cable Guy: [talking about scary things] Picture this, a proctologist showing up with a miner's hat and a pick axe.
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