- Kumar: [Upon being asked to go to a Christmas Eve party] No can do man. I have to stay here and smoke this weed, otherwise I won't get high.
- [Kumar butts to the front of the line and is now on Santa's lap]
- Mother in Santa line-up: HEY! Back of the line, Tech Support!
- Kumar: Take it easy, Reba. Your little boy can rub his ass on Santa's cock in a minute!
- Harold: You still haven't explained the gay thing.
- Kumar: You're not gay, motherfucker!
- Harold: At all.
- Neil Patrick Harris: Yeah that's something us magicians like to call misdirection. Just a little something I picked up from my man, Clay Aiken.
- Kumar: What? Clay Aiken's not gay?
- Neil Patrick Harris: Are you kidding me? Clay's the biggest coos hound I know. That guy gets mad gash.
- Kumar: You have a good job, you make good money, and you don't beat your wife. What more could a Latino father-in-law ask for?
- Kenneth Park: This is a Sharp 52" Aquos Quattron TV with state-of-the-art 3D technology that makes Avatar look Avatar-ded.
- Harold: I don't know. Hasn't the whole 3D thing jumped shark by now?
- Kenneth Park: Mr. Lee, you don't understand. This is the best 3D you've ever seen. It's gonna be amazing!
- [Kenneth gives two thumbs up to the audience]
- Harold: Who are you looking at?
- David Burtka: I have Fred Savage on speed-dial.
- Neil Patrick Harris: FUCK Savage! That crack is mine!
- Kumar: I haven't shaved since you left. Pretty romantic, right? Like Ryan Gosling in "The Notebook."
- Neil Patrick Harris: What did I tell you about using tongue?
- David Burtka: You told me to make it realistic.
- Neil Patrick Harris: Yeah, realistic! Not fucking gay as shit!
- Neil Patrick Harris: Look, don't be alarmed... but I'm gonna squirt some lotion on your back in about... 35 seconds.
- Wafflebot: Would you like a waffle, Mr. Harris?
- Neil Patrick Harris: Shut up! God, I hate this fucking pancake bot thing.
- Kumar: Dude, it's Wafflebot. Not a pancake bot, they're awesome.
- Neil Patrick Harris: Hey, waffle thing! Get the fuck out of my life!
- [kicks Wafflebot]
- Wafflebot: Ouch!
- Harold: [after Mr Perez furiously yells at Harold for ruining Christmas, and Harold finally snaps] I runined your... You ruined my Christmas man. You know what happened to me tonight? Uh, I inadvertly introduced a baby to cocaine, I was almost burned alive by Ukrainian gangsters, I was drugged by asshole teenagers, and I danced on stage in a Christmas extravaganza and I'm a terrible dancer, I almost had my dick ripped off. And then I shot Santa Claus in the fucking face. He's real, and I shot him in the face. Why? Because I wanted you to have a perfect fucking Christmas. And, here's a news flash. This is my house, Maria is my wife, and if you want to be in our family, you best show me some fucking respect. Was that too much?
- Harold: [after Mr Perez enrages at Harold for ruining Christmas] I runined your... You ruined my Christmas man. You know what I've been through tonight? Uh, I inadvertly introduced a baby to cocaine, I was almost burned alive by Ukrainian gangsters, I was drugged by asshole teenagers, then I danced on stage in a Christmas extravaganza and I'm a terrible dancer, I almost had my dick ripped off, and then I shot Santa Claus in the fucking face. He's real and I shot him in the face. Why? Because I wanted you to have a perfect fucking Christmas. And here's a news flash. This is my house, Maria is my wife, and if you wanna be in our family, you best show me some respect. Was that too much?
- Neil Patrick Harris: What can I do for you, my burglars of turd?
- Kumar: How the heck are you still alive?
- Neil Patrick Harris: What are you talking about?
- Harold: We saw you get shot! Remember?
- Neil Patrick Harris: You have to be more specific.
- Kumar: In that whorehouse?
- Harold: In Texas!
- Kumar: You branded a prostitute!
- Harold: Remember?
- Neil Patrick Harris: Oh yeah!
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