Winnie the Pooh (2011)
Craig Ferguson: Owl
Photos
Quotes
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Piglet : [Pooh, Rabbit, Owl, Eeyore, Kanga and Roo are trapped in a hole and Piglet gets a rope - only to cut it up into six pieces] And six! There! Now we can ALL get out!
Pooh : How very thoughtful you are, Piglet.
Rabbit : [loses patience] Good grief! Tie them together, Piglet! Can you tie a knot?
Piglet : I cannot.
Rabbit : Ah, so you CAN knot.
Piglet : No. I cannot knot.
Rabbit : [in disbelief] Not knot?
Pooh : Who's there?
Rabbit : Pooh!
Pooh : Pooh who?
Rabbit : No! Pooh... eh... Piglet, you'll need more than two knots.
Piglet : Not possible.
Owl : Ah, so it IS possible to knot those pieces.
Piglet : Not these pieces!
Pooh : Yes. Knot those pieces.
Piglet : Why not?
Eeyore : 'Cause it's all for naught.
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Owl : Yes, well, the thing to do is as follows: First, issue a reward...
Pooh : Gesundheit.
Owl : I beg your pardon?
Pooh : Well, you sneezed just as you were going to tell me what the first thing to do was.
Owl : I didn't sneeze.
Eeyore : Oh, you did, Owl.
Owl : No, I didn't! You can't sneeze without knowing it!
Pooh : Well, you can't know it without something haven't been sneezed.
Owl : As I was saying, first: issue a reward...
Pooh : [to Eeyore] He's doing it again. You must be catching a cold.
Eeyore : [gloomily] I'll probably catch it too.
Owl : [frustrated] No, no, no! I'm not catching a cold! The word is issue, not ah-choo! And ah-choo isn't even a word! It's just some sort of sneezy sound, like Ah-choo!.
Pooh : Perhaps you should lie down, Owl.
Owl : Oh!
[hits himself on the forehead and falls over backwards]
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Owl : Artistic talent runs through my family. In fact, it practically stampedes.
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Roo : Tell us more about what Backsons do.
Tigger : Yes, more about what Backsons do.
Owl : More about what Backsons do? Why don't we hear some thoughts from you?
Tigger : Maybe they make you sleep too late.
Owl : Yes, yes! That's good, that's great!
Eeyore : I bet they're the reason my tail is gone.
Owl : You're on a roll. Go on, go on!
Rabbit : They muddy up your tidy house.
Piglet : Tney make you feel as small as a mouse.
Roo : They break your crayons.
Rabbit : They spill your tea!
Kanga : They wake up babies at one and three.
Eeyore : They made me catch the cold I caught.
Pooh : They made me lose my train of thought.
Tigger : They swipe your stripes.
Piglet : They clog your pipes.
Rabbit : They dig up your garden.
Eeyore : They won't beg your pardon.
Pooh : They eat your snacks.
Piglet : They won't relax!
Rabbit : They chip your tooth!
Kanga : They steal your youth!
Owl : And now you know the horrible truth!
Owl , Tigger , Pooh , Eeyore , Kanga , Roo , Piglet : The Backson! The Backson! The Backson! The Backson! Oh, nooooo!
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Owl : [describing the Backson] It's a giant creature with a tail / Here, I'll draw Piglet in for scale / Its hide is like a shaggy rug / Its face a surly, ugly mug / With two sharp horns atop its head / Between, a mop of hair that's red! / And in its nose a ring of gold / It smells of monkey's feet and mold / Its toes are black, its fur is blue / I swear that all I tell you is not made up / The Backson!
All : The Backson!
Owl : The Backson!
All : The Backson? Oh, no!
Pooh : But Owl, what does a Backson do?
All : Yes, Owl, what does a Backson do?
Owl : Hmm, what does a Backson do? I'm thinking, I'm thinking, I'm thinking, I'm thinking, and now I will tell you! They sneak into your library and scribble in all your books!
All : The Backson! The Backson! We don't like the Backson!
Owl : When decorating your Christmas tree, they tangle up all the hooks!
All : The Backson! The Backson! We're afraid of the Backson!
Owl : They spoil your milk, they stop all the clocks / They use their horns to put holes in your socks!
All : The Backson's the one who's been putting holes in our socks!
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Roo : I know. Christopher Robin has a jump rope.
Rabbit : Wait a minute. My gracious, that's it! Piglet, go to Christopher Robin's house.
Pooh : Oh, I see. Yes, Piglet, go and bring some honey.
Rabbit : Yes, bring some honey... Doh! The jump rope, Piglet, the jump rope!
Pooh : With a little honey on the side.
Piglet : You mean all by myself? Through there?
Owl : [Flies out of the pit to Piglet] Yes, Piglet. Through a dark wood fraught with peril, on a mission of life or death. It is a task of great complexity, but I have full confidence that you shall return victorious and rescue us from the abyss. Go forth, Piglet, and we shall await your return, for weeks if necessary.
[Flies back down, as everyone looks astonished]
Rabbit : Owl!
Owl : What?
Rabbit : I can't believe... how wonderful that speech was!
Pooh : I can't, either.
Eeyore : Moved me to tears.
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Owl : The word is "issue," not "achoo," and "achoo" isn't even a word. It's just a sort of sneezy sound like achoo!
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Owl : [looking through his books, trying to find one that says 'Backson'] Bathwater, Biscuit, Baby, Barnacle, Beluga, wait a minute, why is 'Biscuit' ahead of 'Baby' and 'Barnacle'? That doesn't make sense. Oh, it's such a mess in here.
