QDur prtre

250
 Got it!And you know you've got it. Hubby out with that
other woman. A once-in-a-lifetime shot you and
your lawyer can't afford to miss. And you won't
with the Parloraid Land Camera. Because just 60 seconds after you snap the
shutter, you have your finished picture. And 60 seconds after that, you're
in a Divorce Court with an air-tight case against your two-timing husband.
Parloraid Land Cameras, from $74.95 or $1.50 weekly. Alimony payments
from $10,000 or $200 weekly (in pennies, if hubby's the spiteful type).
NUMBER 52 JANUARY 1960 VITAL FEATURES

THE M A D 1 9 6 0 CALENDAR 4

Calendars describing the

delightful months of the
coming year always make
us sick, so here's MAD's
"Even a Castanet doesn't click every time!"
—Alfred E. Neuman mm 'WBI version to make you sick.

777 SUNSET STRIP 11

PUBLISHER: William M. Gaines EDITOR: Albert B. Feldstein
A sure way to make a TV
A R T D I R E C T O R : John Putnam I D E A S : Jerry De Fuccio show a success is to put
P R O D U C T I O N : Leonard Brenner LAW S U I T S : Martin Scheiman, Esq. some teeth in it. Here's
S U B S C R I P T I O N S : Gloria Orlando, Celia Morelli one show that's done it!
They've featured a comb!
CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS:
The Usual Gang of Idiots
PROTEST LETTERS 17
O n e of the reasons TV's
f'v Q / ^ A so b a d is: the networks
DEPARTMENTS
't Sak'yp listen to crank letters!
A COOL YULE DEPARTMENT
*NZ&. One of the reasons MAD's
The Night Before Christmas 44 so DQ
.iiJyilrCn d is: we ignore ' e m !
BERG'S-EYE V I E W DEPARTMENT
MAD's Helpful Household Repair Hints 21
CASH A N D CAROL DEPARTMENT M A D ' S HELPFUL REPAIR HINTS 21
Sure-Fire 1 9 5 9 Christmas Songs 30
Here's an article which
CRANKS A - M I L L I O N
offers helpful hints to
Protest Letters 17
home owners. And here's
D O N M A R T I N DEPARTMENT a helpful hint we offer
"The Brain O p e r a t i o n " 15 y o u : skip this article!
" I n Surgery" 36
"The Early Riser" 48
DOUBLE-CROSS EXPOSURE DEPARTMENT ERN FOLK MUSIC 24
The Truth About " B e f o r e " a n d " A f t e r " Ads 32
Authentic old folk music
EDITORIAL WHEEZE DEPARTMENT
has preserved our ancient
Newspaper Editions 41
lore. MAD's modern folk
HAIR ' E M , SCARE ' E M DEPARTMENT music will p r o b a b l y run
777 Sunset Strip 11
into some up-to-date law.
I N ONE YEAR A N D OUT THE OTHER DEPARTMENT
The MAD 1 960 Calendar 4
INSIDE PITCH DEPARTMENT " B E F O R E " A N D " A F T E R " ADS 32
New Ad Spaces 8 You know those " B e f o r e "
LETTERS DEPARTMENT and " A f t e r " photos that
Random Samplings of Reader Mail 2 show miraculous changes?
M A R G I N A L M A R V I N DEPARTMENT The biggest miracle is
Marvin Talks About The Tobacco Industry ** that people fall f o r ' e m !
R O O M W I T H A PHEW DEPARTMENT
Living Space 26
35 M M HISTRIONICS DEPARTMENT HISTORICAL M O V I E PREVIEW 37
MAD Goes To A Historical Movie Preview 37 MAD reveals how Holly-
TURKEYS IN THE C R A W DEPARTMENT w o o d deliberately makes
MAD's Modern Folk Music 24 mistakes in a historical
film so that you'll make
* "Consecutive Places Throughout The Magazine the mistake of seeing it.

IHE N I G H T BEFORE CHRISTMAS 44

MAD - .January I960, Volume 1, Number 52, is published monthly except February, May, M A D roasts an old Xmas
August and November, by E.C. Publications, Inc., at 225 Lafayette Street, New York 12,
New York. Second Class Postage paid at New York, N . Y. Subscriptions, 9 issues for $2.00 chestnut till it's cool
in the U.S. Elsewhere. S2.60. Entire contents copyright 1959 by E.C. Publications. Inc. The enough f o r a Beatnick to
Publisher and Editors will not be responsible for unsolicited manuscripts and request all
manuscripts be accompanied by a stamped, self-addressed return envelope. The names of read it over a Jazz back-
characters used in all MAD fiction and semi-fiction are fictitious. A similarity without satiric
purpose to a living person is a coincidence. "Printed in U.S.A. ground of " J i n g l e Bells."
 LETTERS DEPT.

WITH LAUGHTER IN GOOD HANDS

Many thanks for the amusing plug

in your "TV Ads We'd Like To See" De-
partment of the October issue (The Ill-
State Ad). I think more people have men-
tioned that MADitem then you would

ROLL IN DOUGH
believe. More, perhaps, than I would have
heard from had I been on the front cover
of NEWSWEEK, say! Anyway, far beyond
my wildest iMADgination. But I think
I would have been in better hands if
IF EVERYBODY BUYS Mort Drucker had done the art work.
Ed Reimers
THE LATEST MAD BEST IN THE BUSINESS
Northridge, Calif.

POCKET-SIZE BOOK I thought your October issue (No.

50) was really great. I think you are the
best satirists in the business.
Ira Epstein
Forest Hills, N. Y.
Yeah, but in w h a t business? — Ed.

NEWSWEEK
Hey, what gives? When I try to act
reasonably intelligent and buy a sane
magazine for a change, namely NEWS-
WEEK, I still can't escape MAD! Because
when I turned to page 5 7, there was Alfie's
smiling puss, along with Al Feldstein's
and Bill Gaines's. Have you guys taken
over that magazine, too? Woodbridge's Reamer
Miriam Anver You w o u l d have been in g o o d hands if
Chicago, 111. George W o o d b r i d g e had d r a w n y o u , Mr.
Reimers. He was d r a w i n g a guy named " E d
I was thoroughly surprised when I Reamer"! Here's M o r t Drucker's rendition
picked up the August 31st issue of NEWS- of " E d Reimers"! But for being such a g o o d
WEEK and found an article about you sport, Mort's original is on its w a y to you!
clods at MAD. I never thought you'd get -Ed.
into a high class magazine like that.
Either MAD is getting better, or NEWS-
WEEK is getting worse!
Fred J. Voss III
Detroit, Mich.

ON SALE NOW DON MARTIN AND WIFE

AT YOUR FAVORITE NEWSSTAND Don Martin may be a nervous wreck
OR YOURS BY MAIL FOR 40* from his financial dealings with MAD,
but it doesn't look like his wife is any
better. In "The New Chair," she calls
The Complete Collection . . . for $2.25 him "George"! I'd look into this, Don,
Yes, we're giving this 7th addition if I were you!
to our MAD family an upper berth in Leon Schor
our affection, mainly so he'll get Franklin Square, L. I.
the chance to fall on his head like It clearly states in the introduction
the 6 others before him: "The MAD that Don Martin is about to describe
Reader," "MAD Strikes Back!", "Inside the night his wife gave him "The New
MAD," "Utterly MAD," "The Brothers Chair." Then, she proceeds to call him
MAD," and "The Bedside MAD" "George." If this is Don's wife, why
does she call him "George"?
MAD POCKET DEPARTMENT Johnny Osborne Drucker's Reimers
225 LAFAYETTE STREET Paramus, N. J.
CHANGING MEANING
NEW YORK 12, NEW YORK
Don's w i f e calls him " G e o r g e " because

• I enclose 40c for

SON OF MAD
they have never been properly introduced!
-Ed.
You MAD idiots have written a
story which is a really great example of
sloppy work. You know how to run down
D I enclose $2.25 for
THE COMPLETE COLLECTION JAZZY TITLE
a fine magazine. You clods are masters
of degredation. Seriously, though, I have-
NAME. Why don't you guys buy out the never read an article with more truth
Time-Life Corporation. What a jazzy than "Changing Meanings For Fun And
ADDRESS. title MAD LIFETIME would make! Profit." Keep up the good work.
D. Lewin Dan Atchley
No Address Given Houston, Texas

STATE.
 ft HI! REMEMBER ME? MARGINAL MARVIN?
I WAS IN THE ISSUE BEFORE LAST!
I'M BACK AGAIN BY POPULAR DEMAND!

SUBSCRIPTION RENEWALS FROM CEYLON ODD-BALL TEACHER

Your publication, as evidenced on I am an English teacher. I am an

the cover, is cheap. In fact, yours is the odd-ball English teacher because I like
cheapest outfit I've ever dealt with! Be- MAD.' Once I sent a contribution to
cause the only publishing house in the MAD which you did not print. Perhaps
country that does not provide a pre- this meant my contribution had real
stamped return card for subscription re- merit. But I didn't care. I still like MAD.
newals must be cheap! But coming from I shall read parts to my English class, be-
the hometown of GM, I am obviously cause some of the kids (Imagine!) don't
GM, too (Gone Mad), for I am renewing read MAD. Maybe they will enjoy it as I
my subscription. Seriously, though, your do. Maybe my principal won't. Maybe
satirical wit is a welcome relief in an age soon I will not be an English teacher
of stifling conformity. Keep hacking away any more. Then you will be sorry, because
at the santification of mediocrity. There I will have more time to send you con-
remain some few of us who appreciate tributions, and you will go bankrupt
your efforts. sending them back to me.
Dr. Leonard W. Moss The enclosed photo was taken in George T. Appleton
Ass't Prof, of Sociology and Anthropology Trincolmalee, Ceylon. There are numer- Charlotte, Mich.
Wayne State University ous captions that could be tagged to it.
Detroit, Mich. For example: "Nearly everybody in Cey- M a y b e you will be sorry because w e may
lon reads MAD," or "What kind of man print one of your contributions. Then y o u ' l l
Actually, our expired subscription notice is reads MAD?" have to go back to teaching English!—Ed.
not pre-stamped because we have f a i t h in Al Whitmer
our readers, a n d confidence in our maga- Canal Zone, Panama
zine!—Ed. MAD EXPEDITION
O r " 5 0 Million Natives C a n ' t Be W r o n g ! "
I would like to extend my compli- -Ed.
ments to you on the continued quality and
impressive pertinency of your publica-
tion. I think the spirit of MAD is very
well exemplified by the fact that the ex-
pired-subscription card is not self-ad-
dressed and stamped, which I consider
evidence of faith in the reader and confi-
dence in the quality of your magazine.
You will, of course, find my renewal en-
closed.
Priscilla De Vantier
Niagara Falls, N. Y.
Actually, our expired subscription notice is Thought you might like to know
not pre-stamped because w e ' r e cheap!—Ed. that a recent successful expedition to the
summit of 14,495 foot Mt. Whitney had
SMALL CAR THREAT as its glorious leader none other than
the MAD kid himself, Alfred E. Neu-
While looking through your trash- man. His name is signed (forged, that
filled pages, I came across the article en- is!) in a register at the top, for posterity.
titled "How To Fight The Small Car Without his inspiration, several of the
Threat.'' When I saw the picture of the sicker members of the party probably
squashed Cadillac, I went wild. Detroit Thought you might like to see this
picture of the Cornell University Junior would have fallen by the wayside.
is missing a good bet not adopting this Donald L. Dickson
new design. Without a doubt, it is the Varsity Crew reading MAD before the
big race with Princeton at the Eastern Torrance, Calif.
neatest car I have ever seen.
Sprints this year. By the way, they lost!
Joe Coleman Instead, the whole sick crew made it!—Ed.
Washington, D.C. Thomas W. Gittins
Ridley Park, Pa.
TIRED OF INSULTS
W h a t d i d you expect?—Ed.
I'm getting rather tired of people
writing in to your "Letters Dept." and
MAD TIME CAPSULE calling you "clods" and "dolts" and
"idiots" and "morons." I wonder if these
You boys had a great idea with "The people realize that putting together a
MAD Time Capsule." The only thing you magazine, even a MAD one, is no snap,
forgot to include was every issue of MAD and that it takes a lot of brains to think
ever printed! up ideas and new articles every month. I
Brooks Scofield want to congratulate you on a great job,
La Mirada, Calif. and hope you'll continue the good work!
Peg O'Mally
San Diego, Calif.
JUNG IN HEART
MAD is very popular here, espe- The clods, dolts, idiots a n d morons at M A D
I'm wild about your compact little cially in the Section of Psychiatry. thank you for the kind words. W e ' l l try!—Ed.
Cadillac. I understand it's called a Carl Brunsting, M.D.
"MADillac." I'd like to know when it will Mayo Clinic
be on the market. Please address all correspondence to: M A D ,
Rochester, Minn. Room 706, Dept. 5 2 , 225 Lafayette Street
Ed St. Yues
Assonet, Mass. A m o n g the doctors . . . or the patients?—Ed. New York 12, New York
 JANUARY FEBRUARY

Especially Painted for MAO by Joe Orlando Especially Painted for MAC

Pour a dose oj Vepto-Mismol, Leap year month means one more day of
7oast the Weic year with a swallow! Winter's gloom and things that tire us:
Sick of slushy January!1 Like those women catching men, while
Wait and see the months that follow! Clods like us are catching virus!
S M T W T F S S M T W T F S
1 2 12 3 4 5 6
3 4 5 6 7 8 9 7 8 9 10 11 12 13
10 11 12 13 14 15 16 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
17 18 19 20 21 22 23 21 22 23 24 25 26 27
24 25 26 27 28 29 30 28 29
31

MARCH APRIL

i
Especially Painted for MAD by Frank Ke

Voets who praise winds of March should Sing, you fool, of April showers!
Meet their ends in bloody ways: Sing of how they help the buds!
Caught by girls who wear short skirts, and When you're singing from your rooftop,
Angry men who wear toupees! We'll row by—come April floods!
5 M T W T F S S M T W T F S
12 3 4 5 1 2
6 7 8 9 10 11 12 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
13 14 15 16 17 18 19 10 11 12 13 14 15 16
20 21 22 23 24 25 26 17 18 19 20 21 22 23
27 28 29 30 31 24 25 26 27 28 29 30
 I WASN'T IN TUB LAST ISSUE BECAUSE THKV
.-O WANTED TO SEE WHAT THE MAIL RESPONSE
I N ONE YEAR AND OUT THE OTHER DEPT. TO MY FIRST APPEARANCE WOULD BE LIKE!

Frankly, we're getting sick of those calendars that come out every year!
You know, the kind that show gorgeous pin-up girls with hardly anything
. . . oops/ Wrong kind of calendar! We're certainly not getting sick of
those/ But we are getting sick of those calendars with nauseating pictures,
and even more nauseating poems which try to prove how much more
wonderful each month is than the one before. So we've decided to come
out with our own nauseating calendar, which won't try to prove anything/
Except, maybe, t h a t nineteen-sixty is gonna be another miserable year!

MAD

!& H

DIRECTIONS FOR ASSEMBLING THE MAD 1960 CALENDAR

Tear out page 4 from mag. and Tear out pages 6 and 7. and Paste page 7 back together so Forget whole idea and go get
cut months along dotted lines. cut months along dotted lines. you can read what's on page 8. a decent pinup girl calendar.
 MAY JUNE 0
Pract 290 583
Find the required 293 578
of fractions). 1.290 1.572
299 567
1. •*'24G0375 m MATHEMATICS^ j 302 561
2. -^11089567 (XHHI) FACTORS AND ROOTS 1 1.305 309
1.556
550
t
3. 'J'40353607 ^HxiWH) \ \ / / «-4- 1.315
312 545
1.540
4. -{'403583419 < 3) Trigonometric Functions i -313
318 535
6. "^11550130 KM
KSfi , — /—-EXAMPLE 2: Find the square
6. ^ [ ( X { 3
r - y ^ - V396XTA - ^126 «,„* dectaal places.
7. V-y (x Tind the angle whose sine is .2588. <•• " * 2 +
8. Vv- (X Find the angle -."H.- tangent is .7002. v £><j? 00 00
.5000. 25
2.9238. 100? 0 63 00
5.6713." 60J6
1012;,2 61 00
2 02 44
61 56 r

• 2 8 « E X A W L T : d e d u c e i ^ - S 3. The longitude of New Orleans is 90°

ted for MAI) by Joe Orlando Especially Painted for MAD by Mort Drucker

Qo pick flowers, nature lovers, Clod oj 30, graduating!

May has on her verdant cloak! This much, friend, we will acknowledge •.
Jake your choice, what will you have now: Jj, till now, school's been tough going,
Poison ivy or poison oak? Wait till you get into college!

S M T W T F S M T W T F S
12 3 4 5 6 7
s 1 2 3 4
8 9 10 11 12 13 14 5 6 7 8 9 10 11
15 16 17 18 19 20 21 12 13 14 15 16 17 18
22 23 24 25 26 27 28 19 20 21 22 23 24 25
29 30 31 26 27 28 29 30

JULY AUGUST

Especially Painted for MAI) by David Ben Ksperlally Painted for I

7bis month's best for summer driving! Every Summer has it's "dog days!"
Start out early: six o'clock! Jfois month has the "doggiest!"
Jhat way, there won't be much traffic Why should we waste clever rhymes on
Qoing once around the block! Stupid months like Augiest?

S M T W T F S S M T W T F S
1 2 12 3 4 5 6
3 4 5 6 7 8 9 7 8 9 10 11 12 13
10 11 12 13 14 15 16 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
17 18 19 20 21 22 23 21 22 23 24 25 26 27
24 25 26 27 28 29 30 28 29 30 31
31
 SEPTEMBER OCTOBER

dally Painted

7/ you choke on stifling air that Halloween's the time for pranks, so
Summer constantly conceives, Xeep your eye on every tot!
Tall is here! Cheer up! you're free to Oops, there goes your gate! your house! Say—
Choke on smoke of burning leaves! "How's your new split-level lot?

S M T W T F S s M T W T F S
1 2 3 1
4 5 6 7 8 9 10 2 3 4 5 6 7 8
11 12 13 14 15 16 17 9 10 11 12 13 14 15
18 19 20 21 22 23 24 16 17 18 19 20 21 22
25 26 27 28 29 30 23 24 25 26 27 28 29
30 31

NOVEMBER DECEMBER

Especially Painted for MAD by Bob Clarke

Stuff your gut with tons of food and Close the year with gifts and cards to
Jhen collapse while muscles pound. People you detest and curse!
Don't claim Jhanksgiving's the reason! If you think '60 was bad, friend,
you eat this way all year 'round! '61 will be much worse!

5 M T W T F S S M T W T F S
12 3 4 5 1 2 3
6 7 8 9 10 11 12 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
13 14 15 16 17 18 19 11 12 13 14 15 16 17
20 21 22 23 24 25 26 18 19 20 21 22 23 24
27 28 29 30 25 26 27 28 29 30 31
 INSIDE PITCH DEPT.

It seems as though the grey flannel set is getting

desperate these days. Lately, everywhere you look-
be it sides of busses, backs of menus, fronts of

NEW
matchbooks, inside ball parks, outside ball parks,
trash receptacles, beer coasters or roller coasters
—you see an advertisement. Today, the ad men are
searching frantically for any usable space which
might be utilized for commercial pitches. We hear
that even hotel room walls are being considered as
spots where ads could be placed for greater impact.
MAD foresees where it could all end if advertising
men go for broke to get their message across in . . .
A R T I S T : GEORGE WOODBRIDGE

IN BARROOMS

NEED TO REORGANIZE
YOUR OPERATION
FROM TOP TO BOTTOM
WHEN YOU'RE SPRUNG?
CALL
APEX
F O R ,
BONDED AND EXPERIENCED
• TORPEDOES
• GUN MOLLS
• STRONG ARM BOYS

• SAFE CRACKERS
• FINKS

APEX
EMPLOYMENT AGENCY o

8
 \S FROM A GUY NAMED .SAM POPULAR!

AD SPACES
WRITER: TQM KOCH

( H U E ACCIDfJITS
TOOK

PLAY
SAFE!
TAKE THE BUS
AND ARRIVE ALIVE
WITH US!
CRRVHOUHD

NORTH AMERICAN
ON
VEEBLEFETZER CO.
PAY ENVELOPE
NAME: Ralph C. Wretched
SALARY: $90.00
DEDUCTIONS: $82.27 DISSATISFIED
NET SALARY: $7.73 WITH THIS
MISERABLE
SQUANDER IT ALL WAGE
at
The Sitting Duck YOU EARN?
TAVERN
Stop off on your way home, before
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the old crow gets her paws on It!
NOW!
YOU CAN RUN THIS International Brotherhood of
PITTANCE
INTO A
REAL BANKROLL
AT
DIRTY DAN'S Local M>. 729%
FLOATING
CRAP GAME
 Gain DON'T GO INTO^THE RING
DEFENSELESS!
Financial PACK EACH GLOVE WITH A

Independence j ^.uc&y "Stand

BEFORE YOU'RE HORSESHOE
TOO PUNCHY TO ENJOY IT!
"Every One A Knockout!"

MAKE
BIG MONEY TMM11
TAKING DIVESI MAYBE Y O U D DO BETTER
IN THE
FOR DETAILS, CALL
FLYWEIGHT CLASS!
LEW ESKIN'S
BOOKIESYNDICATE
REDUCE
THE MEDICALLY APPROVED WAY

QU-3-3217 a-t
(At§. for Big Lew) V I C
LAR-DOFF'S

DON'T PUT THOSE

Each day in this IMPORTANT FINAL
ARRANGEMENTS
Hospital takes IN T H E HANDS O F T H E
INCOMPETANTS
you further into YOU LEAVE BEHIND!
HOPELESS DO I T Y O U R S E L F

DEBT! TODAY!
TOMORROW M A Y BE
HIRE AN AMBULANCE TOO LATE!

NOW D o r m a n t S c n l e p p Oc Sons
AND HAVE THEM DRIVE Licensee! M o r t i c i a n s
YOU TO "your last wise move"

THE G R E A T
YOU WON'T WANT TO MISS T H E
NORTHERN THOUGHT-PROVOKING ARTICLE
"IS YOUR DOCTOR
FINANCE CO. USING YOU FOR A
FOR A FRIENDLY GUINEA PIG?"
HIGH-INTEREST
in the current issue of
LOAN T r i e R e a d e r s ' Digest

BACK TAXES JhelVorld •

Got You Looks Brighter 'When
UPSET? you Drink . . .
END IT ALL WITH A
OLD OVERSHOE
Wise 4 Heimer
.38 REVOLVER
SOLVE YOUR
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THE MODERN WAY!
IHT_,Y
to
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ROULETTE No Questions Aske4-
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Andy's Andes Airlines
10
- • -
 WHO HAPPENS TO BE MY UNCLE!
H A I R ' M , SCARE ' M DEPT.

If you've never seen "777 Sunset Strip" on TV, the one that is handling the case is kept in
you're obviously not a teenager! Each week on the background too! Because the main purpose of
the show, two Private Eyes named Stew Daily this program lately seems to be to find every
and Jess Spence take turns solving cases. Sup- possible excuse for sneaking in Koukie (a hip-
posedly, the one not handling the case on any talking, hair-combing car-parker) for the teen-
given week is allowed to show himself occasion- agers who are wild about him. Which is why a
ally, but he's kept in the background. Actually, situation of near-catastrophe occurs on . . .

A R T I S T : MORT D R U C K E R
THE
W R I T E R : LARRY SIEGEL NIGHT THAT
KOUKIE MYSTERIOUSLY DISAPPEARS
from

777 SUNSET STRIP S

(Clap-Clap)
^PT
A girl with a sultry I suppose she's blonde and What do you mean, where's your gun? What are you talking about? That was
voice just called, beautiful, and there'll be It's my turn this week! Don't you three weeks ago! Don't you remember,
Stew. She wants us to plenty of hugging and kissing L remember, you solved the Billings last week we weren't on because of
locate a missing per- and camera close-ups, the case for that gorgeous redhead last that "Spectacular?" Besides, you
son for her. She's way it is every week. Okay, week, and you got seven kisses . . . solved the Billings case!
coming right over . . . Jess, I'm ready to handle
the case. Where's my gun? I three on the mouth?
iHtHtt1.1"1*;
 Gentlemen! Instead Okay, Jess! It's your No, it's your case, I'll do the
your case! You your turn! You of arguing, how case, and I'll help Stew, and I'll help kissing! I'll
were right! I were right! The about establishing you a little, which is you a little! Besides, kiss anyone
did solve the "Spectacular" a motive? permissible on this I just discovered for a price!
Billings case §§ was on last week show. But you do the my lips are chapped!
last week! kissing!
 WXXX\\\N^tS3r^T^
Did you notice Say, Mr. Daily, Now cut that out, An ex-isolation Dreadful! I haven't sold
how Angelo how come Mr. Jess! You know on booth usherette a suit, a white shirt,
suggested we Spence is ivi from an old quiz I or a tie since that
this show you're
replace Koukie? kissing that show! They've horror, Koukie, became so
I'd say he's a pretty blonde
only allowed to
kiss clients or
N
, got to find some- popular on your show!
prime suspect! ^ thing for those Why don't you replace
over there? people connected him with—say—Adolph
Now on to Mr. girls to do!
Brooksbrothers with the case. Who Menjou! He'd make an
is she, anyway? excellent car-parker! Or
what about David Niven?
Or maybe Sir John Gielgud?

I'd say Mr. Brooksbrothers is another important suspect,

wouldn't you, Jess? Now on to Sunset Strip High and Miss
Primm! And by the way! I hate to be a nag, but isn't it
about time for an intimate close-up of you and Miss Plain
kissing? You know, one of those shots this program is
famous for, showing warmth between detective and client!

Well, Miss Look for your- Well, Miss Look, Stew!

Primm! How self! Oh, that you can see Here comes
are things horrid Koukie— Miss Primm also Peter Gone!
and his in- has a perfect
going here motive for doing
in your fluence on
teenagers! in Koukie!
French class?
 Hi, fellers! I heard a rumor that you two are handling Okay . . . now, as we've Wrong, Daily and Spence! There Why it's
a non-glamorous female client. If it's true, and you're proved, there are just are two other even likelier our
caught, you're in for a lot of trouble with the Union of three likely suspects suspects! Miss . . . will you Producer!
TV Detectives. Just remember I warned both of you, for the perpetration open that closet door, please?
that's all. And this guy here with you is a witness! of this terrible crime,

Man, wait till Daily and Spence! You're both fired! You're also under arrest
I sound the for kidnapping Koukie! Your motive was the strongest of all:
crazy good news Jealousy! You knew you were slowly losing the show to him, yet
buzzer! Koukie you weren't men enough to fight it out on an artistic level!
is back! This Such as having songs written about you and your comb, appear-
is Endsville! ing on teenage TV shows, and having hundreds of intellectual
articles about you printed in the fan magazines, like "Koukie
Reveals His Toothpaste Brand" and "Koukie Carries Out His Own
Garbage" and "Why Koukie Loves Chinese Restaurants" . . .

Hey, Producer- Anything you say, Koukie! Man, like I dig this new pad the most Thanks for the wheels, Dads. I've got
Dad, like I mean Because from now on, this It'll be like crazy doing the Sherlock something on the front burner, so I'm
I'm not bugged is your show! This office, t, and lipping the cool chicks! Well, going to cool it! No refueling, now,
by these two the fancy convertibles, ;uess I'll cut out now! Later . . . but I may cop a slurg later. You dig
squares! Like I everything is yours! And how it is when you've got the Zorros
mean don't make now, I've got to get to and you can't pick up on the "Z"s?
them split the work on my plan to run C R A Z Y !
these English sub-titles
scene! Like I mean
when you talk. Boy, we'll
get the pitch? really pull in them grown-
up viewers!

INDEED, I CERTAINLY AM FOND OF MY NEW WE REGRET THAT SOMETHING HAS

OFFICE. IT WILL BE DELIGHTFUL BEING A OBVIOUSLY GONE WRONG WITH THE
DETECTIVE AND GETTING THE OPPORTUNITY SOUND ON THIS PROGRAM. PLEASE
TO KISS SOME NICE YOUNG LADIES. WELL, STAND BY WHILE NECESSARY
I THINK I'LL LEAVE NOW. GOODBYE. ADJUSTMENTS ARE BEING MADE.
 /-.''4 I'D LIKE TO TALK ABOUT THE
jVB FUNNIEST THING IN AMERICA
V<=/ . . . THE TOBACCO INDUSTRY!
DON MARTIN DEPT. PART I

Don Martin, MAD's maddest artist, has finally come up with an explanation
for his unique artist talent. It all goes back to the time he underwent . . .
 A A I MEAN, THESE GUYS ARE A
aVe HHUON LAUGHS . . . WHEN
\ 2 / YOU GET RIGHT DOWN TO IT!
CRANKS A-MILUON DEPT.

When we were kids, ive learned a simple and rather succinct phrase which
pretty well summed up what Democracy was all about—mainly "The Majority
Wins!" Unfortunately, the television industry doesn't seem to believe in
this. Rather, they insist upon remaining at the mercy of so-called "Public
Opinion" in the form of a few crank letters. Instead of fighting back, the
networks prefer a more civilized way out, called "total surrender." To show
how this sorry situation ivorks out, we've prepared this behind-the-scenes
study which demonstrates the power of the relative minority who write...

ARTIST: BOB CLARKE WRITER: SY REIT

 AND HERE
ARE A FEW OF
THE HUNDREDS OF
LETTERS OF PROTEST
THAT CAME IN
THE NEXT

C O v e R S THE C O „ 1 T ..

Ma
Gentlemen: y 2 5 t h , 1959

Washing 1 0 1 1 ' u , u

t e l e v i s i o n i s a v i t a l forci
i n t o d a y ' s community. When a)
you people
«-—^a.c going gome ttX'' o wake• , " n eup
n
a1r e
your r e s p o n s i b i l iAt ti aeess* '
Cordially, "

*i>
Resident, Consul General
Fearless Felt

>^r
W
>afl-o-y\to. CXJLUJTXU^- _/w*^i_SeA_
c_e*JtL<s_ !XM_a_ J o - v > J ^ t err. \j_truA_n—
jLCrW-ft-A-. UO^M d j _ u L - _^X<U1_

YW-O-'VL-

-fc_o^/-€_ " t o -A.p89.ft C A T ?

u A ^ . /w_crt_ D O G o-v-CHlPAAUNIK-
o-c AAvfcDVAARK ?
erf- c_ci^t_ JLove>i^-,~UAjL^_ Ji-cr^JC-

a-/wv_ ~XJUjT--gv)j-t-/vA-g a_ixrr>_M_

-wi^. TV ^-tdC^.
?
••••,•; « 5 t « t f v S |
 RS
'' e K 25 59 - 10 PM

ri S*^

S T N
C U USE I ^ \VE Y0U PEOPLE NO

I
•

^
• . .

w
.

•"-<•••'
S.P.H.A.
Oocietv lor the preservation ol Historic Accuracy

May 25th, 1959

Dear Sirs:-
Contrary to the statement on your
hereby P ^ television v long
television program, the Dark Ages
did not extend from 400 A.D. to
1200 A.D. Scholars generally agree
that the Dark (or Middle) Ages may
be said to commence with the fall
of the Western Roman Empire, in
476, and terminate with the dis-
covery of America by Columbus in
1492. No doubt you will be anxious
to correct this grievous error im-
mediately.
ooint ° f litre our wor
i ~ r P genus We suggest a complete and frank
statement by the President of your
Company, to be made on a combined
international, multi-channel net-
work. Hoping we will not be com-
and - • « - ^ . . pelled to take further steps, I am,
Sincerely,
'Z
Secretary
J. Fincbley Doob
Associate Director

25 M
fiyVj the phras *y> 1959
SO, AFTER
i^*SrSSi and
left*. Ca
bb4Uer-/or A WHILE, WHEN
° a l l e d nfyon fflu|; ft i s * « o k e e p THE SHOW WAS DUE
an in^T Ja|Jgh<?'' } look ri SP*t~
FOR A RE-RUN, THE
NETWORK DECIDED
TO PLAY IT
SAFE

ft::.-; ••.«.
19
 THEY CUT
OUT EVERYTHING
THEY KNEW TO BE
OF A CONTROVERSIAL
NATURE, AND RAN
WHAT THEY HAD
LEFT

NBC
3 0 R o c k e f e l l e r Plaza
N e w Y o r k 2 0 , N. Y .
August 24, 1959
Dear Murphy and Marmaduke:-
As per our option clause (Para. 71, Lines 181-3),
AND IT your contract with this network is hereby cancelled.
The Trendex rating on last night's show was terrible.
WORKED FINE, It is obvious that your popularity has waned. Some-
thing seemed to be lacking in your performance. You
just weren't your "old selves" on last night's show.
BECAUSE ONLY ONE Therefore, we feel that the only solution is to drop
your program.
LETTER OF PROTEST Sincerely yotlrs,

TURNED UP THE
Robert Sarnoff
FOLLOWING President

'UlM

/
fflfca»?f
20
BERG'S-EYE V I E W DEPT.

With about 50% of the population own-

ing their own homes (in partnership
with some banks), and with the cost
of labor and materials sky high, the
"home repair" problem has become a
gigantic one. The tendency these days
is to "do it yourself and save!" So
we prepared the following article to
help the situation. Mainly, you may
not want to try it once you r e a d . . .

HOW TO FASTEN OBJECTS TO WALLS HOW TO CLEAR CLOGGED SINK DRAIN

(WITHOUT CRACKING THE PLASTER)

If chemicals, snake, or the Clever sink trap works on

plumber's friend fails to principle that water seeks
To fasten object to wall without cracking plaster, place unclog sink drain, trouble its own level, preventing
adhesive or cellophane tape over spot where nail is to go. is usually in the sink trap. odors from entering kitchen.

However, " U " shape tends to Dirt will be released. Also

collect dirt, which blocks odors. Also plenty of water,
Drive nail through adhesive or cellophane tape. Note how drainage. Use a wrench to and you'll see clearly how
tape prevents plaster from cracking directly beneath it. remove plug at base of trap. water seeks its own level.
 HOW TO REPAIR A DEFECTIVE LAMP HOW TO CLEAN A BLOCKED CHIMNEY

Y^^%T3
.--• ^tif

W
/.

i
V

wu
(1) An ordinary lamp socket (2) Check for loose wires.
is easily removed from its If none, socket is probably
shell by depressing side of defective. Remove it, and Tie weighted bag or tire chains to end of rope and lower
cap gently, and pulling up. replace with a new socket. into chimney. Shake the rope gently, hauling up and down.

(3)- If lamp still does not (4) If lamp still does not
work, the wire is probably work, check if bulb's burnt
defective. Remove it, and out. That's usually what's This will effectively loosen dirt, soot, and those other
replace it with a new wire. wrong in the first place! obstructions that may have been blocking up your chimney.

HOW TO ELIMINATE A SQUEAKY FLOOR

k \

j?.«
3».

v>4
^£3 k\
---.
Locate squeaky area and Drive finishing nails into Nail length of 2 x 4 firmly Squeaking will stop because
drive wedges between floor 2 x 4 below, through squeak- against underside of floor all that pounding frightens
joists and all loose boards. ing boards, at sharp angle. boards in the squeaky area. off mice living under floor.

HOW TO LOCATE A STUD BEHIND A WALL

To locate a wall stud, pad Begin tapping along a wa Spaces between studs emit hollow booming sound. When you
head of hammer with cloth. listening closely to sound hear dull muffled sound, you've finally located the stud.

22
 HOW TO REPAIR A DRAWER THAT WON'T SLIDE OPEN EASILY

A stubborn sticking drawer If drawer still sticks, see

many need sanding. If this if bottom has slipped from If drawer still won't slide open easily, try throwing out
does not cure trouble, all grooves. Replace, and rub all the extra clothes and junk you've gathered in it over
joints should be re-glued. paraffin on sliding parts. the years. You'll see how smoothly it'll work after that!

HOW TO RELEASE A STICKING DOOR

If prolonged periods of rain If shaved enough, door won't

or damp weather cause a door stick any more. If shaved
to stick so bad it can't be Wedge door n open position and use a plane to shave down too much, door won't even
opened, here's what to do: excess wood Make sure you shave enough to release door. have to be opened any more.

HOW TO REPAIR A LEAKY FAUCET

(1) Loosen and unscrew nut (2) Remove faucet assembly (3) Take out worn washer by (4) Replace old washer with
located under faucet handle. by turning counterclockwise. removing screw securing it. new one. Replace old screw.

(5) Replace faucet assembly (6) Rescrew and tighten nut Oh, yes! We forgot to tell you! . . . . Make sure that you
by turning unit clockwise. located under faucet handle. shut off the water first, before you start fooling around!

23
RIGHT AWAY. THESE CLOWNS GOT J»%
THE HKKiHT IDEA TO COME OUT ri'^'r,
WITH THE • 'KING-SIZE' • CIGARETTE: \ ^ T

TURKEYS I N THE CRAW DEPT.

V
Ballads of the Hollywood Hills The sudden renewed inte
the United States has toi
by singers and recording ci
long-forgotten songs and b
look an easy chance to m
offers the following recor
THE GIRL THAT I MARRIED
folk songs, which we stole fr
I GOT PLENTY OF
EVERYTHIN

ON TOP OF OLD SMOGGY

All kidding aside, gang, v
W H E N IT'S OPTION
TIME AT METRO after scouring the Hinter
W H E N YOU M O O C H
U P O N A STAR on the spot where Mr. H
HAPPINESS IS JUST
A THING CALLED DOUGH
wrote them!) Here, then, is
I GAVE MY LOVE A FERRARI

I MUST'VE BROKE A
H O L L Y W O O D RULE
( W H E N I THREW
HEDDA I N T H E S W I M M I N G P O O L ) -{

,-» ARTIST: BOB C L A R K E

MAD'S MODERN
NASTY DOMINIC RETCHA sings
AUTHENTIC OLD
llnlliiils of a

Mem '/ant/
(sHgiajia
SYNDICATE SONGS THERE'S A N OLD ROULETTE WHEEL I N THE BASEMENT
THEY'RE BREAKING M Y A R M 'CAUSE I ' M LEAVING
£3 ANASTASIA'S I N THE COLD, COLD G R O U N '
GIVE A M A N A HORSE HE CAN DOPE
THE OBJECT OF M Y COLLECTION
(IS TO SELL Y O U PROTECTION)
OLD 'LECTRIC CHAIR'S GOT ME
^ ^ H A L U U M A H , I ' M A FINK!

"D"-you're Deductible
figures Neater Than Mine
f V Why Cant Vou Add Right
(Like Some Other Men Do?)
Tied 3s The Color of My Ledger Ink
Tve Been Naughty With form 1040
Tax Man, Stay "Way from My Boor!
She'll Be Making Double Sntrie-s-When She Comes'.

24
 j£\ THE "KING-SIZE" CIGARETTE WAS
q"l,'© SUPPOSED TO FILTER THE SMOKE
\—/ FURTHER . . . AND MAKE IT MILD!

est in folk music here in

ched off a frantic search
mpanies for more of these
illads. Never ones to over-
ke a fast buck, MAD now
I albums of authentic old
im some authentic old folks.
e found these folk songs
ands. (We just happened
iter buried them after he
a genuine, collection of...

WRITER: TOM KOCH

fOlKAWS/C
BIO HORACE STAPeiY SINOS
RUTHEHTIC miDUIESTERII ;
Cool Carl Cartright
KETKLB FOLK SONGS
Plays

Truck Driver Songs stay as beat as you are it s a crazy afternoon 3

I qet your fix on route 6 6

>

I'm A Teamster, Aren't We All?

s >
Across The Wide-Missouri Turnpike Diamond-T For Two
Scarlet Tail Lights For My Van I'm Driving Over A Four-Lane Cloverleaf
My Blue-Eyed True Love Waits For Me Mayflower, It Take M' Sofa Icome to me, my molaojusfea baby ', i rliq paris 7~
(On A Loading Dock In Kankakee) (And Run Cincinnati)

25
 All the while the Smedleys skimped and saved, they planned their spacious
THE LIVING ROOM . . . A spacious arrangement for entertaining guests in relaxed, open comfort.

THE FAMILY ROOM...A playroom-den with a designated place for every imaginable toy and game.

THE GARAGE . . . A sizeable enclosure for a car, plus storage space for gardening implements.
 »lu, THE "KING-SIZE" CIGARETTE WORKED PRETTY
ROOM WITH A PHEW! DEPT. S>»M
•3 u £
GOOD . . . UNTIL YOU SMOKED IT DOWN TO A
REGULAR-SIZE CIGARETTE AND YOU STARTED
NS/ GETTING THE SAME OLD IRRITATING SMOKE!

This is the story of the "Smedleys," a typical American dreaming of the day they could save enough money to buy
family living in a tiny, overcrowded apartment (at left) a home of their own . . . a dream home with plenty o f . . .

L.IVI
Dream House. And here's how it shaped up in the Architect's drawings...
THE KITCHEN . . . A carefully-planned layout, including roomy work-areas, ample cabinet space.

ARTIST: BOB C L A R K E WRITER: AL JAFFEE

THE WORKSHOP . . . A large, well-equipped "do-it-yourself" unit for every conceivable project.

THE BASEMENT . . . Extensive areas for an efficient home laundry and other modern appliances.
 THE SMEDLEYS FINALLY BUILT THEIR DREAM HOUSE, AND MOVED IN. NOW, IT'S A
THE LIVING ROOM . . . They've furnished it to the fullest with a collection of fake antiques.

FAMILY ROOM . . . It's next to impossible to get the kids to put them toys and games back.

THE GARAGE . . . Several extra items have to be stored that weren't figured on originally.

LA

28 IN OTHER WORDS, LIVING SPACE IS SOMETHING THAT PEOPLE TEND TO FILL UP AS

FEW YEARS LATER! LET'S SEE HOW THEY'RE ENJOYING ALL THAT LIVING SPACE...
THE KITCHEN . . . With rushed meals and coffee-klatching, there's no time to put things away.

THE WORKSHOP . . . When it comes to "do-it-yourself", Pop has no time to "clean-it-himself".

THE BASEMENT .. . Since there's no living space in the rest of the house, Mom relaxes here.

3UICKLY AS THEY CAN! AND AFTER THAT, THINGS ARE JUST AS CROWDED AS EVER! 29
 Here Comes Santa
CASH ' N CAROL DEPT.
in his 3-Stage Rocketl
Every year about this time, the VERSE
(Through The Troposphere)

song writers in Tin Pan Alley You can talk of all your missiles But on Christmas Eve there's gonna
Like the Jupiter and Thor, Be an awful big surprise;
come up with a brand new bunch Like the Atlas and the Titan 'Cause that's when "The Santa Rocket'
And so many, many more; Will be zooming through the skies!
of Christmas songs. Most of these
songs are heard a few hundred
times, and then they're never
heard of again. And there's a
good reason for this. Mainly,
they're lousy! The other day, we
were walking behind a famous son£
publisher when he happened to
drop a package. We picked it up,
opened it, and found . . . you Here comes Santa in his 3-stage rocket
Through the troposphere!
So, kids, you needn't bother waiting
For St. Nick tonight!
guessed i t . . . dirty laundry! It goes so fast you can hardly clock it;
No more slow reindeer!
He went so fast, he's now rotating
As a SANTALLITE!

But on the outside wrapping were

scribbled the lyrics to t h e s e . . .

SURE-FIRE The Things I Love at Christmas

1959 The cards that come unsigned;

The ads that rot my mind;
The string of lights that blows
the cellar fuse;
The gifts that come to me
Delivered C.O.D.;

Christmas These are the things 1 love

at Christmas!
The mobbed department stores,
With small revolving doors
That give my eye its yearly
purple bruise;

Songs The wrappings that come loose;

The lamp made from a moose;
These are the things I love
at Christmas!
That pair of yellow hose, dear;
Those green and scarlet ties;
And all those other clothes, dear.
That somehow miss my size!
The eighty times they play
"White Christmas" every day;
That feeling of good will
1 always lose;
The savings that are gone
Because we're overdrawn;
These are the things I love
at Christmas!
ARTIST: MORT DRUCKER WRITER: FRANK JACOBS
 Christmas in Biloxi The Christmas Mambo
m
VERSE
Pick up a wreath
Don't make me go
(Cha cha cha)
To Kokomo,
With your front teeth
Seattle, Troy, or Boston!
(Cha cha cha)
Don't send me back
And you're doing
To Fond du Lac,
(Cha cha cha)
Duluth, Cheyenne, or Austin!
"iThe Christmas Mambo!
Don't steer me down
To Allentown,
Mix an Eggnog
Des Moines, Detroit, or Asheville
(Cha cha cha)
Don't point the way
With the Yule Log
To San Jose,
(Cha cha cha)
Columbus, Butte, or Nashville!
And you're doing
1 want to spend my Christmas where (Cha cha cha)
There's Cornpone, Grits and Moxie; Christmas in Biloxi, The Christmas Mambo!
So put me on that Dixie plane With fritters toastin',
And fly me to Biloxi! And possums roastin', It's easy,
For you I care! Exciting,
And exotic!
Christmas in Biloxi, (Cha cha cha)
With turnips fryin', You're looking
And buzzards flyin', Extremely
All through the air!
Idiotic!
I choke up deep inside (Cha cha cha)
when I extoll yuh!
I'd cut off my right arm Now look at me
for some magnolia! (Cha cha cha)
Knock down the tree
Christmas in Biloxi
Corn likker yeastin',
ILs ^Cha cha cna
)
Boll weevils feastin', Because I did
Take me back there! (Teh tch tch)
The Christmas Mambo!

The Santa Rock Santa Is Caught In Our Chimney!

VERSE
On Christmas Eve, 'round twelve o'clock,
St. Nick, he's gonna hit our block!
So honey, let's hang up that sock—
And rock!

That jolly gent will have a rack

Of platters in his great big sack;
He'll slide right down our chimney stack—
And rock!

CHORUS
Oh, yes, we'll rock, Santa, rock!
Oh, yes, we'll rock, Santa, rock!
We're gonna rock, Santa, rock! J Oh, goodness! Oh, gracious! Oh, golly! Oh, gee!
We're gonna rock— I I wonder what all the commotion can be!
The Santa Rock! Someone is shouting and cursing at me!
Why, Santa is caught in our chimney!
(repeat chorus 12 times) ^
He's sweating and fuming and screaming out loud!
And soon he will gather a very big crowd!
Such terrible language should not be allowed!
Why, Santa is caught in our chimney!

His coat is all dirty and covered with dust!

He's coughing and choking and full of disgust!
I think his suspenders are starting to bust!
Why, Santa is caught in our chimney!

I fear that his temper is starting to show!

Lis nose is all red and his cheeks are aglow!
p
erhaps I should put out the fire below'
Cause Santa is caught in our chimney! 31
DOUBLE-CROSS EXPOSURE DEPT.
THE REDUCING
As f a r back as w e can remember (meaning last w e e k ,
which is as f a r back as w e can remember), magazines,
T Y P I C A L "BEFORE'' PICTURE
newspapers, a n d television have been using " B e f o r e "
a n d " A f t e r " advertising. These a r e ads where they
show a picture o f some clod b e f o r e using a product,
a n d the same clod after using the p r o d u c t . Usually,
the after picture is so p h o n i e d u p , a n d the changes
a r e so fqntastic, that there's really no connection
with the before picture they started w i t h . So —
because w e hate leaving ill-enough alone — w e hired
a private e y e , dressed him in an Ivy League suit,
a n d turned him loose on Madison Avenue. A n d n o w ,
M A D presents the results o f his investigation —
d o c u m e n t a r y p r o o f — our unvarnished, u n b e l i e v a b l e ,
a n d absolutely unnecessary report which reveals . . .

THE TRUTH
ABOUT
"BEFORE" photo shows frowsy woman weighing 369 lbs.
standing before share-cropper's shack located in poorer
section of city garbage dump. Besides being overweight,
she suffers from acne, baldness, and taking fuzzy pictures.

THE SLEEPING
T Y P I C A L "BEFORE'' PICTURE

"BEFORE" scene shows baggy-eyed man tossing sleeplessly

on rickety bed. His pajamas are wrinkled, the sheets are
torn and dirty, and the room furniture is old and dingy.
It looks like this guy hasn't slept in two or three years.
 f; \ SO THEN THESE CLOWNS CAME OUT
VITH THE ••HILTKR-TIP" C lOAKETTE!
W
COURSE AD
T Y P I C A L "AFTER" PICTURE M A D REAL "AFTER PICTURE

"AFTER" photo shows same woman slimmed down to 118 REAL "AFTER" photo from MAD's file shows woman lost
lbs. Potato sack has turned into Dior original, and she's not exactly 8 lbs. This just makes potato sack look baggier.
only lost her weight, she's lost her address. Now stands Only other change is that share-cropper's shack has begun
before S50,000 house with swimming pool and Cadillac. settling into ooze. So is woman. She's still pretty hefty.

ARTIST: WALLACE WOOD WRITER: SY REIT

PILL AD
T Y P I C A L "AFTER" PICTURE M A D R E A L "AFTER PICTURE

f
u)ood _pfifcr |
"AFTER" scene shows same man sleeping soundly. H e now REAL "AFTER" scene from MAD's file shows that sleep-
wears silk pajamas, bed has contour sheets, and room is ing pills actually do work. Man fell fast asleep, missed
refurnished in Swedish Modern. Sleeping pills' secret work, got fired, lost mortgaged home, was divorced by his
ingredient, "pancake make-up", has erased bags under eyes. wife, and now spends life sleeping in skid row doorways.
33
 THE HOME PERMANENT AD
T Y P I C A L "BEFORE'' PICTURE T Y P I C A L 'AFTER'' PICTURE

"BEFORE" picture shows seedy-looking girl wearing seedy- "AFTER" picture shows same girl at next dance with her
looking dress attending dance in seedy-looking school gym. new home permanent. She's now a social success. In fact,
Friends group around, laughing and jeering at her because she's now Queen of England. Gym resembles Westminster
• • .
she's got drab, lifeless hair. She's miserable and unhappy. Abbey. Friends, led by Sal Mineo, all kneel at her feet.

THE EYE MAKE-UP AD

T Y P I C A L 'BEFORE'' PICTURE T Y P I C A L 'AFTER'' PICTURE

"BEFORE" shot shows girl in rags scowling in mirror. "AFTER" shot shows amazing results of eye make-up.
She suffers from "no eye make-upitis". The symptoms are Girl has turned into fashion model. Mirror has turned
obvious. She has wrinkled eyes. She also has a wrinkled into ships porthole. Mop has turned into Ricky Nelson.
forehead, a wrinkled nose, and mainly wrinkled teeth. Guy who makes eye make-up has turned into millionaire.
 THE " F I L T E R " WAS SUPPOSED
f"J". TO TRAP ALL THE HARMFUL
.'AY IRRITANTS OUT OF THE SMOKE!

TOOTHPASTE AD
M A D REAL A F T E R PICTURE T Y P I C A L "BEFORE'' PICTURE

"BEFORE" scene shows shabby bum who obviously needs a

job. Also a bath. Man is suffering from unsightly teeth.
Man is also suffering from strange disease which causes
concentric rings to emanate from his mouth as he breathes.

T Y P I C A L 'AFTER'' PICTURE

REAL "AFTER" picture, from MAD file, shows that home

permanents really work. Girl now has beautiful hair. But
friends still group around, laughing and jeering at her
because now she's got dishpan hands from taking too many.

M A D REAL A F T E R PICTURE'

"AFTER" scene shows results of single brushing. Teeth

sparkle. Man has new suit of clothes, and new job as top
State Dept. official, as mouth rings are gone, and protec-
tive shield covers teeth, keeping him from talking sense.

M A D REAL "AFTER PICTURE''

REAL "AFTER" shot indicates application of eye make- REAL "AFTER" scene from MAD file shows that invisible
up has indeed caused change. Girl is still miserable — protective shield really prevents decay. It also prevents
but now sports two beautiful shiners given to her by an food from entering mouth, so man starves to point where
older sister, whose mascara and eye make-up she swiped. he ends up as "before" in "I was a 97 pound weakling!" ad.
 Weak pulse . . . shallow breathing!
DON MARTIN DEPT. PART II Hmmmm! There's no doubt about it!
have to use another hypo!
After Don Martin walked out on "The
Brain O p e r a t i o n " (pg. 15), he found
it increasingly difficult to keep from
blowing his top . . . mainly because it
wasn't nailed down! So it didn't take
long before he found himself back . . .
 THE " F I L T E R " WORKED PRETTY GOOD. TOO! IT
... TRAPPED ALL THE HARMFUL IRRITANTS TILL IT
COULDN'T HOLD ANY MORE AND THEY ALL OOZED
3 5 m m H I S T R I O N I C S PEPT. Uf INTO YOUR MOUTH IN CONCENTRATED FORM!

The other day, we went to see a movie called "John Paul Jones." Yecccchh! the real heroes never even took part in? How the dates of these events are
Did you ever notice how, in historical films, short homely American heroes often confused? We got to wondering about the psychology and motivation
are always played by tall handsome actors? How historical figures who never behind Hollywood historical movies. So we asked our good friend, producer
met are close friends? How the actors playing these historical figures do Darryl F. Sfortz, to give us a private screening of his latest. historical
nothing but run around shouting famous slogans? How they show up at events film, together with his private analysis. Come along with us now as . . .

M A D GOES T O A
HISTORICAL MOVIE
PREVIEW A R T I S T : JOE ORLANDO

As you can see, we've titled this film, "George Washington Strikes
WRITER: LARRY SIEGEL

Back!" We used this title because it's catchy, historical, sure-

fire box office, and mainly because the picture's about James
Buchanan, who few people know or care about!

Originally, we planned to release this film on July 4, 1960, but we

have pushed the date up to Dec. 3 1 , 1959. This was done so that the Yankee Doodle, how I love ya!
American public can see this important picture as soon as possible. Yankee Doodle, you're my joyM
Also, so the patriotic song, "Yankee Doodle, How I Love Ya," sung
by The Legionnaires, will be eligible for this year's Academy Awards! Yankee Doodle, I think of ya!
SWh Yankee Doodle, you're my boyS
Yankee Doodle, I keep singing!'
Screenplay 1
Patriotic-ly, I shout:
Yankee Doodle, how I love ya!
by N o r m a n Fintz ' T i l l the opening credits
'All run
Adapted from a novel lOut!
by Sidney Clotz
Developed from a short story
by Irving Zetz
Pv E x p a n d e d f r o m a h i g h school essay
S by Horace Watts
•
.-inspired by an interesting comma in
The Reader's Digest
w 4 All historical films must have an acknowledg-
ment at the beginning. It looks impressive,
adds prestige, and covers up the fact that we
We open the picture with James Buchanan as a boy.
As you can see, he's wearing rags. In all historical
fa really got our historical data from bubble
gum cards and back issues of "History Comics!"
films, for dramatic purposes, the hero must start
off as a poor boy—even if he were really rich!

WE WISH TO THANK THE-U.S. ARMY, Ha-ha! There J Look how I may be poor,
goes that • a poor he is! .J but I have a
THlp&rS. NAVY, THE PRESIDENT, ragged James wonderful
THE SECY. Of?/STATE, REAR ADM. Buchanan . . .
- _J_
dream for
the future!
WILLIAty ABIS&H, TliE JER;SiV CITY
.,/jyjpLiG: LIBRKRY, AND ALL THE
MEMBERS OF Mrss ZINN'S HISTORY
CLASS AT PQTRZEBJE HI£H SfHOOL
EXCEBf SBYMOm G^TZOFF, WHO
*j 'WAS ^BSE^T, *tOR THE*fc
INVALUABLE ASSISTANCE IN THE
FILMING OF TEtIS MOJJON PICTURE.

Notice how subtly we worked that in? That, of course,

In all historical films, our hero always has a is the pivotal point of the film. And immediately, the
wonderful dream for the future. He also always tension is heightened. But it's still early in the pic-
has a kindly and understanding mother . . . ture, so our hero must continue to be discouraged, even
by his kindly and understanding mother . . .

James, what is this Well, kindly and understanding II'll "15th President" you! I But kindly and understanding
wonderful dream you Mother, I thought it would be
have for the future? I Better you should do some-B mother . . . Spencer Tracy did
nice if I became 15th President
Ithing worthwhile . . . like | that in "Edison The Man!"
of the United States . . . you
I invent a light bulb!
know, right before Abe Lincoln!

Hfc*^8
Wft^mIpw
i*> J W m&Ti
r* u

>JSz
So much for James Buchanan's boyhood. And about Now, here's the big scene where young James meets
time, too! It took a month to film, and our No. 1 pretty Daisy DuPont, his bride-to-be. Actually, there
box office star: tall, handsome Lance Boyle, who never was a Daisy DuPont. In fact, Buchanan never
plays Buchanan as a man, collected $5000 a week married. We threw her in for historical reasons.
for doing nothing. Lance, as you know, is a perfect So we could get sexy shots for our newspaper ads!
choice for James Buchanan as a man—mainly because
he doesn't look anything like him! You may recall
that Lance played Napoleon, Caesar, Nostradamus,
Sun Yat-Sen, Betsy Ross, and Abe Lincoln. Matter
of fact, he wore his Lincoln makeup for this film.
All we did was remove the high hat, mole and beard!

38

" * • :
 x~
In historical films, you must bring in historical events whenever you can. But
J4»sr \ ^ a you must do it subtly, so the audience doesn't expect it. Like this, for example:

Oh, excuse me, gentlemen! I didn't mean to disturb you W r i t e down the There! Even old King George y
while you're busy signing the Declaration of Independence, directions for will be able to read that!
especially since this is 1813 and you're a little late! him, John Hancock!
Could anybody tell me how to get to 732 Elm Street?

Now we come to the big ballroom scene. Ballroom scenes are very important in historical
films, because you have a wonderful chance to show off notable figures in history, you
can get in plenty of famous slogans, and you can do a lot of impressive name-dropping . .

Hello, Miss D u p o n t ! • W h y . hello, Mr. Buchanan! Nice meeting you, Buchanan! Tom! TOM You know. Miss
Remember me? James I'd like you to meet Mr. A miss is as good as a mile! JKFFERSON! Fritchie. I only
Buchanan, with the Benjamin Franklin! Ben Many hands make light work! W h e r e is regret that I
wonderful dream writes clever proverbs for Rolling stones gather no moss! that man? have but one life
for the future! Poor Richard's Almanac! to give for my
country!

10

; And what will you I dunno . . .

call this magazine Life, Look. give me death! -fa\
of yours. Tom Paine? Common Sense
something
like that!

And now for the dramatic historic meeting between James

Buchanan and John Paul Jones, which should really cause Now wdtch how cleverly we work up to a dandy action-type climax
v quite a stir among the movie-going public. Mainly
because Jones died when Buchanan was one year old!
in what ordinari ly could have been a very dull historical film.

Tell me, Mr. Jones, Actually, I d o have a slogan, which Matter of fact, Buchanan, W e l l , I did plan on
why is it you don't is a lulu! But I'm saving it for a there's a peach of a sea becoming 15th President,
shout famous slogans dramatic moment later. Just wait un- battle coming up tomorrow but I suppose that can
like the others here? til a certain British naval officer between my ship, the Bon wait a few days. Besides, J&&
asks me if I have yet begun to fight. Homme Richard, and the this sounds more exciting!
Just w a i t . . . that's all! English ship, Serapis. W h y
not join me on board? You
will be able to hear me
shout my famous slogan!
<•>- Now for the thrilling climax! Watch it carefully, and enjoy it. Meanwhile, I've got to leave. We're starting
to film "Son of George Washington" this afternoon. As you know, it's the thrilling story of the life of
Calvin Coolidge! So, goodbye! And . . . oh, yes . . . make sure that you put out the lights when you leave

Boy, John, I'm glad you like it, James! And just wait Ahoy aboard the Did you hear Hmmm! I was sure
this sure until that British officer asks me if 1 Bon Homme Richard! that, John! I had that slogan
beats running have yet begun to fight! I've got a slogan Captain John Paul Now's your here someplace! Or
for 15th in my pocket here that's a beauty! Oh-Oh! Jones! Have you chance to did I leave it in
President Here comes the Serapis now . . . yet begun to fight? use that my other uniform?
any day! slogan!

Oh, this must be it! All right! Here's another piece of paper! You ask me if
All right, Sir! You I have yet begun to fight, Sir, and I say . . . YOU CAN LEAD
ask me if I have yet A HORSE T O WATER, BUT Y O U C A N N O T . . . Ooops! That's
b e u n t o fi
the slogan! W « «ht? I say: another letter from Ben! How about TIPPECANOE AND
~ FEED A COLD A N D TYLER TOO! No, that isn't it either!
J STARVE A FEVER!

Ooops! That's a
etter from
Ben Franklin! ' x 161

/ •

mmm

I'm looking for Thanks very E T T U , BRUTE? Where can You can take me REMEMBER T H E
The New World much, Mr. No, that's not I drop you to Washington, ALAMO?—No!
with these three Columbus! it! LAFAYETTE, off, Mr. D.C. As dull as TWENTY-THREE
W E ARE H E R E ? - Buchananaw: it sounds, I've I SKIDOO?—NO!
ships! You fellows
No! OKAY M E N , decided to become
want a lift? W I N W I T H WILKIE?
T H I S O N E ' S FOR
THE GIPPER?-NO!
m 15th President
after all! -No!
TIME FOR A CHANGE?
-No!
54-40 OR FIGHT?-NO!

W I N S T O N TASTES G O O D
LIKE A C I G A R E T T E - N O !
 SO THEN THESE CLOWNS CAME OUT

EDITORIAL WHEEZE DEPT. 9 WITH THE "DOUBLE FILTER!" THE

EXTRA KILTER WAS SUPPOSED TO
KEEP THE HARMFUL INGREDIENTS FROM
REACHING THE ORIGINAL FILTER!

W e picked up an early edition of our daily paper heckuva big collision after all! In fact, it was
a few weeks back, and were shocked to read that not much more than a paint scratch! Whiclrgot us
the Queen Elizabeth had been in one heck of a big pretty sore! N o t about the collision. About the
collision with another ship. However, when we fact that newspapers sure change news from one
read a later edition of the same paper, we noted edition to the next! F'rinstance, here is a typ-
a change in the story. Mainly, it wasn't such a ical newspaper's early edition, which is called

THE FIRST EDITION A R T I S T : GEORGE W O O D B R I D G E

THE NEW YORK

WRITER: F R A N K JACOBS

^ FIRST EDITION ^T WEATHER

ALL THE NEWS

THAT FITS
DRILY SPLASH Fair today and
tonight. High in
the 70's, low 60.

Vol. 46, No. 315 November 2, 1959 Price: 5 Cents

MASS SLAYER, 8 OTHERS ESCAPE SING SING

CAIRO DESTROYED
BY ATOMIC ATTACK!
BULLETIN (Special to The Daily Splash) Cairo,
the capital of Egypt and one of the world's great
cities, lies in ruins today. A report received in The
DAILY SPLASH newsroom indicates that a tre-
mendous blast has wiped this ancient city off the
face of the map.
Convicted mass-murderer. Mike Mosholu ( a b o v e ) According to a reliable
and 8 other kill-crazy prisoners broke out of S i n g
Sing Prison today. The d a n g e r o u s m e n were reported
GOLD DISCOVERED source, an atomic bomb was
the probable cause of the de-
struction. It is not known as
to h a v e m a d e their e s c a p e in a departing g a r b a g e
truck. Mosholu is b e l i e v e d to b e the g a n g leader.
IN ARIZONA! yet who was responsible for
By Monroe Pippit the bombing, or the reasons
(Daily Splash Corresvondent) behind it.
TYCOON'S SON M I S S I N G : HOGSHEAD, Ariz. N o v . l - In Washington, U.S. offi-
cials were expected to issue
Gold was discovered near
K I D N A P P I N G IS FEARED Hogshead today, in an old statements regarding the
bombing at any moment.
abandoned mine long be-
By Hermione Zitzlaff f acturing war-surplus items, lieved played out. A huge Forthcoming announcements
(Daily Splash Correspondent) including the famous "Vee- nugget, part of a rich lode, are also expected from Mos-
FLYSCRATCH, Tenn., blefetzer." was spotted early this morn- cow, London, and the U.N.
Nov. 2-Little Melvin Stern- Police believe that the ing by Hiram Filbrick, who Headquarters here in New
wallow, son of millionaire, family's wealth may have owns a farm nearby. York.
Elihu Sternwallow, is miss- been an important factor Although early reports The report did not indi-
ing and presumed kid- behind the kidnapping. How- supply little information, it cate how many people have
napped. The boy has not ever, no ransom notes have is believed that the rich gold died as a result of the blast.
been seen since early yester- as yet been received. strike will bring thousands The fate of Egyptian leader
day. of prospectors into the area. Gamel Abdel Nasser is also
Melvin's distraught par- A reliable source states that uncertain. Several attempts
ents told this reporter that Dinner to Honor Daily the newly discovered vein by this newspaper to contact
the boy left the house yes- may stretch for miles. its correspondents in Cairo,
terday to see some friends. SPLASH Staff As a result of his discov- so that more facts could be
A neighbor, Miss Sophie The reporters, correspond- ery, Filbrick will probably learned, have met only with
Frimp, revealed today that ents, and editorial staff of become one of the richest failure.
she'd noticed a mysterious The DAILY SLASH will be men in the state. At today's In any case, The DAILY
man in a black jacket loiter- honored tonight at a special prices, an ounce of pure SPLASH predicts that this
ing near the Sternwallow dinner to be given by the gold is worth about $35.00. bombing is likely to change
mansion yesterday. Police publisher, Otto Culpepper. the entire course of the Cold
working on the case were The staff will be cited for its War.
given an accurate descrip- excellent coverage of local,
tion by Miss Frimp. So far, national and international
this is the only important news. Air Traffic Heavy Over Boston
clue turned up in the inves- Special mention will be BOSTON, Mass. Nov. 2
tigation. made of the many exclusive (Special to The Splash) —
Melvin is the sole heir to news stories gathered by The amount of air traffic over
the Sternwallow fortune. The SPLASH reporters and Boston was unusually heavy
His father, known as the correspondents throughout today, according to local
"Cut-Rate King," is owner the years. Site of big Arizona gold strike
of sa***V f actoi»*«»% manu^
THE "DOUBLE KILTER" WORKED PRETTY GOOD. MU,
TOO . . . UNTIL THE CIGARETTE BURNED DOWN, ».-{4
AND THE EXTRA KILTER STARTED BURNING. 9 u 0
AND YOU GOT MUCH MORE HARMFUL IRRITANTS! VS/

After the First Edition hits the streets, a to be any! And two—it has to change all the
newspaper then finds it has two very impor- mistakes it made in the First Edition! This
tant things to do. One—it has to come up with is done by adding late information, subtract-
some fresh news, even if there doesn't happen ing misinformation, and then coming out with

THE SECOND EDITION

* * SECOND EDITION * * THE NEW YORK WEATHER
Partly Cloudy today
ALL THE NEWS
THAT FITS DRILY SPLASH and tonight. High in
the 60's. low 50-55.

Vol. 46, No. 315 November 2, 1959 Price: 5 Cents

STATEWIDE SEARCH ON FOR SING SING ESCAPEES

WORLD AWAITS FATE
OF BOMBED CAIRO
The entire world today awaited further de-
tails concerning the fate of Cairo, which was re-
ported destroyed this morning. Apparently the
blast, which may have been an atomic explosion,
has crippled all radio and telegraph facilities in
the Egyptian capital. „ . ,.
At all events, as of this
moment, Cairo appears to be
This a b a n d o n e d automobile ( a b o v e ) , found 35 miles ARIZ. GOLD cut off from the rest of the
world.
north of Sing S i n g Prison, is suspected of being the News of the holocaust,
g e t a w a y car used b y four convicts w h o reportedly
vaulted the prison wall today. Mike Mosholu, previ- by Monroe Pippit
STRIKE HUGE which was first carried by
The DAILY SPLASH, has
thrown the major powers
ously believed to be the g a n g leader, w a s discovered (Daily Splash Correspondent) into a state of cautious si-
in the prison hospital, suffering from the mumps. HOGSHEAD, Ariz., Nov. 2 lence. As yet, no word has
—The great Hogshead Gold come from any of the world's
Strike threatened to reach important capitals. It is be-
F.B.I.T0 BE SUMMONED epic p r o p o r t i o n s today. lieved that both Washington
Thousands of prospectors and Moscow are waiting for
are expected to converge on the other to make the first
IN KIDNAPPING CASE! this richly laden area mo- comment.
mentarily. They will join It is not known who was
farmer Hiram Filbrick who responsible for the blast, or
By Hermione Zitzlaff goods. Melvin's father is discovered a large vein of the reasons behind it. The
(Daily Splash Correspondent) Max Sternwallow, a cheese- the yellow metal yesterday. DAILY SPLASH'S military ex-
FLYSCRATCH, T e n n . cake taster who makes $85 As a result of the early pert, General Howard Mar-
Nov. 2 - T h e Federal Bureau a week, when he's working. edition DAILY SPLASH scoop, lin, U.S.A. (ret.) suspects
of Investigation may be Police are expected to check revealing the rich find, hun- that a plane flying at an ex-
called in to help solve the their files for men with dreds of New Yorkers are tremely high altitude could
Sternwallow kidnapping criminal records who are reported leaving their jobs have bombed the city with-
case, it was announced here known cheesecake eaters, today and heading for Ari- out being detected. He also
today. But Police working for a lead. zona. It is believed that the offers the possibility that
on the case don't think so. size of the Arizona strike the bomb may have been an
Under the law, the F.B.I, will equal or surpass that of experimental Inter-Contin-
can be summoned after 24 Publisher to Speak at the great California bonanza e n t a l B a l l i s t i c Missile
hours in a kidnapping. Daily SPLASH Dinner of 1849. If so, then the on- (ICBM) with an atomic
Meanwhile, Police have rush of gold-seekers will warhead, which somebody
checked out the "mysterious Otto Culpepper, publisher turn this quiet community launched accidentally.
man in the black jacket" of The DAILY SPLASH, an- of 37 into a roaring boom
seen by a neighbor near the nounced that he will address town. Boston Highways Jammed
Sternwallow house yester- the special dinner to be
day. He turned out to be the given tonight honoring the BOSTON, Mass., Nov. 2,
boy's father, who was carry- newspaper's staff. (Special to The Splash) —
ing out the garbage. "I personally want to ex- Highways leading out of
The whereabouts of young press my appreciation to the Boston have been unusually
Melvin, missing since yes- staff for The DAILY SPLASH'S crowded today, local officials
terday, has continued to baf- excellent coverage of the announced. The large
fle authorities. Investigation news," stated Culpepper. Prospector leaves for Arizona amount of road traffic fol-
has revealed that the boy is "This is the finest crew of According to many old lowed an earlier report of
no relation to Elihu Stern- reporters, correspondents timers, this is the greatest extremely heavy air traffic
wallow, the millionaire man- and editors I have ever had day for Arizona since it be- over the city.
42 ufacturer of waj^^«*i]us the pleasure of working came a state in
witl
 g'J"0 NOW THEY'RE COMING OUT
\jj/ WITH HINTS OF MINT . . .

After the Second Edition is distributed around editions. This, of course, is twice as hard,
the city, the newspaper gets one more chance since the mistakes in the First Edition have
to come up with some fresh news and correct only been made worse in the Second Edition!
all the mistakes it's made in the two earlier But somehow, they always manage to publish

THE FINAL EDITION

* * * FINAL EDITION * * *
THE NEW YORK WEATHER
Rain tonight and
ALL THE NEWS
THAT FITS DRILV SPLRSH tomorrow followed
by hurricane winds.

Vol. 46, No. 315 November 2, 1959 Price: 5 Cents

MARTIANS INVADE BOSTON!

THOUSANDS JAM HIGHWAYS
AS FLYING SAUCERS LAND
BOSTON, Mass., Nov. 2 (AP)-The entire
population of Boston is fleeing for their lives
today in the wake of a confirmed invasion
from Mars.
Early reports indicate that highways leading out
of the terrorized city are packed with panic-
stricken men, women and children.
The Martians landed in
CAIRO BEGINS force this morning, arriv-
ing in a fleet of flying
saucers estimated at more
Tidal w a v e of terror a s frantic Bostonians flee from
Out-of-Space i n v a d e r s a c r o s s f a m e d Boston Common.
CIVIC CENTER than 1000. For several hours,
the huge circular space
up a pin-up picture of Vera CONSTRUCTION crafts hovered over the city,
blasting key points with de-
COUPLE ELOPES Hruba Ralston, was quickly
removed. There have been
CAIRO, 111., Nov. 2 (AP)
— Workmen today began
structive rays.
It is not known how many
IN TENNESSEE no escapes from Sing Sing
Prison for the past four
blasting operations as the
City of Cairo, Illinois, inau-
are dead as the result of this
surprise attack but estimates
years. gurated its program to tear run into the hundreds of
FLYSCRATCH, Tenn. Nov. down seventeen old tene- thousands. The city is
2 (UP)-Mr. and Mrs. Boris ments in preparation for the rapidly becoming a deserted,
Hendershot today announced
the marriage of their daugh-
DAILY SPLASH construction of a new Civic charred waste as every car,
Center, to be completed in truck and bus capable of
ter, Fanny to Mr. Melvin
Sternwallow, 35, son of Mr. STAFF FIRED 1968. carrying people, heads out
of the city.
and Mrs. Max Sternwallow. The entire staff of The
The couple had eloped early
yesterday.
DAILY SPLASH was
charged today by Otto Cul-
dis- FARMER FINDS The saucers, which landed
at important street inter-
pepper, the newspaper's pub-
lisher. This includes the
GOLD TOOTH sections, each carried an
army of alien creatures.
SHORT CIRCUIT paper's editors, reporters
and correspondents.
HOGSHEAD, Ariz., Nov. 2
(INS) - Hiram Filbrick,
Each of these interplane-
tary invaders was armed
owner of a small farm near
SETS OFF ALARM Culpepper stated that the
reason for the mass-dismis- here, found his missing gold
with a death-dealing ray
gun.
OSSINING, N.Y., Nov. 2, sal was "poor judgment in tooth today, in an old aban- So far, Boston is the only
(AP)—A short circuit acci- writing and editing news doned mine. Filbrick, who city on Earth to be threat-
dentally set off the Sing stories." had lost the tooth last week ened by the Martian force.
Sing prison alarm here He also announced that when he smacked into an old Every newspaper, and all
today, but officials reported the dinner tonight honoring shoring timber in the mine, TV and radio s t a t i o n s
there was no panic. The The DAILY SPLASH staff had figures he was pretty lucky throughout the world were
cause, a thumbtack holding been called off. to find it a t all. "It's pretty alerted to the danger this
dark in there, y' know!" he morning.
statt
A COOL YULE PEPT.

Back in the 19th Century, when Clement

Moore wrote "A Visit From St. Nicholas,"
MADS UP-
it was very popular among the younger set.
Today's younger set, unfortunately, can't
appreciate it because they speak a totally
different language called "Hip Talk." So,
in order to revive its popularity, here's
The Night
©LB WISSSil
A Itait Jfarnt

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds. Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the pad
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads; Not a hipster was swinging, not even old Dad;
And mama in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap, The chimney was draped in that stocking routine,
In hopes that "The Fat Man" would soon make the scene;
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter!
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow

Gave a lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear.
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came.
And he whistled, arid shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen!

The moon and the snow were, like, faking together,
On, Comet! On Cupid! On Donder and Blitzen! Which made the scene rock in the Day People weather,
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall! When, what to these peepers should come on real queer,
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!" But a real crazy sleigh, and eight swinging reindeer,

44 ARTIST: WALLACE WOOD

 . . . AND JUST A TOUCH
# OF MILD MENTHOL . . .

TO-DATE VERSION OF
Before Christmas
NEW MAD "HIP" VERSION

to &i'*EuMA.M P>i* HfcftOTf*

The wee cats were laid out all cool in their beds, When out of left field there came on such a ribble,
While sounds of the "Sugar Blues" wailed through their heads; I broke from my sack to see what was this dribble!
And my chick in her "Castro," and me on the floor, To the glasspane I cut like a B-Western movie,
Had just conked out cold for a forty-wink snore, Tuned in on the action, and, Man, was it groovy!

With a hopped-up old driver on some frantic kick, "Like, Dasher! Like, Dancer! Like, Prancer and Vixen!
I was hip in a flash that it must be St. Nick. Go, Comet! Go, Cupid! Go, Donder and Blitzen!
Much faster than "Bird" blew, this group was no drag, Fly over the shack! Make it over the pad!
And he rocked, and he rolled, and he pegged them by tag: Now cut out, Man! Cut out, Man! Cut out like mad!"

45
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of toys and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkle, I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot; As sidemen in combos pick up as they stomp,
When they swing with the beat of a Dixieland Romp,
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back.
So up to the top of my bandstand they flew,
And he looked like a peddiar just opening his pack. With the sleigh full of loot, and St. Nicholas, too.

His eyes—how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
His lids—Man, they sizzled! His dimples were smiles!
His cheeks were like "Dizzy's," his beak was like "Miles' "!
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, His puckered-up mouth was, like, blowing flat E,
And filled all the stockings,- then turned with a jerk, And his chin hid behind a real crazy goatee!

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,

"Happy Christmas to all! And to all a good-night!"

He blew not a sound, but skipped fight to his gig,

And stashed all the stockings, then came on real big,
And flashing a sign, like that old "Schnozzle" bit,
And playing it hip, up the chimney he split;
 J.VII,,
i.-'i THEY'RE EVEN POKING MILLIONS OF

HEW MAD "HIP" VERSIOH tfll'e

^2-/
HOLES IN THE CIGARETTE PAPER
SO YOU SHOULD INHALE AIR . . .

And then, in a quick riff, I dug on the roof He was wrapped up to kill, Man,
The jumpin' and jivin' of each swinging hoof. And his rags were, like, way out! Pops! He was a gasser!
As I pulled in my noggin, and turned around fast, A sack full of goodies hung down to his tail,
Down the chimney came Nick like a hot trumpet blast. And he looked like a postman with "Basie's" fan mail.

The tip of a butt he had snagged in his choppers, He was shaking with meat, meaning he was no square,
And he took a few drags just like all cool be-boppers; And I flipped, 'cause I'd always thought he was "longhair"!
He had a weird face, and a solid reet middle But the glint in his eye and the beat in his touch
That bounced when he cracked, like a gutbucket fiddle! Soon gave me the message this cat was "too much"!

He flew to his skids, to his group blew a lick, But I heard him sound off, with a razz-a-ma-tazz: 47
And they cut out real cool, on a wild frenzied kick. "A cool Christmas to all, and, like, all of that jazz!"
 AIM, VKNOW. THE TOBACCO INDUSTRY IS
L 3 THE ONLY INDUSTRY IN AMERICA THAT'S
DON MARTIN DEPT. PART III 3 u p
VS/
SLOWLY BUT SUKKLY ELIMINATING THE
PRODUCT IT SELLS . . . THE SMOKE!

And now, for his parting shot, Don Martin tells what it feels like to be . . .
DO YOUR CHRISTMAS SHOPPING EARLY
CAND GIVE Y O U R FRIENDS A CHANCE TO GET EVEN]

AT
THE Christmas Gift Mart
A GIFT SUBSCRIPTION TO DECK YOUR FRIENDS IN CLOTHES OF FOLLY!

MAD
MEANS ENJOYMENT
FOR A FULL YEAR
(while you watch the people you gave it to suffer!)

A N D WE'LL SEND YOUR VICTIM A CHEERY

A N N O U N C E M E N T TELLING W H O M TO B L A M E

MAD SUBSCRIPTIONS 225 Lafayette Street New York 12, N. Y

I know it's better to give than to receive,
especially when it's your crummy magazine,
so send a 9-issue MAD Gift-Subscription to:

ADDRESS.
T-SHIRTS STRAIGHT JACKETS
The MAD STRAIGHT JACKET looks exactly like the real thing when you shove your arms
CITY _ _ • »

in them roomy criss-cross pockets. Comes with a genuine padlock. Doubles as a handsome
autograph or lounging jacket.. . .The MAD T-SHIRT doubles as a handsome dusting rag.
and send a cheery announcement blaming
t MAD STRAIGHT JACKETS & MAD T-SHIRTS
(For more than one Gift Subscription, duplicate 225 Lafayette Street, New York 12, New York
the above coupon. Or better still, go out and
buy more copies of the magazine! (no fools, we!) I want to deck my friends in clothes of folly until they come upon

i
me on a midnight clear! Please fill the following order, and send me:

i(S) small
NO. OF JACKETS. .SIZE(S).
TWO DELIGHTFUL COLLECTOR'S ITEMS (M) medium
I (L) large
(FOR YOUR T W O DELIGHTFUL GARBAGE COLLECTORS!)
f AMOUNT ENCLOSED AT $4.95 each
CHECK
These hard-bound de-luxe anthologies con-
tain the best material (each different)
from past issues of MAD Magazine. You get
I f NO. OF SHIRTS SIZE(S)
CHART
•CLOW
&
123 pages of riotous material following
* » ' AMOUNT ENCLOSED AT $1.25 each .
K
i
the forward by Ernie Kovacs in MAD FOR
B O Y S & GIRLS
KEEPS! You get 133 pages of hilarious
satire following the forward by Steve CHEST MEAS. SIZE CHEST MEAS. SIZE CHEST MEAS SIZE
Allen in MAD FOREVER! We got 250 hys-
2 4 " - 27" BS 27"-31" BM 31"-34" BL
terical law suits following the publica- %
MAD FOR KEEPS!
tion of these two anthologies! So get 'em
quick . . . before we go out of business!
CHEST MEAS. SIZE
M E N &

CHEST MEAS.
W O M E N

SIZE CHEST MEAS. SIZE

i
34"-37" MS 37"-41" MM 41»_44" ML
MAD ANTHOLOGY DEPARTMENT
225 Lafayette Street
New York City 12, N.Y.
I want to get your anthologies before
you go out of business, and give them
as Christmas gifts to my best friends
so they'll get the business! Rush me:
• - • '
INDICATE
NUMBER
• MAD FOR KEEPS
MAD FOREVER! OF COPIES
OF EACH
• MAD FOREVER AND FOR A
I enclose $2.95 for each copy ordered. Send 25<" for each to:
GREAT WRAP-UP Dept. What-Color?
IS c/o MAD,
ADDRESS.
. . . paste a full-color picture
225 Lafayette St.,
!f
I
of Alfred E. Neuman on your
CITY___ N.Y.C. 12
gift packages, and they won't
even be opened after Christmas!

HELP MAKE THIS CHRISTMAS A MEMORABLE ONE

CMAINLY FOR US!]
DAS SPIEL VON DER AUTOMOBILE OR,
HOW TO LOOK FUNNY WHILE DRIVING
.ACH DU LIEBER! I GET BETTER THAN 35 MPW MIT
DER VATER MEIN VOLKSWAGEN! (DER MPW STANDS FOR "MILES
PER WIND".) ALL I GOTTA DO IS GIVE BY DER KEY A COUPLE TURNS,
UND I CAN GO 35 MILES BEFORE IT RUNS DOWN UNO I GET SHTUCK IN
DER TRAFFIC UND MAYBE GET SQUASHED BY A CADILLAC.BUT MIT DER
PARTS GIVES NO TROUBLE. ALL OVER DER COUNTRY IS DEALERS MIT A
SUPPLY OF ELVES! n ; ^ ~ / l ^ . 7 « ^ T 7 T — r , . , . , Ir „
= = Die Mutter: Vun thing I like is der Volks-
wagen ain't got der shtoopid hole by der roof so der crazy
kids ain't flying those balloons oudtside und lifting up de
car from der road. DAS KINDER: Ve don't like it! Better ve
should have gotten a Renault! DER DEALER: UND REMEMBER, MIT DER
VOLKSWAGEN, YOU DON'T HAVE TO > ^ - \ KEEP UP MIT DER JONESES! BECAUSE EVERY YEAR IS
COMING OUDT A NEW MODEL, BUT / \ ^ _ ^ VE KEEP ALVAYS DER SAME OLD DOODLE-BUG STYLE!

Deutschland, Deutschland iiber alles, iiber alles in Detroit!

V O L K S Wagen

K t U V CRfcAS