FACING the

SHADOW
 Other books by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D.

Out of Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction

A Gentile Path Through the Twelve Steps: AGuidebook for All People in the Process of Recovery

Contrary to Love; Helping the Sexual Adaict

Don't Call It Love: Recovery from Sexual Addiction

Sexual Anorexia: Overcoming Sexual Self-Hatred

The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships

Open Hearts: Renewing Relationships with Recovery, Romance & Reality

Facing the Shadow: Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

In the Shadows of the Net: Breaking Free of Compulsive Online Sexual Behavior

Clinical Management of Sex Adaiction

Recovery Start kit: The First 130 Days

Recovery Zone, Volume 1; Making Changes that Last

 FACING the
SHAD OW
Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
A Gentle Path to seesRecovery from Sex Addiction

Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D.

 &

Gentle Path
PRBESES

Gentle Path Press

PO Box 3172
Carefree, Arizona 85377

www.gentlepath.com

Copyright © 2001-2010 by Patrick Carnes

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be used or

reproduced, stored or entered into a retrieval system, transmitted,
photocopied, recorded, or otherwise reproduced in any form by
any mechanical or electronic means, without the prior written
permission of the author, and Gentle Path Press, except for brief
quotations used in articles and reviews.

Second Edition

For more information regarding our publications,

please contact Gentle Path Press at
1-800-708-1796 (toll-free U.S. only).

Book edited by Marianne Harkin and Rebecca Post

Book cover design by Summation, Inc.
Book interior design by Serena Castillo
ISBN-13: 978-0-9826505-2-3

Author's note:
The stories in this book are true, however, each as been edited for clarity.
Names, locations, and other identifying information
have been changed to protect confidentiality.
 Table of Contents

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Chapter 1 What is Real?

Recognizing Sel-Delusion:: ‘aratetuiey!l “wot sd su ater. 2
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Chapter 2 What is an Addiction?

Understanding Addictive Behavior. . . ........2.4... .31
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INCTAGCIGUVCLSVSlelMiaa: teat a ts alte ON nee & Gals Mee a eames 33
sexual Anorexia—The Mirror of Sex Addiction. 2. © 82. 5 ek 38

Chapter 3 What Are Your Behaviors?

Understanding Compulsive Sex. . . . . . 1. ee ee ee ee 5
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Chapter 4 What is a First Step?

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Table of Contents | v
Chapter 5 What Damage Has Been Done?
RespondingtoChange andCrisis. .......... 4... + 123
CNCESEAOING: ChANOG ce ann, eee iia mn A ey x idl Tt a ee Zs
Damage. Control Worksheets, 7. SAMaMEtes doce Gita sl an a eee 130
DISCIOSURE LAs cence «e.< ay deldel ae REMMI cc ras yp ns «oo ree isve
RESLOFAUOMnOMEUStie:. 4. Seayts-eeeene ete Or cates clit... ee eRe ae ees 160

Chapter 6 What is Sobriety?

Managing Life without Dysfunctional Sexual Behavior. . . . . . . 165
The Soortely ChallenGes «cc. he ao a ee eee meer Rte en oe ee tr iW
ESTADIISHING SODUELY.< -.r- Wet. te enn, oo Rice SU ee 180
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healthy cextialitvand Reationsnip Plans... : s)4.4 eer elie ee eae 2; 196
PRCVONUINGURG Se Sti to 0h tult. aed cee wen hate eee ee OS. Ga, Ree elke,
Creating Your Recovery Zone: The Personal Craziness Index... ..... 203
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Chapter 7 What Has Happened to Your Body?

Managing the Physical Impactof YourAddiction. . ....... . 221
Addiction: Neuionathiwaysrc <r he ee weeese gee ee ce ea ~ weed
sextial Neuropathwaysand/ACdictiOni. . @ «ele caeer so 5 8 ee eee 236
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Chapter 8 Where is Your Support?

Creating
Your SupportSystems. .........2.4.4.4.. =. 283
Leaning About the TWeNe Step: PIOGeSS; = pren Gr ey eee te eee 284
EahivesarcierstoMeetIngS:...< 2a) uiten eis Scan ene ne enna a ee ee 288
Important People Inventory .....2.2.~., 5 sl ar Ate eeeSe ae 292
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vi | Table of Contents
Chapter 9 What Makes for Long-Term Success?
Deepening Recovery for Profound Life Changes . ...... . . 301
ASKS 3-230) taster acing Phe sk EOP Bue ewliee LTehh earcei oeaie olan, Mere ase hee eet 304
TheirstSeven Tasks: Pertormables:Checklist. . Geceese.
ssp ca eee mene eee only

Appendix A: Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. ............ SVT

Appendix B: The Twelve Steps forSex Addicts. .............. 329
Appendix C: ContactInformation .. . ......
2. ee 331
Apnendix.D: Resource [email protected] 29 Us teoh ck Gy eae ee 333
AppendixE: Recommended Readings ................40. 335

Table of Contents | vii

 Digitized by the Internet Archive
in 2023 with funding from
Kahle/Austin Foundation

https://archive.org/details/facingshadowstarO000carn_2nded
 Preface

For all addicts, a moment comes when they realize they have a problem.

| wrote that statement thirty years ago in the beginning of my book Out of the Shadows,
and | am still convinced it is true. In this moment of lucidity, it suddenly hits home how out of
control life is. Then the old rationales and cravings rush back in to blur reality.
Think of an addiction as being caught in a wild and dangerous white water stream. Those
flashes of understanding are footholds when addicts regain stability. If they act quickly, there is a
chance of escaping danger before they are pulled back into the roiling and thrilling current.
Others recognize their peril and know they must get out in order to survive, but the stream
is too strong and those lucid moments too rare. There are some who have reached a point where
they refuse to be pushed around any longer. They seize the opportunity and with courage and
work manage to find tranquil pools or beaches. They pull themselves out and discover they had
forgotten, or maybe never knew, a calmer, more ordered world. With perspective they realize the
last choice they would make would be to spend their lives in the raging river. If you are looking at
this book, you may be wrestling with the problem of sex addiction. If you are, this doesn’t mean
you are bad or perverted or hopeless. It means you may have a disease, an obsession from which
many have healed. It also doesn’t mean you’re one of a lonely few—experts estimate there are
18 million sex addicts in this country, or up to six percent of the population. If you are a “normal”
addict, you will have predictable responses to the following statements:

® Nothing will helo

=» |am overreacting to “normal” things
= Others (my family, my boss, my neighbors) are overreacting to “normal” things
= | am “perverted” and too abnormal to change
=» The problems will blow over
= |canstop if | just try harder (as opposed to trying therapy or recovery)
= | will be OK if | just do less of my behavior
= | will be OK if |can be more skillful or clever about my behavior so | will not be caught

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Preface |ix
 = The reason | do this is because of my spouse or parents or work or religion or culture or
drinking or (fill in the blank)
=» My situation is different
# No one will understand what | do (or did)

lf any of those thoughts occur to you, you are exactly where you should be. This is
what most addicts think when first beginning to confront their addiction. If you are starting
to acknowledge your problem, this is significant progress. You may be opening at last to the
possibility that hope and healing can enter your life.
If you have reached the moment where you know that your sexual behavior is out of
control, this book is for you. Fortunately, there are now many books on sexual addiction (See the
Resources listing at the back of the book). But this is the first one that takes techniques used with
thousands of recovering sex addicts and uses these to teach you step by step how to break free
from the raging current of addiction and make your life better.
Decades of research and clinical experience have taught me that breaking recovery down
into defined tasks makes it easier to leave the addictive life. As recovering people perform these
tasks, they learn specific competencies with which to manage their problems. Taken together,
these skills form a map for success. If they follow the map, they will reach the goal of recovery. If
not, they will end up back in the white water.
This book is the tool many of us now in recovery wish we had when we started. It is
intended to be used as part of therapy, either in an outpatient or inpatient treatment program. It is
also designed to support a Twelve Step recovery program such as Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA),
Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA), or Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). (Look for a listing of
such support groups in the Resources listing in the back of this book.) We have found that both
therapy and Twelve Step support are keys to Success.
Doubtless your internal “addict voice” will supply rationales for not doing therapy or Twelve
Step work:

=» Therapy does not work.

= Therapists are crazy or they would not be in the business.
=» Twelve Step groups will not work for me.
# |can do this on my own.
# | do not like the therapist, the group, the program, the Twelve Steps, the people there,
talking about myself, or (fill in the blank).
= My situation is different.
# No one will understand what | do (or did).

It is at this point that addicts must try to see what is really going on because soon they will
be caught up in the rapids again. That is why we start with the first chapter about “What Is Real?”.

x |Preface Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

 Since Out of the Shadows appeared, | have known close to fifty people who have died
because of their sex addiction and have heard the stories of countless others who have met the
same fate. The last was a man who left my office after trying to convince me that his therapist
and his family were wrong. Outraged with me for pointing out the obvious, he declared he was
capable of handling things his own way. Five days later he was dead, killed while being arrested
for his behavior.
In that same week, another of my patients faced a similar turning point—but she
chose differently. She found a break in the raging current where she could listen to her grown
children and husband. | watched her 26-year-old son figure out how much trouble his mother
faced. “Mom, you can’t keep living like this!” he cried. His plea moved her and, though it was
excruciating, she finally saw herself and what was happening to her. She committed to getting
help. | have great hope for her.
Delusion is the deadliest part of this illness. Those rushing rapids kill. If you are in a moment
where you can see them, | invite you to come out of the river.

Preface |xi
Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 Introduction

YEARS AGO | LEARNED SOMETHING OF GREAT VALUE as | followed the recoveries of

a thousand people. It became clear that if people did certain activities, they got well. If they did
not, relapse was likely. Success in recovery was linked in an essential way to what the recovering
person actually did.
My research staff and | broke these activities down into tasks such as getting a sponsor
and completing a consequences inventory. As our understanding deepened, we designed
experiences that were assigned to recovering patients. When they completed the assignment, it
signaled they had completed the task, grasped its concepts, and made progress toward recovery.
We were teaching specific competencies, or skills, that people could use to manage their
lives and their illnesses. To simply identify the tasks was not enough. We had to make explicit
the skills we were helping develop. This series is based on these skills. We summarized these
skills into thirty tasks. At the conclusion of this book is a guide which maps out these thirty tasks.
Facing the Shadow mentors you through the critical first seven tasks that addicts need to create
the foundation of their recoveries. The Recovery Zone series will lead you through tasks eight
through thirty.
One of the biggest problems in avoiding relapse is follow through. In the real world of
recovery, people are told by their therapists and their sponsors what to do, yet addicts focus
on the sobriety part, ignoring the hard-won lessons of long-term sobriety. Getting sober is not
hard. Staying sober is. Attaining sobriety is just the beginning of recovery. After leaving residential
treatment, patients feel as though they have completed their work when, in fact, the window to
recovery has just opened. Sadly, this is when they often lose their momentum. There is not a
structure to support the long-term work on an outpatient basis. Once sobriety from the addiction
has been established, people need a guide for future steps. That’s what this book aims to do.
Another problem is multiple addictions. It is now clear that for success, the recovering
person will probably have to work on multiple issues. If they do not, untreated addictions may
escalate and the treated addictions will be replaced by others. Treatment approaches have to be
specific enough in each addiction so that recovering people have all the skills and information they

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Introduction |1

needs need to deal with it. Yet the process must get at the core issues for which addictions have
become the “solution.”
In my experience, recovery is no “walk in the park.” As members of Alcoholics Anonymous
say, “It’s a simple program, not an easy program.” Recovering sex addicts face pain and damage
that go to the core of their being. They have countless questions, and even more doubts and fears.
This book addresses those questions and deep feelings, too. Therefore, this series is designed
to be:
= Be comprehensive
= Be specific
# Belong term
= Be focused on cause
® Be inclusive of all addictions
# Be helpful with internal issues such as shame, grief, and trauma
=# = Gain new understandings around work, finances, and health

Facing the Shadow assists in creating a revitalized, interpersonal network of family, friends,
and recovery support. You will learn to:

= Break free from denial

= Make sense of your own sexual history
= Understand your behaviors (chaos)
=m Face the unmanageability
m Access resources and support
= Take the mystery out of arousal and your behavior
= Learn fundamentals of recovery
# Avoid relapse

When | wrote A Gentle Path through the Twelve Steps in 1989, | learned that the book’s users
always add to the recovery process with suggestions. The authors in this series invite you to
contact us with your ideas and feedback (P.O. Box 3172, Carefree, AZ 85877). With your help,
we can fill in the gaps that have troubled recovering people for years.

Best wishes,

Dohu3 Yrs
Patrick J. Carnes

2 |Introduction Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

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You Are Here |3

 Chapter 1 What is Real?
Recognizing Self-Delusion

Mental health is commitment to reality at all costs.

—M. Scott Peck

ADDICTION IS AN ILLNESS OF ESCAPE. Its goal is to obliterate, medicate, or ignore reality.

It is an alternative to letting oneself feel hurt, betrayal, worry, and—most painful of all—loneliness.
The hardest challenge for some addicts is acknowledging that they have a problem.
Addiction cripples the core ability to know what is real—our most essential skill—because addicts
weave a string of rationalizations and delusions that make it impossible to cope with details like
jobs or families.
In this chapter, we will look at why denial holds such strong sway over addicts and what to
do to counter it. We will define addiction and who is likely to become an addict.
Addiction often begins simply: reality becomes too much to bear, so we try to escape
through drugs, alcohol, or sex. Escaping reality for even the briefest time brings some relief. But
when escaping becomes habitual, we have a mental health illness known as addiction. If mental
health can be defined, as M. Scott Peck says, as a commitment to reality no matter what the cost,
addiction can be defined as its most direct opposite: evading reality no matter the cost—though it
may even bring death.
Reality distortion starts within the family. Sex addicts typically come from families in which
addiction is already present. Often, parents, grandparents, siblings, or extended family members
struggle with alcoholism, compulsive gambling, nicotine addiction, eating problems, illicit drug use,
or compulsive sex. Even more likely, those family members battle a combination of addictions.
As children, sex addicts grow up in environments where there is the classic “elephant in
the living room” syndrome: everyone pretends there is no problem although there’s a huge issue
interfering with everyone’s lives. In such a situation, children learn very early to look at addiction and
not see it.
Sex addicts also tend to come from rigid, authoritarian families. These are families in which
all issues and problems are black and white. Little is negotiable and there is only one way to do
things. Success in the family means doing what the parents want to such an extent that children
give up being who they are. Normal child development does not happen. By the time children enter
adolescence, they have few options. One is to become rebellious. The other is to develop a secret

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 1 |5

life about which the family knows nothing. Both positions distort reality. Both result in a distrust of
authority and a poor sense of self.
If the family’s rigidity is also sex negative (that is, children are taught that sex is dirty, sinful,
bad, or nasty), sex becomes exaggerated or hidden. Worse yet, the forbidden can become the
object of obsession. Or all of the above may happen. The worst-case scenario happens when
the child finds out that parents are not living up to their sexual standards. For example, if the
parents preach against sexual promiscuity but one or both chronically have affairs, this teaches the
acceptability of sexual duplicity. The norm is to deceive others and to pretend that what is true is
not true.
One essential way to check reality is to share with others and find out their perception of
a situation. This requires a capacity for intimacy. Most sex addicts, however, come from families
in which members are “disengaged” from one another—there is little sharing or intimacy. Children
develop few skills about sharing, being vulnerable, or risking anything about themselves. As a
result, they learn to trust no one but themselves in such families. The further result is that self-
delusion is then hard to break, and secrets become more potent than reality. The worst effect is
that the children are unable to ask for help.
Abuse and neglect deepen this distrust of others and further distort reality. Children who
are neglected conclude they are not valuable. In addition, they live with a high level of anxiety
because no one teaches them common life skills or provides for their basic needs. Children find
ways to deaden the anxiety they inevitably feel, and they do so compulsively. For sex addicts,
compulsive masturbation is a good example of an anxiety-reduction strategy. Food and alcohol can
be controlled by parents, but it is difficult to stop a young person from masturbating. Other forms
of physical and sexual abuse intensify poor self-esteem and the need for relief from fear.
Abuse victims tend to distort reality. They can overreact or under-respond to life problems.
Being so terrified makes them reactive. Further, they “compartmentalize,” meaning they learn to
split reality, acknowledging parts of their life but disallowing or denying problem areas. That may
mean acting a certain way in one context and totally different in another. They may pretend part of
their life, such as a dead sibling or a family member who is in prison, does not exist. Robert Louis
Stevenson wrote about this compartmentalization when he described Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
Hyde personified the monster underneath the normal exterior of Dr. Jekyll. He was essentially
describing the phenomenon of alcoholism, but it is an apt metaphor for all forms of addiction.
A final characteristic of abuse victims is that they tend to distort or minimize the impact of
abuse. “It was not so bad” or “it did not hurt me much.” This adds another layer of reality distortion.
Sex addicts have so much experience in distorting reality that they become comfortable
with it. Here are examples of the extremes some have gone to:
=» A 35-year-old man is president of a company owned by his wife’s family. He has been
sexually involved with his wife's sister on and off for over three years. He thinks his wife

6 |Chapter 1 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

 will not find out and even if she did, he would not lose the company he has built with
her family money.
= Apriest in his 40s has a compulsive prostitution problem. He has gone through his
family inheritance and now finances his habit from parish funds. He believes no one
will ever find out and that he has not violated his vow of celibacy because he has
maintained “emotional” virginity.
= A police officer has sex with his neighbors, many of whom are friends of his wife and
have children who are friends of his children. He also has had sex with friends of his
wife who do not live in the neighborhood. Though he has been confronted by his wife,
he has managed to convince her he has been faithful. He counts on the fact that he
only picks married women who have to keep the secret, too.
=» Awoman has sex in high-risk situations including adult bookstores. One man secretly
films her having sex with him and then threatens to send it to her husband if she does
not continue to have sex with him.
= A lawyer cost his partners millions of dollars because of having sex with employees.
He started having sex with prostitutes who were also medical students. He believed he
found an adequate solution to his sexual needs. After all, he was doing it with “doctors.”
™ An executive charged hundreds of thousands of dollars to his company for cybersex.
He counted on the company’s immense size and cumbersome accounting practices to
bury his problem.
# A physician would initiate relationships with women after he examined them. He knew
none of the women he had sex with would ever report him because of the “meaning”
they still had for one another.

In each of these cases, the truth came out with horrible results. Every one of these people
was stunned by their capacity for self-delusion.
This is why we start by looking at denial. As you progress in recovery you will start to
understand how this process will work for you. Our purpose now Is simply to say it is normal at this
point to be confused about all this. It is also normal to punish yourself because you feel bad about
sexual activities you have done. And it is true you have not been honest with yourself or others. It
will, however, be easy to see how you got to this point.
There are two challenges: First you must be honest with yourself. Then you need to be
honest with those who can help you, such as your therapist or your support group. This may
surprise you, but | suggest that you wait to tell your spouses, family, friends, and bosses until 1) you
understand what is wrong, and 2) you have support from people who understand your problem.
There are three activities that can help you focus on reality.
First you must list what you think your problems are. This list will be an important
resource as you go through your recovery process.

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 1 |7

 Second, as you review these problems, notice what secrets you have. In other
words, how many instances can you find in which people are unaware of the truth. These are
cases in which you have told lies, failed to tell the whole story, or decided to tell nothing at all.
Finally, what excuses or rationales do you use for your sexual behavior? Make
every effort to be as honest as possible.
We will start to work here on breaking through these barriers to reality. It may be hard at
first, but take heart. This process has worked for countless others before you.

Journal as a Tool
As you go through this workbook, | encourage you to keep a journal or notebook. You
can record the “overflow” in your assignments there. Any reflections or notes you write as you go
through the exercises will become invaluable to you as time goes on.
| would also suggest finding a secure place to keep your journal. If you have confidence no
one but you or a trusted confidant such as a sponsor or therapist will see what you have written,
you can feel free to write openly. This kind of unrestricted honesty is crucial to your recovery.

Problems, Secrets, and Excuses

The Problem List
The goal of this exercise is to reveal your current perception of what is happening in your
life. It will give you a “big picture” of what has brought you to this point in your life. Making the list
will assist you in talking to your therapist and others in your recovery about what is wrong.
It is important to be as complete as possible because doing so will make your recovery
much stronger. If you run out of room feel free to use another sheet of paper or write in your journal.
It may feel uncomfortable or frightening at first to make this list. If necessary, take a break
and come back to it later. Some addicts find that as they write, more layers of their problems are
revealed. Again, this can be unnerving, so if you need to discuss the emotions that are welling up
for you with a sponsor or therapist, do so and then return to this exercise.
List all of your problems here. Include both sexual (ran up credit card for porn videos, lied
to my boss about lunch-time liaisons, have to get AIDS test, and so on) and nonsexual (teenager
having trouble in school, car transmission making funny noise) issues.

8 |Chapter 1 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

Problem One:

Problem Two:

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Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 1 |9

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10 |Chapter 1 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

Problem Nine:

Problem Ten:

Problem Eleven:

Problem Twelve:

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 1 |11
 Problem Thirteen:

Problem Fourteen:

Problem Fifteen:

12 |Chapter 1 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

The Secret List
Usually sex addicts have a significant number of secrets: out-of-wedlock children, credit
cards their wives don’t know about, cyber lovers their husbands have no clue exist. In fact, many
of the problems on your Problem List are probably problems because of the secrets they involve.
You might ask yourself how many of the problems listed would be worse if everybody knew the
truth about your behavior.
Secrets themselves are a problem. First, you may carry the emotional stress of knowing
you are being dishonest. Then you have the anxiety of trying to remember who you told what so
that you do not trip yourself up. And then there is the fear of discovery of the truth.
Each of these problems takes a toll on you. What’s worse, you end up believing some of
your distortions. By telling a story often enough, an addict starts to live as if the story is the reality.
You must start with reality.
Remember to include the omissions, not just the lies you have told, but what you have left
out. As you list each secret, note who does not have an accurate picture about you by indicating
those from whom you have kept the secret. If you need more room, use your journal or notebook.

First Secret:

From whom have you kept this?

eee Ot ate 5 er C »

Second Secret:

ie at 0 Si haces

From whom have you kept this?

(ods Pop in @

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 1 |13
Third Secret:

From whom have you kept this?

al.—

Fourth Secret:
ii fee Ve Bs SB

From whom have you kept this?

ie [Rpm 2B wm

Fifth Secret:

POE 4

From whom have you kept this?

-

Se C- -k

Sixth Secret:

From whom have you kept this?

14 |Chapter 1 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

Seventh Secret:

a a a a se ee a ee a Be

From whom have you kept this?

Eighth Secret:

From whom have you kept this?

Ninth Secret:

From whom have you kept this?

Tenth Secret:

From whom have you kept this?

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 1 |15
The List of Excuses
Addicts create rationales for their behavior. Usually they state the rationales in terms of
deprivation (my spouse is not sexually responsive) or blame (my partner does not understand me).
Or they argue for their uniqueness; some special circumstance or situation causes them to do
what they do (| have extra pressures because I’m a surgeon, priest, teacher, lawyer). Whatever the
rationale, the list’s purpose is to help addicts come to terms with unhealthy behavior.
It is important at the outset to label these rationales as excuses. Only when we start
realizing we’re making excuses can we begin stripping away the layer of lies covering our behavior.
List in the space below the excuses for your behavior you have used over time. Frequently,
people will add to this list as they progress through the workbook. Note the date at which you
realized you were distorting reality so that you can see your progress.

Rationale Date Recognized

16 |Chapter 1 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

 Rationale Date Recognized

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 1 |17
Consequences Inventory
Most addicts have some expectation that everyone will overlook the damage caused by
what they do. Some become indignant when they do experience consequences— getting docked
or fired, bouncing checks, jail.
Consequences, however, are sign posts to reality. Addicts receive them because the
world does not share their thought distortion. Lies, broken promises, and exploitive behavior will
eventually cost, and cost dearly. In these ways addicts discover that their denial is the beginning
of a grief process. In other words, the losses begin mounting, and the addict tries to stave off the
moment of truth by clinging to denial. But ultimately that moment arrives and disaster is at hand.
Addicts find it extremely useful to do a complete inventory of their consequences. All
addicts who have experienced out-of-control sexual behavior, used sex to cope with stress, or
acted out sexually have had consequences due to their behavior. You have had “consequences,”
too. Sadly, people sometimes don’t call what has happened to them consequences, or they use
their sexual behavior as a way to avoid having to feel or to admit what has happened. Though
it is difficult to face the “wreckage of our past,” as Alcoholics Anonymous puts it, an honest
assessment of your consequences will dramatically improve your recovery.
Look realistically at the consequences of your behavior in each of the categories below. Put
a check in the box by each of the ones that you have experienced.

Emotional Consequences
LJ 1. Thoughts or feelings about committing suicide
LJ 2. Attempted suicide
U) 3. Homicidal thoughts or feelings
ta 4. Feelings of hopelessness and despair
ae 5, Failed efforts to control your sexual behavior
BI 6. Feeling like you had two different lives—one public and one secret
U) 7. Depression, paranoia, or fear of going insane
LJ 8. Loss of touch with reality
GE 9. Loss of self-esteem
10. Loss of life goals
ne 1. Acting against your own values and beliefs
12. Strong feelings of guilt and shame
13. Strong feelings of isolation and loneliness
WY 14. Strong fears about the future
15. Emotional exhaustion
LJ 16. Other emotional consequences:

18 |Chapter 1 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

Physical Consequences
1. Continuation of addictive behavior despite the risk to health
U) 2. Extreme weight loss or gain
lr 3. Physical problems (ulcers, high blood pressure, etc.)
Fa or Physical injury or abuse by others
L) 5. Involvement in potentially abusive or dangerous situations
OW 6. Vehicle accidents (automobile, motorcycle, bicycle)
I = 7. Injury to yourself from your sexual behavior
a 8. Sleep disturbances (not enough sleep, too much sleep)
a9. Physical exhaustion
LJ 10. Other physical consequences related to your sexual behavior such as venereal disease,
HIV/AIDS, bleeding, etc.

Spiritual Consequences
1 1. Feelings of spiritual emptiness
Bs. Feeling disconnected from yourself and the world
U) 3. Feeling abandoned by God or your Higher Power
U) 4. Anger at your Higher Power or God
U) 5. Loss of faith in anything spiritual
L} 6. Other spiritual consequences

Consequences Related to Family

i 1. Risking the loss of partner or spouse
a 2. Loss of partner or spouse
Ei 3. Increase in marital or relationship problems
U4. Jeopardizing the well-being of your family
as. Loss of family’s or partner’s respect
6. Increase in problems with your children
Li 7. Estrangement from your family of origin
CL} 8. Other family or partnership consequences

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 1 |19
Career and Educational Consequences

~S . Decrease in work productivity

. Demotion at work
ice). Loss of co-workers’ respect
. Loss of the opportunity to work in the career of your choice
. Failing grades in school
. Loss of educational opportunities
. Loss of business
See
. Forced
2S
zy)
<@>)
=X)
oe) to change careers
. Not working to your level of capability
. Termination of job
=©© . Other career or educational consequences
cS

Other Consequences
ve . Loss of important friendships
. Loss of interest in hobbies or activities
. Few or no friends who don’t participate in or condone your sexual behavior
. Financial problems
. Illegal activities (arrests or near-arrests)
. Court or legal involvement
. Lawsuits
. Prison or workhouse
. Stealing or embezzling to support behavior
ok
oa
Se
oOo
Coe INS). Other consequences
SO)
toy)
py
~N)
(09)
(co),
Sy
oe

You will need to refer to this inventory later in this book. In addition, it would be of great
benefit to you to talk about it with your therapist or sponsor for later work.
This is the tough part. Often addicts will feel that consequences are unfair. Remember that
no one promised you justice and fairness. You have to deal with what is real. You may have lived
with the illusion that others will respond to perceived inequities or will be sympathetic because of all
the good you have done or how hard you have tried. None of that will help you now.
The people who gave you the consequences are not your enemies. By seeing those who
give the consequences as the enemy, you keep yourself stuck in justifying your behavior. The real
problem is your denial and your capacity for self-delusion. You are responsible for making yourself
vulnerable to them. When you chose your behavior, you opened the door to consequences. You

20 |Chapter 1 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

 iS
have to ask whether the risk was worth it. And if you can do this, you’ve already made significant
progress toward recovery.
What helps at this point is to see your consequences as your teachers. You have been sent
a lesson to learn. If you don’t learn the lesson this time, it will manifest itself again, and probably in
a more painful form next time.

Denial Det cece fate 2m fiarny

To deny something is to say it is not true, to say “no” to it, or to prevent it from happening.
Denial, of course, can be an honest, straightforward disagreement or refusal. When coupled with
out-of-control sexual behavior, however, denial becomes a potent and powerful, though often
destructive, way of protecting oneself from discovery —and from help.
For addicts, denial is a confused kind of thinking and reasoning used to avoid the reality
of behavior or the consequences of behavior. It is a way to try to manage and explain the chaos
caused by addictive behavior. It is an effort to protect sexual behavior that addicts believe they
can’t live without. It is a way to deflect attention and responsibility. Here are some examples:

= |t was only once in awhile. at 7 :

= No one was hurt because no one knows. Vi a , 2 eee
=» |had to get my needs met somewhere. Le , a ro
= She started it, so why is she upset?
# Weare all adults. Za
= | am just being a man (or woman). 4 y chem uf
# = |f you think I’m bad, you should see so-and-so. it a ie
= My situation is different. ja ;swans ia
j uf

Denial Exercise ee
This exercise will help you look at the role denial is playing in your life. List all of the reasons you
believed—or still believe—you don’t belong in therapy or a group for your sexual behavior and
acting out.

I/\. et Ail ee We =
af é fi
3 | Wes Wd ra yAee J 6755 rid . e 7M aaaot Ge tek~—

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 1 |21
 There are many kinds of denial. A few of the primary categories are listed below. Beneath
each of them is room for you to write your own examples of each type.

Global Thinking.
Attempting to justify why something is not a problem and using terms like “always, never,” “no
66 ” 6

problem whatsoever.”

Rationalization.
Justifying unacceptable behavior. “| don’t have a problem—|’m just sexually liberated.” “You people
are such prudes!” “You're crazy.”

Minimizing.
Trying to make behavior or consequences seem smaller and less important than they are. “Only a
little.” “Only once in awhile.” “It is no big deal.”

22 |Chapter 1 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

 Comparison.
Shifting the focus to someone else to justify behaviors. “I’m not as bad as (fill in the blank)."

Uniqueness.
Thinking you are different or special. “My situation is different.” “| was hurt more.” “That's fine for
you, but I’m too busy to go to group right now.”

De by creating an uproar or distraction.

~—~ Being a clown and getting everyone laughing; angry outbursts meant to frighten; threats and
posturing; shocking behavior that may be sexual.

=— Avoiding by omission.
Avoiding by omission—trying to change the subject, ignore the subject, or manipulate the
conversation to avoid talking about something. It is also leaving out important bits of information
like the fact that a lover is sixteen years old, or that the person is your friend’s partner.

Blaming.
“Well, you would cruise all night, too, if you had my job.” “If my wife/nusband/partner weren't so
cold, | wouldn’t have to have an affair.” “I can’t help it—the baby cries day and night and makes me
nervous.”

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 1 |23
Intellectualizing.
Avoiding feelings and responsibility by thinking or by asking why. Explaining everything. Getting lost
in detail and storytelling. Pretending superior intellect and using intelligence as a weapon.

Hopelessness/helplessness.
“?’m_a victim, | can’t help it.” “There is nothing | can do to get better.” “I’m the worst.”

Manipulative behavior.
Usually involves some distortion of reality including the use of power, lies, secrets, or guilt to
exploit others.

Compartmentalizing.
Separating your life into compartments in which you do things that you keep separate from other
parts of your life.

Crazymaking.
When confronted by others who do share your perception, telling them they are totally wrong.
Acting indignantly toward them is an attempt to make them feel crazy by telling them, in a sense,
that they cannot trust their own perceptions.

Seduction.
Using charm, humor, good looks, or helpfulness to gain sexual access and cover up insincerity.

24 |Chapter 1 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

There Really is No Excuse
Most addicts discover there really is no excuse for their behavior. It is not easy to be honest
with oneself, much less to be honest with the rest of the world. But staying in denial and staying
dishonest guarantees staying in old, destructive patterns of behavior.

Accountability
When you begin to accept responsibility for your behaviors and their consequences, you
will get a glimmer of what life in recovery can be. You know all too well that denial creates constant
anxiety. Trying to remember the lies you have told, and to whom you have told them, is an ongoing
source of stress. The good news is that honesty and accountability bring peace and freedom, a
feeling of serenity that comes from integrity.
In denial, you say you did not hurt anybody; accountability is facing the fact that you hurt
others. For example, if we act out with compulsive masturbation, we might not recognize any dam-
age to others. Yet if we are sexually unavailable to our partner, So preoccupied that the kids are
neglected, and sneak off during work time, the impact and the damage are very real.

Powerless or Pointless
In addiction recovery, we talk about powerlessness. Because of your addiction, you have
been unable to stop your behavior on your own. That is why you have asked for help. Despite the
fact that you are powerless, you are still responsible and accountable for what you have done.
The concept of accountability is central to the Twelve Step process. Accepting your ac-
countability helos you to break through denial and admit the extent of the problem.
In the space that follows, list as many examples as possible of people who were hurt by
your behavior and in what ways they were hurt. Make your examples as concrete as possible.
You need to know that this task is one of the hardest in recovery. Though it will be painful,
it is not about punishing yourself; it is about facing reality and leaving denial behind. So be gentle
with yourself, but also be thorough.
,) o re via i oe / —_— " A
3 4 J ~ “

is ar A Cegre 2 a Pstilett G7 a bo. "Cr = SS fF wnre-ctoo

ty

A Dig RT.

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 1 |25
 4. ; Bnew lle 653g VE'S /o 5 Pay one (emt ane

10.

If you are like most addicts, you are starting to realize how far from reality you have
been living. To reassure yourself that you are not alone, we have included comments from other
addicts describing what this phase was like for them. As you read, note how reality inserted itself
in their lives.

# Ending up in a massage parlour when | promised myself | wouldn't.

~# Not being able to refuse sex with women—felt no right to say no.
# Unable to honor marriage commitment.
# = |n high school | had sex with older women for money.
= = Sleeping with serial partners in one night.
= Out six nights a week to pick up or be picked up in bars.
~ ™ Took sexual risks with employees.
# Would masturbate in library and never study.
=» Attempted to start an affair with sister-in-law.

26 |Chapter 1 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

 Lost two close friends because | tried to seduce their wives.
Involvement with total strangers.
Exchanged sex for drugs.
Being sexual in public places like bars.
Masturbating in car despite accidents and near accidents.
Stole money to keep sexual relationship.
Accumulated heavy debt “to buy” person.
Whenever | was alone, | felt compelled to be sexual.
Arrested for lewd behavior.
Every time | went shopping | felt compelled to go to restroom for sex.
Involved in more than one intense relationship at once.
Many anonymous partners.
Could not form friendships/only find sex partners.
Hitchhiking at night hoping to have sex.
Went to a pornographic bookstore after getting negative HIV test.
Exhibiting self while driving (woman).
Could not practice safe sex even when trying hard to do so.
Sex with married men.
Calling a guy who tortured me—went over and had sex with him.
Dangerous situation with strangers.
At age 14, already had multiple lovers in daytime.
Stole woman’s clothes for cross-dressing.
Masturbating on porch in the middle of the night, nude.
Sex on a passenger train with a stranger.
Took risks with pimps and prostitutes.
Sexualizing clients on the job.
Brought men home in the middle of the day when children were there.
Slept with circle of one man’s friends to stay close to him.
Waking up with strangers.
Could not say no to husband’s suggestion of wife swapping.
Physician masturbated me during examination and | could not say no.

So you see, you are not alone. These are people who managed to change their lives dra-
matically. They started by admitting they needed help.

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 1 |27
Getting the Help You Need
After realizing that you have a problem—even though you may not want to call it an
addiction—there are two steps you must take:

You must start therapy.

You must join a Twelve Step program for sex addiction.

It is quite common at this stage to wonder if you are really an addict and need to go
through all this. The next two chapters will help you decide whether you are.
It’s also important to understand that if addiction is a problem in your life, these materials
will not help you recover if you use them in isolation. Because of the shame and guilt that addiction
involves, it’s tempting to think, “I'll just pick up the materials, do them at home, and talk to you
when I’m all better.” You must talk with people who have more experience in recovery than you. It
is the nature of denial to reassert itself when a person becomes isolated from others. Your ability
to recognize your addiction and its consequences in your life and in the lives of others increases
dramatically when you are with people who have struggled as you have. “Stick with the winners,”
urges Alcoholics Anonymous, meaning find people who have walked in the same shadows now
clouding your life and who are now standing in the light.
Therapists are trained to help people understand what is happening to them—you can get
an important perspective from them. What’s more, therapists are trained to guide you over time
and can help you through what can be a painful and bewildering process. If you already have a
therapist, he or she may have handed you this book. Your therapist will become one of your guides
for this process.
My experience in working with sex addicts has taught me what an addict has to do to heal
and find sustained recovery —and that is what this book offers you. | Know, too, that it doesn’t
happen overnight—the process takes three to five years.
Be aware that our research has shown that Twelve Step work and therapy are linked in an
essential way. While therapy accelerates the process and dramatically reduces the risk of relapse,
therapy alone is not enough. Likewise, you cannot rely solely on therapy. The Twelve Step process
is simply indispensable for recovery. Being in a community of supportive people who are also
recovering addicts seems to be absolutely key to recovery.
There are several ways you can find recovery groups. Start by looking in the Resources list
at the back of this book. Your therapist may also be able to connect you with a person who can
serve as a temporary sponsor. Your local medical or psychological information and referral services
may be of help. Also, look in the phone book. For a guide to fellowships at a national level that can
put you in touch with someone in your community check our web site at www.sexhelp.com. Once
you find a group, it takes a lot of courage to walk through those doors. But this is a path to the
kind of healing and wholeness you've looked for all your life.

28 |Chapter 1 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

Finding a Sponsor
One of the great traditions that has grown out of the Twelve Step movement is
sponsorship. A sponsor is another individual with more recovery experience whom we ask to
help us work through our own recovery and healing. We seek out someone who has what we
want—serenity, wisdom, humor—or who has walked a similar path. It’s perfectly all right to find
a temporary sponsor, someone who can help you understand the Twelve Step process and
language when you’re beginning recovery.
You may feel awkward asking someone to be your sponsor, especially when you are
new in the program. You may assume you are imposing on them and this may hold you back
from reaching out for help. Overcoming these negative assumptions becomes a way of nurturing
yourself, and it is a crucial first step in the road to recovery.
Start by sharing all that you know with your therapist and sponsor. Use the exercises in this
chapter to help you talk with them.
Finally, this workbook is based in part on two of my previous books, Out of the Shadows
and Don’t Call It Love. | encourage you to read the first chapters in each of them. They will give you
more understanding of the challenges of recovery—and the gifts yet to be revealed.
By reading this chapter, you’ve taken a significant step. Breaking free from denial is one of
the hardest steps we addicts take. If you need to take a break or nurture yourself in some way
(eating in a nice restaurant, enjoying a hot bath, going for a walk on a beautiful evening), give that
to yourself. And know that the strength you need to continue will be given to you.

Chapter 1 |29
Facing the Shadow Siarting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
CUA AESio tie
Sw) oP, fe ~<
;
oe ”Ae Ae
OR Ge
7 .
 Chapter 2 What is an Addiction?
Understanding Addictive Behavior

Masturbation is the one great habit that is a primary addiction. The other addictions, for alcohol,
morphine, tobacco, etc., only enter in to life as substitute and replacement for it.
—Sigmund Freud

WE HAVE COME A LONG WAY since Freud first speculated about sex addiction. But
progress has not been easy. There was a period in the 1930s and the 1940s when alcoholics and
drug addicts were seen as untreatable. Compulsive gamblers were, at best, objects of curiosity
and more often deemed people without character. Perverts and gluttons were perceived to have a
moral problem, if they were talked about at all.
Today we understand that addiction is an illness—a very serious disease. Furthermore,
problems such as drug, food, gambling, and sex addiction are actually related and rely on similar
physical processes. Most important, we know that people can get help and that a good prognosis
exists. Sex addiction is the last addiction to be understood.
When | wrote Out of the Shadows in 19838, the definition used at the time described
addiction as a “pathological relationship with a mood-altering experience.” People who grew up
in difficult family situations learned not to trust. As adults, they searched for something to trust
and rely on to relieve the pervasive unease they felt. Since alcohol, sex, food, and risk always do
what they promise, at least temporarily, they often became the answer. Thus, the “pathological
relationship” begins.
For sex addicts, sex becomes the priority for which they sacrifice everything. They put sex
before their children, spouses, and friends, despite great cost to themselves. Just as an alcoholic
has an affair with the bottle, the sex addict’s relationship is with sex and romance. Distorted
fantasies and satiating behaviors that are obsessive to the point of physical harm are used in an
attempt to resolve the addict’s desolate loneliness. Addiction can be viewed then, as an intimacy
disorder. As you go through this workbook you will see how distorted relationships lie at the center
of the addiction process.
Addiction also has a physiological component. In the mid-1970s, scientists started to
understand that addiction reflected a problem in the brain. When they were lonely, stressed,
or depressed, addicts would access key neural pathways in the brain through mood-altering
chemicals or behaviors. They would feel better temporarily. The addiction “solution” works through
continuous stimulation. Pleasure could obliterate pain, numb loneliness, and help diminish shame.

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 2 |31
When behaviors become repetitive, we call them compulsive. Compulsion is the core of the
addictive process and it relies on these neural pathways in the brain.
It’s important that you understand how these neural pathways work and affect your
addiction. You will learn more about this intricate chemical process in Chapter 7.
The stimulation for the neural pathways comes from what | call the addictive system,
and understanding addiction as a repetitive system will help you identify what in your life needs
to change.

The Addiction Cycle

It was always the same for Jim. He would get this feeling in his stomach, scary but
exhilarating—and sexually arousing. He had a lot to do at work, but for a little time no one would
know where he was. He would drive around past massage parlors and strip joints, trying to decide
if he would do it or not. He would stare at attractive women and become more aroused. He
decided to stop at a nude bar that served sandwiches. He watched the women strip.
When he left, a decision had been made. No cruising or looking now. Definite in his
purpose, he drove to a neighborhood massage parlor. Afterward he felt like he always did—sad,
defective, and ashamed. He asked himself why he did this when he knew that it always ended like
this. Worse, he had taken much more time than he thought, so now he faced problems at work,
and was forced to invent lies to cover up where he had been.
Kathy had a similar problem. She was a “romance junkie” who discovered the Internet. She
was married but had an affair going even on the day of her wedding. During 13 years of marriage
she had never been without one or two lovers, with numerous “flirtations” on the side.
She went to a therapist who told her she was a sex addict. She was furious because it was
so clear to her that she had married the wrong man and was now trapped. Then she discovered
the Internet and was captivated by chat rooms and their intrigue.
Pretending to work at her computer, she would wait until her husband was asleep, and
then go online. Even the sound of the modem connecting was arousing. She would set a goal of
being in bed by 11:00, but that seldom happened. Some nights it was 5:00 in the morning before
she dragged herself away. She told herself it would be only computer sex, but eventually it became
phone sex, and then hotel sex. Every new relationship added more complications. She suffered
extreme fatigue. Her ability to perform at work diminished. Professionally, she felt like she was
barely treading water. It just kept getting worse. If she could only stay within the limits she set for
herself. But she couldn't.
Kathy and Jim are caught in a repetitive cycle. We call this the addiction cycle. It starts off
with preoccupation, which involves obsessing about being sexual or romantic. All humans have
fantasies and sexual thoughts, and that is a wonderful part of being human. For Kathy and Jim,

32 |Chapter 2 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

however, fantasy became an obsession that serves in some way to avoid life. Used consistently,
obsession sets the stage for loss of control.
These obsessions are intensified through the use of ritual. Jim first cruises and then goes to
a strip show to heighten his arousal until he is beyond the point of saying no. Similarly, Kathy has
a predictable set of actions she takes to “warm up,” including starting her computer and engaging
people in chats. Ritualization helps to put further distance between reality and sexual obsession.
Rituals are a way to induce trance and further separate oneself from reality. The goal is to reduce
the ability to say “stop.”
The next phase of the cycle is sexual compulsivity, the “acting out” phase of the cycle.
When therapists use the words acting out, they mean that the tensions addicts feel are reduced by
acting on their sexual feelings. They feel better for the moment, thanks to the release that occurs.
Compulsivity simply means that addicts regularly get to the point where sex becomes inevitable, no
matter what the circumstances or the consequences. Thus, very smart, grown-up people end up
doing things others would see as immoral or foolish.
Almost immediately reality sets in. Addicts for a moment will see the significance of their
behavior and feel ashamed. This point of the cycle is a painful place where they have been many
times. Usually the cycle has brought them to a point where they have been many times. The last
time they were at this low point, they probably promised themselves they would never do it again.
Yet once again, they act out, and that leads to despair. For many addicts, this dark emotion brings
on depression or a chronic feeling of hopelessness. For others, it results in an aversion to sex
(sexual anorexia). In other words, sex becomes the enemy—until the next time. One easy way to
cure feelings of despair is to start obsessing again. The cycle then perpetuates itself.

The Addictive System

The addiction cycle is embedded in a larger addictive system which starts with a belief
system. The belief system is a collection of convictions, myths, and values that affect the decisions
we make. Beliefs about men, women, spouses and marriage, and sex are usually part of this
internal paradigm. If you believe that “women always leave” or “men always lie” it will skew how
you look at relationships. You will not trust in your primary relationship. For example, Kathy did not
believe she could leave her husband, but she also could not share how unhappy she was or the
dangerous risks she was taking.
At the core of this belief system are ideas you hold to be true about yourself. For the sex
addict they are:

=» |am basically a bad, unworthy person.

=# Noone would love me as | am.
= My needs are never going to be met if |have to depend on others.
=» Sex is my most important need.

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 2 |33
 Basically, there is an internal logic that flows like this: Because | am unworthy, no one would
love me if they really knew what | was like on the inside. Consequently, my needs are never going
to be met if | have to tell the truth about who | am. Given that sex is my most important need, | will
never be able to depend on another person who really knows me to get it. This logic is a recipe for
desperation and disaster. Sex becomes an end in itself.

The Addictive System

Belief System
a <
Unmanageability Impaired Thinking

Preoccupation

a
Despair Ritualization

Sexual Compulsivity

Figure 2.1

Out of this situation flows the kind of delusional thinking we explored in the first chapter.
This impaired thinking allows the addictive cycle to flourish. It essentially distorts reality or even
blocks your awareness of what is going on around you. Just think of times when you ignored a key
reality such as a deadline at work or financial limits. For example, Jim’s pressing obligations at work
were pushed out of his consciousness by his obsession.
The addictive cycle becomes the driving force in the addict's life. Bad things start to happen.
We call this unmanageability. Consequences start to occur. Because the addict is out of control—
and also out of touch with reality—the problems compound. Lies, covering up, and inventing ways
to keep the losses at bay do not stop the accumulation. Sooner or later, their life becomes a mess.
Addicts find themselves despairing about how complex, stressful, or awful their lives have become.

34 |Chapter 2 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

The feelings of despair confirm their dysfunctional beliefs about being an unlovable person. Thus,
the system perpetuates itself. Figure 2.1 is a graphic map of how the system looks.
Unfortunately, most addicts do not understand until they accept that their lives have gotten
so bad that they simply cannot go on. In the statements below, addicts tell how they knew they
could not go on living as they’d been. Review the list on pages 26 and 27 and then make one of
your own, listing times when you started to understand that you could not continue your behaviors.

People were lying for me at work to cover for my absences.

Lost a job for taking sexual liberties with a customer.
Had a crisis with the promiscuity of my daughter who, at age fifteen, was doing exactly
what | did.
Lost our family business.
Had two pregnancies in two years, giving up both children for adoption.
Rejected by roommates several times because of sexual behavior.
Realized that my exhaustion from sexual cruising was seriously affecting my work.
Realized | lost three marriages all because of affairs.
Became suicidal because of multiple intense involvement.
Was being sexual with my therapist and two of my graduate professors at the same
time.
Was kicked out of bars for being publicly sexual.
Had to drop out of school because | couldn’t concentrate due to obsessive fantasies.
Spent money on sex when | needed it for my children’s clothes.
Didn’t know which man was the father of my child.
Stayed in my marriage despite destructive sex.
Went to porn movies during work time.
Crossed professional boundaries with my patients.
Got herpes and gave it to my spouse.
Had no girlfriends due to stealing their boyfriends.
Lost promotion opportunities and a scholarship because coworkers discovered
my sex life.
Constantly late for work or too tired to work.
Stayed out all night and slept all day despite kids to care for.
Lost whole weekends in bed with multiple partners.

List of Unmanageable Moments and When | Realized | Could Not Continue

1: ( Ps al lta ss Ce. Pa us" Zand “2

oe Ee bier Cu. aa ae

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 2 |35
 » g) ;

Gove
SE
©.
GO
Oo

=,
ee
Poe
PO
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emweshy

—k =

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—k o

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36 |Chapter 2 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

Your Addictive Cycle
Below is Figure 2.2, a graphic representation of the addictive cycle. Each phase of the
cycle has a place for you to record examples of your cycle. Provide as many examples as you Can:
A
: caervs facet
Preoccupation ie he +:
L
Example yay Seed ee MAC 72
Cet. 4 ri ‘ Ie Ow

/ 6 8 ee — a7 whe

Despair Ritualization

Example: 4 Ae ~y et Ip Example: “He » >. Z

fe? Sorc & (CAME We --ee 7

Sexual Compulsivity

Ae» 2 Cz ZT. fhe

ER eee er ee Pe

Figure 2.2

Diagram Your Own Addictive System

Some people have found it helpful to take a large piece of paper and diagram their addic-
tive system. Take each component —beliefs, thinking, addiction cycle, and unmanageability—and
map out what happens in your addiction. Talk to your therapist, sponsor, and support groups.
Sometimes it simply helps to have the big picture.

, <i {

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 2 |37
Sexual Anorexia—The Mirror of Sex Addiction
Systems often work just as well in reverse. | collect old outboard motors built in the days
before clutches and transmissions. These engines shifted into reverse simply by spinning the motor
in the opposite direction.
This image of a boat motor as a system capable of spinning in both directions can be
used to help understand another sexual disorder called sexual anorexia. Sexual anorexics have an
aversion to being sexual. As a beginner in recovery from sex addiction, you may well wonder what
on earth this has to do with you. The answer is that many sex addicts have an aversion problem
too, and they will not become healthy until they understand this. Many addicts also switch to
sexual anorexia, mistaking sexual inactivity for recovery. But by trying to avoid sex completely, they
only make themselves vulnerable to relaose. Recovering addicts must understand the dynamics of
aversion from the start.
The sexually anorexic simply avoids sex. They hate all things connected with sex. In its
most pure form, it means that the anorexic will go to extreme lengths to avoid being sexual.
Consider the story of Stan who, at the age of 38, was suicidal due to his loneliness and
isolation. He had never touched a woman, held hands, kissed, or dated. Further, he never wanted
to. He came from a family with an alcoholic mother who was sexually out of control. His father
had killed himself at the discovery of yet another affair by his mother. After his dad’s death when
Stan was 12, most of Stan’s teenage years were filled with embarrassment at his mother’s sexual
escapades. He also had to fend off her sexual initiatives with him to the point where he actually had
to forcibly take her hands off of him on different occasions. She argued that she had friends who
were sexual with their sons and it was good for them. As an adult, he perceived sex as the source
of all his pain and refused to allow himself to have sexual feelings. As a result, he found himself
isolated and fearful.
Anorexics like Stan have common characteristics:

= dread of sexual pleasure

= fear of sexual contact
® despair after sexual contact
=™ obsessive vigilance about sexual matters
® avoidance of anything connected with sex
=™ preoccupation with other people being sexual
= distortions about personal body appearance
# extreme loathing of body functions
=" obsessional self-doubt about sexual adequacy
=» excessive fear of sexually transmitted diseases

38 |Chapter 2 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

 ® rigid judgmental attitudes
® self-destructive behavior to limit, stop, or avoid sex

The sexually anorexic system works the same way the addictive system works. It starts
with unhealthy beliefs about sex and relationships. The same core beliefs exist about feeling
defective, unworthy, and unlovable as a person. Anorexics also believe that sex is dangerous and
are terrified of their own sexual needs. Out of these dysfunctional beliefs stem impaired thinking.
To think, for example, that “everyone will take sexual advantage of me if | let them” is a major
distortion of reality. Yet anorexics use many such distortions to keep sex at a distance. Similar
compulsive cycles also exist, only the anorexic is preoccupied and obsessed with avoiding sex.
Likewise, anorexics go through elaborate rituals, or distancing strategies, to avoid bringing sexual
attention to themselves. Some, for example, go to extreme lengths to look unattractive and are
then compulsively nonsexual or aversive. Then, they despair about this. The unmanageability
is often harder to see than in sex addiction. Yet to lose a marriage because of being sexually
unavailable to your partner is still to lose a marriage. To sexual anorexics, Such events merely
confirm their original premise of being unlovable. Figure 2.3 compares the addictive system and
the anorexic system.

Sexual Anorexia and Sexual Addiction Compared

Belief System Belief System

ioe ~ fe ™
Unmanageability Impaired Thinking | Unmanageability Impaired Thinking

| Addiction Cycle
~ Addiction Cycle

Preoccupation Preoccupation

Despair Distance Strategies Despair Ritualization

Sexual Aversion Sexual Compulsivity

Anorexia Addiction
<< __———_- a

Figure 2.3

Chapter 2 |39
Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
Belief System
Many sex addicts are also sexually aversive. The following are examples of ways
aversion fits with sex addiction:

=» When sex addicts act outside of their relationship easily but find themselves avoiding
sex with their partner. (Many anorexics find it difficult to be sexual with people they really
care for or are vulnerable to.)
=» When addicts binge and then go through a period in which they avoid all sex. (Addicts
feel so bad about the binge, they “diet.”)
=» When addicts compartmentalize their lives so that one part is out of control while the
other is under “super” control. (Think of a clergyman who preaches against promiscuity
and pornography, yet in private, his life is out of control sexually.)
# When long periods of acting out are followed by long periods of sexual deprivation, the
addiction has simply switched to the anorexic mode.
m When sex addiction and anorexia switch with other addictions. (An example would be
a sex addict, who is also a food anorexic, who gets married and then begins to overeat
compulsively and becomes sexually anorexic.)
=» When the use of one addiction switches sexual behavior from addictive to anorexic.
(For example, the sexual abuse survivor and alcoholic who is compulsively sexual when
she drinks but compulsively nonsexual when sober.)

There are many patterns in sex addiction and sexual anorexia. Seventy-two percent of
addicts can identify some degree of binge-purge behavior in their sexuality. Fifteen percent do
addiction and anorexia simultaneously. Some people are so driven by both patterns that they
will mutilate, harm, or destroy their own genitals as a way to stop living in these extremes. Many
addicts say they have considered some form of permanent self-harm as a solution. It is crucial to
understand the aversive as well as the addictive part of yourself.
The contradictory combination of addiction and aversion is a potent, often overwhelming
affliction, especially because it causes extreme shame and guilt on both ends of the spectrum. |
would reassure you that there is hope. Many people, once having faced the conflicting demons in
their life, use the tools outlined in this book to find hope and healing.

40 |Chapter 2 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

Sexual Anorexia List
You may still think this situation does not apply to you. Do the following exercises and see if
it starts to make more sense to you.
List five examples of times you have become aversive to sex. Think of times when you
have avoided sexual contact, felt sexual self-hatred, or have entered into a period of extreme
deprivation.

Describe three examples of ways your sex addiction and sexual anorexia go together.
/ i
f
J Ke ee A a ~— ca S$ 4C__ Cen Cz2S2@ sss
Feely Wy
i.

DS a Se

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 2 |41
 How Do Professionals Know When Addiction Is Present?
llnesses have a pattern of symptoms professionals can recognize. With all addictions, a
screening test or assessment instrument can usually indicate that more indepth searching for a
pattern is necessary.
Your counselor may have given you a SAST (Sexual Addiction Screening Test). There are
different versions of the SAST, including one for men, one for women, and one for gay men. These
instruments have been used tens of thousands of times and are proven to separate sex addicts
from non-sex addicts. If you have scored high in one of these tests, your therapist then probably
did a series of interviews using specific criteria to discern addictive patterns. When addiction is
present, the following criteria are easily identified:

Vs Recurrent failure (pattern) to resist impulses to engage in specific sexual behavior.

2 Frequent engaging in those behaviors to a greater extent or over a longer period of time
than intended.
. Persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to stop, reduce, or control those behaviors.
. Inordinate amount of time spent in obtaining sex, being sexual, or recovering from
sexual experience.
. Preoccupation with the behavior or preparatory activities.
. Frequent engaging in the behavior when expected to fulfill occupational, academic,
domestic, or social obligations.
. Continuation of the behavior despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent
social, financial, psychological, or physical problem that is caused or exacerbated by
the behavior.
. Need to increase the intensity, frequency, number, or risk of behaviors to achieve
the desired effect, or diminished effect with continued behaviors at the same level of
intensity, frequency, number, or risk.
. Giving up or limiting social, occupational, or recreational activities because of
the behavior.

42 |Chapter 2 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

 10. Distress, anxiety, restlessness, or irritability if unable to engage in the behavior.

Research shows that if at least three of these criteria are met, addiction is present. Follow-
up studies indicate that after a period of recovery (as their awareness grows), addicts themselves
can identify five of the criteria in their behaviors, with many acknowledging up to seven of them.
Similar criteria exist for sexual anorexia:

1. Recurrent pattern of resistance or aversion to any sexual activity, initiative, or behavior

2. Persistent aversion to sexual contact even though it is self-destructive or harmful
to relationships.
3. Extreme efforts to avoid sexual contact or attention, including self-mutilation, distortions
of body appearance or apparel, and aversive behavior.
4. Rigid, judgmental attitudes toward personal sexuality and sexuality of others.
5. Extreme shame and self-loathing about sexual experiences, body perceptions, and
sexual attributes.
6. Sexual aversion affects work, hobbies, friends, family, and primary relationship.
7. Preoccupation and obsession with avoiding sexual contact and with sexual intentions
of others.
8. Despair about sexual adequacy and functioning.
9. Avoiding intimacy and relationships because of fear of sexual contact.
10. Distress, anxiety, restlessness, or irritability because of sexual contact or potential
sexual contact.

Again, our research shows that early in recovery, meeting as few as three of the criteria
can mean that compulsive behavior exists. For our purposes we also can look at signs that binge-
purge conditions exist. Here are criteria that professionals use.

. Pleasure or relief at time of sexual acting out, but experience despair after.
. Periods of time where all sexual interest and behavior cease.
. Apattern of bingeing followed by periods of being compulsively nonsexual.
—
WN. Sexually excessive in some areas and simultaneously compulsively nonsexual
in others.
On . Take extreme measures such as self-mutilation as an attempt to disrupt acting
out cycle.
6. Other family members who are sexually addicted.
7. Other family members who are sexually anorexic.
8. My significant other is a sex addict.
9. My significant other is sexually anorexic.
0. | and my significant other have sexual binge-purge patterns.

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 2 |43
 The following pages contain worksheets that will help you explore these criteria in
greater depth so you can see for yourself how you fit them. It’s important that you review them
in a Supportive atmosphere with a therapist or professional team, your Support group, and your
sponsor. It will help you to understand the strength of your addictive system—and whether sexual
anorexia has any part in your acting out.
Remember that all addicts struggle with impaired thinking. If in doubt, ask others in your
group or your therapist for help about whether certain criteria fit or not.

Sexual Addiction Criteria

Each of the addiction criteria is listed below, along with suggestions and examples to help
you. Record whether you think your sexual patterns fit the criteria by circling “yes” or “no.” For
those that you mark “yes,” use the space underneath to provide examples showing why you think
the criterion fits. Mark your total at the bottom. We will discuss what your total may mean after you
finish the exercise.

Yes No 1. Recurrent failure (pattern) to resist impulses to engage in specific sexual

behavior.

Ljbis “Ot BIL IS 2 Gog 4 re =

tes) No 2. Frequent engaging in those behaviors to a greater extent or over a longer period
of time than intended.
Cuore zg SO — ?) Pend ton oe ert S

(ete s A. 7
\
) : :
Yes“ No 3. Persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to stop, reduce, or control those
behaviors.

(‘es > No 4. Inordinate amount of time spent in obtaining sex, being sexual, or recovering
. from sexual experience.

44 |Chapter 2 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

es? No 5. Preoccupation with the behavior or preparatory activities.
f

byl?

Crnec Fr+gs=

|as No 6. Frequent engaging in the behavior when expected to fulfill occupational,

i academic, domestic, or social obligations.

(ad ei Fa We

Less
_——

(Yes ) No 7. Continuation of the behavior despite knowledge of having a persistent or

recurrent social, financial, psychological, or physical problem that is caused or
exacerbated by the behavior.

efeNn

Yes (No)) 8. Need to increase the intensity, frequency, number, or risk of behaviors to achieve
the desired effect, or diminished effect with continued behaviors at the same
level of intensity, frequency, number, or risk.

eyes? No 9. Giving up or limiting social, occupational, or recreational activities because of

the behavior.

Yes No 10. Distress, anxiety, restlessness, or irritability if unable to engage in the behavior.

ge SeeJ,

Total: of

Chapter 2 |45
Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 Each of the sexual anorexia criteria is listed below along with suggestions and examples to
help you. Record whether you think your sexual patterns fit the criteria by circling “yes” or “no.” For
those that you mark “yes,” use the space underneath to provide examples showing why you think
the criterion fits. Mark your total on the bottom. | will discuss what your total can signify after the
exercises.

Yes (No) 1. Recurrent pattern of resistance or aversion to any sexual activity, initiative,
or behavior.

9 aN

Yes No, 2. Persistent aversion to sexual contact even though It is self-destructive or harmful
to relationships.

Yes Ko 3. Extreme efforts to avoid sexual contact or attention including self-mutilation,

f /

distortions of body appearance or apparel, and aversion behavior.

Yes No ) 4. Rigid, judgmental attitudes towards personal sexuality and sexuality of others.

Yes \ No 5. Extreme shame and self-loathing about sexual experiences, body perceptions,
and sexual attributes.

Yes ‘Aro) 6. Sexual aversion affects work, hobbies, friends, family, and primary relationship.

46 |Chapter 2 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

Yes AX 7. Preoccupation and obsession with avoiding sexual contact and with sexual
intentions of others.

Yes No -) 8. Despair about sexual adequacy and functioning.

XK oo

Yes (No) 9. Avoiding intimacy and relationships out of fear of sexual contact.

Yes (ps 10. Distress, anxiety, restlessness, or irritability because of sexual contact or potential
a, sexual contact.

Total: /

Binge-Purge Criteria
The following binge-purge criteria include both family characteristics as well as personal
patterns. Record whether you think your sexual patterns fit the criterion by circling “yes” or “no”
next to each. For those that you mark “yes,” use the space underneath to provide examples
showing why you think the criterium fits. Mark your total on the bottom.

és ) No 1. | feel pleasure or relief at the time of sexual acting out, but experience
despair after.
32 fome os iy dea Cr € fl

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 2 |47
@ Neer
ee | have periods of time where all sexual interest and behavior ceases.

a ihe Cuts

Yes GE | have a pattern of bingeing followed by periods of being compulsively nonsexual.

Yes (N6) 4, | am sexually excessive in some areas and simultaneously compulsively

nonsexual in others.

Yes
or | take extreme measures such as self-mutilation as an attempt to disrupt acting
out cycle.

Yes | have other family members who are sexually addicted.

Yes | have other family members who are sexually anorexic.

Yes (No) 8. My significant other is a sex addict.

48 |Chapter 2 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

 Yes ES 9. My significant other is sexually anorexic.

vs
Yes (Np 10. | and my significant other have sexual binge-purge patterns.

=
Total: neat

If you answered “yes” to three or more of the criteria for any category in the above
exercises, this suggests you probably are struggling with that issue.
Take a deep breath. Though it can be frightening to realize you have a serious problem,
many addicts find it very helpful and relieving to finally have a name for what’s been bothering them
for so long. Remember, this is the beginning of a healing process that will work for you.

How Did | Get This Way?

By this time it must be clear to you whether or not you have a problem. Typical questions
emerge with the realization that you do have a problem. First, you wonder how this happened to
you. Following is a brief explanation (see Appendix D on page 333 for other sources of information
on the origins of addiction).

# Addicts typically inherit a genetic structure which predisposes them to addictions in

general. Scientists believe there is a problem with the way an addict's brain processes
neurochemicals such as dopamine or serotonin (often associated with pleasure, pain,
and relief in the brain). There may actually be a problem with the way the synapses fire
in the brain or how connections are made. Regardless of the reason, we do know part
of the problem is genetic.
= Often addicts come from families in which other members suffer from addictions.
Parents, siblings, and extended family members will have types of addictive and
compulsive behaviors. This increases the probability of actually acquiring addictive
behaviors through modeling, family dysfunction, and child abuse —all of which can also
activate a predisposed nature.
® One of the primary failures that plays a role in making an addict is the inability to sustain
intimacy. There is fundamental failure to trust others enough to bond with them. Ad-
diction in many ways is about the failure to bond, wnich is why we consider it as an
intimacy disorder.

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 2 |49
 =» Sex addicts’ families tend to be rigid and authoritarian—or at least some members
are. This results in a resistance to being accountable. Further, the presence of extreme
sexual negativity will likely intensify sexual obsession. For example, living in a religious
tradition that does not support healthy sexual attitudes can create obsessive thinking.
®# Childhood abuse is a factor for many, leading to extreme reactivity or hypersensitivity
to pain and emotional upset. Some sex addicts actually repeat abusive themes in their
sexual acting out.
= Depression frequently accompanies both sex addiction and sexual anorexia. Feelings of
despair intensify both addiction and anorexic obsessions.
= High stress situations such as medical school, business, or danger such as warfare can
create addicts when there were no other predisposing factors.
# Other addictions can also precipitate an addictive sexual pattern. Addictions can
actually migrate from one form to another.

It will take you some time to understand how you acquired your addiction. In order to start
making change, you simply have to start with the fact that you do have the problem. The upcoming
chapters will help to further your understanding.
Professionals look for twenty collateral indicators or accompanying signs that are usually
present for sex addicts as another way to confirm a diagnosis. Usually six or more are present in
most sex addicts. By reviewing them it also helps to better understand the factors that led to your
illness. This next section is designed to help you gain that perspective.

Collateral Indicators
Below are twenty collateral indicators that are often used to confirm the presence of sex
addiction. They are usually part of the profile of a sex addict. The purpose of this section is to list
how many fit your experience. Circle “yes” or “no” to indicate if the statements are true about you.
For those that you mark “yes,” use the space underneath to provide examples showing why you »:
think the criterion fits. Mark your total on the bottom. Remember that sex addicts typically have six
of the following:
Pon —,

(Yes) No 1. Ihave had severe consequences because of sexual behavior.

(Eas fo kw

‘, ,ae wis € ’

50 |Chapter 2 Facing the Shadow Siarting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

Yes ( No» 2. | have struggled with depression and it appears related to sexual acting out.

Yes (x9 3. | have struggled with depression and it appears related to sexual aversion.

aa

Yes ) No 4. Ihave a history of sexual abuse.

Pe eG

(axe Je =
7

Yes / No) 5. |have a history of physical abuse.

Yes (No. ’ 6. Ihave a history of emotional abuse.

(Yes No 7. |see my sexual life in self-medicating terms (intoxicating, tension-relief,

pain-relief, sleeping pills).

ves) No 8. Ihave persistently pursued high risk or self-destructive behavior.

Se . iggy oa | OY Lien

Facing the Shadow Slarting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 2 |51
Yes (ho) 9. | find high risk or self-destructive behavior is more arousing to me than safe
sexual behavior.

Yes Ac)10.1 have other coaddictions.

Yes (Ao)11. | simultaneously use sexual behavior in concert with other addictions
(gambling, eating disorders, substance abuse, alcoholism, compulsive spending)
to the extent that desired effect is not achieved without sexual activity and other
addiction present.

es) No 12. Ihave a history of deception around sexual behavior.

(es) No 13. Other members of my family are addicts.

(es) No 14. | often feel extreme self-loathing because of sexual behavior.

F
(Eeg-e 1s
hc: a™ oS \ Y B . Pox ~ e

Yes Qo 1 5. | have few intimate relationships that are not sexual.

52 |Chapter 2 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

 No 16. lamin crisis now because of sexual matters.
f
>
— Qe eeu Oe

ea

(Yes) No 17. Ihave a history of crisis around sexual matters.

Yes 8. | experience diminished pleasure now from the same sexual experiences.

ces)
\ a
No 19. I|come froma pe“rigid” Ey) family.
.

Vie BYE

Cex” No 20. | come from a “disengaged” family.

ae - = ee a. uf e/g

Is There Hope for Sex Addicts?

Do sex addicts ever really recover? That is the question | most frequently hear. The answer
is a definite “yes.” A way to understand this is to think of other chronic illnesses. Diabetes is a very
debilitating illness. However, if you learn how to eat appropriately, manage your weight, and watch
for signs of blood sugar problems, you can live and thrive.
Similarly, addicts can learn to live a happy, joyous, and free life as long as they maintain
the processes essential to recovery. They must learn to live in a recovery “zone” in which their
sexual behavior is healthy. This workbook is built on that proven premise. The last chapter of this
workbook provides more information about how this program works by creating an overview of the
steps successful recovering people have taken to live in the recovery zone.
Some people in early recovery find their problems are too overwhelming and see no hope.
They keep relapsing, or they become so hopeless and despairing that they consider suicide. Here
again, the problem is not hopeless. What these people often need is more support, such as an

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 2 |53
inpatient (residential), outpatient (nonresidential) program or, if they are already in therapy, a more
structured outpatient program with more frequent appointments and group therapy.

What’s Best for You: Outpatient or Inpatient Therapy?

Basically, you deal with the same issues in each setting, but either may be appropriate. A
residential program creates a more focused and supportive environment for developing skills for
success. You may benefit more if you can build that momentum in the community in which you
live through an outpatient program. But if the illness is too strong, residential treatment may be
appropriate.
Outpatient programs work best if the recovering person can stay relapse free, has very
strong family support, and is committed to the process.
The bottom line is that hope is connected to your courage. In order to change, you must
confront the denial and delusion of your addictive system. This can be very painful. Usually this
means that what you believed to be true does not turn out to be so.
Most addicts early in recovery felt resentful when they were confronted by others about
their behavior. They vigorously defended themselves, only to later find that they had seriously
misunderstood what was happening and how serious their situation was. They would protest to
therapists, rebel against sponsors, and distance themselves from other recovering people. It is
hard to face being out of control.
At a later point, we will talk in depth about what has to happen. For now it is important
to learn to have compassion for yourself. This is why we talk about the “gentle path” rather than
being hard on yourself. When someone is presenting reality to you, listen rather than spooling up to
defend yourself. Admit to the possibility that the other person might be right. People are not out to
get you, but rather love you and want to help you.
Remember that you are not alone. We live in a culture that supports addiction in many
forms. Notice how long it has taken to understand tobacco and nicotine as a problem. Or
gambling. There are still mental health professionals who do not believe in alcoholism. We are
constantly invited to exceed our limits with food, sex, work, money, and chemicals. Historically, we
have come a long way in our understanding of the nature of addiction. Living in this culture, it is
no wonder that you are confused about addictive sex. To further clarify this, we will look at specific
sexual behavior in the next chapter.

Reading Assignment
To prepare for the work of the next section, read Out of the Shadows, pages 23-61,
and Don't Call It Love, pages 39-72. If you found significant aversion problems, please read Sexual
Anorexia, pages 37-79.

54 |Chapter 2 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

 Chapter 3 What Are Your Behaviors?
Understanding Compulsive Sex

A man “who imputes his indisposition to his excessive devotedness to Venus requested
me to render him impotent, if |could not give him command of himself any other way.” o
—Benjamin Rush, 1812

WHEN THE FAMOUS RESEARCHER Alfred Kinsey was asked, “What is abnormal?” he
responded, “Anything you cannot do.” | have thought of that many times over the years because |
constantly encounter people who do things sexually that you might never imagine or expect. | say
to myself, | did not Know you could do that. And then | meet five other people who have done the
unthinkable. One of my biggest revelations about sex is that people are extraordinarily diverse in
their sexual behavior.
The problem is that sex is not talked about much so most people are unaware of the
diversity and intensity of human sexual behavior. This is our culture’s big secret and it has
several effects:

= People feel great shame about what they do because they do not know how common
their behavior is; they think they are abnormal.
=» There has been a societal delay in understanding what constitutes healthy or unhealthy
sexual behavior.
# Most important, it has been difficult to understand those whose sexual compulsion is
the core of an addictive process.

In this chapter, we will focus on helping you understand the range of sexual behavior and
see that you are not alone in your behavior.
The quote that starts this chapter comes from Benjamin Rush, commonly regarded as
one of the grandfathers of modern psychiatry. Even in the early nineteenth century, he noticed that
some people experienced problematic sexual behavior. The quote was taken from a case in which
aman was so distraught over his sexual situation that castration would have been a relief. Most of
us who work with sex addicts have heard that sentiment often. A few of us have had patients who
actually castrated themselves out of desperation. Recently a colleague of mine treated a patient
who used a shotgun to destroy his genitals. Such anguish goes beyond tragic.

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 3 |55
 By the twentieth century, professionals had developed a list of paraphilias
—extreme
or unusual behaviors regarded as “perverted” in the sense that they are either illegal or very
dysfunctional. Pedophilia, exhibitionism, and voyeurism are commonly recognized paraphilias.
Basically paraphilia happens when a person focuses on a specific aspect or practice of sex such
as coprophilia (aroused by feces); a body part such as axillism (aroused by arm pits); or age
such as ephebephilia (aroused only by adolescents). This is a changing list that reflects society's
acceptance of behavior. For example, homosexuality was at one time listed as a problematic
behavior but is now no longer identified as a mental health problem.
Understanding social conventions is part of the issue. For example, a man who exhibits
himself and is aroused by that exposure runs the risk of arrest. A woman who exposes herself on
the highway to passing motorists and finds it pleasurable is also an exhibitionist but has a low risk
of arrest—or of being designated with a paraphilia.
Further, to define people by their unconventional sexual preferences or acts totally misses
the mark. Many sex addicts do things that are problematic for them that are quite conventional.
Consider a man whose sexual compulsion within his marriage is so great that his wife locks herself
in the family car at night in her desperation to avoid his advances. Intercourse with your spouse is
normal and expected in a loving relationship. To demand sex so many times a day your partner has
to elude you is a problem.
By far the biggest issue we must address is that sex addicts will blend unconventional and
normal behaviors in a pattern. The exhibitionist who goes to a massage parlor so that a woman
looks at him in the nude may change the context so there is less likelinood of being arrested. But
the scenario of exposing himself may continue. The shoe salesman who has a foot fetish may also
have a problem with compulsive affairs in which he may or may not be interested in the women’s
feet. Some sex addicts have distinct compartments of their lives in which their behaviors are very
different. A man may arrange elaborate threesomes when he’s drunk. When he uses cocaine,
however, he will cross dress and masturbate for 15 to 20 hours if undisturbed.
Addicts need to understand their patterns. First, they need to look at which sexual
behaviors for them have a pattern of causing problems. Second, they must notice when there has
been a loss of control, such as failed efforts to stop, or continuation despite consequences, or
knowing something will be bad and doing it anyway.
Usually, most addicts notice that they have more than one pattern. Think of types of sex as
modules. If one activity cannot be done, you substitute another. We call this modularity. To switch
from exhibitionism to prostitution is just switching the venue.
Most addicts also have a hierarchy of preference. A man goes to a hotel while traveling.
He gets into his room and checks out the Yellow Pages to find an escort or massage service. The
pages have been already torn out so he goes down to the hotel lounge to see if there are any
prostitutes working the hotel. There is no one there.

56 |Chapter 3 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

He then may scan to see if there are lonely women who could be picked up. He can find no one
so he returns to his room and attempts to view adult movies, but this hotel offers none. He opens
up his laptop to view pornography on the web but for some reason he cannot get online. So he
returns to the lobby and buys a Penthouse or Playboy. He returns to his room and masturbates.
He spends the evening working the alternatives until he can find some sexual outlet. Knowing what
your modules are and what their hierarchy is becomes incredibly important to successful recovery.

The Ten Types

From 1985 to 1991, | followed the recoveries of over a 1,000 sex addicts. During that time,
they were asked to complete an extensive inventory of their sexual behavior. Initially, 114 behaviors
were identified; currently the figure is close to 200.
Through a statistical technique called a factor analysis, we discovered that these behaviors
clustered into distinct types and each category had a set of issues that were important to
understand. The following is an overview of the ten types we found.

1. Fantasy Sex—Sexually charged fantasies, relationships, and situations. Arousal

depends on sexual possibility.
2. Seductive Role Sex—Seduction of partners. Arousal is based on conquest and
diminishes rapidly after initial contact.
3. Voyeuristic Sex—Visual arousal. The use of visual stimulation to escape into
obsessive trance.
4. Exhibitionistic Sex — Attracting attention to body or sexual parts of the body. Sexual
arousal stems from reaction of viewer whether shock or interest.
5. Paying for Sex—purchase of sexual services. Arousal is connected to payment for sex
and with time the arousal actually becomes connected to money itself.
6. Trading Sex—Selling or bartering sex for power. Arousal is based on gaining control of
others by using sex as leverage.
7. Intrusive Sex— Boundary violation without discovery. Sexual arousal occurs by
violating boundaries with no repercussions.
8. Anonymous Sex—High-risk sex with unknown persons. Arousal involves no seduction
or cost and is immediate.
9. Pain Exchange Sex—Being humiliated or hurt as part of sexual arousal; or sadistic
hurting or degrading another sexually, or both.
10. Exploitive Sex— Exploitation of the vulnerable. Arousal patterns are based on
target “types” of vulnerability.

In the following pages we will help you review your sexual behaviors to see what patterns emerge.
Be aware that your behaviors may appear in more than one type; in fact. many addicts fit into

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 3 |57
multiple types. Becoming aware of potential multiple addictions becomes very important in working
a relapse-free recovery. It will also bring you a step closer to understanding the issues at the core
of sexual acting out.
In the following pages, you will be asked to check the following indicators. In the “history”
column, check those behaviors that are part of your sexual history. In the “problem” column, check
behaviors that have caused you distress, regret, or negative consequences. In the “loss of control”
column, check an item if you have made efforts to control that behavior or if you Knew it was bad
for you but you did it anyway. Some items will have checks in each column. Some users of this
workbook may have therapists who have access to a software program that will compare your
answers to those of other sex addicts and will arrange it in a format for you and your therapist to
review. If so, use the program for this section of the workbook.
It is entirely possible that you'll find only a few items that are problematic, but which
are nevertheless destructive. Also it is possible to have no distinct type or pattern emerge. For
example, if compulsive masturbation is what you do, you can still be incapacitated by It even
though you do not use other behaviors compulsively. Many addicts find that they actually have a
profile in a number of different types.

Fantasy Sex—Sexually Charged Fantasies, Relationships, and Situations

= Arousal depends on sexual possibility.

=# Obsession and preoccupation is a way to prolong the feeling.
=# Obsession can be heightened by masturbation, supercharged relationships, and
sexualized environments.
=# Observing or “spying” adds to obsessive life as does “acting out” the fantasy.
= Orgasm or even sexual contact may destroy the obsession; it is best when on the
verge of being sexual.
# While direct sexual contact with others is avoided, sexual contact with self may
be very compulsive, e.g., visiting fantasy web sites and masturbating.

Although a wide variety of behaviors characterize the fantasy sex addict, the most common
include chronic and compulsive masturbation that may or may not involve pornography. For the
fantasy sex addict, the mental imagery is the pornography that fuels acting out. Feelings that
accompany these obsessive fantasies often include such myths as “in order to be loved | must be
sexual” or “sex and love are one in the same.”
Fe

These individuals often feel anxious and depressed, and use sex as a way to medicate
those feelings. Neglecting responsibilities in order to engage in fantasy or prepare for the next
sexual episode is common among fantasy sex addicts.

58 |Chapter 3 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

 History Problem Loss of Control

Thinking or obsessing about sex

Fantasizing about past or future sexual experiences

pea nae oo
Spending a large amount of time preparing for a
sexual episode

/ sie rae Neglecting responsibilities and commitments in

order to prepare for your next sexual episode

Thinking that sex is love

Thinking that your “special” sexual needs make

you different from others

Thinking that the next time things will be different

a wae _
Feeling a need to be sexual in order to feel good
about yourself
—_— ; A Sa
Denying or suppressing your sexuality and sexual
feelings for periods of time

Rationalizing or denying consequences of your

sexual addiction

Thinking deluded thoughts

pa ——s —_—
Having sex even though you didn’t really want to or
feel like it

mee a aes ms Feeling depressed, hopeless, or unworthy following

a sexual encounter

ve aa — Feeling desperate or anxious between periods of

sexual acting out

Maintaining an open calendar and failing to make

commitments because you fear missing an
opportunity to be sexual

Seeking sexual fantasy stories in books

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 3 |59
 History Problem Loss of Control

Using online fantasy web sites

Acting on a fantasy which turned out not to be true

Seductive Role Sex—Seduction of Partners

= Arousal is based on conquest and diminishes rapidly after initial contact.

=» Arousal can also be a function of power and the maintenance of power as in sexual
harassment or multiple families.
=# Arousal can be heightened by increasing risk and/or number of partners.
= Use sexuality to gain control over others.
= Often have many relationships at the same time or a series of Successive relationships.
= Often have extramarital affairs and hustles in singles clubs, health clubs, or bars.
= Often flirtatious with others and believe that seducing victims gives power over them.
=» Using instant messaging, emails, and chat rooms to discover and cultivate
potential partners.

History Problem Loss of Control

Thinking that if you are sexual with someone, you

will have them in your pOwer

Feeling that you have to follow through with sex

because you successfully hooked someone
through your ritual

Using sex as a means to find love

Coie — oa Having many relationships at the same time

Having rapid, successive relationships

Having affairs outside your primary relationship

Using sexual seduction to gain power over

another person

Hustling in singles clubs, bars, or health clubs

i a es Using flirtatious or seductive behavior to gain

attention of other

60 |Chapter 3 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

 History Problem Loss of Control

Finding sex partners over whom you have control

Or more power (as in money, age, or vulnerability)

Using chat rooms, instant messaging, or web sites

to find partners

Cruising online services on or offline

Seducing people who work for you

Being sexual with professional clients (attorneys,

physicians, therapists, etc.)

Voyeurism—Visual Arousal
The use of visual stimulation to escape into an obsessive trance.

# Arousal may be heightened by masturbation, risk (e.g., peeping), or violation of

boundaries (e.g., voyeuristic rape), but in order for arousal to be maintained it is illicit
somehow and must be visual.
= Orgasm may or may not be part of the pattern.
=® Behaviors for the voyeur include viewing sexually explicit videos and photographs, strip/
peep shows, patronizing adult bookstores, and watching people through their house
windows (both with or without binoculars).
# Often maintain a collection of pornography in various places (work, car, home) to
always have a “stash” available.
=» Using computers, discs, or jump drives to hide downloaded material.

It is also important to note that voyeurs often sexualize material that is not necessarily
sexual. For example, magazines, advertisements, and catalogs that are not sexual in nature
become pornography to the voyeur.

History Problem Loss of Control

ad a he Masturbating yourself

Masturbating to the point of physical injury

or infection

Looking at sexually explicit magazines

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 3 |61
 History Problem Loss of Control

Keeping sexually explicit material or magazines at

home or at work

Watching sexually explicit video tapes

Patronizing adult book stores

Watching strip or peep shows

Sexualizing people or materials that are not

sexually explicit

Watching people through windows of their houses

or apartments

Using binoculars or telescopes to watch people

Hiding in secret places in order to watch or listen

to people

Sexualizing others that you observe in

public places

Maintaining a collection of pornographic materials

Using online voyeur sites

Observing others online such as webcam, nudist,

or strip web sites

Accessing sites with cameras watching others

62 |Chapter 3 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

Exhibitionism—Attracting Attention to Body or Sexual Parts of the Body
Sexual arousal stems from the reaction of the viewer, whether with shock or interest. Often
this attention seeking pushes cultural norms or violates social conventions and laws.

Orgasm may or may not be important.

Often expose themselves from a car or within a public area such as a park, street, or
school yard.
May pretend that they did not intend for others to notice them (exposing self by choice
of clothing, dressing/undressing in public areas, or from within their own home).
However, others masturbate in their cars or in public places such as movie theaters,
tanning salons, or dressing rooms with the hopes of another noticing their sexual
behavior.
Use of Internet to expose self in real time such as on web cams or posting pictures on
specialty web sites.

History Problem Loss of Control

Exposing yourself from a car

Exposing yourself in public places such as parks,

streets, or school yards

Exposing yourself from home

Exposing yourself by being sexual or dressing/

undressing in public or Semipublic places

Masturbating in cars

Masturbating in public places such as movie

theaters, tanning salons, or store dressing rooms

Masturbating or exposing yourself on live web

cams or on sites that post explicit pictures

Sending photos of self to people who did not ask

for them such as in an email or web site link

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 3 |63
Paying for Sex—Purchase of Sexual Services
Arousal is connected to payment for sex and, with time, the arousal actually becomes
connected to money itself. Payment creates an entitlement and a sense of power over meeting
needs, but the arousal starts with “having money” and the search for someone in the “business.”

= Actual sexual activities can be very diverse, but this common scenario exists in most
cases: (1) having means; (2) search; (3) payment; (4) preferred acting out (often a
replication of childhood scenario); (5) extreme shame.
= Often profoundly unable to protect or take care of themselves.
m May involve seeking out a prostitute. It can also include patronizing massage parlors,
escort services, and lounges in order to find sexual favors.
s May call pornography lines, use personal ads to find sex partners, and spend money
on someone in order to receive sexual favors.

History Problem Loss of Control

Patronizing Saunas, massage parlors, or

explicit clubs

Paying someone for sexual activity

Using an escort or phone service

Using the personal columns to find sex partners

Paying for sexually explicit phone calls

Spending money on someone in order to have sex

Using online services to find escorts or prostitutes

Paying to take pictures of nudity or sexual acts

Arranging to financially support someone in

exchange for sex

Giving extraordinary gifts to gain sexual access

64 |Chapter 3 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

Trading Sex—Selling or Bartering Sex for Power
Arousal is based on gaining control of others by using sex as leverage.

Prostitution, in this sense, is not about the financially desperate, but rather about the
addicts’ hook on the rush of high risk and power.
Mutual sex can be unrewarding.
Use currencies seldom acknowledged by the culture.
Often make sexually explicit photographs and videotapes in which they may or may not
be the subject.
Receive money, services, or other goods in exchange for their sexual activity.
Often swap partners, encourage a partner to have sex outside their relationship, or join
sex clubs and nudist camps to find sexual partners.
Often preoccupied with body image and will often “accessorize" their bodies with
tattoos, and piercing.
The swinger ads in magazines and newspapers often serve the trading addicts’
addiction.

History Problem Loss of Control

| Making sexually explicit video tapes

Taking sexually explicit photographs

Receiving money in exchange for sexual activity

Receiving drugs in exchange for sexual activity

Pimping others for sexual activity

Swapping partners

Urging your partner to have sex with persons

outside your relationship

Belonging to a nudist club to find sex partners

Exposing yourself from stage or for hire

Exposing yourself for home videos or photographs

Being sexual because someone spent money on you

Placing and answering ads in swinger magazines

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 3 |65
 History Problem Loss of Control

Participating explicit web sites

Producing or owning a pornographic or

sex-related site

Performing, modeling, or being a subject of a

sex-related site

Intrusive Sex—Boundary Violation without Discovery

=™ Sexual arousal occurs by violating boundaries with no repercussions.

=# The high is about violation with orgasm being the secondary goal.
= Arousal related to having sexual contact often without permission or knowledge of
victim and no accountability for behavior.
= Intrusive addicts are “sex thieves.”
=» Often sexualize conversations with inappropriate people (acquaintances or children) and
at inappropriate times (work, social settings)
=# = Sexual acting out includes making inappropriate sexual advances or gestures toward
another and would encompass issues such as sexual harassment.
= Often use explicit sexual phone lines and may place sexually harassing phone calls.
a Will often sexually touch others and pretend it was accidental.

History Problem Loss of Control

J Participating in phone sexual activity

Asking strangers or acquaintances inappropriate

personal details about their sex lives

Touching or fondling people inappropriately

Telling sexually explicit stories or using sexually

explicit language at inappropriate times or places

Bringing sex or sexualized humor into

conversations

66 |Chapter 3 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

 History Problem Loss of Control

Making inappropriate sexual phone calls

Making inappropriate sexual advances or gestures

toward others

Touching people but acting as if it were an

accident

Using chat rooms to make inappropriate or out-of-

context sexual remarks

Intruding in others’ computers without their

knowledge for sexual arousal

Watching others’ online activities for sexual arousal

Anonymous Sex—High-Risk Sex with Unknown Persons

= Arousal involves no seduction or cost and is immediate.

™ Arousal has no entanglements or obligations associated with it and is often accelerated
by unsafe or high-risk environments such as bars, beaches, parks, and rest rooms.
# Seek ultimate objectification by engaging with unknown partners, which may include
regular partners or one-night stands.
# Spend a great deal of time cruising beaches, parks, parking lots, or bath houses to find
anonymous sexual partner.
= Often sexualizes others in showers, locker rooms, or public restrooms and may expose
themselves in these places.
# Using the Internet for risky or anonymous encounters

History Problem Loss of Control

Having one night stands

Engaging in sex with anonymous partners

Cruising beaches, parks, parking lots, or baths

Exposing yourself in showers, locker rooms, or

public restrooms

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 3 |67
 History Problem Loss of Control

Sexualizing others in health clubs, locker rooms,

restrooms, or showers

Meeting people online for anonymous sex

Having sex with people whose only identity is a

screen name

Traveling to meet someone met online who is

unknown with sexual intent

Pain Exchange Sex

Being humiliated or hurt as part of sexual arousal; or sadisticly hurting or degrading
another sexually, or both.
Arousal is fused with pain, degradation, or both.
Often arousal is built around specific scenarios or narratives of humiliation and shame.
Orgasm and pleasure are elusive or may not even occur without pain or violence.
The trigger for arousal is fear or reenactment of fearful situations. This arousal can be
achieved by watching others hurt or be hurt as part of sex. This category also includes
masochistic activities whereby the addict is self-inflicting pain or extreme fear in order to
heighten sexual arousal (e.g., autoeroticism).
Addicts in this category vary the ways they may cause or receive pain, fear, or
humiliation. They may use sexual aides (vibrators, other objects) that are painful during
masturbation or intercourse. Taking the passive role is also categorized in this area
because the role involves giving up power and being willfully victimized in some way.
Using chemicals to enhance sexual arousal is common with the pain exchange addict,
particularly those who use inhalants to heighten erotic feeling.

History Problem Loss of Control

Dramatizing a particular role as part of your

ritualizing behavior

Masturbating with objects

Willingly giving up power or acting out the victim

role in your sexual activity

68 |Chapter 3 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

 History Problem Loss of Control

Cross-dressing

Using sexual aids to enhance your

sexual experience

Engaging in sex with animals

Using drugs to enhance your sexual experience

Receiving physical harm or pain during your sexual

activity to intensify your sexual pleasure

Causing physical harm or pain to your sex partner

during sexual activity to intensify your sexual
experience

Masturbating with mechanical or electrical devices

Seeking humiliating or degrading experiences as

part of sex

Using web sites that specialize in bondage and

pain

Seeking web sites that involve humiliation

or degradation

Focusing on internet sites that focus on the

abnormal, bizarre, and painful

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 3 |69
Exploitive Sex—Exploitation of the Vulnerable
Arousal patterns are based on target “types” of vulnerability: Clients/patients of
professionals, children, adolescents, or distressed persons become the focus of
arousal.
In cases of professional misconduct, perpetrators will become very aroused when the
patient shares emotional pain.
For street sex offenders, arousal may occur when they see a potential victim in a
distressed situation.
Arousal may occur in the “grooming” process of building trust in a potential victim.
The boundary violations are explicit if not always illegal.
Often seek other high-risk situations. Exploitive sex addicts cross the boundaries of
their victims by forcing sexual activity, administering drugs or alcohol to their victims, or
using their position of power. They may also share inappropriate sexual information with
children or view child pornography.

History Problem Loss of Control

Watching or looking at child pornography

Forcing sexual activity on a child outside

your family

Forcing sexual activity on a spouse or partner

Forcing sexual activity on a person whom

you know

Forcing sexual activity on a person you do

not know

Engaging in sexual activity with a consenting minor

Exposing children to your sexual activity

Sharing inappropriate sexual information

with children

Using a power position to exploit or be sexual

with another person

Administering drugs to another person in order to

force sexual activity

70 |Chapter 3 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

 History Problem Loss of Control

Using alcohol to take sexual advantage

Using the Internet as a way to “find” vulnerable

people or children

Cruising chat rooms for someone to cultivate for

exploitative purposes

Sexual History
This section will help you to identify key events or factors in your sexual history. Please
answer the following questions by giving the approximate age and the specific event that was part
of your sexual development.

Key childhood sexual experiences up to age 10 (strong memories; traumatic events; events that
evoke strong feelings; child abuse by parents or other adults).

Key adolescent sexual experiences up to age 18 (sexual experimentation; masturbation; onset of

menstruation; sexual abuse by family member or other adults; fantasy life; other).

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 3 |71
Key young adult experiences up to age 25 (dating; same- sex relationships; marriage;
divorce; other).

Apne MONE Oe ae PE ge Zoos LM le Ml

LEIs c et SES ir sy (OG A PLEA bt

Key adult experiences up to present (include current sexual patterns).

pe yA Zind oR Ze fae re Lats

What has been the impact of any or all of the following on your sexual development?

How have family attitudes about sex affected your sexual development?
Ly /,4

How has the influence of religion affected your sexual develooment?

AC M7

72 |Chapter 3 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

 How has your ethnic or cultural heritage impacted your sexual development?

ae ANTE WRN Yet NPSL gre, Mites uo ea tocol

How has your work or career impacted your sexual development?

if fy
Bupah

Courtship Gone Awry

Implicit in most compulsive sexual patterns is a distortion of normal courtship. For example,
it is very normal even for children to play “I'll show you mine if you show me yours.” It is normal to
be curious about your partner’s body and pleasurable to have your body examined. As you grow
up you learn how to handle that part of getting to Know someone appropriately. Exhibitionists and
voyeurs, however, have become stuck in this one part of courtship. They have become so focused
on this phase that it becomes more pleasurable than the rest of the courtship. In other words,
courtship has gone awry.
Consider the case of Carrie. Emotionally and physically abused, she was sexually abused
by her father, who fondled her regularly until she was 14. At one point she got pregnant and her
parents forced her into an abortion. Her mother had the doctor place the fetus next to Carrie’s
head after the surgery so she would “learn a lesson.” As an adult, Carrie found it very difficult to
allow herself to be sexual with a man that she cared for. She was always very anxious and fearful if
the relationship mattered at all. However, when she was with men who were “slime” and for whom
she did not care, she could be sexual with abandon. She also was intensively sexual with herself.
She would masturbate whenever she got anxious.
It was a tremendous relief to her when she finally understood that being abused created
a disordered sense of courtship, and prevented her from being sexual with a man who really
mattered. Her father mattered and yet he had betrayed her. A further legacy of the betrayal was
that men who did not matter and were unreliable were attractive.

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 3 |73
 One problem is that there is no systematic and reliable way in our culture to learn the
basics of courtship. You probably never attended a course that taught you how to appropriately
and successfully flirt. Courtship failure can mean that you start repetitive patterns because what
you do does not work. So it is important to learn the basic elements of courtship. There are twelve
components to courtship. They are as follows:
Noticing —This is the ability to notice attractive traits in others. With an existing partner this
means the ability to stay conscious of the desirable traits in that partner. This dimension requires
the capacity to filter out traits that, while desirable, are not a good match for you. In other words,
noticing also means to be discriminating.
Attraction
— This is the ability to feel attraction toward others and imagine acting on those
feelings. This dimension assumes a functional arousal “map” in which you select behaviors and
persons appropriate for you. Attraction involves curiosity as well as desire about the physical,
emotional, and intellectual traits of others. In an existing relationship it means the ability to
maintain an openness to change and the unknown. In reality-based relationships, partners keep
“discovering” the other. Attraction is where passion starts and how relationships endure.
Flirtation—Everyone needs to know how to flirt. Successful flirting uses playfulness,
seductiveness, and social cues to send signals of interest and attraction to the desirable person.
This ability extends to noticing and accurately reading flirtation from others. The critical factor in
flirtation is Knowing when it is appropriate to send and receive. Success in long-term relationships
requires an ongoing flirtation with your partner.
Demonstration—Sometimes inaccurately described as “showing off,” this is where one
demonstrates “prowess”
— either a physical trait, skill, or capability. Sexually, this is the classic “1
will show you mine and you show me yours.” There is in fact a pleasure or eroticism in having a
potential partner show interest in your sexuality. Behaviors here include demonstrating a skill such
as in an athletic ability, dressing to attract the other person, or doing specific sex-related actions
to further the partner’s interest. It is important to be aware of what you’re doing and that you are
being appropriate to the context and to the person.
Romance
— This is the ability to experience, express, and receive passion. Romance
assumes the ability to be aware of all the feelings of attraction, vulnerability, and risk. More
important, a lover must be able to express them and have sufficient self-worth to accept the
expressions of care from a lover as true. Included in romance is the ability to test the reality of the
feelings. Is what is perceived in the other person accurate, or merely a projection of what you want
to exist? Are the people selected consistently positive or bad choices for you?
Individuation
— In the midst of the romance, healthy persons are able to be true to
themselves. They feel absolutely free to be who they are. They feel no fear of disapproval or control
by the other. They tell the truth and do not feel intimidated. They do not have to give on important
matters. They can ask needs to be met and they do not have to defer to the other. They trust that
people care for them as they are.

74 |Chapter 3 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

 Intimacy —As the exhilaration of early passion subsides, partners enter the “attachment”
phase where the relationship deepens in its meaning and integrity. This requires profound
vulnerability that is ongoing and more difficult than the exhilaration of discovery during early
romance. This is the “being known fully and staying anyway” part of relationships.
Touching
— Physical touch requires trust, care, and judgment. Touching affirms the other
but is respectful of timing, situation, and boundaries. Touching without permission or sexualizing
touch betrays trust. While touch can be seductive and misleading, it can also be extraordinarily
healing. In adults who were not touched or who were otherwise neglected as children, touch
deprivation can be very extreme. People deprived of touch will go against their judgment and their
needs simply to be touched.
Foreplay— Sometimes referred to as the most important part of sexual contact, it is the
expression of sexual passion without genital intercourse. Holding, fondling, kissing, and sexual play
build sexual tension and are erotic and pleasurable. As a stage it includes the verbal expression
of passion and meaning. In repeated surveys, most people say it is the best part of sex. It is often
skipped over in our culture because of time pressure and stress.
Intercourse
— More than the exchange of body fluids, this is the ability to surrender
oneself to passion, to let go and trust yourself and your partner to be vulnerable. While extremely
pleasurable, intercourse is also an indicator of how you are able to give up control. To give oneself
over to passion requires a true abandonment of how things are supposed to turn out. Many people
limit themselves or fail in orgasm simply because of problems with trust and control.
Commitment— Commitment is the ability to bond or attach to another. Some describe
addiction as the failure to bond or to lack the capacity to form a deep, meaningful relationship. If
someone matters enough, you honor the relationship by your fidelity to it. Many addicts refer to the
“black hole” they are searching to fill. This is itt—being bonded in meaningful relationships, including
nonsexual ones. If you grew up in a family in which you learned not to count on others, you look for
what you can count on. Alcohol, sex, drugs, and high risk always do what they promise, but this
“oathological” relationship with a mood-altering behavior does not fill that void.
Renewal-—The capacity must exist to sustain all the above dimensions in an existing
relationship. To be married does not mean you stop flirting or expressing passion. There is a
difference between being attached to someone out of habit and being devoted because of
the meaning that has evolved in your journey together. Successful couples continue courtship,
continue to show the other they are a worthy partner, continue to make efforts to attract their mate,
and continue to express the value they have for each other. If a relationship is not working, partners
take responsibility to change it. If the relationship is not tenable, they leave.

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 3 |75
 Courtship and the Ten Types
Think again about the Ten types you just examined. Each type in some way reveals a
problem in courtship. We will review each type of sex addict and each component of courtship so
you can see where courtship has failed for you—and where you can work to peleit. It is important

| uggle wi | ecause ed the ships

‘he eerie your behavior tee an important clue about where your intimacy
problems lie. We will start with the courtship problems in each type.
Fantasy Sex—These people notice attractive traits in others and feel attracted, but they
do not move beyond it. There is safety in staying in the fantasy world as opposed to acting on
the fantasy. Romance and sex can flourish when there is no reality testing. They also can become
obsessional. Masturbation to fantasies is how we learn about our own desire. When masturbation
becomes compulsive, we make it a way to escape our loneliness. It is about fear of rejection, fear
of reality, and reduction of anxiety. It can also be self-indulgent in the sense of seeking comfort as
opposed to risking relationship. Hic vresuern SNE Bai Otten crs ne
~ of acting out are simply too complicated, too risky, or too muc
disassociate from reality including relationships.
Voyeurism— Voyeurs are also nonparticipants in the sex game. They move beyond fantasy
to search out sexual objects in the real world. It is normal to enjoy looking at others sexually. When
that means looking at people who do not know they are being viewed it becomes a problem.
When it involves compulsive pornography use it becomes isolating. Voyeurs also venture into
flirtation. Sitting in a strip bar and having someone do a table dance is to focus on another’s sexual
demonstration behavior without doing anything yourself. To put it in childhood terms, “you show
me yours and |’ll watch.” Usually voyeurism means objectifying the other person—this is not a
personal relationship.
Exhibitionism— Exhibitionism is the “I will show you mine” part. It is pleasurable and
normal to have others notice you sexually. With a partner, it is a significant part of sex play. Some
addicts focus only on being noticed and have difficulty moving beyond this point. Eroticism for
them is being looked at. For some it is the power of realizing they have captured the other’s
attention. For some, it is forcing their sexuality on the other, which is angry and aggressive. From a
relationship perspective it is introducing yourself in an inappropriate way. It is seeking attention from
others with no intent of going further, which is merely to tease. Sometimes it is about the pleasure
of breaking the rules. In either case, when exhibitionism is obsessional and compulsive, it is a
significant distortion of normal courtship.
Seductive Role Sex—Here relationships are about power and conquest. Flirtation,
performance, and romance are the erotic keys for sex addicts in this category. They are hooked on
falling in love and winning the attention of the other. Often once they have done so, sexual interest

76 |Chapter 3 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

subsides. While they can quickly gain the confidence of others and can be intimate in the early-
discovery romantic stage, establishing a deeper relationship eludes them. They are on the hunt
for another. People in thi : VANINOL Di onl so they have
hemselves,
people. Theyt
ly with differen have
Ri inttrernenrerrencc. Often they fear abandonment, so having more than one relationship
is a way to PS the hurt of a break-up that they are sure they will receive. crippled
They are in —
; ing bonds 1 enduring relationships.

Trading Sex—Some sex workers actually do form some attachment for their clients,
but typically bartering sex for money is devoid of relationship. The goal is to simulate flirtation,
demonstration, and romance. What actually happens in most cases is a replication of childhood
sexual abuse in which the child gained power in a risky game of being sexual with the caregiver. If
a prostitute is a sex addict, he or she has found sex more pleasurable with clients than in personal
relationships and is “hooked on the life.” This represents a significant distortion of normal courtship.
Often the money is a sign of having been successful at the sexual “game” and then the client can
be disregarded except as a repeat customer. Forging significant, enduring bonds or being true to
yourself is not part of the bargain.
Intrusive Sex— People who do intrusive sex, such as touching others in crowds or making
obscene calls, are really perverting the touching and foreplay dimensions of courtship. In most
cases, they are using others for sexual arousal with little chance of being caught. Their behavior
represents both intimacy failure and individuation difficulties. In their behavior, they do not see
themselves as predatory although they are. An implicit anger exists because they do this “stealing”
of sex. They believe no one would respond as they would really like to. Their goal is to take sex
without the other’s knowledge. They become quite expert in their subterfuge. For example,
professionals such as physicians, clergy, or attorneys will look quite compassionate when in fact
they use their clients’ vulnerability for their own arousal. Stolen intrusion becomes the obsession.
Ongoing relationship life suffers because of their secret shame.
Paying for Sex—Here sex addicts are willing participants in simulated intimacy. They
are focused, however, on the touching, foreplay, and intercourse dimensions without the hassle
of relationship. Frequently, they tell themselves that they resort to prostitution because of their
partner’s inadequacies. Compulsive prostitution is a larger problem, but it does in fact reflect
relationship failure. Often times, the failure is connected to sex addicts’ inability to communicate
feelings to their partners or to be willing to work on their own attractiveness behaviors. For some,
sex is intimacy—or as close as they will allow themselves to be. Frequently, sexual anorexia is
present in that it is difficult to be aroused in the presence of someone whom you care about.
Commitment to and renewal of relationships are profoundly undermined by the secret life of this
behavior.

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter3 |77
 Anonymous Sex—By definition, this sexual behavior is not about relationship. You do not
have to attract, seduce, trick, or even pay for sex. It simply is sex. Ironically, the sexual anorexia
counterpart is often present, too, along with its associated loneliness and isolation. Frequently for
sex addicts, part of the high is the risk of unknown persons and situations. In part, that stems from
early sexual relationships that were fearful. Having to experience fear in order for arousal or sexual
initiation to work fundamentally distorts the courtship process. The safety of an enduring bond is
never there to allow the deeper, profound risks of being known by another.
Pain Exchange Sex— People who compulsively take part in painful, degrading, or
dangerous sexual practices such as “blood sports” (creating wounds which bleed as part of sex)
or asphyxiation often have significant distortions of courtship. Touching, foreplay, and intercourse
become subordinated to some dramatic story line that usually is a reenactment of a childhood
abuse experience. For a woman to be aroused only if a man is hurting her is a distortion of sexual
and relationship health. Enduring relationships are difficult to build given arousal scenarios that are
embedded in high-risk sex.
Exploitive Sex—To exploit the vulnerable clearly is distorted courtship. Sex offenders who
rape have deep problems with intimacy and anger. Less obvious are nonviolent predators who
seduce children or exhibit professional sexual misconduct with clients. In the workplace where
a differential of power exists, employees can be exploited. When arousal is dependent on the
vulnerability of another in order to be attractive, there is a significant courtship problem all along
the courtship continuum. Addicts in this category will use “grooming” behavior, carefully building
the trust of the unsuspecting victim. So attraction, flirtation, demonstration, romance, and intimacy
are all used to gain the confidence of the person for sexual exploitation. Addicts will go so far as to
profess an enduring bond, though they have only a much more malevolent intent.
Figure 3.1 Summarizes the stages of courtship and the ten types. The chart shows how
each type of behavior is affected by problems in specific courtship dimensions. To further clarify
these issues we have included a courtship inventory. By using it, you will be able to connect
what you have learned about the patterns of your sexual behavior to the ways you learned about
courtship.
Courtship Disorder and the Ten Types
Compulsive Type Notice Attraction —‘Flirtation ©Demonstration- Romance Individuation Intimacy Touching. Foreplay Intercourse Commitment Renewal

as
pees
eae i
|__Tadingsex
|

eae seat
ps

Figure 3.1

78 |Chapter 3 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

Courtship Inventory
The following are ten dimensions of courtship. Rate yourself on each dimension and record
any comments you have about your rating. Remember you do not have to do this perfectly. Your
goal is to identify places where you are stuck in understanding courtship. Use your work on the
ten types to see how your behavior and intimacy issues are aligned. Record specific examples of
problems you have had with relationships that relate to your sexual behaviors.

Noticing
— The ability to recognize attractive traits in others. With an existing partner, this means to
be conscious of the desirable traits in that partner. This dimension requires the capacity to filter out
traits that, while desirable, are not a good match for you. Do you notice attractive traits in others?
Are you able to keep noticing them with a current partner even after years of being together?
Are you able to recognize attractive traits and decide they are not a good match for you or are
inappropriate for you to pursue? This dimension requires both noticing and discriminating about
what you notice.

Attraction—
The ability to feel attraction toward others and imagine acting on those feelings.
This dimension assumes a functional arousal pattern or template in which you select someone
appropriate for you. Attraction involves curiosity as well as desire about physical, emotional, and
intellectual traits. In an existing relationship, it means having the ability to maintain openness to
change and the unknown. Are you attracted to healthy, appropriate people? Can you maintain
your attraction for a person over time? Are you able to have fantasies and recognize which are
appropriate? Are you able to move beyond fantasies and feelings, to initiate a relationship with
someone to whom you are attracted?

LOW | HIGH

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 3 |79
x Flirtation—
The ability to use playfulness, seduction, and social cues to send signals of interest
and attraction to the desirable person. This ability extends to noticing flirtation from others. A
critical factor in Successful flirtation is knowing when it is appropriate to send and receive. Are you
capable of flirting? Do you flirt with appropriate persons and in appropriate contexts? Do you notice
when others flirt with you? Do you accurately read what the other person means by flirting? In an
existing relationship, are you flirtatious?

LOW HIGH
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 (a) 9 10

Demonstration— Sometimes inaccurately described as showing off, this is where “process”

(skill and capability) is used to further attract a suitable partner. Demonstration behavior must be
appropriate to the context and the person. Are you able to attract attention to yourself and show
your good qualities and traits? Are you able to do that sexually? Sexually, are you appropriate with
context and age? Your sexual behaviors specific to a relationship or intended to be noticed by
just Cea a teaSe, which means wanting attention with no intent to connect?

ow HIGH
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

80 |Chapter 3 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

sh Romance—The ability to experience, express, and receive passion. This requires a difficult
balancing act of extreme vulnerability and testing feelings against reality: Does this person match
the feelings and the image you have of that person? Do you feel passion when attracted to another
person? Can you clearly express how important the other person is by using those feelings? Are
the people you select consistently inappropriate for you? Do you romanticize your partners so they
are not who you thought they were?

dividuation—
The ability to like and be true to yourself in a relationship. Are you able to be
yourself in a relationship? Do you worry about the other’s approval? Do you defer to them? Are you
able to express your needs effectively? Do you feel that you are giving in or that you let the other
take over?

LOW HIGH
() 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

pee e. ae oe TE OGbh CC

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 3 |81
 Intimacy—
The ability to sustain connection and vulnerability while being accountable and worthy
of trust. Can you sustain a long-term relationship that matters? Can you be totally truthful about
the worst aspects of yourself to your partner? Do you get bored with your primary relationship? Are
you able to talk about how meaningful it is to be with your partner?

LOW a HIGH
ac 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Touching—Conscious touching and contact with the other. Touching affirms the other and the
relationship while still being respectful of timing, situation, and boundaries. Are you able to use
touch to connect with a partner? Have you been conscious of your touching? Do you use touch
seductively? Are you touch-deprived? Do you observe appropriate boundaries with touch? Do you
touch without permission? Do you touch people sexually without their knowledge?

LOW HIGH
: 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 (10>
a y os See?

Gx oe BS 7

82 |Chapter 3 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

Foreplay—Sometimes referred to as the most important part of sexual contact, it is the expression
of sexual passion without the use of the genitals. It includes verbal and emotional as well as
physical initiatives. Is your foreplay very ritualized? Does it degrade or humiliate either you or your
partner? Does your foreplay put anyone at risk physically? Do you take sufficient time?

LOW , HIGH

Intercourse
— More than the exchange of body fluids, this is the ability to surrender oneself to
passion, letting go and trusting that both self and other can be totally vulnerable. Does orgasm
occur easily for you with someone you care for? Do you find intercourse easier with people whom
you do not know or in whom you have no investment? Do you have to have control in some
way over the person you are with to have orgasm? Does intercourse work best with new or
unknown persons?

LOW HIGH
\
PSs
i 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
ee: Pty foo at Gara Vee Le ura:

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 3 |83
Renewal-—
The capacity to sustain intimacy and all other courtship dimensions in an existing
relationship. This requires the ability to see when a relationship is not working and actively work to
change it or leave it. Do you take sufficient responsibility to make your relationship work? Do you
continue to court and attract your partner? Are you able to consistently express how meaningful
your relationship is? Are you in a primary relationship now that deepens as each year passes?

LOW HIGH
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 9 10

Commitment—
The ability to form a deep, meaningful, and satisfying relationship. Do you
keep your commitments? Do you have difficulty forming close relationships that endure? Do
you consistently take steps to honor and nurture your primary relationship? Are you in a deeply
satisfying primary relationship? If not, what responsibility do you have in it not being satisfying?

Low HIGH
1 (2) 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

84 |Chapter 3 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

Reflections of Romance and Sex
At this point you should have a much greater understanding about yourself and your sexual
addiction. We have provided a page for you to write a summary of what you have learned. Doing
this will help you in the next chapter as you begin the work of your Step One.

issn EEE

irr

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 3 |85
 Understanding sexual compulsivity for most readers must include an appreciation of the
role of cybersex. Seventy percent of sex addicts have problematic behavior online. Their behaviors
parallel the ten types that have emerged over the decades of our research. Consider what you
now know from this chapter about the ten types and how these distortions of courtship can appear
on-line. Table 3.2 summarizes how each type might emerge in online behavior. In effect, cybersex
has become the great “accelerator” of sexually compulsive behavior.

Type Courtship Issue Online Behavior

rs : Email, chat rooms, instant messaging,

Fantasy Sex Noticing, attraction faniceyetones

Voyeur sites, mini-cam sites in dorms

Voyeurism Noticing, attraction, flirtation and dressing rooms, CUSeeMe
acitivites, pornography sites
PCT OneContOnetie
tan Unwanted pictures, workplace
exposure, CuSeeMe
: Flirtation, demonstration, Email chat rooms, dating services,
Seductive Role Sex ve yah
romance, intimacy, individuation | bulletin boards

Flirtation, demonstration, Posting sexual services, chat rooms,

Trading Sex ae pee
romance, intimacy, individuation | escort and massage services

Intimacy, individuation, touching, | Internet stalking, unwanted intrusion,

Intrusive Sex
foreplay hidden files
Intimacy, individuation,
Online strippers, phone sex contacts,
Paying for Sex touching, foreplay, intercourse,
booking prostitution
commitment, renewal
Intimacy, individuation,
Chat rooms, screenname contacts,
touching, foreplay, intercourse, see
email cruising
commitment, renewal

Touching, foreplay, intercourse, Pain sites, specialty groups and

Pain Exchange Sex
commitment, renewal bulletin boards, specialty prostitution

Chatrooms and emails; grooming and

Exploitive Sex All courtship dimensions
scouting

Table 3.2

86 |Chapter 3 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

Cybersex: The Great Accelerator
Cybersex is transforming our sexuality. It is now the number one profit center on the Internet,
having passed sales in computers and software. Most sex education occurs on the web. It is the
number one activity for kids while they do their homework. Most pornography is downloaded
between nine and five, so it is a fact of life in the workplace. On the positive side, people are able to
access information about sex in ways that are comfortable and helpful. People are able to connect
with significant partners that they would never have met without the help of the Internet. Recovery
resources have become a great asset on the Internet. Some of our best Twelve Step meetings are
online meetings. For readers of this book, it is also important to understand that many people have
trouble with sexual compulsion that would never have had the problem were it not for the Internet.
Consider the following examples:

=» A minister discovered pornography on the Internet. Within five weeks he had spent his
family’s savings and embezzled eight thousand dollars from his church
= The wife of a successful surgeon uses emails to contact her husband’s friends and now
has a nightmare of multiple affairs
= A base commander in the air force with full Knowledge that information systems were
monitored used a base computer to access prostitutes and was caught
# A hospital information filter picks up child pornography by two physicians who are
pediatricians
= A parent discovers that her eighth grader is using his computer for sexual purposes on
the average of sixty hours a week

The question is often asked, “Why does sex on the Internet have this power?” Among
the answers, anonymity stands out. Internet users are lulled into thinking that no one is watching
what they are doing. The facts are that our Internet trails can be and often are carefully tracked by
a variety of interested parties. Further, those trails are recorded for a long time. Yet, the illusion of
being alone is seductive. It allows a person to think of sex on the Internet as impersonal (hurts no
one). It is more like a computer game—another in the panoply of virtual realities. It is very easy to
access, requiring little skill to do.
A strong case has emerged that Internet sexual stimulation has the capability to go beyond
our own biological limits. Researchers in this area, such as Al Cooper, have described cybersex
as the crack-cocaine of sexual compulsivity. No partner can compete with the Internet. People get
so stimulated that sex feels more real on the Internet than in their real lives. The marketing loops
used by the marketers of pornography create so many options that they “access the unresolved”
in net users. We all have parts of our sexual experience in which we were not able to explore. For
example, we all were sexually attracted to children at one time in our lives—because we were
children. As we mature, we look for adult partners and recognize that attraction to children is not

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 3 |87
appropriate. Yet on the net you can go back and explore that which you have always wondered
about. So it is with all forms of sexual expression that is strange, forbidden, or beyond our reach.
Some things we know for sure:

= Sexual addiction using cybersex once started can escalate quickly

=® Sexual addiction on the Internet will extend to non-internet behaviors (fantasies turn into
behaviors)
=™ Those who already had a sex addiction problem find that Internet sex magnifies both
behaviors and associated problems
# Sexual compulsivity escalates to behavior that the addict has never done before or
maybe never even knew existed
® Sex addicts in recovery report that Internet sex is one of the leading factors in relapse

If sex on the Internet has been part of your pattern, it is very important to become specific
about how cybersex has affected you. The following is an inventory of your Internet patterns.
Please complete the inventory and then reflect on how cybersex has changed your patterns and
maybe even your sexuality.

88 |Chapter 3 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

Cybersex Use Inventory
The purpose of this inventory is to review your Internet sexual use. You will note that the
focus is not on specific behaviors but rather to discern the patterns. This will raise your personal
awareness as well as assist you in your recovery and therapy.

Date you started ZODD

Estimate realistically the hours per week involved in some form of current sexual behavior:

Times per week Hours per session Weekly total

Have you ever had periods where you have “binged” sexually on the Internet:

Circle one: Yes ous

If yes, describe:

Were there periods of time when you made efforts to stop your behavior:

Circle one: Yes € No)

Se
If yes, describe:

Has your behavior even been a problem so that you stopped the behavior for an extended period
of time:
[ors =)
Circle one: nes (No /
If yes, describe:

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 3 |89
Over time have you noticed any of the following (place a check mark in front of all that apply:

a pattern of taking greater risks

seeking more violent, angry, or unusual pictures

an attraction to underage persons (ages 12-16 years)

an attraction to children (up to 12 years)

an attraction to underage persons or children evolved as part of Internet use

attracted to sexual behaviors or persons you were not attracted to before your
Internet experiences

attracted to sexual behaviors or situations you had not been aware of before your
Internet experiences

taking sexual risks with others you had never taken before your sexual experience
on the Internet

starting new sexual behaviors because of things you saw or experienced on the Internet

engaging in old sexual behaviors you had stopped doing because of your Internet use

a declining ability to respond sexually to your partner because of Internet sex

anger or anxiety when unable to get online for sexual contact

Risk Taking and Unmanageability

When Internet sex becomes compulsive, the user starts to take inordinate risks. Plus,
cybersex starts to create chaos in one’s life. The following is a list of risks and problems associated
with cybersex addiction. Review the list and check all those which would be true in your experience.

risk of being discovered at home

was discovered at home

risk of being discovered at work

was discovered at work

diminished or little sleep

all night binges with no sleep at all

failure to complete important or scheduled work

spent money you could not afford

sharing personal identification information with unknown persons

misuse of personal information by Internet sexual partners

90 |Chapter 3 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

 meeting unknown persons

attacked or exploited by Internet sexual partners

entangled relationships started on the Internet

loss of primary relationship because of Internet use

inability to respond sexually off-line with real person

computer compromised because of viruses or soyware contracted because of sexual

sites or contacts on the internet

replaced hard disk or computer because of Internet sexual behavior

risk of arrest because of behavior

was arrested because of behavior

The following rationales and self-talk are often used to explain or justify sexual behavior.
Check any of these rationales if they were part of your thinking about sex on the Internet:

no one will Know

it is not really sex because it is just electrons

not unfaithful because no one is touched

no one is hurt by the behavior

it is like a computer game, not real

everyone does it

it is a good, safe, and fun way to escape my problems

it does not affect anything as long as no one finds out

it is better to do it online than in real life

it has not changed me in any way

it is a good way to learn

my partner is not sexual enough and | deserve sex

| feel controlled and it is a way to get my needs met

it is a safe way to break the rules

my partner is not interested in meeting my needs

| can see and explore what | have always wanted to do

| am making up for what | have missed

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 3 |91
 | often feel lonely and it helps

| am not very social and | can get my needs met

Cybersex is a safety valve for me to let off steam

| love the secrecy of doing something no one knows about

| like “forbidden” territory

During your sexual episodes on the Internet, were your orgasmic?

We
Circle one: (Yes No
What conditions needed to be present for orgasm to occur? Please describe:

Have you hurt yourself physically because of extended sexual stimulation on the Internet?
Circle one: Yes No/
or

If yes, please describe injuries:

Were there specific rituals you used to initiate your Internet activity? There are ways
to prepare for the Internet episode. Or they could even be ways to talk yourself into doing the
behavior, even though you did not feel like it. Consider these activities as a way to “seduce
yourself” into your regular cybersex patterns.

Please describe these rituals:

92 |Chapter 3 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

During cybersex would you use any of the following substances? Check all that apply:

alcohol

cocaine

amphetamines

______ poppers
hallucinogens

Oxycontin or other pain killers

nicotine

caffeine

After cybersex, would you have any of the following? Check all that apply:

despair over time wasted

despair about secret life

sexual unavailability to partner

suicidal feelings

shame because behavior does not fit your values

vows to never do the behavior

anxiety and obsession about risks taken

use with alcohol, nicotine, or drugs to feel better

compulsively eat to feel better

masturbate to feel better

use other online activities such as gambling, e-trading, gaming, or auctions to feel better.

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 3 |93
In addition to problematic sexual behavior, were any of the following online behaviors problematic
for you. Check all that apply:

gambling

e-trading

gaming

auction sites

Any others, please list:

Using the space below, create a map of the usual sites you visit as part of your pattern.
Typically there are a few sites an addict prefers to start with. Then, depending on what is found,
there will be specific directions they will pursue. Usually three to five patterns will emerge. Create
the map using specific site names. As you label each direction, note what it is you are looking for.
This may be an exercise that is difficult to do alone. Ask your therapist to help you if you find it
difficult to do by yourself. Many therapists require this activity as a specific session for this reason.
Use one color pen to list the sites. Use another color to note what it is you are seeking. Complete
the map until you have the most compelling sites listed.

94 |Chapter 3 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

Cybersex: Part of Sex Addiction?
Having completed the previous pages, it is important to now reflect on whether cybersex
is part of your sexual addiction. Below are listed criteria by clinicians to determine the presence of
sex addiction. Review each criteria and then circle “yes” or “no” if this criteria fits for you. Space is
provided for you to record examples for each dimension listed. If you have questions, talk to your
therapist about each one that is not clear to you.

Addiction Criteria
1. Preoccupation with sex on the Internet
Fantasizing and thinking about your next cybersex forays. Planning and manipulating so that you
will have your cybersex time. Reviewing in your mind your most recent activities.

Circle one: Yes

as
“No
\
Examples:

2. Frequently engaging in sex on the Internet more often or for longer periods of time
than intended. It is common for you to give yourself a limit, such as how much time you are going
to spend, but then fail to do so. The allotted time passes, but it does not matter. Or perhaps there
are certain web sites you do not want to be on, but you find yourself there anyway. Addicts find
that it continues to take more—time, risk, or money. Is it hard to stop once you have started?

Circle one: Yes ( No /

“ ~

Examples:

Chapter 3 |95
Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
3. Repeated unsuccessful efforts to control, cut back on, or stop engaging in sex on
the Internet. Once you realized that the amount of time you’d been spending for sex online was
excessive, you decided to set some limits. Perhaps you promised yourself that you would go online
only once a day or week and only for thirty minutes at a time. Or maybe you decided to quit cold
turkey for a week or to go online only on weekends. But whatever promise you made to yourself,
you couldn't keep it. Maybe your attempts at control worked for a few days, a week, several
weeks, or even a month, but eventually “something” happened and you “needed” to go back
online. No matter what you tried, you eventually returned to the internet for sexual activities.

Circle one : Y eS re
oy

Examples:

4. Restlessness or irritability when attempting to limit or stop engaging in sex on the

Internet. When planning to go online, and something happens to disrupt your plan, such as your
spouse returns early, do you find yourself irritated and upset? During those periods in which you
attempted to quit, were you quick to become angry? Do you get anxious and upset when your
intended routine is changed?
Pg

Circle one: Yes (_No/

Examples:

96 |Chapter 3 Facing the Shadow Siarting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

5. Using sex on the Internet as a way of escaping from problems or relieving feelings such
a helplessness, guilt, anxiety, or depression. Everyone has feelings of helplessness, sorrow,
worry, depression, and anger. There are many ways to address or cope with these feelings. Do you
turn to the Internet for a sexual release so you can feel better and function at home or work? Is
Internet sex a way to cover loneliness? Procrastination? Escape from painful events or duties?

Circle one: Yes No

Examples:

6. Returning to sex on the Internet day after day in search of a more intense or higher-
risk sexual experience. Your expectations of what you want out of the Internet continue to
increase and become more elaborate. You might hope to find your true love via the Internet. At
first, you may drop into chat rooms, remaining anonymous, just to see whether you could find
a potential mate online. Eventually, being anonymous no longer does it for you. Your search of
various Chat rooms becomes more intense and frantic and time-consuming. After connecting
with one man in particular, you begin corresponding privately with him via e-mail. Eventually, you
arrange a meeting with him for sex in a hotel. The excitement and hope you feel in your search lead
to more risky behavior both on and off the Internet. Do you keep returning to sites or situations you
know are not good for you?
What have you been looking for on the Internet? How has that changed from when you first
started going online? Are you moving into areas you once told yourself you’d never explore’?

Circle one: Yes ( No?

a

Examples:

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 3 |97
7. Lying to family members, therapists, or others to conceal involvement with sex on the
internet. In our culture, most people are secretive about their sex lives, regardless of whether their
behavior is normal or problematic. What is of concern is being dishonest about it when asked.
Have you lied about using the Internet for sex-related activities? Have you downplayed your
involvement or failed to be honest about your involvement to a spouse, partner, boss, or therapist?
Have you used the “just curious” excuse?

Circle one: Yes (‘se)

ys
si”

Examples:

8. Committing illegal sexual acts online (for example, sending or downloading child
pornography or soliciting illegal sex acts online). Certain activities on the Internet have been
declared illegal in many, if not all, states. As people use the Internet for sex-related activities, and
as they increase their time on the net, some also move closer and closer to engaging in illegal
behaviors. A forty-year-old male who'd fantasized about having sex with a teenager for several
years eventually began visiting a teen chat room. He engaged in a conversation with a thirteen-year-
old female for some time before moving the relationship to a point where he asked where he could
meet her to have sex. Soliciting sex acts with minors online is illegal, just as sending, exchanging, or
downloading child pornography is illegal. These are felony offences that, in many states, will result
in mandatory prison ne Have you engaged in or are you thinking about such actions?

Circle one: Yes {| No)

Examples:

98 |Chapter 3 Facing the Shadow Siarting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

9. Jeopardizing or losing a significant relationship, job, or educational or career
opportunity because of online sexual behavior. Online sex-related activities can have serious
consequences. Ray downloaded a child pornography image to a chat room. As a result, he was
arrested through an undercover operation. The shame of being charged with felony counts for
sexual exploitation of a minor became overwhelming, and the consequences rippled through
every aspect of his life. Because of escalating legal fees, he lost most of his savings and retirement
funds. He was closing on his new home the day the search warrant was served. Consequently, he
lived in his new home for only two days before he had to sell it as a result of this crime. He lost a
well-paying, prestigious job with tremendous advancement potential in an excellent corporation. He
endured house arrest and faced a potential prison term of 220 years. Ray had been respected in
his community and was on numerous boards and committees. This all ended with his arrest.
What parts of your life are being affected by your online sexual behavior? Have you jeopardized or
lost a significant relationship? What about a job, a career, or your health and well-being?

Circle one: Yes No )

Examples:

Chapter 3 |99
Facing the Shadow Slarting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
10. Incurring significant financial consequences as a result of engaging in online sexual
behavior. While basic Internet access can be fairly inexpensive, many cybersex sites charge a
monthly access fee. A thirty-two-year-old male client was shocked when he opened his credit card
bill one day to find charges totaling more than twelve hundred dollars. He’d been registering to
enter various cybersex sites and had completely lost track of how many he’d paid for. A twenty-
three-year-old female client received an Internet server bill for hundreds of dollars. She’d spend six
or so hours per day in chat rooms and had sailed miles past her free minute limit without having
any idea of the charges that were accruing. Another male client spent forty thousand dollars in one
month dating high-priced call girls and using cocaine. He’d arranged for both through an online
prostitution service.
Have you felt the financial consequences of your time online? How many memberships are
you paying for each month? What are your monthly Internet fees? Have you lost job or educational
opportunities because of your time online?
=
Circle one: Yes (fo)

Examples:

Looking back over the criteria, consider the connection that cybersex and sex addiction may have
for you. Record your thoughts below. This brings you to a point where you are ready to take on the
challenge of Step One and accepting your problem.

Reflections on Internet sex and sex addiction for you:

100 |Chapter 3 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
Reading Assignments
Read and reflect on Out of the Shadows, pages 133-160 and Don’t Call It Love, pages 181-258.
Also, you might want to read /n the Shadows of the Net.

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 3 |101
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 Chapter 4 What is a First Step?
Accepting the Problem

The tremendous fact for every one of us is that we have discovered a common solution.
—Alcoholics Anonymous

SOME SEVENTY YEARS AGO, a stockbroker named Bill W. who was down on his luck
because of his drinking problem sat in the kitchen of a house on Ardmore Street in Akron, Ohio.
The house belonged to Dr. Bob, a physician who had the same problem. He simply could not stop
drinking. They sat over a cup of coffee discussing a letter the broker had received from Carl Jung,
the famous physician pioneer of psychotherapy. In the letter, Jung told Bill W. that if their new group
was to achieve success, they had to pass on their stories. Essentially, the key to success was
to help each other as opposed to acting alone. Thus was born the “telling of the story” that has
been the cornerstone of Alcoholics Anonymous. The framework these men developed has helped
millions of people. Not only alcoholics, but gamblers, compulsive overeaters, and sex addicts—
and their partners—have all benefited from their original insights. The key outcome of telling the
story is that the teller admits that he or she has a problem while the listeners affirm the teller by
acknowledging that they had the same experience. This transaction reduces the shame for all
involved and supports them in their common commitment to stay sober.
Storytelling is powerful. When parents, for example, tell family stories, the children always
object if a piece is left out. One might ask why the children want to hear these stories again and
again since they already know them so well. The answer is that the storytelling is not about passing
on information. It is about bonding. The child feels bonded in that he or she is a part of the story.
To return to our earlier discussion about addiction stemming from a failure to bond, Twelve Step
groups actually begin a re-bonding process that helps people make up the deficits of the past.

this is so. When Amnesty International first attempted therapy to help torture victims, they got no
where. Victims of torture, even though they were miserable, resisted help at a most profound level.
Eventually, Al staff made a discovery. If torture victims could tell the story of their experience to a
room full of other people who were also torture victims, an acceptance of the experience occurred.
The victim was then able to bond enough to make therapy succeed. The same happened with
drug addiction and alcoholism. Professionals tried to help for years, but it was not until AA provided

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 4 |103
a format for alcoholics to tell their stories that therapy could actually help. Most addicts have
experienced deep trauma in their lives. What’s more, being an addict of any type is traumatic in
itself. These people need a safe place with other people who know the story before it is told.
Essentially, the storytelling details the way life used to be and how it is today. Put simply, the
story is about change. The Twelve Steps, more than anything else, teach about profound change
in a person’s life. They essentially reveal a life stance —what psychologists and philosophers
call an “existential position”
—on how to live life. The Twelve Steps are actually sound principles
about change and life that everyone can use, but they are especially useful for those who have to
experience the radical changes of recovery. The spirit of these principles is best captured in what
is called the Serenity Prayer, which asks for the serenity to accept the things | cannot change,
the courage to change the things | can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” The internal
acceptance of those ideas helps reduce anxiety dramatically. Addictions draw their power from
anxiety and fear.
The First Step captures that principle. It reads, “We admitted we were powerless over our
sexual addiction—that our lives had become unmanageable.”
People who do a First Step usually

The following series of worksheets will help you prepare for a First Step. As you work
through them, | encourage you to ask for help. A therapist can be a wonderful resource as you
think about these issues. You also should select a couple of “consultants” from your Twelve Step
group or your therapy group to help you. Whenever you feel shameful or discouraged or unsure
about what to do, get a consultation. Talk to someone. Ask for help. Remember this is exactly what
those guys did back in Dr. Bob’s kitchen.

104 |Chapter 4 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
Your Sexual Addiction History
This section asks you to focus on the development of your sexual addiction. Because it
may be difficult for you to recall specific events or details, respond to the following questions as
best you can.

1. At what age do you believe your sexual addiction started (i.e., sexual obsession or behavior
helped you to cope; you lost faith in yourself)?
hs

2.What were some critical events during the early development of your sexual addiction
(€.g., increase in frequency, unmanageability, abandonment, abuse)?

LISSES seh Gove C we «

3. At what age do you believe your sexual addiction was firmly established (i.e. life priorities
became reversed, your sexual preoccupation and acting out interfered with your life, job,
family)?
g- ZO. sh. ?

4.What were some critical events during this period of your addiction (e.g., stressors, denial,
impaired thinking)?

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 4 |105
 5. Were there periods during your life in which your addiction suddenly escalated in terms of
frequency or types of sexual acting out behavior?

Circle one: Yes No

If yes, at what ages (e.g., 15-18, 22-24, 30)?:

JE FI /¥- 22

6. Was there a seasonal (Spring, summer, fall, winter) pattern in your sexual acting out?

Circle one: Yes Gros

If yes, please specify:

7.What were some critical events during these periods of escalation?

8. At what ages do you believe your sexual addiction was at its highest level?

35-7C (2

9. What were some critical events that took place during this period when your addiction was at
its highest level?

106 |Chapter 4 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
10. Were there periods during your life when your sexual addiction de-escalated (i.e., was less
intense, went underground, was controlled)?

Circle one: No
If yes, at what ages?

11.What were some critical events that preceded this de-escalation or that occurred during it?

= iC hove Ss “7 Poe Ee re, ect rs

12. Were there periods during your life when it seemed that you had no life beyond the
obsession and the predictable addictive cycle of acting out sexually (i.e., you had breaks in
reality, you completely abandoned your value system)?

Circle one: Yes ENO)

If yes, at what ages?

13. What were some critical events during these periods?

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 4 |107
 14. Are you currently working on limiting other compulsive behaviors or are you Currently in
recovery for any other addiction?

Circle one: (es) No

compulsive use of alcohol or other drugs

alcohol or other drug dependency

codependency

eating disorders (overeating, anorexia, bulimia)

__——sinicotine/tobacco addiction

ee ascaffeine abuse or addiction

compulsive gambling

compulsive spending

compulsive work

other, specify:

15. How did your other addictions (if any) affect your sexual addiction?

ee ge eee

108 |Chapter 4 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
Powerlessness Inventory
List as many examples as you can that show how powerless you have been to stop your
behavior. Remember, “powerless” means being unable to stop the behavior despite obvious
consequences. Be very explicit about types of behavior and frequency. Start with your earliest
example of being powerless, and conclude with the most recent. Generate at least thirty examples.
By generating as many examples as possible, you will have added significantly to the depth of your
understanding of your own powerlessness. Remember, you do not have to complete the list in one
sitting. Add to the list as examples occur to you. When you finish this inventory, do not proceed
until you have discussed it with one of your guides. The “gentle way” means you deserve support
with each piece of significant work.
Example: Sarah said she would leave in 1988 if | slipped again, and | did it anyway.
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Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 4 |111
Unmanageability Inventory
List as many examples as you can that show how your life has become totally
unmanageable because of your dependency. Remember, “unmanageability” means that your
addiction created chaos and damage in your life. If you need further ideas, return to chapter one
and review your list of consequences. Again, when you finish this inventory, stop and talk to your
guides. You deserve support.
Example: Got caught stealing in 1988 to support my addiction.

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112 |Chapter 4 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
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The most recent examples will make you feel your unmanageability most strongly. Which
are your most recent examples? Circle five that have happened to you in the last ten days. Circle
five that have happened to you during the past thirty days.

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 4 |113
Financial Costs
Sex addiction can be very expensive. Prostitution, gifts to lovers, medical costs, divorces,
and lost businesses are just a few of the ways addicts pay a price for their addiction. Many sex
addicts hit a point of no return when they add up just the financial costs of their sexual behavior.
Usually the financial costs in no way approach the emotional and personal costs. Yet determining
how much of your resources have gone into your sexual behavior provides one very clear index of
how out of control you have been. For many, totaling up the bill is staggering because they have
substantially deluded themselves about the costs. Most addicts spent more than they could afford.
The following worksheet will help you determine what the financial costs of your addiction
are. Go through each section carefully and total each. You may have to use separate sheets of
paper to make the calculations. Enter the description and provide your best estimate as to how
much you have spent. Some of the costs may have to be approximate. The goal is to document
what has happened to you, not survive an audit. You know more than anyone what the costs have
been. Simply record what those costs probably were. Use your consultants if you are stuck or
need support.

Direct Spending
Include money spent on prostitution, gifts to lovers, strip bars, swinging clubs, phone
sex, travel with lovers, travel to places for sexual contact, pornography, memberships in Internet
sex web sites, and blackmail. Also include babysitting, clothes, makeup, exercise classes, and
cosmetic surgery.

Item Amount Total $

Business and Career Costs

Include lost earning time, sexual harassment lawsuits, sexual misconduct lawsuits.
Consider costs due to bad performance or bad decisions because you were acting out. If a career
has been lost or Suspended, include the cost of training and what income has been lost. If a
business has been lost, calculate not only the investment but what potential earnings were lost.
Include the misuse of other people’s money, hush money, and bail money for self or others.

Toe + ee

114 |Chapter 4 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
Medical Expenses
Include obvious direct expenses such as treatment for AIDS, hepatitis, or other sexually
transmitted diseases. Specify medical costs for car accidents or other accidents that occurred
while acting out. If major medical conditions occurred such as a heart attack due to the stress of
your sexual behavior specify that as well. Include abortions and unwanted pregnancies.

Item Amount Total $= Va a7 TOL '

Divorce or Family Support

Include divorce costs including attorney’s fees, child support, and settlements. If you
supported a mistress, additional families, or a sex partner, calculate related financial costs. Specify
any ongoing support of those for whom you have felt guilt or have been legally required to support.

Item Amount Total $ oeC#R Sc S41

Legal Problems
Include money spent on attorneys for defense against legal charges, bail money, and court
fees. Consider also lost time due to legal involvements, prison stays, or workhouse sentences. Any
lawsuit not part of your business or career but a result of your sexual behavior should be recorded.

Item Amount Total $

Add up all the total costs here $

Reflection on the Total

What insights or reflections do you have now that you have an approximate cost? If that
money was available to you today, what would you be able to do with it? What role has money
played for you in this process? Record your thoughts below:

Pe 7
CEC OU 7
/ws) th

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 4 |115
Give five examples of denial about your spending: (example—|! was always short of cash at the end
of the month but never saw it as a result of my sexual behavior)

ye

Give five examples of delusion (rationalization and justification) about your spending: (example—
| told myself | would do my work better if | got relief)

ale

116 |Chapter 4 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
Record your reactions to your denial or delusions about the costs to you of your addiction. Start
with your thoughts and then record your feelings.

Thoughts:

Feelings:

Ten Worst Moments

List your ten worst moments as a sex addict. Think of events that were the most painful or
catastrophic. For each event, record the feelings you had then and the feelings you have now as
you look back on these moments.

1. Worst moment:

Feelings then:

Feelings now:

2. Worst moment:

Feelings then:

Feelings now:

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 4 |117
 3. Worst moment:

Feelings then:

Feelings now:

4. Worst moment:

Feelings then:

Feelings now:

5. Worst moment:

Feelings then:

Feelings now:

6. Worst moment:

Feelings then:

Feelings now:

7. Worst moment:

Feelings then:

Feelings now:

8. Worst moment:

Feelings then:

Feelings now:

118 |Chapter 4 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 9. Worst moment:

Feelings then:

Feelings now:

10. Worst moment:

Feelings then:

Feelings now:

Now that you have completed the list, rank order the worst moments by putting a “1” next
to the very worst, a “2” next to the second worst, and continue until you have ranked all ten. This
will helo you focus on what you will share in your First Step process.

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 4 |119
Sharing Your First Step
You will share your First Step many times. Initially, it will be with your Twelve Step groups
and in therapy. As you progress, you will share in other groups, with sponsees, and ultimately with
those you love. This will be the part of your story about how bad it was. As we noted earlier, this
“retelling the story” is not about relaying the facts. Rather it is done to create the deep bond that
comes out of deep sharing. We have noted how telling the story teaches principles about change.
As you make “multiple presentations,” a life stance emerges about change and stress. This chapter
and the next are designed to help you understand that “stance.”
The First Step also breaks rules about always looking good and keeping secrets, and thus it
helps destroy the secret life and the shame that perpetuates dishonesty. As that happens, addicts
start to experience long-buried feelings. Obliterated and numbed by your obsession and behavior,
these are feelings that have literally been haunting you. As you share your story, you will also be
able to share your feelings. Not only is this important self-knowledge, but expressing these feelings
will allow others to know your interior world. Those who listen can then provide feedback and
support. That exchange is essential to the healing process. In short, you cannot share your First
Step without sharing the feelings that go with it. Unexpressed feelings provide fuel for all addictions.
Addicts have years (even decades) of practice at ignoring feelings, containing feelings, and
hiding feelings, So expressing them will feel very awkward at first. Yet it is how those who listen will
know that you are really internalizing your First Step. A predictable pattern exists. It typically goes
as follows:

Defensive explanation and manipulation

— indicates addict is still in denial

Reporting the facts— shows intellectual understanding

Expressions of anger and fear—reflects addict taking responsibility

\
Describing shame and embarrassment—
means addictive pride lifts

\
Sharing sadness and pain—shows emotional understanding

Admits depth of loneliness

— indicates acceptance

Reaching the point of acceptance represents a profound turning point for most people in
recovery. Here are some tips on how to get there. There should be two people from your group who
know the whole story, along with your therapist. With these people, go over all the work that you
have done, including your sexual behavior, your sexual history, your consequences, your examples
of powerlessness, your examples of unmanageability, your costs, and your worst moments. When

120 |Chapter 4 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
you present your Step, you will not be able to tell the whole story since there usually is a limited
amount of group time. Your goal is to share your feelings. If you can get to your core feelings, they
will not need all the details. Focus on the most painful and shameful parts for you. Your guiding
question should always be how bad it was for you. Ask your consultants and your therapist for helo
deciding what parts of your story and feelings to present.
Many addicts find it difficult to feel. Here are some ideas that can help you do so. Select
items that involve impact on your children, your spouse or partner’s pain, your losses, or your
public embarrassment. Ask yourself what would it be like if everyone knew everything. Use
your “worst moments list” right at the outset to help you access your feelings. Your Twelve
Step group or your therapist may ask you to put additional work into it until they see your
complete acceptance. Asking you to work on it more is normal. It means two things. First, they
are supporting you and pushing you to really get your needs met. Second, they know what
acceptance looks like. Here is what they look for:

™ no excuses or explanations (you acted out because you acted out)

= clear understanding of powerlessness, with good examples of efforts to stop
® clear understanding of unmanageability, with good examples of consequences
# knowledge of your own addictive system
# knowledge of how your behavior fit the criteria for addiction
= the worst expressed and the secrets exposed
® taking full responsibility for actions
= arange of feelings expressed
= feelings are appropriate for the events reported
= suffering including grief, pain, sorrow, and remorse
# ownership of loneliness
= = acommitment to do whatever it takes to change

With Those Criteria in Mind You Then Tell Your Story

Sometimes addicts get confused about how one can be powerless and still take
responsibility. A paradox does exist here, but it untangles if you remember this. Alone you are
powerless. You were not able to stop your behavior. With help you can. You did the behavior. No
one else is responsible for it. You chose your behavior. Now, by knowing what you know, you have
a responsibility to use the tools you have and to get the help you need. There were forces at work
you did not understand, but no longer.
Remember the advice from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous when it described
addiction as cunning and baffling. Your “addict” will attempt to sabotage your First Step. Here are
some things that might happen:

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 4 |121
 # you may be tempted to act out, even in some minor way
= you may want to keep a secret or protect someone
# you may want to procrastinate on this task
= you may find distractions and things to upset you
# you may find fault with your group, your therapist, or your treatment program
= you may find or create a family crisis
=™ you may find yourself craving to act on your other addictions
# you may find yourself mired in self-hatred and self-loathing

In other words, your “addict” may ask you to stay loyal to the old ways. Cunning and
baffling! Yet if you persevere, you will find that the First Step teaches a new and more conscious
way of life. Anxiety and suffering become guides rather than enemies. You will learn that change
is the substance of life and that the unknown is for everybody. That which used to cripple you will
become an extraordinary source of wisdom. Troubles will not cease, but your effectiveness will
multiply. And, you get to have problems that are not sexual ones. You will forge new bonds and
be respected for how you handle yourself. No matter how big the fear or the challenge, a core
of peace will pervade all you do. You start by getting this done. Just like those people back on
Ardmore Street.

Recommended Reading
Don't Call It Love, pages 258-327; The Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps, pages 89-138.

122 |Chapter 4 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 Chapter 5 What Damage Has Been Done?
Responding to Change and Crisis

You choose your behavior, but the world chooses your consequences.
—Pat Mellody

PAT MELLODY IS ONE OF THE PIONEERS in addiction treatment in this country. He often
uses the phrase, “You choose your behavior, but the world chooses your consequences.” This
favorite maxim highlights the reality for most addicts that unmanageability may continue long after
the recovery. Simply said, addictive behaviors often cause much damage. And addicts have little
control over some of those consequences. Pat uses this phrase to remind addicts who are angry
about how things are unraveling that their behavior brought on all these problems. This is a difficult
moment for people who now realize they have an addiction and are working hard at recovery —but
the problems continue. To them, this does not seem fair.
This chapter focuses on helping you face consequences using recovery principles. In early
recovery, life usually seems to be spinning out of control. Arrests, health issues, job problems,
money difficulties, and family complications all add up. Early recovery is hard, especially if you are
out of work or fighting the HIV virus or your partner has initiated divorce. That kind of problem
Compounding is typical. Then you have the problem of sorting out who you tell what. Disclosure
to your therapist is going to be different than disclosure to your boss or spouse. Such problems
require determining what you can control and what you cannot. This chapter is designed to help
you determine what you can manage and to guide you in dealing with the areas that you cannot
manage. First you have to understand what happens with change.

Understanding Change
Recovery is more than a shift of emphasis. It is a series of internal movements that alter
one’s life. How does dramatic change occur? It helps to understand the nature of change itself.
Scientists have long noted that some changes are transforming and others are not. By looking at
how systems work, including family systems, political systems, molecular systems, mathematical
systems, and even computer systems, we have concluded that two types of change exist. They
are called first order change and second order change.

Chapter 5 |123
Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 First order change is most accurately described with the French aphorism, “The more
things change, the more they stay the same.” They are concrete actions taken to quickly stop
a problem and to address specific consequences. Consider the woman who married three
abusive alcoholics in a row. Each one is worse than the last. Yet, before each marriage, she was
determined to do better than before. The harder she tried, the worse the marriage and life became.
Did she change? Yes, she changed husbands, but her situation remained the same. That is first
order change.
Second order changes are those steps that people take to actually change the dynamics of
their life and the way they live. The story of the woman above did not end with her three marriages.
She began to look at her own life. She found a therapist and began going to Al-Anon. She learned
that she had felt dependent on men and had few relationships with women. She learned that the
criteria she used for selecting partners were rooted in beliefs formed during an abusive childhood
and in intense feelings of inadequacy. She made new plans for herself, took a break from dating,
learned to set appropriate boundaries, and eliminated the people from her life who abused her.
That is second order change.
Addiction is a first order phenomenon. The harder addicts try to stop addiction behaviors
by themselves, the worse things get. Those who act out sexually lead double lives. They isolate
themselves from others. They attempt to have their needs met through their addiction. The
worst part is that the double life works for a while; the acting out is hidden and the addict is fairly
successful in other areas of his or her life. This causes addicts to become very grandiose in their
thinking. They operate believing they can always pull it off. Yet, chaos begins to close in.
The painful reality of negative consequences teaches recovering people insights that
lead to new “programming.” First, they learn that there really are no secrets. They realize that
they are unable (powerless) to change their behavior on their own and by themselves; they need
others. Finally, they begin to take a realistic look at themselves and discover the damage that has
been done in every area of their lives and in the lives of their families and friends. Then comes
a decision to put order back into their lives and to limit the damage. At this point, they begin
therapy and join a Twelve Step or similar recovery program. The recovering person can either use
willpower to try to make life different and stop the old behavior, or this same person can truly dig
in and face the realities of life. In other words, recovering addicts can choose either first or second
order change. Figure 5.1 will show you the difference between the two kinds of change and the
requirements of each.

124 |Chapter 5 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 First Order of Change Second Order of Change
Addicts Believe: Recovering People Know:

No one knows or will know. There are no secrets.

| can change behavior by myself. | am powerless to change without the

help of others.
| can always figure out or force a way to
Sometimes there are events that |
handle problems.
can’t control.
| work best alone.
| need contact with and the help
No one is hurt by what | have done.
of others.
| have not been hurt by what | Damage has rippled through the lives of

have done. people | know.

My behavior has disconnected me

from myself.

| must operate in secrecy. | must make a full disclosure.

| must isolate from others. | must create support networks.

| cannot give anyone the whole story. Trustworthy people get the whole story.

A double life is the only way to get my Integrity must become how | get my

needs met. needs met with a lot less hassle.

| use grandiosity in thinking and | exercise humility and embrace mistakes

in actions. and needs.

Chaos is the norm. | have a damage control plan and seek

the help of others.

Figure 5.1

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 5 |125
Your Turn
List five examples of first order changes that you have made in your life in an effort to
control your behavior or make your life different. Include such examples as changing jobs, moving,
and leaving relationships.

iy

What were some of the beliefs that led you to attempt to change your life by first order change only?

Since you have begun this program, list five steos you have taken that have led to or will lead to
true second order change. Don’t forget the effort you have put into this workbook.

eh

126 |Chapter 5 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 Provisional Beliefs
Stephen Covey, who wrote The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, talked about
radical change. He pointed out that if you focus only on behavior, you will achieve only modest
change. Significant change requires an internal “paradigm shift” —a change in the belief system
that supports the addictive system. It includes all the personal perceptions that anchored the
impaired thinking you learned about in Chapter 2. As in a computer system, you have to change
the software to get a different result. You have to develop and “install” new programming. Even
if you can think of examples of both kinds of change and differentiate clearly between them, you
may not be able to believe that true change is possible for you or that you have any idea of how
to do it. Until you do believe such change is possible for you, you will need to adopt provisional
beliefs. They are really an act of trust, held until your own recovery process takes over a bit more.
Provisionally embracing the truths below will help you through the challenge that comes with
starting change. They will help you as you begin to repair the damage caused by your addictive
behaviors.
For the time being, you may not be able to trust your own perceptions. You will have to
trust the perceptions of others, even as mistaken and unpleasant as you believe them to be.
For the time being, you will have to trust that you have been damaged far more than you
know, but that time and recovery can work wonders in repairing this damage and in helping you
become the person you were meant to be.
For the time being, you must remember that addiction is a form of insanity in which you are
deluded about reality. You need to believe that you must pursue reality at all costs. The only way
out of this insanity is to tell those who are helping you all that has happened. They can support you
in reclaiming reality. You must do this without minimizing or omitting awkward details. And you may

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 5 |127
not make private deals with yourself about holding things back. Anything less than full disclosure
lowers the probability of your recovery.
For the time being, you must allow people to care for you, even if you do not feel that you
deserve anyone’s love and care. You are important, valued, and appreciated in ways that are hard
to accept right now. This means you must follow through on what is asked of you—to surrender
control of your life to those who can care for you better than you can care for yourself at this time.

Damage Control Plan

Using these provisional beliefs, you are ready to create a new “order” in your life. You begin
with a damage control plan. Most people at this point face problems and challenges as a result of
their addictive behavior: arrests, public shame, loss of career, severe relationship Complications,
and disease, for example. The list may seem endless. Recovery teaches that it is important to get
help and to keep things simple. Break all tasks into small component parts and tackle them one at
a time and one day at a time.
Use the following pages to help you think through your damage control plan. Begin by
making a list of the problems you are currently facing. You may wish to consult the problems list
you made in Chapter 1. This list, however, should focus on your current problems that are caused
by unmanageability, such as divorce, disease, unemployment, or an arrest.

Current Problem List

ale

128 |Chapter 5 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 On the pages that follow you will find a form that allows you to think through each of the
problems you just listed in an organized and logical way. Use one form for each problem that you
listed above. If you need more space (and many people do) simply continue the exercise in your
journal. You will find that this way of thinking through problems is not only helpful now, at the start
of your recovery when things are chaotic and overwhelming, but that you also can use it on an
ongoing basis as normal life difficulties arise.
For each problem, you will be asked to write the following:

= Best possible outcome: What would be the best result of any actions you might take
or plan you might devise?
# Minimal acceptable outcome: What is the minimal result that is acceptable?
# Possible solutions: Gather all the solutions that you and the people in your support
system suggest. List each one, no matter how far fetched it may seem.
# Best solution: From all possible solutions, combine and choose the ideas that might
work for you.
=» Action steps with target dates: What concrete actions do you need to take? By
what date will you take them?
= Support needed: What do you need in order to take these steps and who do you
need to help you with this solution?

By carefully laying out your action steps and including the support you need, the tasks will
not seem so overwhelming. You will have also met the requirements of second order change. This
process will helo you build support systems and deal with problems in ways that can continue to
helo you throughout your recovery.

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 5 |129
 Damage Control Worksheet #1
Problem:

Best Possible Outcome:

Minimum Acceptable Outcome:

Possible Solutions:

il

130 |Chapter 5 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
10,

Best Possible Solutions:

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 5 |131
Action Steps:

TE

Date taken by:

Date taken by:

Date taken by:

Date taken by:

Date taken by:

Support needed:

132 |Chapter 5 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 Damage Control Worksheet #2
Problem:

Best Possible Outcome:

Minimum Acceptable Outcome:

Possible Solutions:

ile

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 5 |133
 10.

Best Possible Solutions:

134 |Chapter 5
Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recover
y
Action Steps:

iW

Date taken by:

Date taken by:

Date taken by:

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Support needed:

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 5 |135
Damage Control Worksheet #3
Problem:

Best Possible Outcome:

Minimum Acceptable Outcome:

Possible Solutions:

ie

136 |Chapter 5 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
wer

Best Possible Solutions:

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 5 |137
Action Steps:

ily

Date taken by:

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138 |Chapter 5 Facing the Shadow Siarting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 Damage Control Worksheet #4
Problem:

Best Possible Outcome:

Minimum Acceptable Outcome:

Possible Solutions:

ae

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 5 |139
 0)

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140 |Chapter 5
Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recover
y
 Action Steps:

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Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 5 |144
Damage Control Worksheet #5
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Best Possible Outcome:

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Possible Solutions:

te

142 |Chapter 5 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
10. =

Best Possible Solutions:

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 5 |143
Action Steps:

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144 |Chapter 5 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 Damage Control Worksheet #6
Problem:

Best Possible Outcome:

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Possible Solutions:

als

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 5 |145
 Best Possible Solutions:

146 |Chapter 5
Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 Action Steps:

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Date taken by:

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Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 5 |147
Damage Control Worksheet #7
Problem:

Best Possible Outcome:

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Possible Solutions:

i.

148 |Chapter 5 Facing the Shadow Siarting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
Best Possible Solutions:

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 5 |149
Action Steps:

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150 |Chapter 5 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 Damage Control Worksheet #8
Problem:

Best Possible Outcome:

Minimum Acceptable Outcome:

Possible Solutions:

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 5 |151
 LO

Best Possible Solutions:

152 |Chapter 5
Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 Action Steps:

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Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 5 |153
Damage by Disclosure
The worst happens when disclosure is forced upon an addict. The family is unprepared.
Spouses are outraged. Children are scared. Friends and colleagues often have no comprehension
of what sex addiction is. The result? Everyone involved is disillusioned. Addicts themselves are
filled with shame and despair. They have no support. If the disclosure becomes public, such as
appearing on the front page of the newspaper, all involved are traumatized. Given that the issues
are sexual, everyone has a great deal of interest but not always compassion or understanding.
While it is through discovery of addictive sexual behavior by a spouse or boss that addicts often
get help, this makes the discovery no less difficult.
Early in recovery, addicts sometimes feel so much better they want to tell everybody about
their progress. In that early euphoria it is common to reveal something to someone you will later
wish you had kept to yourself. In early recovery, partners can also demand to know details about
what happened—only to become enraged by what they have learned. Further, many addicts come
from abusive and dysfunctional families which do not respect boundaries, so they do not have the
judgment they need to make good decisions. The metaphor that therapists use to describe their
point is a zipper. When you live in shame, the zipper to yourself is located on the outside. Anyone
can unzip and access information—or sex, or your commitment to do things you do not want
to do. It is hard to say no. Healthy people have the zipper on the inside. They decide who gets
access. They have boundaries—in other words they know where the line is between themselves
and other people. Addicts suffer from boundary failure
— especially in early recovery.
Here are some suggestions about talking to others about your sex addiction:

= Be careful. Tell only those you trust.

# Wait. Even after having decided to tell someone, take time to think over your decision
before actually going through with it.
= Know your motives. What payoffs do you seek? Do you want support or are you
seeking approval?
= Talk to others if you can help them with the same problem. Sharing with people who
need to be in a Twelve Step program, or who already are, helps you, those people, and
the group.
# Remember, it is not necessary to tell many people at all. You do not have to tell, even
when people ask or pry.
= =When in doubt, talk with your sponsor and your group. They can provide the support
you need to make safe decisions.
= Mistakes will happen. All addicts tell someone they later wish they had not told. It is
okay to make mistakes.

154 |Chapter 5 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 You must tell your therapist, family, and the people closest to you. It would be unfair to
them if you were not to share something this significant. Besides, these people will play a vital role
in your healing process. The issue is not whether to tell, but when and how much to tell. Take each
situation one by one.
Your Therapist—
Your therapist must know everything. If you edit, omit, or filter
information, you limit how effective therapy can be. Addicts, however, know they need their
therapist. When they need someone, they use “impression management”
—they try to look good or
in control as a way to keep the therapist “on their side.” The heart of success in both therapy and
recovery is sharing the very worst secrets, allowing yourself to be seen as a “mess,” and admitting
how out of control you have been. Therapists are trained to help in such situations. Few things are
more counterproductive than for critical information to be revealed in therapy after it’s too late. Your
therapist will in fact ask you in some way “is that all?” You need to make full disclosure. We know
from follow-up studies that sex addicts who made full disclosure do better in recovery.
Your Sponsors
— In the Twelve Step program, you will ask key people to become ongoing
consultants for you in your recovery. These sponsors will soend endless hours listening and
helping you when things are hard. They will do this because it helps their recovery as well. It is
part of passing on the story. They need to know everything as well—perhaps in even greater detail
than your therapist. Impression management does not help here either. They need to have the
whole story.
Your Spouse or Significant Other—To have secrets is to have shame. Addiction thrives
in secrecy and shame. In addition, a committed relationship works best when each person “lays
all their cards on the table.” Talking to your partner about sex addiction is more difficult than talking
about a gambling or alcohol problem. Nevertheless, it is very important to do. Just involving your
spouse in early recovery increases your chances of successful recovery. Further, your spouse has
to know what he or she is dealing with. When they do, they enter codependency recovery for
themselves,which further increases the potential for success. Yes, they will be upset. But telling
the truth is an important step in restoring trust. In an extended follow-up study by Debra Corley
and Jennifer Schneider, 96 percent of soouses and 93 percent of addicts said that making full
disclosure benefitted their recovery. The survey also revealed that it is best to make full disclosure
in one setting. To dole out information a little bit at a time actually created further hurt and eroded
trust. Remember that soouses only need general categories, not the details. The exception to that
rule is that partners need all the data if it affects them directly. Examples would be if they were
exposed to disease or if the sexual acting out was with a close friend of theirs.
Children—Car| Jung, the same man who told Bill W. about passing on the story—made
an important statement about parenting. He said that the most important gift a parent can give
children is to tell them about their dark side. Telling children about your struggles helps them
developmentally to have a realistic picture of what it means to be human. They need this disclosure

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 5 |155
from you. The key issue here, however, is timing. Disclosure is best when they are old enough to
understand sexual issues, and that means they should be at least in their teen years. Again, no
details are needed, just general categories. You will find in most cases kids are very concerned
about their parents, and they will be supportive. Disclosure also opens up the path of therapy and
recovery for them. On many occasions | have sat in family sessions where parents and offspring
have had more in common than they ever imagined.
Extended Family— Siblings, parents, cousins, and other extended family members can
all be part of the disclosure process. In this case, your decision should be based on your sense
of safety. If you think it would be useful for extended family members to know, and if you feel safe
talking about your recovery, then tell them. One person getting into recovery has transformed
whole families. You all may find that you have more in common than you know.
Business —Here the issue is more complicated and you have to exercise careful judgment
as to whom it’s safe to talk with. Many Employee Assistance Professionals are quite well trained in
sex addiction and can actually help your process. A rigid, judgmental boss, however, might not be
the best person with whom to disclose. If people you work with are to Know, it’s very important that
they be educated about sex addiction first.
There are several principles that can guide your decision:

1. Always make sure you are feeling solid and supported. You do not have to do
this alone. Make sure you can connect with someone in your group before and
after disclosure.
2. Difficult disclosure is best done with a therapist you trust. A professional can help
contain and focus the process so that it maximizes healing.
3. Expect that people will be upset and have strong reactions and feelings— especially
spouses. Be prepared for this. And remember not to be reactive yourself. Your job is to
supply information. Stay with your plan.
4. Beclear about what you wish to disclose and why. Make sure you review this with
others so your expectations are realistic.
5. Disclosure works best when the person you are disclosing to also has support. Difficult
disclosure does not go well for either party when done alone.
6. Disclosure also works better when there is at least a working knowledge of what sex
addiction is, and this often requires some education prior to disclosure.

Disclosure teaches many lessons. First, you learn that you have control over what you
disclose and when you disclose it. This means putting your zipper on the inside. Establishing such
boundaries is different than having a secret life. Boundaries allow you to be fully known by those
close to you while still using discretion. Second, disclosure teaches you that you can prepare for
conflict by getting support from those who understand you and sex addiction. You do not have

156 |Chapter 5 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
to be driven into despair. Disclosure becomes a process, albeit painful, from which you can learn
and grow. If you disclose from a solid position, you can also appreciate the harm you have caused.
Finally, when you realize that people do not leave you, you begin to appreciate your own worth.
The following exercise will help you clarify what to tell to whom. Complete it and share with
your therapist and your consultants.

Disclosure Plan
List ten persons to whom you need to disclose facts about your sex addiction. After each,
be specific about what you wish to tell and what your goal is in telling them. Review your secret list
(Chapter 1) and your First Step information (Chapters 2 through 4) to see if you need to do more.
Record when you will do this and where your support will come from. Remember, you do not have
to complete this whole list. Rather, just use the format for those appropriate for you. You may need
additional paper for some individuals.

1. Person:

Material to be disclosed:

Payoff:

Timing:

Support from:

2. Person:

Material to be disclosed:

Payoff:

Timing:

Support from:

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 5 |157
 3. Person:

Material to be disclosed:

Payoff:

Timing:

Support from:

4. Person:

Material to be disclosed:

Payoff:

Timing:

Support from:

5. Person:

Material to be disclosed:

Payoff:

Timing:

Support from:

158 |Chapter 5 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 6. Clef ee 1 2)Seen Yo) fr. Se inl Ie Cs ees! ee ae eee

Material to be disclosed:

cy Clee Sater s Mer For! aaa) 1 ee ee ee. Ss, 2) 2 Oo eee

Timing:

Support from:

7. Person:

Material to be disclosed:

Payoff:

Timing:

Support from:

8. Person:

Material to be disclosed:

Payoff:

Timing:

Support from:

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 5 |159
 9. Person: a
eee

Moetenaito be disclosed’. a eS eee

Pe eee ee en ee 28 ae ee ee

Timing:

Support from:

10. Person:

Material to be disclosed:

Payoff:

Timing:

Support from:

Review your plan with your therapist, your sponsor, and your group. Solicit suggestions
about your plan. Remember that you are doing all that you can. The rest is beyond your control.

Restoration of Trust
Addicts ask, “How do | restore trust?” First, let’s look at what you should not do. Making
protestations of how much you love your partner will not get you much at this point. Nor will fervent
promises of good behavior. Nor, buying or doing things that had long been asked for. Promises and
“| love you's” can, in fact, bring ridicule and shame. The most important step you can take now is
to be truthful and to listen. Acknowledging how sorry you are is appropriate. Being defensive or
blaming is like pouring gasoline on the fire. It works better to really understand how deeply you have
hurt people. The goal is not to fill yourself with shame, but rather to develop resolve for change.
What makes a difference to people is what they see you do. If they see a deep commitment
to change, they will most often join you and eventually take pride in what you have done. Begin by
stopping your behaviors. They will see the change as you go to meetings, work on your therapy,
and make sacrifices to make recovery work. That is when they will start to trust. Therein lies the
tremendous irony in this process. People start to trust addicts when the addicts start to trust
themselves. Those in your life intuitively know the process is working.

160 |Chapter 5 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 Most people who ask about how to restore trust are concerned with a marriage or primary
relationship. Within these relationships, trust starts to be earned with the pain of disclosure. When
partners realize they are hearing the truth, credibility begins to return. Here are some guidelines
drawn from the experiences of many people who have gone through this process:

Give it a lot of time. Most recovering people say this is the most difficult, but also the
most important thing they learned. Phrases like patience, go slow, and a day at a time
were very useful. This reflects the old Al-Anon adage: do nothing major the first year.
Be willing to lose it in order to get it. Both partners must resolve not to give up
parts of themselves in order to keep the other from leaving. If you can be fully who you
are and your partner does not leave, you have something truly valuable. Fidelity to self
is the ultimate act of faithfulness to the other.
Restore self first. If you do the repair work that you yourself need, your perceptions of
the relationship will change dramatically. Most people’s unhappiness in their relationship
is about themselves and not about their partners. You have to trust yourself before you
can trust the other.
Accept the illness in the other. Start by acknowledging at the deepest level of
yourself that you both are powerless and fully involved in the illness. This will be as
difficult for your partner as it will be for you.
Admit mistakes promptly. Avoid blame. Work to be honest and accurate, not to
prove who is right. Self-righteousness inevitably kills intimacy.
Share spirituality. Explore ways to be spiritual together. You have to find the meaning
in your suffering, and doing so together can dramatically shift your perspective as
a couple.
Use the amends steps. Steps Eight and Nine of the Twelve Steps teach us to make
amends by expressing regret for what we have done and doing something to make
up for it. Use this approach as a model for daily living. Reverse the blame dynamic by
taking responsibility for pain you have inflicted on the other. Do what you can to make
up for it.
Remember, it’s never going to be perfect. Just as the ultimate partner does not
exist, neither does the ultimate relationship. Accepting human limits in ourselves helps
us in being generous with our loved ones.
Be with other recovering couples. Attend open meetings together. Join fellowships
of couples such as Recovering Couples Anonymous. Go on couple's retreats and
workshops. Support other couples and socialize with them.
Have fun together. All work (on recovery) with no play makes for great intensity, not
intimacy. Closeness comes from shared common experiences— especially the fun
ones. Remember, play is, in its own way, an act of trust.

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 5 |161
The Trust Process
Addicts experience despair after acting out. It was not worth it. And they promise
themselves that they will never do it again. When they act out again, they have not even kept the
promise made to themselves, let alone promises made to others. This repeated disappointment
undermines the trust addicts have for themselves. They simply are not doing what they intend.
They can even tell themselves that this will have a bad end. And it does. Then they say “I! wish |
would have listened to myself.” Because we look at others with the same lens with which we view
ourselves, addicts will believe no one else is trustworthy either.
Things start to change in recovery with damage control and disclosure. Addicts begin
taking responsibility for personal behavior. In addition addicts stop acting out and go through
the pain of withdrawal. Literally, the line is drawn in the sand. No more slipping. Once they have
success doing those things, the shame dissipates. They start to trust themselves. Robert Bly once
remarked that growing up is making your body do what it does not want to. Most addicts have not
been able to develop normally and so the normal maturation process starts. They start doing what
they say they will. And they feel good about themselves. Up until this point they have been filled
with shame and have made decisions on the basis of what people will think of them. Now they are
making decisions on the basis of what is right for them.
This is the turning point. Henri Nouwen, the famous theologian, described this process as
the “conversion of loneliness to solitude.” Addicts who spent years running from themselves now
start to have a relationship with themselves. This means they have a compassion for themselves
which results in self-care. Nouwen further points out that this ability to be true to self creates a new
trust of others. They now can let others care for them. Once they trust others, they then also start
to trust a Higher Power. People who have trouble trusting a God often have significant trust issues.
Nouwen says there are essentially three movements in a spiritual life starting with trust of self,
followed by trust of others, which transforms into a trust in God.
The Twelve Step program also mirrors that process. When addicts first come to the
program they admit how wounded they are. This is in the form of the First Step. By doing this, they
also break the old rules of the addictive paradigm that say never admit how bad it is and never
ask for help. As you will remember, this is part of the rule set that kept the addict in first order
change. While sponsors and group mates cannot reparent the addict, their care and constancy do
accelerate the healing of the relationship deficits of the family of origin. The Second and Third Steps
ask the recovering person to trust that a Higher Power will help them. For many, at first the group
becomes the Higher Power. Eventually they start to “trust the process” and recognize there are
larger forces at work in their recovery. This is how the second order change starts which radically
alters the rules (belief system or paradigm) the addict lives by. The Second and Third Steps help the
addict move from the provisional beliefs with which we started the chapter to a new life based on a
recovery paradigm.

162 |Chapter 5 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 This transition also lays the foundation for a new sexuality. Although sex addicts have
tremendous amounts of sexual experience, it was sex that was not about who they were. It was
simply sex. Passion really extends from the self and requires a level of trust and letting go that is
very much in the spirit of Steps One, Two, and Three. Sex is a nurturing experience which can only
happen when you allow people to know you and to care for you.
Use the Steps. They are a proven recipe for spiritual wholeness. Remember that the
program started with the realization that without the spiritual component, recovery could not
happen. Decide a spiritual life is essential, not an option. While there are lots of resources for doing
a Second and Third Step (some of which are listed in the recommended reading for this chapter),
here are some suggestions for sex addicts who wish to cultivate a new spiritual life:

Find guides. Listen to others share their spiritual experiences and ask how healing
happened in their lives. Brokeness, failure, and tragedy have helped many find parts of
themselves they had not known. Most also started with anger or fear, skepticism
or detachment.
Separate religion from spirituality. Many come with “baggage” about religious
institutions that damaged or constricted their growth. Resentment about these
experiences can cast shadows over genuine spiritual development. Organizations and
institutions are not ends in themselves but should be designed to help you have a
spiritual life and build a spiritual community. Use only those which help.
Connect with nature. Spirituality starts with a sense of marvel at our existence and at
the wonders of creation—other living things, the oceans, mountains, forests, deserts,
and weather. Go for a walk. Watch stars. Take care of a pet. Notice your body. Play
with children. Then connect these miracles with what else you see around you.
Make a daily effort. Key to spiritual life is constancy. Daily rituals that anchor your
sense of stability helo you achieve incremental spiritual growth. Then when leaps of faith
are required and stress overwhelms you, a reservoir of accumulated strength awaits.
Find ways to promote reflection. Spirituality is about what is meaningful to you.
What gives your life value. Find strategies that help you to reflect on meaning and value.
Inspirational writing, daily meditation books, liturgy, prayer, journals, yoga exercises, and
letter writing are the kinds of things that need to be part of your daily rituals. These also
help you make sense out of special spiritual events.
Surrender. All inner journeys start with an “emptying” of self—a fact reflected in all
religious traditions. Addicts begin recovery with an admission of powerlessness and live
their lives according to the principle of “letting go.” Serenity, according to the prayer, is
doing all you can and accepting that that is enough.

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 5 |163
 = Heal the sexual/spiritual split. Much damage has been done on sexuality in
the name of religion. The result inhibits progress on both planes. To heal, start by
acknowledging that sexuality is about meaning and that spirituality is about meaning.
Search for areas of commonness between the two. Be gentle with yourself about old
torturous conflicts. They are not about you. They never were.

Recommended Reading
Patrick Carnes, Out of the Shadows. 2nd edition, pages 115-164. Sexual Anorexia,
pages 103-132.
Gary Zukav, The Seat of the Soul, New York, Simon and Schuster, 1989. Especially the
chapter on addiction, pages 148-179.
John Bradshaw, Healing the Shame that Binds You. Deerfield Beach, Florida, Health
Communications, Inc. 1985.
Ralph Earle, and Gregory Crow, Lonely All the Time: Recognizing, Understanding, and
Overcoming Sex Addiction, For Addicts and Co-Dependents. New York, The Philip Lief Group,
Inc., 1989.
Henri Nouwen, J.M., Reaching Out. New York, Harper and Row Publisher, 1983.

164 |Chapter 5 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 Chapter 6 What is Sobriety?
Managing Life without
Dysfunctional Sexual Behavior
| will take the ring although | do not know the way.
—Frodo in J.R.R.Tolkien's Lord of the Rings

IN ONE OF THE BEGINNING SCENES of J.R.R. Tolkien’s great epic, Lord of the Rings,
the wizard Gandalf challenges the hobbit Frodo to bring back peace to the land by returning the
magic ring back to the land of Mordor. The return of the ring is the key to freedom from the tyranny
of the evil magician Sauron. Gandalf holds out the ring for Frodo to accept the quest. Frodo feels
a penetrating chill, which he immediately knows has been sent from Mordor to distract him from
accepting the challenge. This evil sent by Sauron is designed to paralyze Frodo and render him
incapable of responding to Gandalf. He musters all the courage he can and slowly raises his hand
to accept the ring. He hears his own voice, though it seems far away. He says to Gandalf, “I will
take the ring although | do not know the way.” Then begins Frodo’s great quest that brings so
much good to so many.
All the great stories of human courage start with the hero or the heroine not knowing how
to do it, but starting anyway. So it is with recovery. In the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, there
is a famous phrase, “Some of us exclaimed, it is too great a task.” That is roughly akin to the cold
chill from Mordor. It is the addiction trying to paralyze the addict from taking action. The people
who succeed are the ones who start even though they do not know the way. Part of the benefits of
the quest is what they learn as they do it. The point is, they start by taking action.
Taking action here is establishing sobriety. Another famous phrase from the Big Book is
being willing to “go to any lengths” to get sobriety. | remember two guys in the early days of sex
addiction recovery. They lived on the coast of Louisiana where there were no Twelve Step groups
for sex addiction. They decided to start a group in their own town. One of the guys went off to
treatment because he was so depressed. The other man put the word out through local churches
and therapists. Every Sunday night he would put on the coffee and set up the chairs in the meeting
room of a local church. No one came. He did that for five Sunday nights. Still no one came. On
the sixth Sunday the other man returned from treatment and came to the meeting. That night a
third man also came. Today that group has grown so much, it has split many times. They have an
annual retreat on an island off the coast. It started with one man who wanted recovery so bad he
kept coming even though no one else was there.

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 6 |165
 Sobriety rests on the internal decision that you are now going to do what it takes to make
it different. It helps to understand sobriety as a boundary problem in order to make the decision
work. Addicts typically have poor boundaries that result in poor impulse control. They learned in
their families somehow to take an easier and softer way. When the addiction took over, it became
habitual. The other part of the boundary problem is that they ended up doing things they did not
intend or even want to do. Lack of boundaries also made them easily exploited by others. For
many, sobriety is the first concrete expression of meaningful boundaries. Having a clear statement
about your abstinence allows you to start the journey back to being yourself.
In the previous chapter you learned the importance of having boundaries as part of
damage control. “Having the zipper on the inside,” “staying with a plan,” and “doing what you said
you would do” are all part of developing good boundaries. They are also key to the process of
reclaiming yourself. Sobriety is the next phase of boundary development and reclaiming yourself.
Your sexual acting out is really about boundary failure. Learning to set limits becomes a revolution
in a recovering person’s life. A clear sense of what matters to you governs yout life. Self-respect
returns. A new toughness emerges that gains the respect of others. And ironically, the toughness
brings a sense of peace never before experienced in your life.
There are a number of factors in the boundary failure. First, the addictive system has a
power and momentum of its own. Beliefs and delusion propel the addictive cycle. The resulting
unmanageability just intensifies the downward spiral. In the next chapter, we will explore how your
biology (and specifically your neurochemistry) has been altered by the addictive process. But, for
the moment, just consider that there also is a biological “momentum” once the addiction cycle is
engaged. All those sexual behaviors, which have kept you so driven, have a power of their own. So
all the promises you made to yourself to set limits (boundaries) failed. Part of recovery is to accept
that even the most disciplined people are powerless when they have an addiction.
In addition, most addicts have issues that compound the problem. They are principally
family-of-origin issues, but they often serve to strengthen the addictive system. They all impact
the ability of a person to set limits. They also are critical issues for being a healthy person:
achievement, self-esteem, self-care, accountability, realism, conscience, self-awareness, and
relationships. In therapy, professionals routinely see recurring patterns for sex addicts in each of
these areas that affect their ability to establish a relapse-free sobriety. Before exploring the basic
elements of sobriety, you need to understand how these issues might undermine your efforts.
While all these patterns might not be true for you, chances are some of them will fit.
Achievement. Iwo patterns of achievement stand out in sex addicts. One is a very
accomplished person who works extremely hard and is quite successful. These addicts are
doctors, attorneys, executives, clergy, and entrepreneurs. They share a commitment to excellence
and success that is so potent that they become driven people. Minimally, they are constantly so
stressed, they live in chaos and depletion. Maximally, they may have a problem with compulsive

166 |Chapter 6 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
working. They never have time for family or friends. Nor do they have time to reflect much on why
they are trying so hard. Their sense of worth is measured only by money, power, and recognition.
They often are reacting to parents who were very successful and they are trying to match it. Or
they are attempting to be better than others—such as their parents—or they’re seeking a “special
child” status or even are trying to settle some score. Their frenetic life usually is rooted in some
crazy loyalty to the family that results in overextension.
The recovery challenge is that they approach recovery as a short-term “to do’ list as
opposed to a process that has long-term goals or outcomes. It is a better way to live. | once
counseled a physician who spent the first three days of treatment using every spare moment
filling out the exercises in the Gentle Path through the Twelve Steps. He even did a couple all-
night efforts to complete the work. Of course, this is how he would study for medical school. He
thought he could fill in the blanks and he would have completed the work. He presented us with
the completed book and said he was ready to go home. It took him weeks to understand that he
had relationships to build, decisions to make, and feelings to express. At the end of treatment,
he laughed about how he had planned to make therapy a matter of filling in the blanks. But if
you are goal oriented, learning that it is just as important to look at how you get there is a major
accomplishment.
The further trouble is that sex addicts are used to living depleted and exhausted lives,
which lead to entitlement and poor self-care. Addiction is fueled by deprivation. Overextension,
depletion, chaos, and constant stress lead to depletion. Thus, when success is achieved, the
addict starts to crave an inordinate reward. Your values, consequences, reality—all that goes out
the window. “I did it, so now | deserve it” is the refrain. And when you are constantly pulling things
off, “I deserve it” becomes one of the anchors of the addictive system.
Underachievers are the flip side scenario of this pattern. Often, they come from families
that are very successful. Surrounded by success, the only way to succeed or even be noticed is
to fail. These addicts become the family “problem.” School, jobs, relationships, and responsibilities
go badly. The addict feels lots of shame and a curious loyalty emerges. As long as the addict is
the problem, no one has to notice the emptiness or the abuse in the family. So being a scapegoat
serves a function. In recovery, addicts with this pattern realize that the family is actually invested
in the addict staying in trouble. What would happen if they became very successful and happy?
Who in the family would suffer? In other words, as long as the fingers are pointed at the addict, no
else has to look at his or her behavior. Some even find their marriages have elements of the addict
being “a problem child.”
The further trouble here is that the pattern revolves around failure, problems, and
disappointment. In all the chaos, pain, and despair, addicts feel they deserve some relief. They feel
betrayed and victimized. And that is often true because they have not taken care of themselves,
so they are vulnerable to exploitation by people both inside and outside of the family. The net effect

Chapter 6 |167
Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
is, “Things are so bad, | deserve it.” Or, “So much has happened to me, | deserve it.” Or, “I feel
so bad, | deserve it.” No matter what, you deserve it. The overachievers and the underachievers
have the same result: they deserve it. In fact, some report having periods in life in which they
combined both—when something bad happened, they deserved to act out and when something
good happened, they deserved to act out. Finally, it reaches the point where something only has
to happen and you feel you deserve it. The constant is convincing yourself you deserve it. Feeling
that you deserve it is one of the surest roads to relapse. Sobriety will require you to look at how you
respond to achievement and success and where that fits in to your recovery.
Self-Esteem. Children should be made to feel special. Yet, in some families specialness
becomes problematic. A child can become favored over others, or be protected from
consequences, or exempted from rules or tasks. The child can become what therapists call a
“surrogate spouse,” which means being a confidant or helper to the parent in things a spouse
should do. The other parent may be absent, abusive, addicted, or deceased. The kid becomes
“the man of the house” or “my little woman.” Kenneth Adams’ book Silently Seduced: When
Parents Make their Children Partners— Understanding Covert Incest has been very helpful to
recovery from this form of emotional incest. Because of this specialness, addicts may have been
catered to and, as a result, are not conscious of others. They can become very self-absorbed
with meeting their own needs. They have a minimal sense of their impact on others. They place
themselves consistently at the center of things. In its most extreme forms, we call this narcissism
or narcissistic personality disorder. Remember Narcissus was the Greek mythological figure who
became obsessed with his own image. From a sex-addiction-relapse perspective, it is very difficult
to maintain sobriety if you are not aware of your own limits or your impact on others.
The flip side is also true. Some kids did not feel special. In fact, their self-esteem was
eroded through abuse and neglect. Because they feel unworthy, they sabotage things when they
could go well. They do not believe that they deserve success or attention. They are programmed
for failure. Their attempts to do well are undermind with self-fulfilling prophecies about not making
it. We do become what we envision. If you do not believe that you can make sobriety work, it will
elude you.
Either being self-absorbed or filled with shame causes the same result: a distorted picture
of your place in the universe. For sobriety to occur, you must develop an appreciation for yourself
that is not overinflated or overdeflated. If you fit in either category try this: Take one hour and make
three lists. Start with a list of events in your life in which you genuinely could take pride. Compare
that with a list of times you programmed or “talked yourself” into failure. These are times when your
own feelings of worthlessness kept you from doing what you needed. Also draw up a list of events
when your preoccupation with self hurt those you care about. On the basis of these lists, make a
quick list of your strengths and your limitations. You will eventually do this very thoroughly in the
Fourth Step. Here, it is to provide perspective on what risks exist to your staying sober. You might

168 |Chapter 6 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 wish to learn about using affirmations. Essentially, affirmations help reprogram you so you can
accept the lovable person you are. The path out of this is to find a way to affirm yourself from within
So you have a realistic and confident sense of yourself. (See Recommended Readings.)
Accountability. Addicts typically resist being accountable. They resist being accountable
because of how rigid or controlling their families were. Most feel that if they caved in to others’
demands, they would lose their identity. That probably is an accurate perception, because in most
families they would have a hard time developing a separate sense of themselves. Good parents
accept the fact that kids do not want to do what their parents tell them, and they love them
anyway. They are willing to struggle and show kids the benefits of doing what you have to do. Part
of being grown up is making your body do what it does not want to do. Kids learn the meaning
of “no.” They can do this for themselves and they can do it with others. And they know their
parents love them. And these parents are also accountable to their kids. For example, they admit
their mistakes to their children. Children grow up knowing that it is okay to be imperfect, that it is
important to be responsible, and that saying no is the first step in learning self-limitation.
Many addicts miss these core lessons. First, there are those who are never accountable.
They do not do what they say they will. They do not admit their mistakes. They do not let anyone
know what they really do with their time, their money, or their actions. Another category includes
those who are accountable in appearance. In fact, many addicts are very disciplined publicly with
reputations for hard work and integrity. Yet, they have a secret life. They may have learned this is a
way to escape the control and shaming ways of their family. Or maybe they learned it by watching
the adults in their family. The net effect is that on the outside they are accountable, but if no one
knows what they do, they are willing to do things that violate what they truly value. In business, the
phrase is “keeping a separate set of books” —one for show and the secret one.
Sobriety works only if there is total accountability. Your group, your therapist, and your
sponsor become important links to accountability. A second set of books simply will not work.
There have to be people in your life who know everything and who will challenge you.
Self-Care. Neglect is a common problem in the history of sex addicts. Busy or uncaring
parents who do not take the time to help kids and show them how to live life really are neglecting
their children. The children, in turn, fail to internalize skills in taking care of themselves. They do
not do things to protect themselves from harm and so are vulnerable to be exploited by others.
They often see things they should do or prevent—and when disaster occurs, they kick themselves
saying, “Why didn’t | do something about that when | knew better?” They neglect their own bodies
and welfare. In short, they do not love themselves enough to go the extra length for good self-care.
For these people sobriety is difficult because it requires a whole reorientation. They have to take
care of themselves or relapse will happen.
Other addicts lived with parents who did everything for them. They did not learn how to do
things for themselves, expecting it to be done for them. | have seen this in very wealthy families,

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 6 |169
in which “nanny kids” have every whim met—but still were not convinced of their parents’ love. |
have also seen parents of very modest means who protect and cater to kids, who, ironically, also
feel unloved. The bottom line is grandiose entitlement. Everything is negotiable. No consequences
really hit. No matter what the addict does someone rescues him or her. They may even be
outraged if no one does rescue them. They also are upset when things are not done for them. If
they do not do what they need to do for themselves, they always say they tried. Recovery is a rude
awakening here as well. No one can do your sobriety for you. Like Yoda says to Luke Skywalker in
the movie The Empire Strikes Back, “Do or not do, there is no try.” Sobriety requires self-care. And
you must do it for yourself.
Self-care means you do not put yourself in jeopardy. You do the regular things that maintain
your health, including flossing when you brush your teeth. You consistently exercise. You avoid
depletion. You let your friends do kind things for you. You figure out nice things to do for yourself.
You take your recovery very seriously, let your sponsor help you, and go to meetings. Neither
neglect nor entitlement works in sobriety.
Conscience. Some define conscience as the ability to follow the rules. To some degree
that is true. Some addicts have no remorse for their behavior even though they clearly hurt others.
In its most extreme cases, we use the term “sociopath” when there is no empathy for victims.
Usually this term is used with sex offenders. Yet, many sex addicts have this quality. Often, sex
addicts talk about not wanting to see someone again after seducing him or her. Or, in prostitution
or anonymous sex, part of the deal is no entanglements. Bottom line, this means no regard for
the other. This is not sociopathic behavior, but it does involve having no remorse for behavior that
contributes harm to others. Recovery means taking responsibility for your behavior.
Part of the pain of sex addiction for many sex addicts is that they have violated their value
system, and they are guilt driven. One of the essential drivers of the addiction cycle is the despair
after doing behavior you feel bad about. Addicts act out further in an effort to blot out the despair.
Torturing yourself for your behavior that was exploitive or thoughtless adds power to the addictive
process. The Twelve Steps help guide you through a process in which you do all you can to make
amends and learn how to make peace with yourself.
Conscience is really more than following the rules. We call that compliance. A conscience
determines that for which you will fight. If someone attacked someone you love, you would
immediately put everything at risk to protect your loved one. A conscience asks what you
are willing to put everything at risk for others —because it matters so much. A person with a
conscience comes to recognize that which matters. A recovering person draws a line in the sand,
saying this is what matters to me. | will do everything for this.
Reality. People describe a person who is realistic and pragmatic as having “common
sense.” In short, people who have common sense learn from their mistakes. One of the most
famous lines to come out of self-help literature is by M. Scott Peck in his book The Road Less

170 |Chapter 6 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth, in which he writes,
“Mental health is a commitment to reality at all costs.” A frequently quoted aphorism complements
that statement: “Insanity is doing the same self-destructive behavior over and over, and expecting
different results.” Common sense is the ability to see what works and what doesn’t. Learning from
your mistakes is essential to your mental health.
| am not talking about delusion and denial here, although impaired thinking certainly affects
this issue. | am referring to a deeper problem—that some people do not develop the ability to
learn from mistakes. Usually they come from families in which kids were not allowed to experience
consequences. They never had to figure out that many of their problems were brought on by
themselves. We do make our own happiness. And unhappiness. Some never learn common
sense. Recovery, however, is built on common sense.
Others do have common sense but choose to ignore it. This is the problem of willfulness.
Along with entitlement and grandiosity comes the addicts’ “| want what | want when | want it.” To
paraphrase an old Navy adage, “Damn the consequences, full soeed ahead.” Addicts are creative,
resourceful people who shrewdly figure out how to overcome intrusive reality. Yet, sooner or later
you have to learn from your mistakes and not rely on your damage-control skills. Recovery brings
the additional reality of your addiction, which means you have to be realistic and accepting of your
own limits.
Self-Awareness. Typical addicts do not know much about themselves. In part, this
is because of their beliefs around their own unworthiness. They feel so defective, they are
uncomfortable being in their own presence. So they distract themselves with compulsive busyness,
filling their lives with so much activity that there is no real interior life. They get uncomfortable with
being alone—minimally having to have the TV on or some distraction. Many addicts have reflected
that a fear of being alone was a significant factor in their behavior. Some addicts would either avoid
or procrastinate on anything that would have meant delving into their feelings, motivations, and
patterns. They even report mocking therapy and self-help. It simply was too painful. It was easier to
dismiss any type of self-reflection as silly or useless.
Sobriety comes only with painful self-realization. Addiction is fundamentally a means to
escape the internal turmoil. The core of therapy and Twelve Step work is developing a functional
relationship with yourself. It is “the conversion of loneliness into solitude” referred to in the
earlier chapters. In order for that to happen, you must use ways of reflecting on your recovery
work. Readings, meditations, journaling, Step work—whatever you do, you must have sources
of personal reflection built into your life. Further, there must be regular periods of down time
to do the reflecting. Rest. No activity. Just being with yourself. These “windows of time” are
incredibly important to your ability to sort out. Recovery groups use a phrase that John Bradshaw
popularized about becoming human “beings” versus human “doings.” There is an essential rhythm
to life you have to observe that is part of accepting your human limits. Rest. Stephen Covey refers

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 6 |171
to it as one of the essentials of effective people. He calls it “sharpening the saw.” One of the best
books on this part of life is by Wayne Muller, called Sabbath: Restoring the Sacred Rhythm of Rest.
Rest and reflection are key to an “examined?” life.
Relationships. Addicts have incomplete relationships at best. Most addicts struggle with
isolation. They have to handle things on their own. No one knows how much they struggle. No
way out of the shame exists for the addict who lets no one in. Ironically, many addicts are very
social, but they hide the vulnerable parts of their lives. No one gets the whole picture. Along with
accountability, one has to experience the acceptance and help of others in order to heal. It is the
experience of other people that makes your self-acceptance work. One way to make sure sobriety
is second-order change versus first-order change is to stay connected with people who know the
whole story.
Affect. Therapists use the word “affect” to describe our emotional lives. Just as we need
intellectual skills such as problem solving, we need emotional skills such as handling anxiety and
expressing our feelings. Addicts have “disordered affect,” which means they do not handle their
emotions well. People who are new to recovery often tell me that they struggle to have feelings. In
many ways, they were punished for having feelings. In some families it simply was not acceptable
to have an emotional life. So to survive, your feeling life was shut down. Or it may have just been
the family norm not to express feelings. Or some people who are very smart learned to rely only
on their ability to think and neglected the development of their feelings and intuitions. Perhaps the
biggest reason is that life was just so painful, it was simply easier to numb everything. Numbing out
is one of the benefits of addiction. It keeps the feelings at bay.
Others overreact. Simple things escalate into intense emotional drama. Addicts are
particularly prone to using rage to manipulate and intimidate. This rage becomes a self-indulgent
extension of “| deserve it” or “I want what | want when | want it!” Volatile, romantic, and intense
relationships become a venue for emotional roller-coaster scripts of disappointment and
excitement. The turmoil obscures the anxiety and the emotions underlying the dramatic scenes.
Whether high drama or numbness, the core feelings remain unacknowledged. Recovering
people often have to start by labeling the most basic feelings of joy, pain, sadness, anger, and fear.
That way they start to have clarity about what they are feeling. They learn basic strategies around
anxiety, such as learning to stay in the here and now, as opposed to stirring themselves up by
obsessing about the past or the future. The principles of “letting go” summarized in the Serenity
Prayer become a life stance to deal with anxiety and control.

172 |Chapter 6 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 The Sobriety Challenges

Underachieving despair - Distorted Achiev Overachieving depletion

Self-defeating shame Compromised Se and chaos
Not accountable = Lack of oe : Self-absorbed obsession
Profound self-neglect Problematic Self-Care Secret life
No remorse impaired Conscience _ Grandiose entitlement
No common sense Faulty Realism ‘ee Guilt driven
Avoidance/procrastination | Limited Self-Awareness Common sense ignored
Isolation Incomplete Relationships Compulsive busyness
Shut down feelings/ Disordered Affect Feelings : Hidden parts of self
numbness Indulgent rage, drama,
intensity

Figure 6.1

The Sobriety Challenges

Figure 6.1 summarizes challenges to sobriety. Notice that each issue can fundamentally
affect a person’s ability to set limits and boundaries. You may have also noticed that you fit in more
than one category and that sometimes you fit both extremes within a category. That would be very
normal for addicts. These are the most common issues. Addicts tend to come from dysfunctional
families. As they grow up, they learn to cope in the extremes. By working on these issues, addicts
notice that the very groundwork of their lives change. They start to see that sex is not the enemy—
it is the underlying dynamic that provides the addictive system with its power. Part of recovery will
be discovering what sexuality is. For all the endless diversity and sexual experience sex addicts
have had, they actually do not know much about themselves sexually. Remember that if it was not
sex, more than likely it would be something else. In fact, it is usually a collage of addictions and
deprivations, as we shall see in the next chapter.
The proven recipe to deal with these issues is quite simple. Summarized, the recovery
essentials are:

® Do only what is important.

= Reward yourself for good work.
= Affirm yourself.
= Be accountable.
= Take care of yourself.

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 6 |173
 = Know what matters.
= Learn from mistakes.
= Rest and reflect.
=™ Connect to those who know your story.
# Allow pain, joy, fear, and anger.
=» Stay present.
# Accept that sex is not the enemy.
™ Seek your sexual self.
™ Have boundaries with self and others.

| am often approached by people having difficulty achieving sobriety. They tell me that they
have a relapse prevention plan, that they go to meetings, and that they work the program. First |
verify whether that is true—i.e., they have a sponsor, are working Steps, are doing service work
and other signs of active involvement. Usually what | find is that the inability to stop is rooted in
one of the above challenges to sobriety. All the plans in the world will not help if you do not see the
underlying challenges. However, by clarifying those underlying issues and how they might limit your
ability to establish boundaries in sobriety, you will be ready to define what sobriety is. That is our
next task. Before starting, complete the following sobriety challenges worksheet and discuss it with
your therapist and sponsor.
Also consult the Recommended Readings at the conclusion of this chapter.

Sobriety Challenges Worksheet

Listed below are each of the challenges addicts have to establishing sobriety. Within each
challenge there are extremes listed with a scale of one to five. One means not a problem and five
means a severe problem. Rate yourself in each category. In some categories you may find yourself
high on both extremes. Beneath each scale, record examples of your behaviors and specify how
this behavior pattern might sabotage your sobriety process.

Distorted Achievement |

Underachieving Despair : Overachieving Depletion and Chaos

174 |Chapter 6 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 Compromised Self-Image

Self-Defeating Shame : Self-Absorbed Obsession

: Lack of Accountability

Not Accountable : Secret Life

Problematic Self-Care

Profound Self-Neglect : Grandiose Entitlement

: Impaired Conscience

No Remorse : Guilt Driven

Chapter 6 |175
Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 Faulty Realism

No Common Sense Common Sense Ignored

Limited Self-Awareness

Avoidance/Procrastination Compulsive Busyness

Incomplete Relationships 2 :

Isolation Hidden Parts of Self

Disordered Affect Feelings

Shutdown Feelings/Numbness : Indulgent Rage, Drama, Intensity

176 |Chapter 6
Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recover
y
Reflections on the Recovery Essentials
The following worksheet will help you more clearly understand just what the “recovery essentials”
can mean for you. Respond to the questions in the space provided.

Do what is important. What important matters are being neglected in your life? What distractions
from important priorities do you currently allow in your life?

Reward yourself for good work. What have you done well lately that you have not yet rewarded
yourself for? Why have you allowed this to happen?

Affirm yourself. Write down some affirming statements from you to you. Make the statements a
genuine compliment for tasks you are doing well. How does it feel to do this? Why those feelings?

Be accountable. In what ways have you been accountable recently? In what ways have you had
lapses in accountability?

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 6 |177
Take care of yourself. What recent examples of self-care can you report? What recent
opportunities for self-care have you missed?

Know what matters. Have you recently gone out of your way or taken an unpopular stand
because something mattered to you? Or, have there been times when you did not stand up for
something important to you? Explain.

Learn from mistakes. Are there certain mistakes you still make? Why?

Rest and reflect. Do you have regular periods of rest in your life that you and others can count
on? If not, why not?

178 |Chapter 6 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
Connect to those who know your story. Who are the people in your life who truly know
everything that is going on with you? When was the last time you were in touch with each of them?

Allow pain, joy, fear, and anger. Have you avoided any feelings lately? Which ones? What was
the occasion? Why did you avoid them? What can you do about this now?

Stay present. Are there any recent occasions in which you missed what was currently happening
because you were absorbed by thinking about the past or the future or by preoccupation with
work, stress, or sexual fantasy? What sense do you make of those moments now?

Accept that sex is not the enemy. Have you had any moments of sexual self-hatred lately?
Regrets about being a sexual person? Wishes that you did not have sexual feelings? What do you
think caused these feelings?

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 6 |179
Seek your sexual self. List one thing you've learned about your sexuality since starting recovery.
What do you think is the “next frontier” for you sexually?

Have boundaries with self and others. Has there been a recent boundary collapse in your life’?
What did you learn as a result?

Establishing Sobriety
Curt would start with pornographic videos. Once he was somewhat excited, he would get
in his car and start cruising the part of his city in which many of the strip clubs were concentrated.
Curt would stop at adult bookstores and buy videos. Then he would stop at several of the clubs.
While watching the dancers, he would call an escort service and arrange to meet a woman
in a motel. After sex with her, he would think of the risks he took as a married man and as a
professional person (Curt was an elected official). He would promise himself never to do it again.
Yet within a few days, he would tell himself that he just wanted to look at the videos for a little bit.
Watching the videos were not public or risky—just entertaining. And sometimes he would just
watch and masturbate. Yet inevitably watching the videos led to a desire to cruise in his car—just
to see what was happening in the street. Curt would rationalize that he could simply not go into
the strip clubs. Yet he always would. Sometimes in the strip club, he would hold out before making
the phone call. He held on to the delusion that he was still in control. There were even occasions
when he would tell himself he would give the woman money and simply go home. That never
happened either.
Eventually a bunch of things happened all in one day. First, from his family physician he
received a diagnosis of hepatitis C—a serious sexually transmitted disease. In the afternoon, he
was called by the outcall/escort service he used most often. They had his name, phone number,
and address. They wanted to talk business, which turned out to be a blackmail threat. And the
worst, his wife, Joan, was listening in on the conversation. This was a bad day for the addict but

180 |Chapter 6 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
a good day to begin recovery. Curt started by being partially honest with his wife. The prostitute
was a onetime event that he did because their sex life had been so sparse. Further, he revealed his
hepatitis C diagnosis, telling her he had contracted it during this onetime event.
Curt knew he was in enough trouble to seek help. He went to see a therapist named Jack.
His therapist listened to the whole story and then very carefully reconstructed how many times this
had happened over the previous year. Curt was very surprised to realize he had been sexual with
forty-seven women in the previous year, or about once every week. Further, Jack pointed out that
the masturbation with videos occurred every two to three days. Together, Jack and Curt figured
out that he was averaging about four hundred dollars on each prostitute and about sixty dollars a
video. Net cost for the year was in the neighborhood of twenty-seven thousand dollars.
Jack asked Curt to agree to bring in all of his videos and not to use them anymore. Nor
was he to go into the parts of town where the strip clubs and adult bookstores were. If he had
to be in that area, he had to arrange for someone to be with him. Jack was helping Curt develop
boundaries for himself. In one of their sessions, they did a ceremony around destroying the videos.
Curt was caught in predictable addictive cycles. Eliminating the videos and cruising bypassed the
triggers for the acting out. Curt was beginning to establish sobriety.
Curt came to accept that he was a sex addict, disclosed everything to his wife, went to
meetings, and had a sponsor. Jack surprised him in session one day by asking Curt to consider
a period of celibacy. He said it would help Curt learn about himself and his sexuality. Curt found
it very upsetting. So did his wife, who had been very stung by Curt saying that he had acted out
because they were not sexual enough. She was afraid that if they stopped, Curt would use it as
an excuse to start again. So they came in to talk to Jack together. Jack explained that to take a
vacation from sex would enhance both their sexuality and their therapy. Being celibate awakened
interest in each other sexually for both Jack and his wife, Joan. That is when they started learning
about what sex really was.
Usually sobriety starts with a sponsor or therapist asking the addict to stop a specific
dysfunctional, destructive, or dangerous behavior. As in Curt’s case, this usually takes the form of
a contract that the addict refrain from specific sexual activities. Fairly early in recovery, addicts will
also commit to a period of celibacy. Usually this lasts from eight to twelve weeks and includes all
forms of erotic activity, including sex with self. Some recovering people extend that time because
the lessons are so useful. Here are the reasons for a celibacy period:

= Often times there are so many complications due to the addict’s unmanageability, it
provides a cooling-off period in which to do damage control.
=# The addict who learns to handle emotions without any sexual crutch becomes more
available for therapy.
= Therapists have noticed that repressed childhood memories start to emerge during a
period of celibacy.

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 6 |181
 A celibacy period has long been used by therapists as a way to stimulate healthy
sexual interest.
Celibacy provides an important context for defining what sobriety is, what relapse is,
and what healthy sex is.

The goal of celibacy is not to create sexual anorexia, but rather to provide important
perspective on reclaiming sexuality, which has been lost amidst the cycles of addiction and
anorexia. Curt discovered the impact his dad had on his sexuality by sharing his pornography
with Curt, starting when he was eleven. He learned to label that as a form of child abuse. Joan
discovered that she had shut down sexually starting with a series of date rapes in her teens.
When Curt became distant because of work and addiction, he paralleled the experience she had
had with the man who had assaulted her. But she thought this happened to all women. Both had
“normalized” these events. Now they had to face the deeper issues in their lives, including what It
meant to be aman and a woman.
When beginning a period of celibacy, the following suggestions may help:

View it as a time-out, not an end. A celibacy period will provide you space to refocus on
other needs. It is not a sentence, not the end of your sexuality. On the contrary, celibacy
will make you fully aware of your sexual self.
Work through commitment issues with your partner. The decision to be celibate will
affect your partner. Respecting your partner means involving him or her in your thinking,
sO you can commit together to the celibacy period.
Get support from your therapist, Soonsor, and group. You will need their guidance and
help to maximize the experience. Being open with those in your support network will
helo you to implement your plan.
Expect that it will raise issues. For many, this change is drastic and places life issues in
sharp relief. Make this a goal and not a surprise.
Understand that resistance is typical. You may experience anger and resentment at
first. This isn’t surprising. We seldom embark gracefully on any ordeal that involves
significant change and insight.
Prepare yourself to experience new feelings. The new feelings that emerge will be
guides to parts of yourself you need to reclaim. As uncomfortable as these feelings may
be, they will serve as significant allies in helping you become all that you are.
Plan active tasks to enhance the experience. Select a specific Step to work on, work
on assignments from your therapist to help you accept nurturing and develop spiritual
and sexual awareness, and keep a journal about the experience.

182 |Chapter 6 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
Defining What Sobriety Is
Karen started being sexual on the Internet in the early nineties. Sne used email to talk with
friends of her husband and neighbors. The email relationships turned into affairs. Karen loved the
romance and intrigue of cybersex. That her wealthy husband was preoccupied with business and
civic activities made her angry, which added the momentum of getting even. One way to get even
was to have affairs with her spouse’s friends. She expanded her activities to trading nude pictures.
From there she started to collect pornography. All this came crashing down when her husband
discovered one of her affairs.
Karen entered recovery and did most of the right things: meetings, therapy, workshops,
and a sponsor. Yet she left out parts—like her compulsive masturbation. She did not want to give
it up nor did she consider it as hurting anyone. She also stayed in touch by email with a lover—the
very one her husband had told her that if she saw again, the marriage was over. Karen rationalized
contact by believing that it was not sexual. They were not sleeping together, so technically she was
sober. There came an evening when she was going to attend an event that her old lover was at.
Her group had suggested she take a friend with her so she would not be at risk. The group did not
know about the email contact. Karen reported that even though the friend was there, she had eye
contact with the old lover. From that moment on she was lost. The next day they saw each other
and had sex. Her husband also found out about their being together. He was already distrustful of
this recovery stuff and this blew all trust forever.
Karen’s emails were like Curt’s videos. They were the beginning of her acting-out scenario.
It is imperative to have the total picture of your addictive cycle in order to define your sobriety. To
simply say, “I will not have sex outside of marriage” is not enough. You have to map out carefully
the most likely ways you will act out and eliminate the roads that lead there. This process is called
“relapse prevention planning.” It starts with identifying the most likely scenarios of relapse and then
you specify what your sobriety is. Then you develop a plan to prevent relapse. Start by describing
the chain of events that go into your acting out.

Relapse Scenarios
The following worksheets are designed to help you identify the most likely way you would
act out again. If stuck, it might help you to review the work you did on your addictive cycles in
Chapter 2. Select the most probable ways you would set up acting out. In Figure 6.2, page 185,
the relapse scenarios for both Curt and Karen have been laid as if they were steps downward.
Recorded on each step is a behavior, event, or action that leads toward sexually compulsive
behavior. Underneath each step is an example of Curt’s or Karen’s self-talk. These are phrases they
would tell themselves to justify taking the next step. On page 186, map out each potential scenario
you know could bring you to relapse.

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 6 |183
 When you have completed each scenario, title the scenario. For example, Curt’s might
be “Path to Prostitution.” Karen’s could be “Email Nightmare.” We will use these titles in a
later chapter. Also complete the section in each scenario that calls for you to list the probable
preconditions. Include such factors as depletion, anger at spouse, completion of project, or
overwhelmed at work. Then return to the earlier section in this chapter on sobriety challenges. List
whatever issues you have identified as potential problems within yourself that could contribute to
this scenario. Thus, you would list such things as entitlement, compulsive busyness, isolation, or
ignoring common sense.
Finally, in the lower left-hand corner of the worksheet, there is a place for you to list the
probable outcomes. On the basis of your experience, what is most likely to happen because of
these events? Further, you are asked to specify what the risks are. What is the worst that could
have happened? When you have completed this analysis, share your work with your therapist,
group, and sponsor. After you complete the worksheet, do the exercise on “fire drills.” Then you will
be ready to proceed to the next section.in which you will write your sobriety statement. Use extra
sheets of paper if necessary.

184 |Chapter 6 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 Emails

“Only staying Karen

in touch”
Flirtation

“Meet my
needs with low | Masturbation
oy to fantasies
risk
“Not hurting
anyone—still Phone

“Relationship
only, not sexual” Seeing
each other

“More risky but

Still not sexual”
Acting out
Watching
videos

“No harm Curt

to anyone”
Cruising

“| can control it”

Bookstores/
clubs

“It is simply
entertainment” Watching
strippers

“Not touch-
ing—still
faithful” Call escort

“Could stop
still”
Acting out

Figure 6.2

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 6 |185
 Relapse Scenario Worksheet 1

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186 |Chapter 6 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
Relapse Scenario Worksheet 2

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Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 6 |187
 Relapse Scenario Worksheet 3
Scenario 1:

Probable preconditions present

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Self-talk

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188 |Chapter 6 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
Fire Drill Planning Sheet
A fire drill is an exercise in planning what to do in an emergency. In relapse prevention, fire
drill means what you will do if it looks as if you are about to relapse. To use the fire drill metaphor,
you see and smell the smoke and you know the fire is about to start. The fire drill is a routine set of
steps put into action immediately, should trouble be near. This is an automatic protection plan. The
success of the fire drill depends on three elements:

® aclear alarm (a good sign of trouble)

=™ very concrete steps to be taken
= aroutine way to practice the concrete steps __

Review the scenarios you have just completed. Complete the following exercise by listing symp-
toms or signs of trouble, specific action steps you can take, and ways you can practice (or drill) for
resisting relapse. Show this worksheet to your group, sponsor, and therapist. Ask them to critique
the steps you: have listed. Encourage them to be honest, and be willing to listen. It could make a
huge difference later. This extra effort on your part, along with the scenario worksheets, will help
you to be thorough in your sobriety definition.

Chapter 6 |189
Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
Fire Drill Planning Sheet
First, enter specific signs that there may be a relapse problem. Then describe action steps
you will take and indicate how you can practice the action steps. The success of the plan depends
on how specific you can make it.

Symptom or : : : .
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190 |Chapter ¢ Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
Sobriety Definition
A sobriety statement has three components. First, there is the abstinence list. These are
the behaviors that are part of your addiction. Part of your sobriety then is to abstain from these
behaviors. Curt, for example, would list watching pornographic videos, going to strip clubs, and
calling prostitutes. Second is the boundaries list. Here are the things you do not do because they
create a hazard to your recovery. It is best if these are very concrete. Curt simply does not go into
the part of town where he would act out—unless he is accompanied. If he does, that does not
mean he has relapsed. But to go there does not add to his recovery. Karen might include in her
boundaries list that she does not use email. Later she may revise it to using email only with women.
Finally, there is the sex and relationship plan that asks what you are working toward
sexually. Sobriety does not mean anorexia. It means to explore your sexuality in healthy ways.
One often hears a recovering person say jokingly, “That isn’t in my plan.” More than likely, they are
referring to some behavior on their abstinence list. Yet, the plan is not intended to be restrictive. It
is designed to map out sexual and relational areas to explore. This is a big project that will go far
beyond your initial list. In fact, when we wrote Sexual Anorexia: Overcoming Sexual Self-Hatred,
more than half the book is dedicated to the process of developing a healthy sexuality for addicts
and anorexics. It becomes an ongoing process. Yet, you have to start with an initial description of
what you would like to work on. As with the abstinence and the boundaries lists, your work needs
to be very specific.
Taken together, these three lists become your sobriety statement. It is reviewed and
discussed by your therapist, your group, and your sponsor. It becomes an agreed-upon contract
about how you will conduct your life. It can change. For example, you may discover new behaviors
that you need to add to the abstinence list or remove boundaries that are no longer necessary as
you become healthier. Your sex plan will definitely expand as your recovery matures. Over the years,
your sobriety statement (all three lists) will become a well-worn document that will serve you well.
Your sponsor or therapist may ask you to use the three-circle method of making these
lists. To do so, the addict takes a large piece of paper and draws three concentric circles. The
inner circle is the abstinence list, the middle circle is the boundaries list, and the outer circle is
the sex plan. Figure 6.3, p.192, illustrates what this looks like. Using a big piece of paper has
the advantage of having it all in one place so it is easy to show to others. It is a very helpful
way to do the work, affording a lot of space to work in. Other people can write comments and
encouragement on it as well.
In this workbook we separate the components. You will find on the following pages
worksheets for each segment of your sobriety definition. Feel free to choose either method. Or do
the three circles on the big sheet of paper as a worksheet, and distill it over the next pages.

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 6 |191
 Three-Circle Method

Abstinence List

Boundaries List

Sex Pla

Figure 6.3

192 |Chapter 6 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
Abstinence List
“Abstinence” means concretely defining behaviors that you will abstain from as part of your
recovery. To use one of these behaviors again means a slip; to continue it over a period of time
means a relapse. You identify these behaviors when you admit your powerlessness over them and
you specify your unmanageability. List as many behaviors as you need to. Be very specific and
concrete. Remember that addicts often amend, add to, or delete from their lists as circumstances
and recovery warrant. No change should be made, however, without consulting with your group,
sponsor, or therapist.

Example: No visits to strip joints, prostitution or outcall services, or pornography stores or theaters.

Your Abstinence As of (date):

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Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 6 |193
 Boundaries List
Boundaries are self-imposed limits that promote health or safety. They may involve
situations, circumstances, people, and/or behavior that you avoid because they are dangerous,
jeopardize your abstinence, or do not add to your recovery or your spirituality. Boundaries are
guides to help you toward health. Crossing over a boundary does not signify a relapse but, rather,
a need to focus again on priorities. List below boundaries that will help your recovery. Be as
concrete as possible.

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194 |Chapter 6 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
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Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 6 |195
 Healthy Sexuality and Relationship Plan
Start by listing ten sexual and relationship goals you have. If you have difficulty—and most
addicts do—get a consultation from your sponsor, group members, or therapist. After you have
identified your goals, go back and list specific steps you can take and resources you might use.
Remember, you are looking for areas you wish to improve. These are uncharted waters for many.
If you do not have a partner, you can still work on various dimensions of your sexuality. Consult
Sexual Anorexia: Overcoming Sexual Self-Hatred. All of the activities have a relationship version
and an individual version.

Example:
Goal: / would like to be present emotionally with my partner during sex. All the activities
have a relationship version and individual version.

Action Steps: Practice being here and now in general. Talk to partner about it. Make an
effort to share feelings every time we are sexual. Identify ways | disappear. Make a list of
reasons | disappear. Discuss in therapy.

Resources: Get help from partner. Ask therapist for strategies. Find books that can
help. Go to workshop on sexual recovery. Do couple’s exercises on sexuality. Talk to
RCA group about what other couples do.

Goal:

Action Steps:

Resources:

Goal:

Action Steps:

Resources:

196 |Chapter 6 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
Goal:

Action Steps:

Resources:

Goal:

Action Steps:

Resources:

Goal:

Action Steps:

Resources:

Goal:

Action Steps:

Resources:

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 6 |197
 Goal:

Action Steps:

Resources:

Goal:

Action Steps:

Resources:

Goal:

Action Steps:

Resources:

Goal:

Action Steps:

Resources:

198 |Chapter 6 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
Preventing Relapse
Imagine a boulder on top of a hill. You have been given the job of keeping that boulder
there. If it rolls down the hill, it will cause all kinds of damage. At the bottom of the hill is a large
lake. If the boulder hits the water, it will be much more difficult to retrieve. The boulder serves as an
important stabilizer for all that is around it, so it would be important keep it up there. And if it were
to fall, it is your job to return it.
As this big rock rests there, it takes little or no effort on your part to keep things in balance.
But let us say that the land becomes unstable and the boulder starts to roll down the hill. Where
is the best place for you to intervene? At the top it might take only 20 percent of your strength to
stop the boulder’s momentum. By the time it is halfway down the hill, it might take 100 percent of
your ability to stop it. At the bottom of the hill, it may have so much speed and power, you may not
be able to stop it. Figure 6.4, below, illustrates the principle of the boulder gaining momentum.

Relapse Prevention: Loss of Control

Figure 6.4

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 6 |199
 Obviously, it is best to keep the rock stable in the first place. But if you have to intervene,
it is far better to do it at the top of the hill, than “last ditch” efforts at the bottom. So it is with
recovery. It is better to keep stable or intervene early. Using the rolling-boulder analogy, let us
construct how the addictive cycle can reassert itself in your life. A very predictable sequence of
events occurs in relapse. These events follow the basic components you already know: obsession
and preoccupation, ritualization, sexual compulsion and despair. By following the cycle, we can
create an anatomy of relapse.
Obsession and Preoccupation— Relapse typically starts with lifestyle imbalance. Stress
and neglect take their toll. Sobriety challenges start to appear. “I deserve it,” “I want what | want
when | want it,” and “Damn the consequences, full soeed ahead” become the refrains. Urges and
cravings appear, feeding obsession and preoccupation. The addict starts to distort reality and
impaired thinking creeps in. Denial and delusion become partners with the obsession.
Ritualization— Boundaries start to collapse when addicts start to test themselves: Cruising
in acting-out neighborhoods. Calling the massage parlor or escort services to “ask for prices” just
out of curiosity. Emailing the old lover because you were thinking about him. These tests are really
at the edge of the old ritualized patterns. Typically, active addicts do not have coping strategies in
place to stop ritualized behavior. Remember, the purpose of ritual is to alter awareness and go into
trance. Once there, reality becomes fully distorted and loss of control is almost inevitable.
Sexual Compulsion—
Once there is an initial slip, addicts tend to say, “Il have gone this far,
| might as well do the whole thing.” A famous pioneer in relapse prevention, G. Allen Marlett, called
this the “abstinence violation effect.” In addictive thinking, the situation is now hopeless, which
leads to ongoing use.
Figure 6.5, page 201, uses our boulder analogy and the addictive cycle to graphically
show the progression of a relapse. The more the cycle engages, the harder the relapse is to stop.
The obvious place to start is to Keep the boulder from starting to roll in the first place. You have
to build up a barrier that keeps you from going down the classic “slippery slope.” Here are some
suggestions about how to build that barrier:

200 |Chapter 6 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 C hapter 6 201
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Resisting Addictive Cravings
Ns Develop spiritual strategies. Meditation, yoga, prayer—whatever strategies help
you connect with yourself and the rhythm of the universe—need to be deepened,
strengthened, and practiced. Number one on almost everyone's list is the development
of a spiritual base—a calm center, which helps you resist turmoil on the periphery.
Decode feelings. Sex that is about addiction and not sexuality is usually accompanied
by feelings of shame, loneliness, fear, pain, or anger. Always check for these feelings.
Remember that to act out a feeling sexually does not resolve the feeling. If you
cannot decode your feelings, consult with a sponsor, a therapist, or group members.
Remember the old Twelve Step aphorism: “Horniness equals loneliness.”
Avoid trigger situations. Identify situations, persons, and circumstances that can
trigger addictive responses. Respect your powerlessness and avoid those triggers.
Remember, when in doubt, don’t.
Forgive yourself for slips. If a slip occurs, turn it into a learning experience. Be gentle
with yourself. Your shame will cause you to beat up on yourself, which will make you
even more vulnerable.
Work on nurturing yourself. Exercise. Walk. Eat well. Rest. Enjoy massages, baths,
and safe indulgences. Seek out nature, music, art, humor, and the companionship of
good friends. Find time to take care of yourself. Make your living space a cocoon for
your transformation. Buy yourself a teddy bear. You deserve this treatment.
Avoid keeping cravings secret. Keeping your cravings secret will add to their
power. When you feel like acting out, go to the people you trust so you are not alone.
In general, secrets are about shame, and shame always makes you more vulnerable.
Secrets will Separate you from others in recovery.
Find alternative passions. Practice hobbies, sports, and activities you enjoy. Cultivate
these parts of your life so compulsive patterns in working, obsessing, or acting out
have to compete with activities and interests that are rewarding. Alternative passions
become new arenas for growth.
Acknowledge your choices. Avoid the feeling that you are a victim. You are
powerless about your addiction, but you are in charge of your program of recovery and
your lifestyle. In most areas you have choices, which can help you achieve the balance
needed in your life. Be proactive instead of reactive, by acknowledging to yourself and
to others what your choices are.

The most important strategy is to create a recovery zone. The recovery zone is a lifestyle
that if you stay within certain parameters, you will be safe. The trick is creating those parameters.

202 |Chapter 6 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
Creating Your Recovery Zone: The Personal Craziness Index
Most of us have had the experience of being really “on.” Everything clicks together.
Complicated challenges seem effortless. Problems are simply problems. And you feel great. There
is an optimum zone of psychological and physical health for each of us. An essential task in life is
to figure out how to stay in that zone. Recovery in many ways is the reclaiming of that zone as you
emerge from addictive illness. Sometimes recovery is perceived as an effort to avoid stress, when,
in fact, good recovery means resilience. We will always have stressors and challenges. Recovery is
much like training for athletes. Olympic competitors or professional athletes know that to succeed,
they will experience great stress.
Therefore, what they do is train for it. They work every day to prepare for the stressful
event, be it a game or tournament. Similarly, recovering people prepare every day so that a stressor
will not be overwhelming. They plan, they practice, they develop skills and strategies. They build
their stamina and reserves so they can perform consistently. Soonsors and therapists coach and
mentor so that when the challenge comes, they are prepared.
Some years ago we developed a self-assessment process called the Personal Craziness
Index or the PCI (pronounced pick-key). Over the years it has really helped many people establish
basic parameters of their recovery zone. It starts with the very basic practices that help us be “on.”
Put another way, it keeps the boulder in place. When addicts actually observe and work their PCI
process, it dramatically reduces the potential for relapse. To do it well takes time—and you may
wish to refine it as you go. But the daily self-assessment of your PCI keeps you very mindful of your
recovery zone.
There are two ways to do the PCI. You can complete the one in this book, which is
specifically adapted for sex addicts, or you can go to recoveryzone.com, a web site dedicated to
helping recovering people establish the parameters of their recovery zone. There is an interactive
personal craziness index on that site that will help you focus each day. Other resources reside there
as well. Either “pick-key” can make a real difference in establishing balance in yout life.

Personal Craziness Index

The Personal Craziness Index (PCI) is based on two assumptions: 1) craziness first
manifests itself in routine, simple behaviors that support self-maintenance, and 2) behavioral signs
will occur in patterns involving divergent sectors in our lives. Thus, we can be caught up in issues
of cosmic importance and not notice that our checking account is overdrawn. If our checking
account is overdrawn, we are probably out of socks as well because we have not done our
laundry. If this pattern is pervasive, there is risk that our lives will become emotionally bankrupt as
well—cosmic issues notwithstanding.
Addicts are particularly vulnerable to the “insanity” of loss of reality due to neglecting
basics. “Keep it simple” and a “One day at a time” are not shopworn cliches but guidelines born

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 6 |203
by the experience of many recovering people. The PC! serves as a reminder each day of what we
need to do. Without a process for such reminders, “cunning and baffling” self-destructive behavior
returns.
The process of creating your own PCI is designed to be as value-free as possible. Each
person uses the index by setting his or her own criteria. In other words, generate behavioral signs
(or as they are termed, “critical incidents”), that, through your own experience, you have learned
to be danger signs or warnings that you are “losing it, “getting out of hand,” or “burnt out.” The
boulder is ready to roll. Thus, it will be by your own standards that you will prepare yourself. The
following are twelve areas of personal behavior Suggested as sources of danger signs. You may
substitute one of your own if you wish.

1. Physical Health—
The ultimate insanity is to not take care of our bodies. Without our bodies we
have nothing, yet we seem to have little time for physical conditioning. Examples are being over a
certain weight, having missed regular exercise for two days, smoking more cigarettes than normal,
being exhausted from lack of sleep. How do you know that you are not taking care of your body?
(at least three examples)

2. Transportation—How people get from place to place is often a statement about their lifestyles.
Take, for example, a car owner who seldom comes to a full stop, routinely exceeds the speed limit,
runs Out of gas, does not check the oil, puts off needed repairs, has not cleaned the back seat out
in three months, and averages three speeding tickets and ten parking tickets a year. Or the bus
rider who always misses the bus, never has change, forgets his or her briefcase on the bus, etc.
What are the transportation behaviors that indicate your life is getting out of control?
(at least three examples)

204 |Chapter 6 Facing the Shadow Siarting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
3. Environment-—
To not have time to do your personal chores is a comment on the order of your
life. Consider the home in which the plants go unwatered, fish unfed, grocery supplies depleted,
laundry not done or put away, cleaning neglected, dishes unwashed, etc. What are ways in which
you neglect your home or living space? (at least three examples)

4. Work—Chaos at work is risky for recovery. Signs of chaotic behavior are phone calls not
returned in twenty-four hours, chronic lateness for appointments, being behind in promised work,
an unmanageable in-basket, and “too many irons in the fire.” When your life is unmanageable at
work, what are your behaviors? (at least three examples)

5. Interests
— What are some positive interests besides work that give you perspective on the
world? Music, reading, photography, fishing, or gardening are examples. What are you doing when
you are not overextended? (at least three examples)

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 6 |205
6. Social Life —Think of friends in your social network who constitute significant support for you
and are not family or significant others. When you become isolated, alienated, or disconnected,
what behaviors are typical of you? (at least three examples)

7. Family/Significant Others— When you are disconnected from those closest to you, what
is your behavior like? Examples are silent, overtly hostile, passive-aggressive. (at least three
examples)

8. Finances—We handle our financial resources much like our personal ones. Thus, when your
checking account is unbalanced, or worse, overdrawn, or bills are overdue, or there is no cash in
your pocket, or you are spending more than you earn, your financial overextension may parallel
your emotional bankruptcy. List the signs that show when you are financially overextended. (at least
three examples)

206 |Chapter 6 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
9. Spiritual Life and Personal Reflection
— Spirituality can be diverse and include such
methods as meditation, yoga, and prayer. Personal reflection includes keeping a personal journal,
completing daily readings, and pursuing therapy. What are sources of routine personal reflection
that are neglected when you are overextended? (at least three examples)

10. Other Addictions or Symptom Behaviors— Compulsive behaviors that have negative
consequences are symptomatic of your general well-being or the state of your overall recovery.
When you watch inordinate amounts of TV, overeat, bite your nails—any habit you feel bad about
afterward—these can be signs of burnout or possible relapse. Symptom behaviors are those
that are evidence of overextension, such as forgetfulness, slips of the tongue, or jealousy. What
negative addiction or symptom behaviors are present when you are “on the edge”? (at least three
examples)

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 6 |207
11. Twelve Step Practice —Living a Twelve Step way of life involves many practices. When done
consistently, they can be key to staying in your recovery zone. Group attendance, Step work,
sponsorship, service, and Twelve Step calls become the foundation of a good recovery. Which
recovery activities do you neglect first when you are leaving your recovery zone? (at least three
examples)

12. Sexuality —For sex addicts, monitoring yourself sexually becomes very important. You must
notice if there are sexual signs that you are not doing well, such as cravings for old behaviors,
feelings of shame around sexual issues, or Sexual aversion toward your partner. Also, there are the
things you may be working on to improve your sexual life. What do you notice that happens (or
doesn’t happen) sexually that tells you things are not going well? (at least three examples)

208 |Chapter 6 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
Recording Your PCI
The PCI is effective only when a careful record is maintained. Recording your daily progress
in conjunction with regular journal-keeping will help you to stay focused on priorities that keep life
manageable, work on program efforts a day at a time, expand your knowledge of personal patterns,
and provide a warning in periods of vulnerability to self-destructive cycles or addictive relapse.
From thirty-six or more signs of personal craziness you recorded, choose the seven that
are most critical for you. At the end of each day, review the list of seven key signs and count the
ones you did that day, giving each behavior one point. Record your total for that day in the soace
provided on the chart, page 210. If you fail to record the number of points each day, that day
receives an automatic score of seven. If you cannot even do your score, you are obviously out of
balance. At the end of the week, total your seven daily scores and make an “X” on the graph. Pause
and reflect on where you are in your recovery. Chart your progress over a twelve-week period.

My seven key signs of personal craziness:

ile

4.

9S

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 6 |209
 Personal Craziness Worksheet

Day/Week

Sunday

Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

Friday

Saturday

Weekly Total

PCI Graph

sexal,

50
Very
High Risk

40
High Risk

Stable
Solidity

10
Optimum
Health

210 |Chapter 6 Facing the Shadow Siarting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
Interpretation and Use of the PCI
The PCI is useful in early recovery as recovery habits are established. Also, the PCI
becomes helpful during periods of stress and vulnerability. Many simply use it as a daily reminder of
their progress. These users change the items as they progress in their recovery.
To use the PCI, select seven items from the “critical incidents” you have already listed. Then
following the worksheet instructions, you can generate a weekly score ranging from O to 49. A
guideline for understanding your score follows:

_| Relapse probable. Usually pursuing self-destructive behavior;

VERY HIGH RISK _| often totally in mission or cause or project; blames others
for failures; seldom produces on time; controversial in
community; Success vs. achievement-oriented.
Relapse potential. Living in extremes (overactive or inactive);
HIGH RISK relationships abbreviated; feels irresponsible and is;
30-39 | constantly has reasons for not following through; lives one
| way, talks another; works hard to catch up.
_| Vulnerable to relapse. Slipping; often rushed; can’t get it all
MEDIUM RISK in; no emotional margin for crisis; vulnerable to slip into old
20-29 patterns; typically lives as if he or she has inordinate influence
over others and/or feels inadequate.
Resilient. Recognizes human limits; does not pretend to be
STABLE SOLIDITY more than he or she is; maintains most boundaries; well
10-19 ordered; typically feels competent, feels supported, able to
weather crisis.
Very resilient. Knows limits; has clear priorities; congruent
OPTIMUM HEALTH with values; rooted in diversity; Supportive; has established a
0-9 personal system; balanced, orderly, resolves crises quickly;
capacity to sustain spontaneity; shows creative discipline.

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 6 |211
Tools for Staying in the Zone
In the story of Ulysses, there were mythical figures called the sirens. They were female and
partly human characters who sang captivating songs that would lure mariners so they would crash
their boats on the rocks. Sailors would have to plug their ears or tie each other to the masts of their
ships so they would not founder in the siren’s traps. The Greek stories of the siren’s songs always
depict the songs themselves as intensely sexual, filled with the promise of quenched desire. But
the lesson was never to trust the siren’s song—no matter how promising or believable.
As an addict you know the siren song of addiction. There was a promise of sexual
fulfillment that always turned out to be as disappointing as the last time. Addiction specialists
use the term “euphoric recall.” In alcoholism, the alcoholic remembers the fun of the party but
suppresses memories of the vomiting, the hangover, and the car accident. Similarly, the sex addict
remembers pleasurable parts of the experience and blots out the risk, the disease, the feelings of
betrayal, the arrest, and the despair. Like the mariner following the siren’s song, the addict founders
on the rocks following the illusion of addictive promise. One of the hardest lessons addicts learn Is
that they cannot trust their judgment about these matters. They must ignore, silence, or distance
themselves from the song. It will always betray you.
So how do you do that? Boundaries. Two people who have really taught us a lot about
boundaries are Pat and Pia Mellody. The book Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes
from, How It Sabotages Our Lives emerged out of their essential collaboration on the importance
of boundaries. Pat Mellody tells the story of how he learned about boundaries. He was in a
Catholic elementary school with some very abusive nuns. He was troubled with how they treated
people and their verbal abuse. His mother told him that it was about them and not about him. He
simply had to notice what they did but refuse to let it affect him. Pat’s mother gave him the core
advice about how to create a psychological boundary and not be affected by what other people
say or do. In other words, intentionally create psychological distance. The same process applies to
those people or situations that seduce you down the path of relapse. You will notice the presence,
but you know the false promise. You simply do not respond.
What follows is a series of tools that will helo you keep that distance.

A Letter from You to Yourself

Imagine you were your own sponsor writing a letter to yourself just at the time you want to
act out. What would you say? By writing the letter and carrying it with you, you have a significant
resource to pull out at the last minute. Simply writing it creates the psychological distance you
need. Take it to your group. Have sponsors and group members write notes on the letter itself.
Then when you read it, you will have their support as well. It may help you keep your sobriety.

212 |Chapter 6 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 Instructions:
Address it from you to yourself. Include the following:
What are the probable circumstances under which it is being read?
What are the consequences if you ignore the letter?
What would you really need at the time of a slip?
Give criteria for behavior that is real clear for yourself.
What is the hope if you don’t act out?
OE What is at stake if you do—what is the plea you need to hear at this moment?

The following is a model letter to give you some ideas.

Dear Chris,
When you feel the urge, pull out this letter. Chances are if you are reading
it, there is a pleasurable thrill of the thought of doing something. Please read to
the end because if the thought is about acting out, chances are you are alone in
contemplating it. So please read.
Each time is the same. There is the thought—the pleasure. There is the
anger, the loneliness, the feelings of entitlement. But remember, every time is the
same; you will regret terribly what you now want to do.
You will have to worry about being caught.
You will wonder if you will get a disease.
You will despair over your broken commitments.
You will feel pain at the people you use.
You will have to tell lies to cover up—always there are lies.
You will have suicidal feelings.
You will place all your career success in jeopardy.
You will never enjoy it—you are always disappointed.
You will lose yourself for days thinking about God’s punishment, even
though you know that isn’t true.
Right now your addict is seducing you with promises that won’t work. So
figure out what you need:
Are you hungry or tired?
Are you angry?
Are you overextended?
Are you needing care?
Find whatever you need and get it. Do not do the one thing that will
make all of the above worse.
The question is, if everybody could see what you are about to do, would
you still do it? You are lovable and worthwhile. You deserve getting your needs met
in a way that respects your wonderfulness. Imagine spirituality that is peaceful,
graceful, vibrant, and growing—not what you are about now.
Please listen to yourself. You know that it won’t happen for you by act-
ing out. Think of all the faces of those in the past. Do not kid yourself. Instead, love
yourself enough to let it pass—let go. Call someone.

Love,
Chris

Chapter 6 |213
Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
Emergency First Aid Kit
Make yourself a psychological emergency first-aid kit. It can be a bag, a “medicine
pouch,” an envelope, or even a box. Place in it things that provide your life with meaning.
Suggestions include:

=» symbols of recovery, including medallions, tokens, sponsor gifts, and other articles that
remind you of significant moments in your recovery
= pictures and mementos of loved ones
= = spiritual items
= copies of pages out of this book
= letters
= favorite affirmations, meditations, quotes
= phone numbers of peers and sponsors
=# any items that represent personal meaning to you
= tapes of special music

Keep this kit in a place that is easy for you to get to. If you feel you are about to relapse or
already have slipped, pull out the kit to get support for what you need to do.

Relapse Contract
Use the following contract as a way to talk to people important to you (i.e. sponsor, therapist,
clergy person) about what you will do if you do slip. Make a copy of the contract for that person,
and keep a copy for yourself.

I, (your name), do contract that

if | have a slip in my sexual sobriety, to do the following:
# =|will make my very best effort to limit what | have done.
# | will call you and let you know what my situation is.
# | will also do the following (fill in whatever you and your support person think should be
the first steps):

My sobriety date is:

Agreed to on this date:

Signed,

214 |Chapter 6 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 Resisting Relapse
Let's return to the experience of being “on”—when everything you do seems to be exactly
right. All performers—singers, speakers, actors, or athletes—have had the experience. You
intuitively know what to do with no thought. You just seem to be able to excel. This can happen
in business or with hobbies. Even in simply exercising, times occur when your body performs
above normal. Athletes will talk about playing “over their heads,” meaning far above their normal
capabilities. Authors experience moments when words just flow and ideas come seemingly from
nowhere. Artists speak of ideas taking form easily and business people refer to deals “coming
together.” There are days when you are simply unbeatable. We have called this the recovery zone.
Neuroscientists tell us that this does not occur accidentally. Typically, these situations are
the result of three factors: vision, practice, and resilience. Whether it be a fighter pilot rehearsing
combat scenarios or an athlete using guided imagery for peak performance, there usually is a
guiding vision. Being able to image a specific result and focusing on that image adds tremendously
to bringing that vision into reality. A growing body of evidence shows that following a vision can
effect corporate success in business and even accelerate healing in our bodies. You have to have
a picture of it. Unfortunately, from a recovery perspective the reciprocal is also true. If you do not
believe in recovery, let alone have a picture of how it looks, your chances of being relapse-free
decline. Then the familiar, destructive sexual fantasies will provide your image, virtually guaranteeing
the relapse process. In the next chapter, we will explore more precisely how that works when we
describe the arousal template.
In addition to having a vision, there needs to be practice. When athletes are “in training,”
they prepare daily for essentially a stressful event, such as a tournament, game, or marathon. Each
day they build their strength, push themselves to improve their skills, and practice strategies for
winning. When they prepare for the stress, they are, in essence, activating the vision. As they train,
however, they are careful not to “overtrain.” They “cross train” so that the demands on one muscle
set are not too much. They find regular patterns of rest. They take care of themselves, making sure
they not only marshal their resources, but also give themselves real rewards. In short, they cultivate
resilience. Resilience means they have reserves, so when they meet the inevitable stressors, they
are not pushed beyond what they can do. Rather, the reverse occurs. They perform beyond even
their own expectations.
The Greeks had a term for this process. They would describe someone who achieves
being on as having virtu—meaning excellence. During the Middle Ages, the word virtue picked
up moral connotations. Originally, it was about preparing yourself intellectually, emotionally, and
physically to be the best you could be. In this sense, we can look at recovery as the equivalent
of creating vittu—the cultivation of excellence. Often, people who have successful recoveries talk
about how easy things have become and how they are doing things they never thought they would
be able to do. Sobriety allowed them to have a new vision for their lives, and using recovery tools

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 6 |215
and principles every day created the practice and the resiliency necessary to meet the inevitable
stressors. We call this living in the recovery zone. Think of a zone as a specific set of parameters or
boundaries; by staying in the zone, you are optimizing your performance. By identifying that area
of life, including work, relationships, body, sex, and spirituality in which you thrive, the goal is to live
within that area or zone.
Inevitably, you will have stress in your life. As we noted earlier, lifestyle imbalance (or being
stressed out) is the beginning of relapse. The key to relapse prevention is to stay in your recovery
zone. In part, you already have started to define that through your sobriety definition and your
personal craziness index. The remainder of this workbook is devoted to helping you get clarity
about living in your recovery zone. To summarize how far we have come, look at Figure 6.6 on
page 218 that illustrates the basic stance for resistance to relapse. Notice that the boulder now
is nestled in a hollow supported by lifestyle balance. Addicts can live in a recovery zone being
“in training,” doing more than they ever thought they could and being all they can be. When they
experience challenges, they have prepared themselves for that. So there is a barrier of resilience
that keeps them from even starting down the slope of relapse. If events happen that overwhelm the
addict and they do start down the slope, four barriers exist to prevent disaster.
Barrier One—Living the recovery essentials (to review go back to page 202) can
immediately pull you back into the recovery zone. Your personal craziness index provides concrete
measures that you are at risk. The healthy sexuality and relationship plan tells you what you are
working for. If successful, you are not living in deprivation. You have the stabilizing experience of
knowing what you want sexually and as your recovery matures, you will experience fulfillment.
Finally, what anchors all this is a sturdy, enduring decision to commit to recovery. Using the classic
language of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, it is the willingness “to go to any lengths.”
Most recovering people know that moment when they said to themselves that they simply had to
do whatever it took to make their lives different. That commitment is the cornerstone of the first
barrier.
Barrier Two —If the stone does get past the initial barrier and a momentum toward relapse
does start, we have barrier two. This barrier starts with reality checks. This means that recovering
people check out questionable thinking and ideas with the support network. Therapists, sponsors,
and other recovering people can quickly spot impaired thinking. If your old sobriety challenges such
as grandiosity or entitlement should reappear, they can remind you that you have been down this
road before. Most importantly, your support network helps you remember that it is vital to everyone
that you maintain your sobriety. What you do does matter to your group, friends, and family. Also,
your boundary definitions serve as a very clear guide to staying out of trouble. By this time you
have learned to reward yourself appropriately and have competing passions so that you are not
operating out of deprivation. Rather than struggling with shame, your basic Step skills (developed
in Chapters 3 through 5) can help you with your sense of being worthwhile. You are not a bad or

216 |Chapter 6 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
sinful person for having to struggle with this addiction. A path exists out of despair that would give
momentum to the boulder.
Barrier Three —Further down the slope, you check in about boundary violations. The
abstinence list becomes the guide to your behavior. It tells you what you have committed not to
do. Moreover, you have the letter to yourself to help bring you back to reality. If you should have a
slip, it does not mean that you have totally relapsed. Your fire drills should kick in, as if you were on
automatic pilot. You have recovery rituals, such as your daily meditations and meetings, that serve
as an alternative to your acting-out rituals. You have learned new coping strategies in dealing with
stress. All the resources exist to stop the momentum here.
Barrier Four—If relapse does occur, it does not mean total immersion in the addiction. To
begin with, there is a sobriety statement that is a map to where you need to be. Second, you have
your first aid kit and all the resources of the Twelve Step process to bring you back. You have a
contract with people to whom your behavior matters. You signed it when you were relatively sane.
Just follow the steps you agreed to take when you made the agreement. And if none of this works,
you have now have people who truly Know about your illness and can intervene on your behalf.
By getting this far in this process, you can never really be in your addiction without knowing
how to get back. In effect, you nave now spoiled it. You will find the delusional thoughts just do
not work the way they used to. You know that the addiction is the false siren and that you basically
are avoiding yourself. You used to wonder if it was at all real. Now you know the unreality. What
remains to start recovery for yourself is to look at the deeper issues of sexual arousal and what
happens to your body. And that is the focus of the next chapter.

Chapter 6 |217
Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
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Resisting Relapse Reflection
The critical elements of being in your recovery zone are vision, practice, and resilience. In
the following spaces, record your thoughts about each. Start by imagining recovery three years out
and what that would be like. Then list what “ways” you can practice. And then specify how you can
build resilience into your recovery.

Vision of recovery in three years:

Strategies, skills, and practice now:

Ways to build resilience in my life:

Chapter 6 |219
Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
Recommended Reading
Patrick Carnes with Joseph M. Moriarity. Sexual Anorexia: Overcoming Sexual Self-Hatred,
pp. 103-216; In The Shadows of The Net: Breaking Free from Compulsive Online Sexual Behavior,
Chapter 9, “Preventing Relapse: Maintaining the Changes You’ve Made.”
Pia Mellody. Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages
Our Lives. New York: Harper San Francisco, 1989.
Ken Adams. Silently Seduced: When Parents Make their Children Partners
— Understanding
Covert Incest. Deerfield Beach, Fla.: Health Communications: 1991. The best book we’ve seen on
the problem of “specialness.”
Claudia Black. A Hole in the Sidewalk: The Recovering Person’s Guide to Relapse
Prevention. Bainbridge, Wash.: MAC Publishing, 2000.
Wayne Muller. Sabbath: Restoring the Sacred Rhythm of Rest. New York: Bantam,
1999. One of the best books on the logic of self-care.
Stephen Covey. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. New York: Simon and Schuster,
1990. A classic that should be required reading for everyone.
M. Scott Peck. The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and
Spiritual Growth. New York: Harper and Row Publishers, 1983. The classic guide for participating
in therapy.
Answers in the Heart: Daily Meditations for Men and Women Recovering from Sex
Addiction. Center City, Minn.: Hazelden, 1990.
Melody Beattie. The Language of Letting Go. Center City, Minn.: Hazelden, 1990.

220 |Chapter 6 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 Chapter 7 What Has Happened to Your Body?
Managing the Physical
Impact of Your Addiction
The paraphilic solution is one in which love and lovebonding are compromised because the genitalia continue
to function not in the service of lust, but according to the specifications of a vandalized and redesigned love
map, and often with compulsive frequency.... Sexual addictions, like drinking and eating addictions, are
extremely particular. The sexual addict is always addicted to something sexually specific.
—John Money, Lovemaps

ADDICTION HURTS THE BODY. The stereotypical image of an addict is usually one of an
emaciated heroin addict who can no longer find viable veins for injecting or a red-faced alcoholic
whose life expectancy steadily declines as his waistline expands or the pale anorexic whose body
is little more than flesh and bones. Sex addiction can leave a physical legacy as well, though sadly,
it is often unnoticed until more severe damage is done. In this chapter we will look at the physical
effects of sex addiction, including sexually transmitted diseases, depression, and withdrawal.
One of the greatest impacts of this disease is on sexual arousal; neuropathways and
arousal patterns can be profoundly affected by compulsive sex.

Having a Physical
Sex addicts often have medical complications, so to begin, we strongly urge you to have
a thorough physical examination. Thirty-eight percent of the sex addicts we studied in Don’t Call
It Love actually went to an emergency room or emergency physician because of some physical
problem related to sexual acting out. Here are some other things we learned:

= 38 percent of the men and 45 percent of the women had contracted venereal disease
through their addictive behavior
= 64 percent of addicts continued their sexual behavior despite the risk of disease
or infection
=» 16 percent of the men and 60 percent of the women were victims of physical abuse
during sex
=» 19 percent of the men and 21 percent of the women were involved in vehicle accidents
while acting out
=» Almost a third of the study participants had serious health problems such as ulcers or
high blood pressure which they attributed to the stress of their sexual activities

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 7 |221
 = 65 percent reported some type of sleep disorder (trouble going to sleep, staying asleep,
or waking early)
= 70 percent of the women routinely risked unwanted pregnancy, 40 percent had
unwanted pregnancy, and 36 percent had abortions

Pregnancies, abortions, injuries, accidents, AIDS and other diseases, other addictions,
major health problems—no one knows how high the cost of sexual addiction is to our health care
system. It took decades for us to understand the extraordinary health care costs of alcoholism,
and even now, alcoholism professionals have difficulty convincing health care providers that many
physical problems can be traced to compulsive drinking. We are at an even more primitive stage
with sex addiction, though data like that above are beginning to document the cost for all to see.
Sex addicts often have physical problems and illnesses, but for various reasons they resist
seeking help. Consider the following:

Joanna had a chronic sore throat. She had it for so long that she had actually
became used to it. When she started recovery, her therapist insisted that she get a
physical. During her exam, Joanna was surprised to learn that her sore throat was
caused by a sexually transmitted disease called chlamydia. She had it in her throat
rather than in its more common location in the vagina. If undiagnosed, the disease
would have created serious problems.
Frank learned that he had HPV (Human Papilloma virus) when his wife was
diagnosed with the disease. She had been infected by Frank. Sadly, as a result, she
was no longer able to have children and now had a chronic debilitating illness. Early
intervention would have prevented both problems.
Martin, a physician, a recovering sex addict and drug addict, had contracted
HIV. Living with HIV, he focused his medical practice on helping others with HIV.
Because he was such an expert on this disease, Martin provided himself with
needed medical care, believing that he could do for himself what any other doctor
would be able to do, if not more. Prescribing for oneself is an activity that doctors
are strictly prohibited from doing, yet Martin prescribed medication for his own
depression. He did not do well, became more depressed, relapsed into drug
use, and had unprotected sex. His self-medicating cost him his ability to practice
medicine for five years.

Do you see the common thread in these examples? None of the persons involved sought
appropriate medical help for themselves. In part, such resistance lies in addicts’ own “sobriety
challenges.” Following this behavior that stems from childhood neglect, addicts will not even
come to their own aid in times of profound distress, let alone deal with a matter so mundane to
them as their own bodies. Another factor in such willfulness can be seen through the phrase, “|

222 |Chapter 7 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
can do it myself.” Such resistance to get help is further intensified by shame. Many times | have
heard the stories of individuals who have damaged their genitals or their anus and were simply too
embarrassed even to tell a physician. Instead, they would try to heal themselves only to have the
situation worsen. Others attempt self-healing and still continue to act out. It’s hard to find a better
example of denial.
You must understand that at its core, having a physical is an act of caring for yourself. You
can expect your therapist to ask you to make such an appointment. The truth is that you may not
know if something is wrong with you that needs to be addressed. Also, you may have to return for
further visits because some diseases do not manifest symptoms right away. Table 7.1 on page 224
shows a list of sexually transmitted diseases, their symptoms, and the problems that will ensue if
the illness is left untreated. Review each one to give yourself at least a working knowledge of the
potential problems. Even being in a Twelve Step group or serving as a sponsor requires that you
know what problems the people you are close to are facing.

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 7 |223
 Sexually
Transmitted Symptoms Follow-Up Problems
Disease
Chlamydia Chlamydia painful urination women — urethral
Trachomatis vaginal discharge in infection,
Bacterium women cervical and pelvic
urethral discharge in inflammation
men men—urethral
eye infections possible and epididymal
(most inflammation
common cause of newborns—
blindness worldwide) conjunctivitis,
women often have no chlamydial pneumonia
symptoms

Genital Herpes Herpes Simplex pain, itching in genital newborn infection in

Virus areas passing through the
(genital HSV-2) vesicles or open sores birth canal—brain
(oral HSV-1) =® dysuria damage, blindness, or
® swollen groin lymph death
nodes herpetic eye infections
flulike symptoms herpetic encephalitis
(headache, fever)

Gonorrhea Neisseria thick, puslike epididymitis in men

Gonorrhea discharge from urethra pelvic inflammatory
Bacterium burning, frequent disease (PIG) in
urination women—can lead to
women are often fallopian tube scarring
asymptomatic for and infertility
weeks or months fever, rash, joint pain
pharyngeal gonorrhea arthritis, meningitis,
with sore throat after endocarditis
oral sex

Table 7.1

224 |Chapter 7 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 Sexually
Transmitted Cause Symptoms Follow-Up Problems
Disease
Human persistent unexplained opportunistic
Immunodeficiency fatigue infections—
Virus soaking night sweats
Pneumocystis carinii
shaking chills and
cytomegalovirus
fever—over 100
degrees for several constitutional disease
weeks neurological disease
unexplained weight (dementia)
loss—10 percent of
neoplasm (Kaposi’s
body weight in 1-2
months Sarcoma)
unexplained enlarged death
lymph nodes for 3
months
persistent dry cough
bruising blotches in
mouth or under skin
chronic diarrhea
persistent headache
white spots on tongue

(Crabs) severe itching (worse contact dermatitis

Sarcoptes at night) secondary skin
Scabiei Parasite
thin, pencil-like lines infection
(burrows) on skin urticaria

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 7 |225
 Sexually
Transmitted Symptoms Follow-Up Problems
Disease
Syphilis Tyreponema Primary: second stage—aching
Pallidum painless sores bones and joints
Spirochete
(chancres) on genitals, tertiary syphilis
(Bacterium)
rectum, tongue, or lips -general paresis
enlarged lymph nodes -tabes dorsalis (ataxia,
(in groin) etc.)
Secondary: -joint degeneration
rash on body, -optic atrophy
especially palms and -cardiovascular aortitis
soles
aching joints

Trichomoniasis Trichomonas labial pruritis persistent vaginitis

Vaginalis vaginal discharge reddened, inflamed
Protozoa
(yellow-green) Cervix
edyspareunia men are often
edysuria asymptomatic but
may have nonspecific
recurrent urethritis

Venereal or Human warty growth around women with cervical

Genital Warts Papilloma Virus vulva, anus, vagina, HPV lesions have
(HPV) cervix, penis, scrotum, higher risk of cervical
groin, or thigh cancer
can be microscopic occasional delivery
(not seen with the problem with warts
naked eye) blocking birth canal
occasionally itching, shame
pain, bleeding other forms of HPV
can lead to pelvic
inflammatory disease
(PID) and sterility in
women

226 |Chapter 7 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
Talking with Your Physician
Because So much is asked of them, physicians may be unfamiliar with addictive disorders,
particularly sex addiction. The following references can provide useful overviews to help them
better understand the problem.
For family practitioners, internists, urologists, gynecologists, and emergency medicine
physicians: Carnes, Patrick, Ph.D., and Schneider, Jennifer MD, Ph.D. “Recognition and
Management of Addictive Sexual Disorders: Guide for the Primary Care Clinician.”
Primary Care Practice 4, no. 3 (May/June, 2000): 302-318.
For practicing psychiatrists: Carnes, Patrick, Ph.D., “Sexual Addiction and Compulsion:
Recognition, Treatment, and Recovery.” CNS Spectrums: The International Journal of
Neuropsychiatric Medicine 5, no. 10 (October, 2000): 63-72.
You may also call 800-708-1796 for physician material packets, or review the information at
the Web site: http://www.sexhelp.com.

Withdrawal and Other Mental Health Issues

At a Boston workshop on sexual addiction, a recovering professional stated in clear terms:
“| have now experienced withdrawal from four addictions, including cocaine. By far the worst was
from my sexual addiction.” This is a common refrain among sex addicts with other addictions. The
withdrawal period seems to be difficult for all sex addicts. The Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous
(SLAA) Big Book describes it this way: “This unraveling was wrenching. We found it necessary to
live through withdrawal in day-at-a-time, twenty-four-hour compartments. We would waken in the
morning, sometimes very early, and inwardly exclaim, ‘Oh God! Another day of THIS!” The same
source also provides some of the best advice available about withdrawal:

We cannot go through your withdrawal for you, nor would we, if we could.
Who would knowingly volunteer to go through it again? Certainly none of us!
Yet the pain of each withdrawal is unique and special, even precious (although you
orobably don’t think so). In a sense, the experience is you, a part of you which has
been trying to surface for a long time. You have been avoiding or postponing this
pain for a long time now, yet you have never been able to lastingly outrun it. You
need to go through withdrawal in order to become a whole person. You need to
meet yourself. Behind the terror of what you fear, withdrawal contains the seeds for
your Own personal wholeness. It must be experienced for you to realize, or make
real, that potential for you and your life that has been stored there for so long.

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 7 |227
 In a hospital study, we found there are fifteen symptoms addicts readily identify as
characteristic of the early weeks of recovery. Listed by frequency of mention, these symptoms are:

= fatigue
= tenseness, nervousness
= insomnia
™ headaches
= shakes
®# high sexual arousal
= low sexual arousal
= body aches
m™ increased food appetite
= genital sensitivity
= itchy skin
® chills, sweats
=™ nausea
=# rapid heartbeat
= shortness of breath

Usually, physical reactions last fourteen to fifteen days, but for some people, they may last
for as long as eight to ten weeks. Many who have withdrawn from cocaine report parallels in the
withdrawal experiences. These parallels are intriguing, since cocaine appears to be one of the top
drugs for sex addicts. Researchers in cocaine have noticed a high incidence of sexual addiction in
cocaine addicts.
Speculation exists about whether medication can alleviate severe withdrawal symptoms.
Drugs ranging from lithium and Prozac to Depo-Provera have been used for sexual addiction
withdrawal. Physicians working with patients who are confronting severe withdrawal also need to
take into account the impact of concurrent mental health issues such as depression. Some leaders
in the field of addictive disorders neurochemistry urge the use of amino acid compounds to ease
the transition period of recovery. Because there is not yet consensus in the field, decisions are
currently made on a case-by-case basis.
For most addicts, one of the most disturbing symptoms is insomnia. Given that over two-
thirds of sex addicts struggle with sleep disorders, it is not surprising that this problem intensifies
in the early weeks of recovery. There are, however, simple lifestyle adjustments and concrete
strategies that are very helpful for dealing with sleeplessness. Many of them are described in a
book called Natural Sleep, written by Philip Goldberg and Daniel Kaufman and published by Rodale
Press. Addicts need to review their sleep patterns, determine their body rhythms, watch food
intake, develop relaxation strategies, and exercise. Those with more severe sleep disorders
may need professional assistance.

228 |Chapter 7 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 Another problem that can be anticipated is appetite changes. In one study, 38 percent of
sex addicts who went through treatment had eating disorders. One-half of these people found that
their urges to binge-eat increased, while the others actually found their urges decreased. There is
no way to predict who will be in which group. We can predict, however, that recovery from sexual
addiction will have some impact— positive or negative—on other compulsive behaviors.
How, then, does one deal with multiple addictions? Some typical comments addicts made
when asked this question are listed below. Several principles emerge. To begin, the addictions
that are the most life threatening should be dealt with first. Generally, this means that if chemical
dependency is involved, the addict should begin by detoxifying from chemicals. Then, if sexual
addiction is the next most perilous addiction, sexual recovery becomes the priority. This process
should continue until each area of compulsivity is addressed. Once recovery is established, a
different hierarchy comes into play: the core addiction becomes the primary emphasis of recovery
work. Recovery work transfers, however, in that a good recovery program in one area supports
progress in others.
Most addicts, were they to go to every group they qualified for, would not have a life
outside of group. In other words, it is important not to be obsessive about recovery. Gentleness
and progress are vital. Priorities should be set.
When we asked what sustained people during early recovery, the responses were simple
and clear:

# Once in recovery, many had a lower tolerance for pain and simply did not want to go
back to active addiction.
# Many felt their emerging spirituality was key.
= Some knew that to return to their addiction would mean death.
=" For amajority, the beginning of renewed self-esteem helped them resist cravings.
=» Many felt it important to keep their commitment to their Twelve Step group efforts.

Addiction Neuropathways
All addictions use three basic road maps to activate the brain. A fourth, which is based on
deprivation, often intermingles with the first three. These physical processes are the neurochemical
basis for addictive disorders, and scientists use the term “neuropathways” to describe them. We
started to learn about them in the mid-1970s when a series of breakthrough studies helped us
understand that addiction was really a problem of the brain. When an alcoholic ingests alcohol, this
drug eventually metabolizes into a chemical called dopamine. Another, sometimes faster, route to
activating dopamine in the brain is through sexual activity. While the means of activating dopamine
varies, the result is the same: you feel better. Exactly how you feel will vary depending on the
means you used to activate dopamine production in the first place.

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 7 |229
 It is important to understand the basic concept of neuropathways for two reasons.
First, it will help you understand how the physical component of your addiction works. Second,
neuropathways are critical to understanding your own sexual arousal patterns
—what we will
eventually call the “arousal template.” The fundamental fact of sex addiction is that your arousal
template may have undergone profound changes as a result of your addiction. Knowing how such
a change happens can profoundly affect your ability to remain relapse free. If you wish to learn more
about this area, review Harvey B. Milkman and Stanley Sunderwirth’s book entitled Craving Ecstasy:
The Chemistry and Consciousness of Escape. |t is a well-written and entertaining introduction to
the very serious problem of how addictions work. Here is a summary of the neuropathways:
Arousal. The arousal neuropathway is about pleasure and intensity. The most common
methods of stimulating arousal pathways are high-risk sex and high-risk relationships, compulsive
burglary and shoplifting, “on the edge” business occupations such as day trading or “merger
mania,” and anything to do with violence. Certain chemicals, including amphetamines, cocaine,
and ecstasy, also amplify the arousal neuropathway. Often times, these chemicals enhance or
combine with high-risk behavior. We see sex addicts who will be sexual only on cocaine and vice
versa. When a chemical and a high-risk behavior are combined, we call this fusing. That means
they become a “package” experience. Many chemically dependent people do not recognize that
their high-risk behavior is neurochemically part of their “package.” They assume it happened
because they were using.
Usually, addictions specialists call this the “opponent process of addiction” —meaning that
high arousal becomes a way to deal with pain. For example, a heroin addict goes through pleasure
and ends up in pain just as a long-distance runner goes through pain and ends up in pleasure.
The brain always compensates. Addicts exaggerate this “compensation” because their pain is so
overwhelming. Some people actually incorporate pain into their pleasure. For example, trauma
victims who move into sadomasochism and then escalate it dramatically often are replaying
“tapes” of early sexual abuse that was dangerous. Fear may also become part of arousal. For
example, some female sex addicts can achieve orgasm only when a man is hurting them, and
there are men who find someone arousing only if the encounter in some way puts them at risk.
Thus pleasure and danger are fused. Throw in some chemicals and you have a way of amplifying
and escalating the experience.
Numbing. This neuropathway produces a calming, relaxing, soothing, or sedative process.
It creates an analgesic experience in the brain. While drugs and alcohol are obvious leaders in
this sedation process, behaviors such as compulsive masturbation, gambling, shopping, and
overeating can also numb worries. The hole to be filled, however, is bottomless. Chemicals typically
used for numbing are alcohol, depressant drugs, and heroin. Again, they can be combined with
certain behaviors into “packages.” Thus, the alcoholic, compulsive overeater can binge into

230 |Chapter 7 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 oblivion. Whether it is “comfort food” or the mind-numbing repetition of the slot machine, this
neuropathway tries to satisfy the insatiable. Milkman and Sunderwirth refer to these practices as
the “satiation addictions” whose goal is to keep anxiety at bay.
Addictions are used as an analgesic act alone or they can interact with other
neuropathways. Gambling of any sort can be mind numbing, for example, but high-stakes
gambling or e-trading can also produce a state of very high arousal. An alcoholic uses alcohol just
to bury her trouble, or she may also use alcohol to disinhibit herself to take part in high-risk sex.
There are sex addicts who uses anonymous sex because of its high risk and excitement, though
at other times they use that same behavior to relax. Addicts are constantly wandering in and out of
neuropathways, depending on what they need. In terms of recovery, it may be more important to
Know which neuropathways are involved than which addiction is being used to access it, because
knowing the neuropathway reveals the internal problem.
A common scenario we see in sex addiction is the sex addict who spends the evening
cruising and taking part in high-risk sex. When he returns home and is too zipped up to sleep,
he turns to alcohol, food, TV, or compulsive masturbation to calm down. This pattern of arousal
followed by numbing is a common combination in addictive disorders. In fact, this pattern is
extremely common for all trauma survivors—from survivors of the Holocaust to natural disasters
such as tornadoes and earthquakes. High adrenalin and excitement followed by efforts to slow
down are among the most common subsets of behavior seen in all trauma survivors. The obvious
role of numbing to block memories of bad experiences is actually only part of the situation.
Another way to combine is to use mindless numbing as a way to trance out—and this brings us to
the next neuropathway.
Fantasy. Escape is the goal of this neuropathway. One can alter the perception of reality
by using such chemicals as marijuana or psychedelic drugs like LSD. Behaviors like obsession
and preoccupation, when combined with the right rituals, can actually create a trance state—
the addict literally enters an altered state. Sex addicts are familiar with this trancelike state from
experiences with cruising in a car or bar, watching porn, doing cybersex on the Internet, or sitting
in a strio bar. Go into a casino and notice how many people have left their cares behind and are
preoccupied only with their next win. The doctor who checks his trades between almost every
patient has an obsession with money. The alcoholic who becomes a wine connoisseur legitimizes
his preoccupation with drinking. The search for the fix becomes an end in itself.
At the core of such obsessions is a governing fantasy. In gambling, that fantasy is the “big
win” that will make everything all right—thinking about what you would do with all that money,
running mental scenarios about how to spend the money, and imagining what you would say to
people. For those with a money obsession (the key to all financial disorders), it is the “windfall”
fantasy that gets played over and over. With drugs, the fantasy is the right high with the right stuff. In

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 7 |231
sex addiction, it involves the right situation and person or the “cosmic relationship” (the windfall man
or woman who makes everything good and right). Preoccupation and obsession are about shame
and the desire not to be in your body. As a result, addicts create—and inhabit
—another reality.
Children who are traumatized or who come from dysfunctional families (and thus are
traumatized, too) learn how to “dissociate” from reality. They prefer fantasies and daydreams.
Sometimes they act as if their made-up reality is real. They also discover the technique called
compartmentalization—the ability to create separate “compartments” in their life into which
uncomfortable internal realities can be placed and thus ignored. Many addicts tell us that it seems
as though they have “more than one person” living inside them. There is the “real” self as well as
another self who enters and takes over. This “secret life phenomenon” is well known to sex addicts.
When Robert Louis Stevenson described Jekyll and Hyde, he was describing this phenomenon in
alcoholism. Ultimately, exploiting the fantasy neuropathway is a solution to which people turn when
acknowledging and living with their “real” self seems too much to bear.
le

Deprivation. Control is the goal. Anorectic spending, sexual anorexia, and food anorexia
share a common assumption: doing without is the surest way to defend against the terror. From
this world view stems a sense of euphoric release—release from the burden of having to deal with
deep-seated fears of insufficiency. What is “insufficient?” They believe that there is not “enough”
(money, food, sex, and so on), or they fear that they themselves are not “enough,” that they are
lacking in some way (such as being too fat, too thin, or not attractive, for example). Part of the
terror felt by these individuals stems from the belief that something really bad will happen if their
needs are met or satisfied. Fear of fat, fear of sexual Success or of further sexual exploitation,
fear of intimacy, fear of financial loss—the list of terror can be endless for some people. They find
that if their needs can be controlled, however, they can actually create a feeling of superiority and
elation. Much research exists to show that the body prepares itself for starvation by releasing
endorphins
—a physical effect that produces a feeling of elation in those who starve themselves.
Therapists notice a sense of righteousness in these individuals which manifests through rigid and
judgmental attitudes toward others—and which provides comforting thoughts when you feel you
are in control.
Deprivation serves as a kind of “twin” for excessive behavior—thus creating the
phenomenon of “binge and purge.” Consider the dieter whose extreme eating patterns are
manageable for a while—until they “fall off the wagon.” They view this as “failure” and feel ashamed
at not measuring up to their own inhuman standards. Taken to its worst extreme it becomes what
we Call bulimia nervosa—the term used for people who eat and then purge. It’s also possible to
binge and purge with money. There are people who are caught up in endless cycles of buying and
returning goods. In the sexual arena, you have, for example, the preacher who publicly “purges” by
proclaiming the evils of promiscuity while privately bingeing with prostitutes. Those with addictions
are often caught up in extreme deprivation. This neuropathway becomes the balance wheel for

232 |Chapter 7 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
extreme behaviors—either acting out or acting in. It creates an alternative extreme to out-of-control
behavior, wobbly though it might be. It also creates a predictable cycle of neuropathic bingeing and
purging. This cycle can also involve different deprivations and addictions. The physician who works
a hundred hours a week (deprivation) and who is sexually compulsive because he feels so entitled
(addiction) serves as an example of how the deprivation and addiction behaviors can cross over.
Figure 7.2 summarizes how the binge-purge cycle works.

Binge-Purge Cycle

Acting
Out
=e

Extreme Control Out of Control

Dieting
. Eating
Sex Avoidance
Sex and Romance
Alcohol Avoidance
Alcohol
Drug Avoidance D
Saving, Hoarding oe
; 2 ; Spending, Debting
RUSS itso ) Bae ane
Compulsive Athleticism Work

Gambling

—
ped 7

Figure 7.2

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 7 |233
 To summarize, each neuropathway provides a solution to specific uncomfortable feelings.
For arousal, it is about pain. Numbing behaviors are usually about anxiety. Fantasy, preoccupation,
and obsession are about shame. And deprivation stems from terror. Notice that each pattern is
driven by a typical fantasy. To understand sexual addiction, we need to both understand the type
of pain involved and to identify the governing fantasy. To do this, we must look at what happens in
the brain when humans are sexual.

Sexual Neuropathways
Eons ago when we evolved as a species on the African plains, we learned to stand
on two legs. Some experts believe that when that occurred, a significant change occurred
in male-female relationships. Women started carrying children in their arms as opposed to
transporting them on their backs. Up to that point we could be mobile and protected in a pack.
It became more functional for a woman carrying a child in her arms to have a male as a protector
and provider. Those who survived were those who developed attachment for one another.
Essentially, researchers believe that because of this shift in human mating, three distinct sexual
neuropathways evolved.
The first to develop was libido or lust, the drive to mate. It was functional for both men
and women to spread their genes for species survival. Men would experience desire for many
women and attempt to have children by them so that their genes would survive. Women would
be receptive because the gene variation would ensure the maximum survival of their children.
We still experience these feelings today when we are attracted to people with whom it makes no
sense emotionally or intellectually to be involved. It is very normal to be struck by another person’s
desirability. We see attractive people in shopping centers, in airports, in the car next to us, in
magazines, and on television. In Chapter 5 when we talked about courtship stages, we noted that
we first notice that someone is attractive, but we do not then necessarily experience desire. We
are, however, attracted to some of these people and this creates a physical reaction. Our hearts
beat faster, we focus on them, our bodies become aroused, and we think about sex with them.
Craving sexual gratification is driven by chemicals called estrogens and androgens. We use terms
like lust, horniness, and libido to describe this reaction. What we mean is that the body becomes
aroused by a reaction that has nothing to do with who that person truly is.
The second neuropathway to evolve was that of attraction or romance. Physical attraction
becomes very important. We crave being with this person and we become exhilarated in his or her
presence. We often smile when we see couples in the “temporary insanity” we call romantic love.
Physically, such couples are experiencing heightened amounts of dopamine and norepinephrine
as well as depressed amounts of serotonin. Scientists hypothesize that this lack of serotonin
is the physical cause for obsessing about one’s partner during romantic attachment. Serotonin
deficiency is in part the source of intrusive thoughts and preoccupation in general. Within six to

234 |Chapter 7 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
eighteen months after the inception of romantic love, dopamine and norepinephrine levels drop and
serotonin levels return to normal; thus, the “temporary insanity” subsides. Couples then draw upon
those neurochemicals that support attachment and bonding, which is the third neuropathway.
The neurochemistry of companionship lies at the core of being with a mate. The physical
manifestations of companionship are shared chores, parenting, mutual grooming, nesting, and
company-keeping. The feelings involved are those of intimacy and trust. Being with the person
means feeling better, calmer, happier, and, according to recent evidence, physically healthier.
The feelings of well-being come from two neuropeptides: oxytocin and vasopressin. If this
companionship is disrupted, the person experiences what psychiatrists call “separation anxiety,”
which means they are upset until the partner returns. This threat of loss is actually a mini-
withdrawal from the source of comfort. It is very functional for us to have these feelings, as they are
essential to the ability to affiliate. In fact, this neurochemistry is part of the larger process of human
bonding in general. Parental bonds, friendship bonds, sibling bonds—all critical relationships draw
on some of the same physiology.
These three neuropathways often work in concert. First you are attracted and aroused,
then you become romantically involved, and, finally, you attach and commit. In the context of that
committed relationship, you will re-experience sexual arousal and romance, though it may ebb and
flow. To put this idea in courtship terms, the dimensions of courtship literally draw their power from
these neuropathways. Figure 7.3 graphically shows how each neuropathway contributes to the
courtship process.

Courtship Dimensions and Sexual Neuropathways

Noticing
_ Attraction
- Touching SEX
estrogen and
Foreplay androgen ROMANCE
Intercourse ;
ew) dopamine
Flirtation norepinephrine RELATIONSHIP

Demonstration reduced serotonin oxytocin

Romance vasopressin

Individualization
Intimacy
Commitment
Renewal

Figure 7.3

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 7 |235
 Sometimes the neuropathways act independently of each other. You can be sexual without
romantic or relationship involvements. Some relationships are not particularly sexual or romantic.
Other relationships are not overtly sexual and never achieve a level of commitment. Problems arise,
however, when the neuropathways work at cross-purposes. While it is more functional to be in a
pair bond, the desire for sex outside the partnership remains. Helen Fisher, one of the pioneers
in developing a better understanding of the neurophysiology of sex, writes, “The vast majority of
human beings around the world marry one person at a time.” Humans have come to the realization
that long-term, monogamous relationships seem to work best for families and societies. She also
observes that divorce is also common across the planet because of, in part, the interplay of these
three distinct emotional systems.

Sexual Neuropathways and Addiction

Many sex addicts take comfort in knowing that everyone can experience tension amongst
their various desires. It is not just the sex addicts who struggle with desire for others when they are
in a committed relationship; we are all Subject to the brain circuitry we have inherited. The problem
for sex addicts is that the chemicals produced in our brains are the most powerful substances
we make. A classic experiment demonstrates just how powerful. In it, rats were first habituated to
heroin and then given the choice between an electrical impulse that stimulated the sexual pleasure
centers of their brains and another dose of heroin. They consistently chose sexual stimulation
over heroin. John Money, a famous sex researcher at Johns Hopkins University, said it succinctly:
“Being love-smitten may even be the prototype of all addiction.”
Think about this in terms of what we now know about neuropathway physiology. To sit for
many hours each day in front of a computer stimulating yourself with pictures of women you do
not Know and will never Know is not what the sexual neuropathway evolved to do. Rather than
helping to ensure the propagation of the species, such individuals become isolated, withdrawn
from those whom they love, and are unable to do their work. Next, consider romance. There are
those who are constantly falling in love simply to experience the rush and intoxication of having
found their “cosmic-chosen” partner. | say cosmic because they expect each new conquest to
bring a lifetime of meaning and happiness. As a result, they bring heart and soul to the relationship.
They find each new partner and relationships so exciting and intimate—until they meet the next
one. Their relationships never evolve into anything durable because they can’t bear to be without
the excitement a new relationship brings. Some seek a solution through multiple simultaneous
romances, which insulate against withdrawal but create many problems. Some people become so
obsessed sexually with their partners that they are constantly jealous and suspicious to the point of
stalking. In addition, they demand sex very often. Such intensity flies in the face of the comfort and
security that grows out of a healthy relationship bond.

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 How can we make sense of all this? We must match the four addiction neuropathways with
the three sexual neuropathways.
Figure 7.4, page 240, shows a matrix we have created from the three sexual neuropathways
and the four addiction neuropathways that models ways people mix and match neuronal pathway
interactions. It can serve as a guide to all the ways we can take our natural inclinations and turn
them into problems. We will review the three sexual neuropathways by each addictive pathway.
Arousal. This neuropathway is about intensity, pleasure, and excitement, but not
necessarily courtship. When problematic, addicts become so pleasure driven, they are unable to
function in their daily lives and sex becomes a self-destructive priority. All focus is on erotic behavior
with little attention paid to self or others. This behavior, in addition to being high intensity, is often
high-risk or dangerous. If the addict is a trauma survivor, violence may even serve as an escalator
of sexual arousal. For some, pain or even the trauma itself becomes part of the arousal pattern.
When addictive arousal stems from romance, the roller coaster of new love itself becomes
the intensity fix. Romance junkies are constantly looking for the cosmic person who will make
everything in life right. Falling in love repeatedly or simultaneously becomes the antidote to their
inner pain. For these individuals, romance is often highly volatile and intensely sexual. They are
often attracted to people who are dangerous, unreachable, unavailable, or incomprehensible (aloof
or unreadable)—or all of the above. When relationships do emerge, they also tend to be volatile,
intense, and somehow dangerous. Movies like War of the Roses, Fatal Attraction, and Disclosure
depict how such relationships escalate. Traumatic bonding (attraction to a person who hurts you),
stalking (obsession with a sexual partner), and codependency (out-of-control loyalty to another
person) thrive in these relationships because of fear and terror. Often these relationships cycle
through periods of intense sex after risky events or breakups.
Numbing. I|n any relationship, sex can serve as a way to relax or feel better. Problems
occur, however, when sex is used compulsively to reduce anxiety. Sex addicts seek sexual
release as a way to cope with the stress of daily living. They have a desperate need to achieve the
feeling of post-orgasmic euphoria and calm just to get through the day. Having sex to the point
of exhaustion as a routine path to sleep, numbing sex after high-risk behaviors (typical of trauma
survivors), or compulsive sex to the point of self-injury or pain are examples of sex that is no longer
about pleasure and connection with another. It has instead become a way to manage internal
discomfort. Sex can be highly ritualized for these addicts, and if their rituals are disturbed, they can
become very anxious.
Romance and falling in love become a “fix” as well. Addicts become anxious if they are not
with a partner; they believe that something is wrong. If no romantic feelings occur or if the feelings
go away, anxiety rises. Nurturing and comfort become more important than the person providing
them. Being in love is preferable to the internal distress of loneliness. In healthy relationships,
attachment brings comfort. Love addicts, however, will tolerate not liking how they are with that

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 7 |237
person or not liking the person with whom they’re in the relationship because this state of affairs is
better than being alone. Thus, love addiction often means tolerating the intolerable and accepting
the miserable. Worse yet, for many it means accepting the improbable. Love addicts will accept
elaborate distortions of reality rather than face abandonment in any form. They may stay in a
relationship no matter what the costs, even when they include battering, addiction, abuse, and
deprivation. Many codependents struggle with compulsive relationships.
Fantasy. For some sex addicts, obsession and preoccupation with sex, in and of
themselves, become a solution to a painful reality. Their use of sexual stimulation to maintain
pleasurable feelings creates long periods of time during which they have little connection with or
interaction with the world around them. They can procrastinate over difficult tasks, ignore grief, and
escape unbearable feelings by cruising for endless hours, by going into the trance of cybersex, or
by continually plotting to gain a glimpse of nudity. Living in such a fantasy world allows sex that is
divorced from reality.
Romantic preoccupation can serve the same function. Researching and planning intrigues
takes time and provides an escape from life. Email and Internet chatroom relationships often
become more real and more important than real relationships. Some romance addicts have
romantic fantasies so complete that the person with whom they are having an affair has no idea of
the addict’s feelings; to them, no romance exists. Compulsive relationships can also be based on
fantasy life. In such cases, the relationship focus grows out of imagined qualities in the partner. The
partner’s charisma, or an excessive feeling of gratitude toward the partner, can propel the addict
to stay in an unhealthy relationship and dismiss reality. Cults, sexual misconduct, and betrayal
often have a mystique built on a fantasy life. And there always seems to be a unique reason why
the “secret” cannot be revealed. All of this is intensely sexual. Compulsive fantasy, whether sexual,
romantic, or relationship, can lead to stalking behaviors in which the obsession is enhanced by
gathering information or discovery.
Deprivation. Deprivation is compulsive avoidance of a need as a way to deal with terror
or fear. Anything erotic or sexually suggestive is rejected. Sex is perceived as threatening, not
pleasurable, and at best, it is humdrum or tolerable. People who have a history of sexual abuse
often have an internal rule that says they cannot have sex with people who matter to them. As a
result, important relationships become compulsively nonsexual.
Extreme distrust of romantic feelings or initiatives may also exist. For some, Romance is,
at best, seeking an arrangement. In her book Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power
to Change the Way You Love, Pia Mellody describes people in this situation as being “avoidants.”
These people compulsively avoid relationships, and in so doing, they are isolated, lonely,
emotionally restricted, and have poor to nonexistent communication skills. Sexual and emotional
anorexics can have deep attachments but they will never admit this.

238 |Chapter 7 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 Deprivation becomes something of a balance wheel for sex addicts. Some are sexually out
of control in general, but they are compulsively deprived with those with whom they are intimate.
Other sex addicts live a binge-purge existence.
Figure 7.4 summarizes the four addiction neuropathways and the three sexual
neuropathways. Together they form a matrix of the neuronal pathways that make up sex addiction
and its deprivation counterpart. This chart can help you identify the fundamental rhythms of your
addiction. Moreover, it can help you understand that the signals your body is giving you have
become distorted, and this distortion helps reduce their strength and makes them easier to ignore.
The key to recovery is learning how to separate such distortions from the true expressions of your
sexuality. In order to start that process, you will need to explore your arousal template—which we
will do in the following section.
Before proceeding, however, please review the sexual addiction matrix and personalize
it by identifying those areas in your life in which your sexual activity has become addictive. An
empty matrix is provided for you below. In each square in which you think your behavior fits, record
examples of the behavior and rate how powerful it has been in your life. Completing this task will
prepare you to look at your arousal template.

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 7 |239
The Sexual Addiction Matrix
Sexual Neuropathway
Romance Relationships

All focus is on erotic Romance junkies turn Volatile, intense and

behavior, excitement, new love into a “fix.” They often dangerous
and orgasm. High fall into love repeatedly relationships. Traumatic
intensity, risk, and or simultaneously. Roller- bonding, stalking,
danger are often coaster romances are and codependency
associated. Trauma highly sexual, volatile, thrive in abandonment
survivors may and dangerous. Partners or dangerous
incorporate pain and are often unreachable, collaborations. Cycles of
trauma into behavior. unavailable, or sex and breakups.
incomprehensible.

Sex is used to soothe Romance becomes a way Compulsive

the anxiety and stress to manage anxiety. Person relationships include
of daily life. Sex is becomes anxious if not tolerating the
used to sleep, to calm in love with someone. intolerable—battering,
down high-risk takers, How you are and who the addiction, abuse, and
or to manage internal other is does not match. deprivation. Person will
discomfort. Anxiety The only goal is to be with distort reality rather than
occurs when highly someone. face abandonment.
ritualized behavior is
frustrated or disturbed.

Obsession and Person avoids life Compulsive

preoccupation become problems through romantic relationships are built
the solution to painful preoccupation. Planning, on distorted fantasy.
reality. Fantasy is intrigue, and research fill Charisma, role,
an escape used to the void. Emails and chats, Cause, gratitude play
Neuropathway
Addiction procrastinate, avoid magical romance, and role in cults, sexual
grief, and ignore pain. stalking are more real than misconduct, and
family. betrayal.
Mystique is built on
secrecy and belief in
uniqueness.

Anything erotic or Extreme distrust of Avoids relationships.

suggestive is rejected. romantic feelings or Isolated, lonely,
Sex is threatening and instincts. At best, person restricted emotions,
not pleasurable. Sex seeks “arrangement.” and poor or nonexistent
may be OK if the other communication skills.
does not matter.

Figure 7.4

yhapter 7 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

Matrix Exercise
Review the Sexual Addiction Matrix and identify which “squares” fit your behavior. Make your
own matrix by listing behaviors in the squares that fit for you. Leave squares empty that do not fit. In
the ones you have listed behaviors, rate yourself from one to five in terms of power with one being
low and five being high. When finished, share with your support group, sponsor or therapist.

Sexual Neuropathway
Erotic Romance Relationships

Using prostitutes on trios. |Having sex with employ- High involvement with
ees and professional Jane who stalked. Kept
“relationships.” Office trying to break it off. Seen
romances. Affair with a with her in public places.
neighbor.

Low 1 2 3 4 5 High Low 1 2 3 4 5 High Low 1 2 3 4 5 High

Low 1 2 3 4 5 High Low 1 2 3 4 5 High Low 1 2 3 4 5 High

Low 1 2 3 4 5 High Low 1 2 3 4 5 High Low 1 2 3 4 5 High

Fantasy
Addiction
Neuropathway

: Low 1 2 3 4 5 High Low 1 2 3 4 5 High Low 1 2 3 4 5 High

| Deprivation

Low 1 2 3 4 5 High Low 1 2 3 4 5 High Low 1 2 3 4 5 High

Figure 7.5

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 7 |241
Sexual Health Matrix
Addicts who are in early recovery tend view to all things sexual as bad or dangerous. After
you complete the Sexual Addiction Matrix, you may find it useful to keep in mind our discussion
of the neuropathways and think of them from the perspective of sexual health. Yes, these same
neuropathways can also be life-enhancing. When have the same neuropathways had a significantly
positive effect on your life? For example, rather than addictive arousal, when have you experienced
life-giving passion? Rather than mindless numbing, think of reflective calming. Instead of obsessive
escapism into fantasy, think of focus. Finally, have there been times in your life when being
nonsexual had a positive effect on your life rather than detracting from it? (We call these times
“moments of asceticism” —i.e., going without for higher purpose.) Out of this reframing we can
construct a new matrix that focuses instead on sexual health. Go through each square and record
examples of times when sex, romance, or relationships added to your life. Again, leave squares
blank if you have no examples. Rate each square in which you have made an entry from one to
five in terms of life enhancement. Ask yourself if this event made your life a little bit better (one on
the scale) to dramatically better (five on the scale). After completing the task, use the questions
provided to reflect on both matrixes.

Sex Romance Relationships

— Low 1 2 3 4 5 High Low 1 2 3 4 5 High

Calming

Low 1 2 3 4 5 High Low 1 23 45 High | Low 1 2 3 4 5 High

— Low 1 2 3 4 5 High | Low 1 2 3 4 5 High

—.... Low 1 2 3 4 5 High | Low 1 2 3 4 5 High

Figure 7.6

242 |Chapter 7 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 Matrix Reflection Questions
The following questions will help you reflect on how your matrix works:
What are the differences between your addictive behavior and your healthy sexual behavior? Was it
difficult to differentiate between the two? If so, what does that teach you about recovery?

Are there parallels between the two matrixes? What do you notice about what is left blank?

Which matrix was harder to do? What do you think the reason for this is?

Contrast your highest ratings for addiction power with your highest ratings for life enhancement.
What are the implications of this result for your recovery?

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 7 |243
The Arousal Template
As a child matures, an arousal template is formed. Family messages, early sexual
experiences, church influences, childhood abuse, magazines, television and movies, and a variety
of other factors flow together to create an internal process called sexual arousal. Part of the arousal
template is formed intentionally by church, culture, and family while other parts are formed quite
accidentally, as we shall see. Remember that arousal is a physical phenomenon. As such, it will
operate using the same principles your body does. Your immunological system scans for patterns
of threatening microorganisms that fit the pattern of a threatening bacteria and it immediately
organizes an attack on cells. Likewise, your brain constantly searches for patterns that are familiar
in order to make sense of them. There is a sexual scan that occurs to see if a pattern fits. The
arousal template for each person can be unique and quite specific. Here are some recent stories |
have run across:

Jake’s mom often walked nude in front of him when he was a child and an
adolescent. As an adult, Jake developed a problem with voyeurism and in fact had
two major relationships with strippers who took care of him and then left him for
someone else.
Freddie’s dad had a large pornography collection that he allowed his son to use.
As an adult, Freddie took a part-time job for a time working as a bartender in a strip
club. Often, he would have one-night stands with women who worked in the club.
Soon thereafter, he discovered the Internet and began to access pornography Web
sites. He was soon downloading pornography three hours a day and most of every
weekend.
As a youngster, Sam became sexually fascinated with lingerie ads he stumbled
across in a department store catalog. He would tear out the lingerie pages and stuff
them under his mattress. When he learned to masturbate, he used these pages to
stimulate himself. As an adult, Sam discovered the Internet and was soon spending
about two hours every day downloading pictures of women in lingerie. When he
came into treatment, he had more than a hundred CDs full of pictures of women in
lingerie. He had met his then-current girlfriend in church. Her occupation? A sales
representative for lingerie companies.

All three of these men had a problem with voyeurism, or visual sex. Did you notice,
however, that the route each followed into his problem was different? They were each seeking
out and following a different sexual pattern that had started early in life. Jake’s preoccupation with
women who strip and with abandonment started with his mother’s behavior. Freddie learned at a
young age about hoarding pornography. And Sam's fixation with lingerie really started in a family
that never talked about sex—the catalog provided his only access to sexual “information.” They

244 |Chapter 7 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 each formed a template that filtered all sexual stimulation, allowed only certain patterns to enter,
and thus limited their sexual options. Then came obsession and ritualization, and the addictive
cycle was born. Disrupting this cycle starts with understanding the pattern-seeking characteristics
of your body and how the arousal template was formed. In so doing, you can begin to broaden
your sexual stimuli and to introduce new sexual options that are more functional and healthy.
The arousal template can already be discerned between the ages of five and eight; hence
events early in life can have a profound impact on the emerging sexual self. Cybersex has already
taught us that adults can experience significant alteration of their arousal template under the
hypnotic influence of electronic sex. Thanks to cybersex, people rapidly form new obsessions that
become so fixed, they have the power of early childhood experiences. This fact is very important
because for many years we believed that the arousal templates were firmly fixed and unalterable.
Now we realize they can be supplemented or even replaced. The downside is that the template
can still lead to obsession. The upside is that change is possible. For change to take place,
however, you must understand your current template, beginning with feelings, especially anger.

Sexualized Feelings
Consider the following:
Many Web sites dedicated to voyeurism frequently post nude pictures of spouses, ex-
girlfriends, and ex-spouses submitted by men who report that these women do not know about
the posting. To post a nude picture for others’ sexual gratification without that person’s knowledge
or permission is an angry and vengeful act. The opposite also occurs. Angry “ex’s” post nude
pictures of themselves to retaliate for being rejected.
An airline pilot has a problem with compulsive affairs in an industry in which this problem
is all too common. He comes, however, from a very devout and restrictive religious tradition and is
tormented with shame and guilt. He is the father of three and a deacon in his church. But he also
has had sex with more than five hundred women in about fifteen years. In therapy, he realizes that
he has anger toward the church and anger toward his wife. His breakthrough came when he had
a fight with his wife and immediately felt an extreme desire to be sexual outside the marriage. His
therapist helped him see that his inability to adequately respond to his wife triggered the sexual
acting out. He could get revenge without her knowing it and restore internal “equality” for himself.
The pilot learned how dysfunctional his inability to get angry with his wife was, how his feelings
about the church and its sexual teachings supercharged his acting out, and how his compulsive
behavior was fueled in part by his sexualized rage.
A lovely college-educated African-American woman worked as a stripper. She had a history
of extensive sexual and physical abuse by men in her family. She described to her therapist the
sexual gratification she felt when men took out their wallets to get money to put on the stage or
in her garter. In her view, she had humiliated them and saw them as despicable. She felt superior,

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 7 |245
powerful, and sexual. Her therapist pointed out how this situation merely recycled the abuse
experiences in her family. She became powerful and rageful when sexual. Nor was this dynamic
restricted to her dancing. She had a history of being sexual with teachers, a college professor,
and her doctor. Sex was the great equalizer with the many men with whom she had been sexual.
Unfortunately, it also left her with suicidal feelings, a deep emptiness, a sexual addiction, and a
pernicious drug habit.
A white accountant who had always lived by the rules discovered his wife had had a series
of affairs with African-American men. He felt very betrayed and angry, but also obsessed about
and aroused by what she had done. He reported that the hottest sex they had ever had was when
he was gathering details of her exploits. He then discovered cybersex and went to the sites that
featured African-American men with white women. He went downhill fast. He was averaging thirty
hours a week doing cybersex and neglecting his job. He started to collect pornography of African-
American and white couples and became a regular customer for prostitutes. His asking his wife for
details became badgering and harassing. When he was asked by his therapist if he had stalked his
wife, he said that he would never do that. The therapist rephrased the question and asked if he
had followed his wife. “Absolutely,” he responded. Actually, he had her under surveillance all the
time. The therapist helped the patient understand the role of unresolved anger in his now-sexually
compulsive pattern. In therapy, his wife also admitted that even her selection of African-American
men was about her anger.
The wife of a high-profile man went to a therapist because of her extreme unhappiness and
depression. She had been sexually acting out in many ways for more than a decade. She reported
she had even had oral sex with a male stripper in public. Her husband did not know about this or
her other activities. But that he could learn of it was erotic for her. This woman’s therapist observed
that it may have been erotic, but it was also angry. Such a public display was designed to humiliate
and embarrass her successful partner. It was as if she was toying with his humiliation while not
actually carrying it out. In addition, she could then obsess about it. Her therapist explained that the
“perverse” part of perversion is often vengeful or defiant anger.
In each of these cases, anger and eroticism became intertwined or fused. The mecha-
nisms for this process are easy to understand, but to begin, we have to look at arousal templates
more closely.
AS we grow up, we incorporate our life experiences and our sexual experiences with
what we are told or learn about sex into a sexual belief system, or template. What we learn about
relationships and family also becomes part of our template. This template builds on preferences
already determined by our genetic code. Whether we like tall or short, blonds or redheads —all
our preferences are determined by a mix of physiology and culturally-based learning. AS we move
through adolescence and into adulthood, this template becomes our guide to what we feel to be
erotic. Much of this template remains at an unconscious level.

246 |Chapter 7 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 Almost anything can become part of the arousal template. A rural child growing up where
there was no running water might have snuck up behind an outhouse to peer in and watch female
family members urinate. Curiosity and arousal could then become connected with urination. As an
adult, this person might view urination as a cue for arousal. Pornography of women urinating or
spy-cams in rest rooms or prostitutes willing to give “golden showers” could all become extensions
of that original scenario or story. Similarly, some men become fascinated as adolescents with girls
who smoke. As adults, they seek restaurants or parks near high schools where they can watch
girls smoke, or they might drive by areas where girls smoke. They might also take a short-cut by
logging on to the net and seek out the many web sites dedicated to girls (who are not necessarily
nude) smoking.
As objects, situations, or scenarios become eroticized, so do feelings that accompany
them. Many psychology experiments have consistently shown that people were viewed as more
attractive when the subjects perceived fear or risk either to themselves or that person. Fear and
risk is a well-documented neurochemical escalator of the sexual experience, as is pain. Many
female victims of violent childhood sexual abuse report that as adults, they are unable to be
orgasmic unless their male partner is hurting them. | have had many traumatized female clients tell
me that they could not even masturbate unless they put astringent or abrasive materials in their
vaginas. They could not even stimulate themselves without the pain.
Consider the very successful scientist who told of a violent childhood. He can remember
his father battering his mother so badly, he could hear her body hit the wall in the next room. He
would masturbate to comfort himself in his anxiety. He also had a problem wetting the bed and
defecating in his nightclothes until he was six. As an aduit, he found fear erotic—any kind of fear.
He would compulsively seek high-risk sex. Even his own feces and urine were highly arousing. To
use the clinical term, coprophilia, hardly captures the full picture of what happened to this man.
Behind what many would call perverse behavior is a severely traumatized child.
In the same fashion, anger becomes eroticized. First, anger occurs in situations of high risk
and fear. Anger adds intensity to the sexual experience and becomes a neurochemical escalator,
just as fear does. Second, anger often lies at the core scenarios, stories, and beliefs embedded
in the arousal template. Therefore, current sexual behavior can draw enormous energy from past
wounds and experience. Finally, anger becomes the sexual stimulus for some people. In order
to make sense of how anger can have such an effect, we have to break the situations down into
component types or profiles.

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 7 |247
Power and the Restoration of Self
In this profile, sex is used to restore power in some way. In the case above in which the
husband could not deal with conflict with his spouse, he restored his sense of self by acting
out in a way in which she had no control. He believed that he deserved sex because he was so
misunderstood and that his wife deserved what he did because her behavior was so bad. How
can this be retaliation if she never finds out what he’s doing? The possibility that she might find
out makes the behavior’s value for her husband almost as great as if he had done it in front of her.
(It is also important to note that their relationship also involved an intimacy disorder because their
inability to create intimacy is part of their problem.) The husband’s misguided attempt to deal with
his frustrations resulted in the sexually compulsive behavior of a sex addict. Addiction is often the
“solution” to an intimacy deficit.
Attempting to achieve relationship parity in this way is one of the most common profiles of
eroticized rage. Coincidentally, it is also one of the most common causes of affairs. Consider the
story of Tammy. While she was growing up, Tammy was often embarrassed by her father’s frequent
sexually inappropriately behaviors in public. Her father acted similarly at home, walking around in
the nude, for example. He had many affairs and sexually abused Tammy’s three sisters. Therein
began Tammy’s problem. Like many siblings of abused children, Tammy often asked herself why
her father had not approached her for sex. He did, however, like to look at her body and often
commented about her sexual develooment. Tammy would deliberately take showers in her father’s
bathroom so he would have the opportunity to observe her, even though she had a bathroom of
her own to use.
Tammy grew into a statuesque, beautiful woman. When she was seventeen, she was
caught shoplifting clothes. The shopkeeper pulled her into a back room and told her she could
keep the clothes if she would show him her breasts. She did and he pleasured himself. She left
with the clothes and a unique feeling. She felt he had betrayed his vulnerability. Sex had reversed
the situation in that she was no longer a desperate teenager about to be turned into the police
by an authority figure. That power figure had instead become pathetic and disgusting in her eyes.
Moreover, exhibiting her body was very sexually arousing and satisfying to her. And she had the
clothes.
This scenario repeated over and over again in various ways in the coming years. As a high-
powered advertising executive, Tammy kept accounts on several occasions where she was asked
to have sex by a client. She would have relationships, usually with older men who were powerful
and unattractive. She still felt that she was in control because of their sexual desperation. For a
time she was engaged to a man who was much older and weighed three hundred pounds. She
enjoyed sex with him. The best sex for her, however, came after they broke up when he would
leave her money. Watching a man take money out of his wallet was very erotic for her, and she
knew she had “won” at that point.

248 |Chapter 7 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 Tammy also liked to drive down the freeway with her dress hiked up to expose her genitals
and her blouse open to expose her breasts. She would pull up next to trucks and feel great
pleasure when truckers would pull their air-horn cords in approval. When Tammy got into recovery
for alcoholism, she was extremely sexually active with men she met in A.A. meetings. The list goes
on. Suffice it to say that Tammy’s life was out of control and eventually, she became suicidal.
In treatment, Tammy admitted that she had several standing arrangements with the owners
of prestigious clothing stores on fashionable Rodeo Drive in Hollywood. She could pick out the
clothes she wanted if she would strip for these merchants. They would pleasure themselves and
she would walk away feeling superior. This behavior, as you can see, was simply a repetition of
what had happened to her when she was a teenager. Her therapist helped Tammy understand
that it also replicated her taking showers in her father’s bathroom to get him to notice her. Tammy
admitted that the clothing store where she loved to do this was around the corner from her
father’s upscale apartment. Something about his proximity made her sexual acting out even more
compelling. It was then that she confessed to actually having sex with a man in her father’s bed on
the night of one of his weddings.
Tammy’s story illustrates a common phenomenon among trauma survivors in that her
behavior replicates the way she was abused as a child. Trauma specialists have described
this as “repetition compulsion” or “addiction to the trauma.” This sexually compulsive behavior
provides a “rush” based on an arousal template she evolved while trying to make sense of her
own relationship with her father. Note further, however, that Tammy was also trying to “complete”
herself. It’s also important to recognize the cyclic nature of her feelings during her sexual acting out.
Tammy was desperate for her father’s approval however she could get it. Though she was angry
about his treatment of her and despised how he behaved, getting his attention and then feeling
that she was a better person than he was by exposing him for what he was created the internal
dynamic and payoff that drove her dysfunctional behavior. When Tammy finally understood all of
this, she was able to arrest her compulsive cycles. She also realized that while on the surface she
looked like a victim who was being used by men, at a deeper part she was actually the predator
driven by her anger and hatred of men.
Sexualized anger can be used in an attempt to restore a sense of self, and when this
happens, it commonly involves some form of abuse and power. In studies of women and sex
addiction, this power dynamic and an attempt to “prop up” the self are frequently present. Sex-
offender literature regularly describes parallel behaviors in offenders who attempt to compensate
for poor self-image by replicating childhood abuse and a rage for women that comes out sexually.
Sexualized anger becomes a vehicle for addicts to feel better about themselves by creating a new
relationship parity using sex.

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 7 |249
Humiliation, Vengeance, and Retaliation
You may have noticed that the examples we have used thus far in this discussion involve
some form of humiliation or revenge. The attempt to restore the self via sexualized rage can extend
to diminishing another person. This might be a sexual partner—the merchants to whom Tammy
felt superior, for example, or a stripper feeling disgust for the men who tip her. This might also be
a marital partner, such as in the woman who performed public oral sex. Further, it might be, again
in Tammy’s case, humiliating a parent in person or indirectly, such as despoiling his marital bed on
his wedding night. Posting a nude picture of one’s ex-wife for all to see without her permission has
both a sexual and a vengeful component. Usually when sexualized rage becomes vengeful, the
root issues are deep and profound. Consider this next example.
When Louise was sixteen, she became pregnant and gave up her son for adoption.
Unknown to her, her son, Sam, was raised in a physically abusive home. He became a drug
addict and went through several cycles of rehabilitation. When he was thirty-three years old, he
conducted a successful search for his birth mother. Louise was thrilled to be able to have contact
with her son. She was in a second marriage of sixteen years and had raised two children. She had
settled into a middle-class, orderly life and had a somewhat matronly appearance. She still had
many unresolved feelings, however, about having given up her son for adoption.
Louise went to visit her son while he was in an extended-care facility. In her hotel room,
she massaged his shoulders which he said were hurting. The massage ended up with mother and
son having sex. When Sam left the extended-care facility, he asked Louise if he could come to live
with Louise and her husband until he found a job and got on his feet. Louise agreed, and within
a month, their home had turned into chaos. Part of the cause stemmed from Louise and Sam
continuing to have sex—which came to a stop when Louise’s husband found them in bed together.
Sam was asked to leave and Louise became suicidal and began using amphetamines. Her routine,
uneventful, middle-class existence had evaporated.
During treatment, Louise was stunned to realize how she had violated her own value
system and hurt her husband, whom she dearly loved. Using the details of her sexual experience
with her son—that it was more angry than passionate and that she was naked while he remained
mostly dressed, for example—Louise’s therapist and group helped her realize that it was intended
to degrade and humiliate her. Sam’s anger at being abandoned was compounded by his physical
abuse in the home in which he was raised. Sex became a vehicle for his rage. Louise said she
actually understood this at the time, which added to her amazement at her continuing to have sex
with him. Her therapist then introduced her to the concept of traumatic bonding, explaining how
Sam’s presence induced fear and drew power from the guilt and sadness of an old wound. This
new understanding allowed Louise to begin to see which parts of this sad situation she was
responsible for and those for which she was not.

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 What happened to Sam and Louise actually happens to many people. Anger and pain
related to old betrayals and abuse can be carried into adulthood sexually. Sam blamed his mother
for what happened to him, when in fact Louise had taken a responsible action in trying to give him
a better life. Sam’s perception was, obviously, different and he acted out sexually in an attempt
to humiliate his mother. Yet having sex with one’s mother only brings up another dimension of
sexualized rage: perversion.

Perversion
One of the great researchers on perversion, Robert Stoller, tells the story of his initial
investigation into the pornography industry. Every pornography producer he interviewed said that
if pornography were legal and had widespread acceptance (or even tolerance), they would never
have bothered to become involved. These producers essentially said that the thrill in making
sexually explicit movies came from finding pleasure in disapproval. By putting sex in “its face,”
they were striking back at our culture for its control and rigidity. This rebelliousness or defiance of
convention also grows out of anger.
Individual sexual behavior is sometimes simply perverse. For the wife of a public official
to publicly perform oral sex on male strippers is perverse. To barter sex for clothes at a store just
around the corner from the residence of a controlling father is perverse. To have sex with your
mother is more than just an act of defiance. To have many affairs behind the back of the woman
with whom you live in a restrictive and judgmental religious community is clearly to break the
rules. This perversity also sends a message about convention, control, and relationships. Notice,
however, that such perversity is often a private joke. By acting out sexually, one is toying with the
possibility that the person with whom you are angry might discover your actions. In this sense,
it has elements of a gambling obsession. All of this behavior also clearly adds to the risk and
intensity of the act. Perversion works best if it outrages others. Perverse behaviors outrage only
when they are very “unusual,” yet there is irony here because we know that such behaviors are, in
fact, quite common.

Obsession
Anger can also fuel sexual obsession. This occurs especially in cases of betrayal and
jealousy. In the case we examined earlier in which a man’s wife had had affairs with African-
American men, he tortured himself with his preoccupation about her behavior. This obsession was
intensely sexual and overtly hostile. That it evolved into stalking behavior is not at all unusual, either.
When obsessive anger is present, conventional societal rules are suspended. The stalkers, for
example, justify their behavior because they keep “building their case” against the person who they
believe betrayed them. Sex addiction coaddicts can also justify stalking. They can become sexually
obsessed with the sex addict’s behaviors and will then go to the extreme of breaking their spouse's

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 7 |251
privacy by, for example, hiring a private detective to spy on the spouse, go through personal
papers and diaries, and review bills and credit card statements.
There is even a web site dedicated to helping people with this type of surveillance. A
woman had discovered that her husband was using their computer for cybersex. When she
learned that he was having affairs via email and downloading pornography, she was outraged.
She found a surveillance web site that was designed to track men who cheat on the web. From
it, she learned how to use her work computer to disguise her identity and then initiated a torrid
chatroom affair with her husband. She also installed a surveillance system on their home computer
that automatically tallied and emailed to her work computer a description of everything he did
on his computer. She was aware of all his online behavior while he had no idea that this was
happening. She also discovered and regularly visited a web site whose participants (approximately
three thousand people per week) talked about what their husbands were currently up to. Anger,
perversity, getting even, finding revenge, and obsessiveness—all the components of eroticized rage
were there. And she completed the charade by continuing to have sex with her husband as though
nothing had changed.
Addicts and co-addicts are surprised to learn that anger is a component of their sexual
behavior. They overlook the obvious for several reasons. First, they are aware of the sex, but not of
the anger. People caught up in compulsive cycles or repetitive patterns are especially prone to this
trap. No feelings—anger, fear, sadness, or pain— survive their obsession. Second, these people
have created a complex web of thought distortions and rationalizations that preclude feeling any
responsibility whatsoever for their actions. When an activity is not viewed as your fault, any feelings
of guilt or remorse or shame are hidden.
Addicts need the help of their group, their sponsor, and a therapist to discover the dynamics
of their family or the legacy of abuse in the their life. Typically, addicts do not initially welcome these
realizations, but over time they can see them as the breakthrough events they truly are.

Anatomy of Arousal
To gain a greater understanding of your own behavior patterns, you must begin by making
them explicit. The following exercises will help you do so. First, embedded in most arousal
templates is an ideal fantasy that needs to be understood. The following exercises will also help
you discover this. In addition, you will be asked to examine those ideal fantasies and determine
where the fantasies come from. This is difficult work and is best done in consultation with your
support network.
Remember that fantasies are a way of “envisioning” the future. Recovering people
recognize that specific fantasies are key components of the obsessive preoccupation that leads to
relapse. Examining these fantasies to discover how they started and to acknowledge their probable
outcomes helps diminish their power. Begin by describing the fantasy and specify what makes it

252 |Chapter 7 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 ideal. Let us use the example of Art, a man who came to treatment because he was caught in his
best friend’s home masturbating with the underclothes of his friend’s wife. Here is his fantasy:

Fantasy: Sneaking into a woman’s home and watching pornography on her TV.
Going into her bedroom, finding undergarments, and masturbating.
When asked what would make the fantasy ideal he said: The home would
be of someone whom | Knew and was attracted to. | would bring my own videos,
but the ultimate would be if | could find pornographic videos used or viewed by this
person. It would be incredible if these tapes contained home videos of this person.
The very best would happen when | next saw the person and | could tell she had
undergarments on that | had touched. The whole idea is to be very sexual around
this person without her Knowing I’d been using her stuff. |am the perfect sex burglar.
When asked whether such a fantasy was possible to achieve, Art wrote:
It is possible and | have done it. But it has never been perfect. The chances of
finding other people’s home videos are pretty remote. Never happened for me. The
truth is that it takes a tremendous amount of work for little payoff, even if you set
aside the legal risks.
When asked about the risks and the most likely result, Art wrote:
Exactly what happened. | got caught and now all my friends know. In part, it has
cost me my marriage and all the friendships | had. The possibility of doing this
without a problem is zero. Plus, | still have the legal problems.

Every sexual fantasy has embedded in it a story or scenario. It is critical to understand

where that story comes from and what it has done to your life. The hardest part for some is just to
see the story. Once the story is clear, you must next ask where this came from? Family? Childhood
abuse? Accidental discovery? And why do you think it is so compelling? When Art was asked
these questions, he wrote:

About the story: Basically, it is about sneaking in and being sexual with that
person without her knowing.
About where it came from: When | was a kid, | was left alone at a friend’s
house where | discovered his father’s pornography and watched it. | was so
aroused that | went through his mom’s dresser, found her panties and bras, and
masturbated. Later on, | found it very stimulating to notice something she had
on that | had looked at. My ideal fantasy virtually replicates the whole event that
occurred when | was thirteen.
About impact on life: The biggest loss is not my family and friends, although
that is huge. This fantasy changed everything. | did not relate to women except as
homeowners. To be sexual, sex had to be stolen.

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 7 |253
 The following pages include fantasy worksheets that will ask you to describe a fantasy, the
ideal, the probability of it happening, the risks involved in doing so, the history, and the impact.
Before you begin, it would be a good idea for you to return to Chapter 6 and examine the
worksheets you did there on relapse scenarios (pages 186-188) Start by reviewing the fantasy
driving each relapse scenario you diagrammed in that chapter. If other fantasies are part of your
addictive obsession, complete worksheets on them as well. Use your therapy and support group
to discuss the results of this work. Remember, this can be triggering material. Do not work on this
alone, and pay attention to the painful feelings this work brings out in you.

254 |Chapter 7 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 Fantasy Worksheet 1
This worksheet will help you analyze fantasies that would be part of relapse for you.
Complete a worksheet for each fantasy that plays a part in your addiction. Start with fantasies
that were part of the relapse scenarios you outlined in Chapter 6. Incorporate any others that are
appropriate. Use extra paper if necessary. Use this material with your group and therapist.

Describe the fantasy.

What would make the fantasy ideal—in other words, the best it could possibly be?

Is the fantasy actually possible?

What are the risks involved with carrying out this fantasy? What most likely would be the result of
doing it?

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 7 |255
 ls there a story or scenario in the fantasy? If so, how is it like other parts of your life?

Where did the story come from? (Start with your earliest memory of the fantasy if you cannot
pinpoint how it started.)

How has this fantasy affected your life?

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 Fantasy Worksheet 2

Describe the fantasy.

What would make the fantasy ideal—in other words, the best it could possibly be?

Is the fantasy actually possible?

What are the risks involved with carrying out this fantasy? What most likely would be the result of
doing it?

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 7 |257
 Is there a story or scenario in the fantasy? If so, how is it like other parts of your life?

Where did the story come from? (Start with your earliest memory of the fantasy if you cannot
pinpoint how it started.)

How has this fantasy affected your life?

258 |Chapter 7 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 Fantasy Worksheet 3

Describe the fantasy.

What would make the fantasy ideal—in other words, the best it could possibly be?

Is the fantasy actually possible?

What are the risks involved with carrying out this fantasy? What most likely would be the result of
doing it?

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 7 |259
 Is there a story or scenario in the fantasy? If so, how is it like other parts of your life?

Where did the story come from? (Start with your earliest memory of the fantasy if you cannot
pinpoint how it started.)

How has this fantasy affected your life?

260 |Chapter 7 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 Fantasy Worksheet 4

Describe the fantasy.

What would make the fantasy ideal—in other words, the best it could possibly be?

Is the fantasy actually possible?

What are the risks involved with carrying out this fantasy? What most likely would be the result of
doing it?

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 7 |261
 Is there a story or scenario in the fantasy? If so, how is it like other parts of your life?

Where did the story come from? (Start with your earliest memory of the fantasy if you cannot
pinpoint how it started.)

How has this fantasy affected your life?

262 |Chapter 7 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 Fantasy Worksheet 5

Describe the fantasy.

What would make the fantasy ideal—in other words, the best it could possibly be?

Is the fantasy actually possible?

What are the risks involved with carrying out this fantasy? What most likely would be the result of
doing it’?

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 7 |263
 Is there a story or scenario in the fantasy? If so, how is it like other parts of your life?

Where did the story come from? (Start with your earliest memory of the fantasy if you cannot
pinpoint how it started.)

How has this fantasy affected your life?

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Arousal Template
Your next task is to detail the components of your arousal patterns. The components listed
below usually appear in an arousal template:

= Feelings that have become eroticized in some way—eroticized rage, fear, shame,
or pain
= Locations you are in—such as hotel rooms, shopping centers, parks, certain parts of
town, specific cities or countries, beaches
= Sensations—sounds (modem starting), smells (certain perfumes), visual cues (type
of dress)
=" Objects—automobiles, computer keyboards, sex toys, school uniforms, lingerie
=» Processes—smoking, urination, violence, degradation, humiliation
# Body types/body parts—builds, shapes, muscles, wrinkles, stretch marks
=» Partner characteristics—age, marital status, personality (do you, for example, prefer
a vulnerable, hurting woman; an unreachable, elegant woman; unavailable men)
# Culture—Catholic schoolgirls, Asian women, African-American men, Hispanic gay men
=" Courtship stages and beliefs—parts of courtship that become obsessive;
dysfunctional courtship beliefs (women tease; men only want sex)

Beyond fantasies, there are usually categories of specific triggers for arousal. In the
following pages, you will be able to explore each category. Complete each one and then pay
attention to how you feel and what you think as you realistically assess what arouses you.

Eroticized Feelings
List specific feelings (anger, fear, sadness, shame, loneliness) that have become eroticized
for you. Remember that when you were acting out, you may not have noticed what you were
feeling. Identifying these feelings now, however, is very important for your recovery. Feelings
become an important source of information about your sexual behavior. Identify the feelings you
had and how they played a role in your compulsive behavior.

Feeling:

Role in your behavior:

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 7 |265
 Feeling:

Role in your behavior:

Feeling:

Role in your behavior:

Feeling:

Role in your behavior:

Feeling:

Role in your behavior:

266 |Chapter 7 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
Situations and Places
When you were acting out, certain situations and places became eroticized. By now, just to
be in them becomes a source of arousal and part of your addiction cycle. Examples might include
hotel rooms, shopping centers, parks, beaches, certain parts of town, and even specific cities or
countries. In the spaces provided below, make a list of the situations or places that arouse to you.

ale

— ee
Boe
ase
ee
SE
eS

Review your list and decide in which situation you would most likely relapse. Place a 1 in
front of that item. Place a 2 in the next most probable situation for relapse to occur. Continue until
you have ranked all the items. Then, record the reason why you think that situation is so powerful
for you.

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 7 |267
Sensations
Specific sensations can stimulate preoccupation and may even be incorporated into your
reactions. Examples include:

Sounds— modem starting, specific songs

Smells
— perfumes, body odors, incense, massage oil, food
Visual cues—types of dress, computer screen, windows
Touch
— the feel of lingerie; crowded spaces like shopping centers, subways, airplanes,
lap dances in a strip bar; dancing
Taste
— food, lipstick, gum, breath mints

Record below the sense reactions that you now recognize as a part of your arousal patterns.

Objects
Objects can become sexualized as well. Automobiles are used for cruising for prostitutes,
exhibitionism, voyeurism, and anonymous sex. Sometimes they are used as a place in which to
have sex. Computer keyboards take on a sexual quality when they are what you touch as you
access pornography, chatrooms, and sex-related email. Objects such as school uniforms, lingerie,
whips, and sex toys are often a critical part of a fantasy life. Almost every creature on the planet, it
seems, including snakes and insects, has been sexualized by someone. Specific types of clothing
or even a specific article of clothing (examples would be shoes, socks, high heels, and pantyhose)
can become highly sexualized. On the next page, specify what objects have become sexualized
for you.

268 |Chapter 7 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 Processes
Sometimes arousal becomes fixated on actions or processes. Watching young girls smoke
or women urinate can be erotic for some people. Violence, humiliation, and degradation can also
be erotic acts. Stealing and burglary can be eroticized. Car washing, cheerleading, and even
gardening, though seemingly benign activities, can become part of compulsive ritualization for
some people. What processes have become obsessional for you?

Body Types, Parts, and Characteristics

Arousal often is conditioned on a specific body build or physical characteristic. Shape,
muscle, and hair color can determine the quality of arousal. Individual features such as wrinkles,
moles, and stretch marks can also become part of desire. Fetishes can be organized around
specific body parts such as armpits or feet. Being overweight, pregnant, or extremely thin turns
some people on. Sometimes the loss of a limb or being disabled in some way becomes a source
of arousal. Indicate below what physical attributes are part of your arousal patterns.

Partner Characteristics
Age, marital status, and personality factor into the arousal quotient. What a person does for
a living can be critical. People fantasize about a wide range of professions including teaching, body
building, and the priesthood. Specific attrioutes such as being wealthy or impoverished, successful
or inexperienced, virginal or promiscuous can be arousing. Usually people have a specific type
or types that attract them emotionally. Examples include vulnerable, hurting women; elegant,
unreachable women; the unavailable, mysterious man; or the “bad boy” who is misunderstood. In
your past, what have been the ideal types of persons who were arousing to you’? There may be

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 7 |269
 more than one. Why do you think those people were so attractive? Specify each ideal type below
and summarize why they were so attractive to you.

Ideal Type:

Origin of Type:

Ideal Type:

Origin of Type:

270 |Chapter 7 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
Culture
Cultures and subcultures— Catholic schoolgirls, Asian women, African-American men, and
Hispanic gays, for instance—can become eroticized. Does culture, race, religion, or ethnicity play a
part in your sexual arousal? If so, record in what ways they do in the space below.

Courtship Stages and Beliefs

In Chapter 3, we asked you to reflect on the stages of courtship. We pointed out that sexually
compulsive behavior was often fixated on a specific act of courtship. For example, exhibitionism
is really a distortion of the flirtation and demonstration aspects of courtship. Review your work in
that chapter and write a Summary statement detailing which of your courtship stages have become
distorted.

Courtship summary statement:

What aspects of courtship are underdeveloped?

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 7 |271
 Sometimes dysfunctional courtship beliefs exist in an arousal template. They take the form
of sexual prejudices that affect our sexual decisions. Examples include:

= Women are capricious and cannot be relied upon.

= Women tease.
# All women want is money and gifts. Sex has to be bought.
= Men only want sex.
=# Noman can be trusted.
=# “No” really means “yes” (a man or woman is really asking for sex even though he or she
says no to it).

What beliefs do you have that you can now identify as being untrue but to which you still react
emotionally?

Belief One:

Belief Two:

Belief Three:

Belief Four:

Belief Five:

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Drawing Your Template
The arousal template is highly individualized. After doing this work, can you see how many
different aspects there are to your acting-out behavior? What is important now is to understand
your template. This template is a way to describe how each of us makes decisions. If a specific
stimulus occurs, what will your next choice most likely be? If there are two options, how do
you decide which one to take? Consider the man who drives by a strip club and finds himself
stimulated. (See Figure 7.7 on page 274) He has a number of choices. He can turn around and
go in. He can drive back and forth until he is so stimulated he goes in. He can cruise past other
clubs. He can go straight to a massage parlor. He can go home and approach his partner. He can
go home, get on the Internet, and go straight to a web site where he can have a woman strip for
him. If he goes to the web site, there is a certain type of woman he is looking for. If he ends up in
the strip club, there is a certain type of woman or behavior he is looking for. If he approaches his
partner, what makes that erotic? Here is another example: a woman who sees an old lover who is
dangerous to her has several choices. She can walk away from him. She can contact him and then
walk away. Or they can agree to meet. No matter the scenario, the important step is to make the
choice points explicit.
In business, athletics, and science, we call this structure an expert system. Many people
who excel at some activity have a difficult time explaining how they do actions that seem almost
miraculous in their insight or understanding or accomplishment. A very accomplished surgeon may
have difficulty teaching his skill to other physicians. By carefully thinking through and describing
each step, however, the physician can see the steps and others can see how the task is done.
The physical actions of world-class athletes and performers seem so easy and effortless. These
people, however, have actually created a highly evolved “system” of decision-making that has
become unconscious. By making their decision-making process explicit, they can improve their
performance. Destructiveness also has its templates. Every addiction—whether drugs, alcohol,
gambling, or compulsive spending—has a decision template that continually intensifies its
power. You are an expert in your sex addiction, but shame, pleasure, and risk prevent you from
understanding yourself and limit your ability to get help from others. Now that you have completed
all this work, the task before you is to look at how you make your decisions.
To do so, take a large piece of paper, such as a piece of newsprint, and carefully diagram
how your sexual choices have been made. Notice how you make your choices. What makes one
action superior to another? What creates a point of no return?
Figure 7.7, page 274, shows an example of how the man in our strip club example makes
his decisions.

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 7 |273
 act out act out in club

stop at
<> meas cs uae pee eae. go to another club
IMaSSage Halo:

act out

go to another club <———————————_» _ call massage

|
table dance parlor

leave club and : » stay in club

go home

go home «<——» go back and forth «——» stop in club

continue home <—

Start by
driving to
Strip Club

Figure 7.7

274 |Chapter 7 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 There are several very good reasons for you to work through this task and reveal your
decision tree to yourself. First, understanding how you make these decisions will enable you to
change your decisions. Sex addicts usually experience their bodies as being driven by forces
beyond their control. By recognizing and becoming aware of your choice points, you can create the
psychological distance you need to see that you have choices—that your behavior is not inevitable.
If you recognize the neuropathways involved, you will understand that addictive arousal is about
wiring and templates. It is not the “cosmic person” or sexual reality. Second, carrying out this task
will lay the foundation for the long-term reclamation of your sexuality. Your arousal templates have
been vandalized, courtship has been distorted, and addiction cycles have taken over. The great
irony for many recovering people is to realize that despite incredible amounts of sexual activity,
they have really not experienced their sexuality. Rather, they have only experienced the distortions
of others. Recovery literally means recovering what has been lost or taken. By stepping back from
yourself and looking at how the “system” works, you can decide what you want to keep, what is
missing, and what you need to develop.
Following these suggestions will helo you enormously as you work through this task:

= Stay focused on the pain. Working on your arousal patterns may become stimulating
in itself. Keeping in mind just how hard life as an addict has been will help you avoid
being distracted by your old patterns.
® Donotdo this work in isolation. This activity should be shared with others to
maximize your insight. You will also feel grief and pain over losses, and you will need
support from your therapist, sponsor, and group mates to help you through this difficult
experience.
= Be thorough. These activities will make a huge difference in your success, but for that
to happen, you have to give them the time and energy to make them work for you.
= Be honest with yourself. Some of what you discover may be very hard to write
down. Being explicit is part of breaking through your feelings of shame and your need
for secrecy. Remember second-order change. Remember that changing behaviors will
bring some other changes. Changing your internal belief system will make a significant
change in yout life.

Again, your support system will be critical for doing this, which brings us to the topic of
our next chapter: creating a system of support.

Chapter 7 |275
Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
Behind the Arousal Template
Harry Potter, in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, discovers the Mirror of Erised. As he
gazes in the mirror he sees his parents looking back at him with love and approval. Harry’s parents
died protecting him from the evil wizard Voldemart
—or he whose name we dare not mention. To
be able to gaze at his parents was his most ardent wish. He found leaving the mirror difficult. He
keeps revisiting the mirror and brings his friend Ron to show him how he could see his parents.
When Ron gazed in the mirror he saw himself successful and out of the shadow of his brothers—
his very most ardent wish.
The dean of Hogwarts, Albus Dumbeldore, learns that the boys have found the mirror and
intervenes. He explains that the mirror reflects your deepest desire (Erised is the reverse of desire).
He further tells Ron and Harry that people have literally been captured by the mirror and unable to
leave. The mirror of Esired illustrates how living in the fantasy falls far short of living in the reality.
As the story unfolds, Ron is fundamentally better off creating his achievements. Further, in Harry’s
case, there is no way to make up for the wound of the loss of his parents. To use the words of
Carl Jung, this is Harry’s legitimate suffering. Loss adds to Harry’s understanding of the world and
strengthens his determination to do well.
Providing the illusion of what we have always wanted appears in our cultural stories in
many ways. The “holodeck” of the Star Trek series was a place to enjoy history and fantasy. Those
who sought their heart’s desire there could end up with Holo-addiction in which a person ended up
preferring fantasy to real life. When Faust traded his soul for his desires on earth, Mephistopheles
knew just what to promise. When Faust asked Mephistopheles who he was, the response was, “|
am spirit who denies.”
Our fantasies
— especially our sexual ones—reflect our own most ardent wishes. In this way
the fantasies become in sexologist Michael Bader’s words, the “window to the soul.” Consider the
story of James, who grew up in an alcoholic family and with a physically abusive father. As a boy he
was very talented but was also much neglected and learned to rely solely on himself. He became
very successful as a real estate investor and prided himself on the fact that, in his business, all his
“deals” created independence. Further, he never had to rely on one person, institution, or market.
Yet inside he was desperate for people to notice his exceptional talent. His most ardent wish was
to make up the deficit he experienced in his family. He wanted to be noticed and acknowledged.
His business was set up in a way so that he would not feel others’ rejection. At the same time,
being so solitary meant that few could see his genius. He often was bombastic and righteous
which served to have few people want to Know him.
Sexually, the problem James had was a series of arrests for exhibitionism. He told his
therapist he was disgusted by women who strip for men in strip clubs. His therapist asked him
to reflect on the obvious. When James pressed his therapist on what he meant, the therapist
explained that those women James despised were also doing what he did. It was as if a jolt of

276 |Chapter 7 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
lightening went through James. He realized he hated what he did, but loved what he did. This
became the gateway to James’ deepest pain. His sexual obsession about exposing himself to
women was an extension of the profound search throughout his life for acknowledgement. Thus,
James began the inner search of connecting his arousal to his deepest, most ardent wishes.
Therein lies the core of therapy and recovery. It is a task that takes time and effort to make explicit
and why a good therapist is so important to making these significant changes.
Like the mirror of Erised, we can lose ourselves in the fantasy and not understand the
core issues of the self that must be addressed. Gazing at the fantasy is like pouring water into a
bottomless glass. It never fills. In this way, our addiction is an ally to the self, protecting some truth
we wish not to face. Almost always addiction’s presence means some unbearable truth resides |
within. The addiction evolved so the addict would not have to face that critical reality. This is why
addictions frequently have different forms and combinations. If we resolve one addiction, others
surface to keep that truth obscured. Addiction is, in many ways, an important ally desperate to
save the addict from experiencing profound inner wounds. Thus, cravings are communications that
the self is in distress. No amount of abstinence will be achieved until the wounds are addressed.
Nor will any amount of abstinence take away the fundamental obsession until there is resolution
and understanding of the hurt.
If addictive behavior contains unacknowledged anger, fear, or shame, addicts experience
their genitals but not their woundedhness. If they have guilt or strengths that are unbearable, the
addiction protects the truth about those aspects of self. Thus, seeking degradation or humiliation
may really be about behavior we have done to others (guilt) or true abilities and aspects of self with
which there is discomfort. As with James, if acknowledgement is desperately sought, it will Surely
emerge sexually in some form.
James’ therapist asked him to list his sexual and nonsexual fantasies. His nonsexual
fantasies included telling someone off and making a scene, usually in front of a group. With the
helo of his group and therapist, he was able to see the commonalities between the fantasies. In
both, he fantasized about an angry behavior forcing others to notice him. The underlying issue for
James was the profound neglect of his childhood that he needed to acknowledge and grieve.
More than any other vehicle for sexual obsession, cybersex is like the Mirror of Erised.
Almost any “ardent desire” can be found. Accessing the unresolved is the portal through which
many addicts start to live in obsession versus in reality. Finding what you have always been
searching for becomes a way to dissociate from who you really are and what you must do. Internet
sex can become more than information or confirmation that you are not alone. Gazing on your
heart’s desire means that somewhere else sex is better, although the truth is you can never get to
that somewhere else. You join Faust, Harry Potter, and those trapped in the Holodeck. Addiction is
sustained when illusion becomes reality. The very fantasy can, however, serve as a vehicle to
understanding issues core to your soul.

Chapter 7 |277
Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovely
Mirror of Desire
Imagine you have a mirror in which you could see that which you want the most. Make a
list of what you would see in that mirror. Be honest with yourself. One way to approach it is to ask
for what you would give up everything. This is the proverbial list of those things for which you would
trade your soul. All of us have them. They are important to acknowledge as part of your healing.
Make sure that half of your list is sexual. Start with listing your most ardent nonsexual desires. What
scenes would appear in your mirror? Please list them below:

4.

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10.

Now make a list of your ideal sexual fantasies. These are the fantasies that are the most powerful in
your life. Gazing in the mirror, what sexual fantasies would appear? List them below:

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278 |Chapter 7 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 Reflect on themes that emerge. Talk with your therapist, sponsor, and recovery support
people. What parallels exist between the lists?

Now record what they have in common:

Looking at the commonalities, where do you think your most “ardent desires” come from?
They may have come from early wounds or experiences in your life. Or they could be a difficult
truth about you which has been too painfu! to face. Harry Potter gazed in the mirror which gave
him relief from grieving about his parent’s deaths. Addiction “protects” like gazing in the mirror. Part
of woundedness for addicts is behaviors which are used to cope, such as James’ artful skills at
isolation. Behind damaged coping, and addictive refocusing are core experiences. List the sources
of your “ardent desires.”

Sources of Deep Desire

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Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 7 |279
What have been the costs in not acknowledging these wounds. Include both addictive and non-
addictive costs:

Reflect on what steps you could take to heal those experiences that have supported
dysfunction and addiction in your life:

280 |Chapter 7 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
Recommended Readings
Milkman, Harvey, and Stanley, Sunderwirth. Craving for Ecstasy: The Chemistry and
Consciousness of Escape. New York: Free Press, 1987.
Carnes, Patrick J. Sexual Anorexia: Overcoming Self Hatred. pp. 217-365. Center City,
Minn.: Hazelden, 1997.
Carnes, Patrick J., David Delmonico and Elizabeth Griffin. In The Shadows of The Net:
Breaking Free from Compulsive Online Sexual Behavior. Chap. 4, “What Turns You On.” Center
City, Minn: Hazelden. 2001.
Crenshaw, Theresa L., M.D. The Alchemy of Love & Lust. New York: Putnam Berkeley
Group, 1996.
Covington, Stephanie, and Liana Beckett. Leaving the Enchanted Forest: The Path from
Relationship Adaiction to Intimacy. San Francisco: Harper & Rowe San Francisco, 1988.
Fisher, Helen. Journal of Sex Education and Therapy. Vol. 25, (no. 1) pp. 96 104.
Fisher, Helen. Anatomy of Love: The Natural History of Monogamy, Adultery, and
Divorce. 1992.
Klausner, Mary Ann, and Bobbie Hasselbring. Aching for Love: The Sexual Drama of the
Adult Child ; Healing Strategies for Women. San Francisco: Harper & Rowe, 1990.
Maltz, Wendy. The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse. New
York: Harper Collins, 1991.
Mellody, Pia. Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You
Love. San Francisco: Harper & Rowe, 1992.
Money, John W. Lovemaps: Clinical Concepts of Sexual/Erotic Health and Pathology,
Paraphilia, and Gender Transposition in Childhood, Adolescence, and Maturity. Amherst, N.Y.:
Prometheus Books, 1990
Schaeffer, Brenda. /s /t Love or Is It Addiction? Center City, Minn.: Hazelden, 1987.

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 7 |281
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 Chapter 8 Where is Your Support?
Creating Your Support System
If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others.
We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves.
It quiets the imperious urge, when to yield would mean heartache.
— Alcoholics Anonymous

THROUGHOUT THIS BOOK we have identified the importance of being in a Twelve Step program.
To summarize:

= Abuse victims and children raised in dysfunctional families find it difficult to

engage in therapy unless they are with an ongoing group of people who have
had similar experiences.
Participation in a Twelve Step group helps addicts make up developmental deficits—
that is, skills they did not get from their families—in such areas as intimacy, trust, and
accountability.
= The Twelve Steps teach an existential position that can help addicts better manage
grief, loss, and anxiety.
= Starting with the First Step, the Twelve Steps initiate a profound change process.
We have described this shift as a second-order change in which the core beliefs
of the system are now altered (rather than a first-order change in which the addicts
attempts to contro! behavior by “trying harder”).
# At its most basic level, the recovery process requires connection and consultation with
others. Addicts who are isolated make poor choices. To succeed in recovery, they need
the help of therapists and other recovering people. Starting with the initial debriefing
with a sponsor and continuing through relapse planning and arousal template work, we
have emphasized the importance of having recovering people involved in your work.

Therapy makes a fundamental difference in how successful recovery is. In fact, some
addicts have been able to stay relapse-free with only therapeutic support for a brief time. Research
shows that long-term recovery will consistently hold for those who immerse themselves into a
Twelve Step culture. Going to therapy is not enough. Attending Twelve Step groups is not enough.
You have to start participating in the life of your Twelve Step community. How do you do that? This
chapter will assist you in integrating Twelve Step recovery into your life.

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 8 |283
Learning about the Twelve Step Process
To begin, it will helo you to know more about the original Twelve Step group. We strongly
suggest that you read the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. The recommended reading list
at the end of the chapter cites a “study” version of the Big Book, which also contains a copy of
the original typed manuscript. You will find this an extraordinary story of great courage and hope.
Listed below are the original Twelve Steps of AA. By reading and reflecting on the original Twelve
Step story, you will become familiar with phrases that have become the hallmarks of recovery,
including “a day at a time,” “an easier, softer way,” and “cunning and baffling.” You will be surprised
when you find phrases that speak directly to you as a sex addict, such as those passages about
the “voices who cry for sex and more sex.” Moreover, you will become familiar with famous
passages such as the “promises of AA” that have inspired generations of recovering people (see
pages 83 and 84 of the Big Book).

The Twelve Steps

Step One: We admitted we were powerless over alcoho!—that our lives had
become unmanageable.
Step Two: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us
to sanity.
Step Three: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as
we understood Him.
Step Four: Madea searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Step Five: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact
nature of Our wrongs.
Step Six: Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Step Seven: Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
Step Eight: Made alist of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make
amends to them all.
Step Nine: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to
do so would injure them or others.
Step Ten: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly
admitted it.
Step Eleven: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact
with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will
for us and the power to carry that out.
Step Twelve: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to
carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all
Our affairs.

284 |Chapter 8 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 Books describing the development of AA will also be useful to you. You will start to
realize how truly revolutionary the Twelve Step process was and what it took for it to grow. Two
books listed in the recommended reading are Nan Robertson's Getting Better: Inside Alcoholics
Anonymous and Francis Hartigan’s Bill W. One of the most intriguing discoveries you will make is
that Bill Wilson, the famous cofounder of AA, struggled with sexual issues himself. His struggles
in this area of his life appear to parallel the lives of many people who have become sober from
alcoholism only to have their sexual behavior go out of control. Nan Robertson describes it this way:

Bill Wilson was a compulsive womanizer. His flirtations and his adulterous behavior
filled him with guilt, according to old-timers close to him, but he continued to
stray off the reservation. His last and most serious love affair, with a woman at AA
headquarters in New York, began when he was in his sixties. She was important to
him until the end of his life.

No wonder his words speak to sex addicts today.

Sadly, Bill W. did not have the benefit of using the Steps for his other addictions, nor
did countless sex addicts who came after him. This sad situation changed, however, in the
summer of 1977. In three different parts of the country, groups were established using Twelve
Step principles for sex addiction. In Boston, the groups came to be called Sex and Love Addicts
Anonymous (SLAA). In Simi Valley, California, the groups were called Sexaholics Anonymous
(SA). And in Minneapolis, Minnesota, Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) started. Since that time, two
other fellowships of significance also emerged: Sexual Compulsives Anonymous (SCA), which
was initiated by gay men, and Sexual Recovery Anonymous (SRA), which has been strong in the
northeastern part of the country. They all have the Twelve Steps in common and draw heavily on
the heritage of AA. Here are some of the differences:

= Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) is perhaps the most inclusive (and the
largest) of all the fellowships simply because it also acknowledges compulsive romance
and relationships. It also has led the way in looking at sexual anorexia as part of this
illness.
=» Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) also is quite inclusive and is making progress on
sexual anorexia as well. Like SLAA, it asks participants to realistically view their bottom
line behaviors and to take responsibility for them.
=» Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) has the strictest standards for sobriety, emphasizing
the importance of commitment, heterosexuality, and spirituality. Homosexual activity is
currently not accepted within the parameters of recovery in this fellowship.

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 8 |285
 = Sexual Compulsives Anonymous (SCA) was started by gay men but now includes
a strong contingent of heterosexual women who found the meetings especially safe for
them. Of all the fellowships, it does the best job of helping individuals develop their
“sex plan.”
= Sexual Recovery Anonymous (SRA) is a program that started in New York and
has aggressively developed outreach in the northeastern part of the country. It is very
inclusive, though still regional in its scope.

Such diversity has encouraged great creativity and growth in our understanding of how
to recover from sex addiction. This diversity, however, has probably limited the development of a
strong centralized support network like those in Alcoholics Anonymous or Overeaters Anonymous.
Many addicts report the benefit of having attended groups from a number of different fellowships
and of learning different perspectives within the Twelve Step umbrella. Ongoing dialogue continues
among these fellowships about collaboration and resource sharing. In some cities, there are
intergroups that serve all the S-fellowships—and this shows how the differences between them are
starting to blur. The information below summarizes this fellowship information and the additional
reading section specifies key publications from various fellowships.

Co-SA (Partners) SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous)

P.O. Box 14537 P.O. Box 70949
Minneapolis, MN 55414 Houston, TX 77270
763-537-6904 800-477-8191
Www. COSa-recove;ry.org Wwww.saa-recovery.org

NCSAC (National Council on Sexual S-Anon (Partners)

Addiction and Compulsivity) PO. Box 111242
1090 Northchase Parkway Nashville, TN 37222
Suite 200 South 615-833-3152
Marietta, GA 30067 www.sanon.org
770-989-9754
Www.ncsac.org SCA (Sexual Compulsive Anonymous)
RO; Box 1585
RCA (Recovering Couples Anonymous) Old Chelsea Station
PO Box 1029 New York, NY 10011
Oakland, CA 94611 Wwww.sca-recovery.org
887-663-2317
www.recovering-couples.org SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous)
The Augustine Fellowship
SA (Sexaholics Anonymous) 1550 NE Loop 410, Ste. 118
PO; Box S565
San Antonio, TX 78209
Brentwood, TN 37024
210-828-7900
866-424-8777 www.slaafws.org
Wwww.sa.org

286 |Chapter 8 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 SRA (Sexual Recovery Anonymous) www.sexaddict.com
PO Box 73 Sex Addiction Recovery Resources
Planetarium Station
New York, NY 10024 www.sexhelp.com
212-340-4650 Dr. Carnes’s Online Resources
www.sexualrecovery.org

www.onlinesexaddict.com
Online Sexual Addiction Homepage

The best action you can take, however, is to find a really good meeting —just as it is in AA. There
may be thirty to fifty meetings in your city, but finding one within a good time slot that has good
sobriety with people you like may be hard and take some time. That is, however, what makes the
difference. More important than which fellowship you belong to is the quality of the meeting that
you attend. Here are some signs to help you recognize a good meeting:

# Strong regular attendance.

= Members take responsibility for leadership positions.
=™ Each week, someone in the group takes responsibility for presenting either a Step or a
topic.
= The Step presentations or topic presentations are prepared and thoughtful.
= There is a well-understood and supported process for welcoming newcomers.
™ The group has strong ties with a codependency support group such as S-Anon,
Co-SA, or Co-SLAA.
= There is a group life outside of the meeting in the form of regular meals together,
workshops, or retreats.
= Periodically—at least every quarter—the group stops to do a “group conscience,”
which means the members hold an extended discussion about how the group is doing.
=™ Leadership and “jobs” in the group rotate regularly.
= There is a steady influx of new persons.
=» There is steady attendance of veterans who have successful sobriety.

A good meeting is the heart of recovery. If you find one you really like, it is worth
restructuring your schedule so you can attend regularly. It takes a while to know whether a given
meeting is “right” for you. Many people suggest that you go to at least six meetings before you
draw any conclusions. Every meeting can have an “off” night or two, but usually the character of
the meeting will emerge over six weeks. Spend time outside the meeting over a meal or in some
fellowship function getting to know some of the members. It would be unusual not to misjudge a
meeting in some way early in the process. In part, it is because of the nature of meetings, but also
it can be our own issues.

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 8 |287
Early Barriers to Meetings
Addicts resist going to meetings because recovery principles are so different from the way
addictions work. Meetings rely on their members to be open, consultative, vulnerable, accountable,
and consistent. Addiction thrives best in secrecy, isolation, willfulness, and chaos. No wonder
addicts find reasons not to go. The following are typical reasons people offer for not attending, as
well as some observations about each:

| might meet someone | know.

You probably will, but that will help reduce feelings of shame for both of you. Reflect on the
fact that while you were acting out, you ran the risk of meeting someone you would know and it
did not stop you. Under which circumstances would you rather meet others you know? The real
reason you do not want to go has to do with feelings of pride. You’ve tried to create an image
of yourself that is different from who you really are. If someone recognizes you at a meeting, that
person will Know the truth about you. But this is exactly why you should attend. You will find that
the pretenses are unnecessary; people will respect you for who you really are, faults included.

| might meet someone | know professionally.

Physicians, therapists, attorneys, judges, politicians, CEOs, and business leaders worry
about meeting clients, patients, or employees. This has been, of course, an issue in Twelve
Step programs for years, one that people, particularly those in small towns, have successfully
overcome. Several points should be remembered. First, this is a problem for everyone, and so
this is where judicious use of boundaries apply. Being in the same program does not mean that
you tell everything to people whom you know outside the program. Second, most cities have
groups called “boundary groups” that are designed for people who would have a serious problem
being in an open meeting. It would probably not be a good idea for a therapist to share struggles
in the same group as his or her patients. Finally, it is very important to observe the “traditions” of
the various fellowships and leave non-program issues at the door. It is not appropriate to talk to
a CEO of a company about job possibilities at a meeting. Anonymity must be observed for the
benefit of everyone.

| cannot find a meeting that does not conflict with my schedule.

If so, then start a new one. Get some help from existing meetings and your local intergroup,
or call the national office of the fellowship of your choice. Tell local clergy and mental health
professionals where and when you wish to start a meeting. Most meetings begin either because of
a lack of meetings or the availability of meetings at a convenient time. This task becomes harder,
however, if you have never been in a meeting before. The fellowships have lots of experience in
helping people start from scratch. So ask for help.

288 |Chapter 8 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
I do not fit well with the people in the meeting | went to.
The most common discovery mentioned by people who have joined Twelve Step programs
is that they seriously misperceived the people in their group when they started. This happens
most often because of the newcomer’s shame, distrust, and uncertainty. Over time, they realize
what tremendous resources the group members have become in their lives. You do have to get to
know them, and the key to this task is spending time with them outside of a meeting. Frequently,
groups meet before or after a meeting. In other cases, groups set up time during the week in
which everyone gets together for a meal. Go to some of those events before you make up your
mind about a group. This is one of the most important things you can do for your recovery besides
finding a sponsor.

Everyone is slipping in the group | go to.

If a pattern of slipping occurs in your group, then it is time for a meeting called a “group
conscience.” During that time, group members talk about how the group is doing and whether it
is meeting the needs of its members. Members can share with one another how important mutual
sobriety is. If people are struggling, they need to get more help until they are able to stay sober.
Usually the group starts targeting topics that will help people with their sobriety. Sponsorship,
regular check-ins by phone, and getting therapeutic support can also make a difference. Ironically,
groups will often take the people who are struggling the most and give them more responsibility
in the group, such as taking on the weekly “trusted servant” leadership role. Many people finally
achieve sobriety when they are in a leadership position. Remember, some people may need a
higher level of intervention such as an outpatient or residential program to give their recovery
momentum. For them, simply being a leader may not be enough and they will need to be
encouraged to get more help. Remember also the old aphorism “You are only as healthy as your
group.” Even as a newcomer, you have a responsibility to help the group be as healthy as possible.
Not going to the meeting provides neither you nor the group with a solution. Sometimes, it is
newcomers who provide the positive energy needed to make a group healthier. To say to yourself
“because everyone is slipping there is no hope” is addictive thinking. Clearly, the real issue is to
determine what you can do to make the group better.

| do not go to meetings because | have been slipping and it is hard to admit to

my struggle.
All the above applies to you. Admit you are struggling. Start calling and meeting other
people. Volunteer for leadership roles and fellowship tasks. Sign up to give talks and meetings.
Start going to meals and get-togethers. Get more help if you need it. Above all, be honest with
yourself about how you got outside of your recovery zone. The very worst things you can do are to
avoid meetings and to tell no one. Do them and the boulder we pictured in Chapter 6 starts to roll.
You simply must reimmerse yourself in the recovery culture.

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 8 |289
 Going to meetings is the bedrock of recovery. But attendance is not really the issue;
involvement is. Do you have a sponsor who is coaching you? Even temporary sponsors make
a huge difference. Do you participate in the life of the group? Have you presented a Step or a
meeting? Have you supported the group by doing service work? Do you sponsor people? It is
really “throwing ourselves into helping others” that makes the difference.
Consider the story of James. He was a very successful and entrepreneurial man with a
rather poor sexual track record. Therein was the problem. There were very few things he had set
out to do that he had not achieved, but he simply failed repeatedly in his attempts to stop his risky
sexual behavior. James was seeing a therapist and he had found a Twelve Step group to attend.
When he acted out, James did not tell his therapist. He hated going to his Twelve Step meeting
and acted like all was well when he was there. Admitting failure at something was still beyond what
he could do. When his Twelve Step meeting finished, with most everyone adjourning to a nearby
Chinese restaurant, James would head straight home. James always felt wistful about missing the
restaurant time because his meeting colleagues all laughed so hard and seemed to enjoy each
other’s company so much. He felt left out, and there were very few places in his life where he was
not at the center of the action. As an excuse, James told himself that they did not have the stress
he did nor had most of them achieved what he had. And then with time, James would allow the
press of his schedule to interfere with his Twelve Step meetings. He would frequently cancel and
reschedule therapy. As his recovery work became more erratic, James’s acting out became even
more frequent.
James's life unraveled when one of his affairs—with a woman who worked in one of his
companies—became public. He had counted on her to never reveal their love affair—a trust she
kept until her husband discovered their love letters and her diary. He promptly called James’s wife
and then told his own wife that if she did not sue James for sexual harassment, the marriage was
over. The incident became public knowledge in James’s various companies. Other women came
forward. A vengeful activist in the accounting department checked travel receipts. A number of
hotel records showed local numbers called to escort services and outcall massage agencies.
The company being sued called an emergency meeting. A key stockholder on the board was a
woman with whom James flirted all the time. In fact, her support was vital to his power base in
that company, and it was their emotional affair that he believed kept her in his camp. This woman
became furious to learn about the other women with whom James had been involved. Even worse,
James had confided in her about matters which the rest of the board did not Know and which
would upset them. In short, this was a mess.
James went to see his therapist, Don, and reported what was going on. Some of this, of
course, was news to the therapist— which he pointed out. Don asked James about his Twelve
Step support, specifically who knew the whole story. James could point to no one. Don explained
the concept of “shopping” your story. The addict will tell pieces of his or her story to different

290 |Chapter 8 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
people and consider himself to have “shared” the story. In James’s case, no one person knew
about the extent of his acting out or of his current relapses. Don told James that if they were
to continue in therapy, everything had to come out—and he also insisted that James contact
members of his group.
James called a group member named Jack that night. Jack said that he would invite
some guys to meet together for breakfast the next morning. Three men met with James at a local
pancake house. Coming up to the breakfast table, James felt teary realizing that these people
whom he did not know well had changed their schedules to help him after all he had done. Their
welcome was warm and kind—though not without a touch of gallows humor. Laughing felt good
to James, however. As he told his story in hushed tones, James fell again into tears first and then
deep sobs. Here was the guy who would not let anyone know what was happening crying in the
middle of a pancake house. Being with men who cared about what happened to him broke down
James's walls.
His group mates were very practical. They started with what needed to happen today. It
was very Clarifying for James to realize that all he had to do was to get through today. Then they
asked if he would talk to the group about his dishonesty with them. James agreed to do that the
next night at the meeting. They stayed in touch with him until then. At the meeting, James admitted
that he had been coming and saying things were fine when, in fact, they were not. Now he was
facing the loss of career, marriage, and financial well-being. When he finished his story, there was
a long silence. And then people spoke slowly, thoughtfully. Some pointed out that they had done
the same because it was the nature of the illness to hide shame. Others were relieved and glad
that he was really finally joining the group. And still others offered their support and help. That night
they all sat in the Chinese restaurant and helped James think through his next steps. They had
suggestions for the board, for therapy, and for dealing with an angry spouse. James came to two
realizations sitting in that restaurant: his life had changed significantly because of these people and
he had seriously misjudged them. They were competent and resourceful. And they were working
hard to keep him from making his life even worse.
James was asked by his board to go to a residential facility for treatment. When he went
to see Don about it, his therapist said that he had come to the same conclusion. James had not
been getting enough help, given how badly his illness had progressed. Don had also been talking
with Judy, James’s wife. In Don’s opinion, to go into a program was his best shot at recovery and
saving his marriage. So James went. There, James was overwhelmed to discover just how much
he did not know about himself. When he returned from treatment, he reported this to the group
amidst cheers and laughter. He was elected to be the group's “trusted servant” for a three-month
term. It was then that James really discovered the heart of the Twelve Step program. He became
very close to his sponsor (Jack took on the task), although he heard from almost everybody while
he was in treatment. It had meant a lot to him to get supportive cards and calls. He now was

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 8 |291
 sponsoring others and remembering them when times were difficult. He had discovered the secret.
Service to others is how things get better. Back in the beginning of AA, Bill W. was told by Carl
Jung that “passing it on” was how they would get better. The correspondence between Bill W. and
Dr. Jung are now regarded as documents of great significance because of the recipe for Success
they contained. Addicts helping other addicts— “throwing ourselves into helping others,” as Bill W.
eventually described it—is a key to the Twelve Step program’s success.
James’s story is not unique. Many people who went through the motions of recovery were
finally forced to surrender to the recovery process. Full disclosure to trusted people is one of those
moments of surrender. Participating fully in a culture of Twelve Step support is another. In the
following pages, you will find a series of exercises related to the “important” people in your life. The
goal of the exercises is to ensure that you make a full disclosure to people to whom need to know
and to whom you trust. Complete them and then record your reflections.

Important People Inventory

The following inventory asks you to list people who are important to you. You will categorize
them in two ways. First, you will list people according to how much they know about you. Start
with those who know everything. Then list those who know most of the story. Follow this with a
list of those who know about your addiction, but not much of the story. Finish with another list of
people whose relationship you value but who know nothing of your addiction or recovery. After
completing the four lists, go back and rate each person on a scale of 1 to 5 as to how close you
feel to that person. A score of 1 means not close at all and a score of 5 represents a very close and
trusting relationship. Then, follow the directions provided at the conclusion of the exercise.

Important people who know the whole story (those who know everything past and present).

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292 |Chapter 8 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
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Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 8 |293
Important people who know nothing of your addiction or recovery (those whose relationship you
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Reflection Questions
The following questions are designed to help you reflect on your Important People Inventory.

1. How do you feel about the number of people who truly Know all of your past story and your
current status?

2. What discrepancies did you notice? Are there people you trust who do not know? People
who know but with whom you do not feel close?

294 |Chapter 8 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 3. Look at your inventory from a Twelve Step perspective. Who are the people in recovery on
your list? Are there sponsors and sponsees? If not, why?

4. Who in your family is on that list? In your extended family? Do you wish to change that?

5. Where is your therapist on this list? Do you need to talk to your therapist about your
relationship? About further disclosure? About this list’?

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 8 |295
 6. This list often reveals unfinished business that needs to be addressed or relationship work
that needs to be done. List any action steps you now need to take.

a. action step:

b. action step:

c. action step:

d. action step:

e. action step:

Use this work when you reflect in your journal or talk to your groups. Show your work to
your sponsor, therapist, or people in your consulting circle.

Couples Recovery
When doing the research for Don’t Call It Love, | learned some important facts about
successful recovery. If a person was in a committed relationship, the likelinood of successful
recovery went up if the partner was involved in therapy early in recovery. The quality of recovery
improved dramatically if the partners also committed to recovery for themselves. This means that
they actually went to a Twelve Step program for co-sex addiction such as S-Anon or Co-SA. In this
way, they learned how they participated in this illness. They also were able to apply Twelve Step
principles to their codependency. And finally, the overall quality of recovery was highest for those
people who attended a Twelve Step program for couples.
Recovering Couples Anonymous (RCA) uses the metaphor of a three-legged stool. There
is “my recovery,” “your (Spouse or partner) recovery,” and “our recovery together”
— the three legs
66

of couples recovery. The idea of “coupleship in recovery” was new in the 1980s but long overdue.
Therapists had known for a long time that to treat people individually for issues that also involved
the couple’s relationship often made things worse. In Twelve Step programs, there was no place for
couples to systematically use the Steps as a couple. Sadly, | believe Twelve Step programs actually
undermined relationships at times. Groups like RCA became a format for looking at relationship
deficits and for using Twelve Step principles for change. (See pages 286-287 for fellowship listings.)
The result is a consistent, cohesive shift both in partners individually and in their relationship.
Readers who are single and think this does not apply to them should still take note. When you
do get into a relationship, you will find the waters will be a lot smoother if you and your partner
participate in a Twelve Step couples community. The principles of recovery when shared with a
partner can make dramatic differences in the quality of intimacy. RCA describes it this way:

If we are honest about our commitment and painstaking about working the
Twelve Steps together, we will quickly be amazed at how soon our love returns.

296 |Chapter 8 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will learn how
to play and have fun together. As we experience mutual forgiveness, we will not
regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. Trust in each other will return. We will
comprehend the word serenity, and we will know peace.
No matter how close to brokenness we have come, we will see how our
experiences can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness, shame and self-pity
will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our partners,
families and others. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook on
life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will
intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us. We will be better
parents, workers, helpers and friends. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for
us what we could not do for ourselves.

James and Judy went to their first RCA meeting at the insistence of Don, their therapist.
James was reluctant because he did not want to have other people’s spouses hear about his
behavior. Judy also was reticent. First of all, she did not want to go to any group and, in fact, had
not yet attended a group for codependence. She was an atheist and did not want religion “shoved
down her throat.” Further, she was so mad at James that she was not sure the relationship would
survive anyway. The only reason she went was because Don had asked her if she could live with
leaving without really looking at possible sources of healing. She knew that she could not, but she
nevertheless had one foot out the door.
Both James and Judy were surprised. They quickly recognized that their struggles were no
different from what other couples were going through. They found themselves laughing heartily with
the group about the ironies they faced. Judy broke into sobs as she told of how embarrassed and
distraught she felt. She virtually melted when two women took her aside during a break and invited
her to join them at a Co-SA meeting. It was like meeting a welcoming extended family. James and
Judy left feeling exposed and raw, but they knew they would return.
A year later, James and Judy gave a meeting on the second Step and the meaning of
spirituality in their coupleship. Judy moved the group to tears as she recounted how she started
with a deep distrust of God. She was a sexual abuse victim who thought that no loving God
would allow something like that to happen. She told of how the care of others transformed her
understanding of care for herself. Because of their care, her understanding of a Higher Power in
her life with her husband evolved out of her agony. She reflected on the promises and how they
had come true for her, including her new understanding of “serenity.”

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 8 |297
To Be of Service
To be of service means more than just helping in your group. Service may mean helping
in your local intergroup, or serving on a national committee, or going to a national conference.
Service may also mean helping with some of the national support organizations. Join the National
Council for Sex Addiction and Compulsion which, like the National Council on Gambling or the
National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependency, works to reduce the stigma attached to sex
addiction and to make resources available to recovering people. Also consider the National
Council on Couple and Family Recovery, which is dedicated to supporting couples in recovery.
There are many meaningful avenues for you to help.
By now, it should be clear that working the program does not mean merely attending
meetings. Nor is it just about sponsorship and doing Step work—although no change or growth
will happen without those components. The real key is becoming an active proponent for the lives
of those in recovery. Helping the organizations that support recovery is as important as helping
after a meeting. Remember: helping others “takes us out of ourselves.”

Recommended Reading
Alcoholics Anonymous. Study Ed., Croton Falls, New York: 1994.
Recovering Couples Anonymous. 3d Ed.
Carnes, Patrick, Debra Laaser, and Mark Laaser. Open Hearts: Renewing Relationships
with Recovery, Romance, and Reality. Wickenburg, Ariz.: Gentle Path Press, 1999.
Robertson, Nan. Getting Better: Inside Alcoholics Anonymous
Hartigan, Francis. Bill W.: A Biography of Alcoholics Anonymous Cofounder Bill Wilson.

The following literature can be obtained from the contact information listed on pages 286-287.

SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) Literature

From Shame to Grace
The Bubble
Group Guide
Three Circles
First Step
Abstinence and Boundaries
Getting Started
Abstinence

298 |Chapter 8 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
SCA (Sexual Compulsives Anonymous) Literature and Suggested Reading
Hope and Recovery
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions
Out of the Shadows (by Patrick Carnes)
Contrary to Love (by Patrick Carnes)
Women Who Love Too Much (by Robin Norwood)
Answers in the Heart (meditations)

SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous) Literature

Introduction to Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous
Questions Beginners Ask
Suggestions for Newcomers
12 Recommended Guidelines
Sex and Love Addiction—40 Questions
Sponsorship
Addiction and Recovery
Anorexia (Sexual, Social, Emotional)
Gateway to Freedom, Hope, and Joy

SA (Sexaholics Anonymous) Literature

Member Stories
Recovery Continues
Discovering the Principles
Practical Guidelines for Group Recovery
SA Manual audiocassettes

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 8 |299
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Deepening Recovery for
Profound Life Change
Do or not do. There is no “try.”
—Yoda to Luke Skywalker in Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

GEORGE LUCAS' STAR WARS TRILOGY was based on the research of Joseph Campbell,
the famous expert on heroes and heroines. This story was created in part as a metaphor about
meeting the challenges of twenty-first century life. At one point in the epic, young Luke Skywalker
arrives on the planet Dagobah in search of a master teacher of Jedi Knights named Yoda. Yoda,
however, turns out to be very different from how Luke imagined he would be. He is green, short,
big eared, and always placing his verbs in the wrong place when he speaks. Though clearly very
funny, Yoda’s humor nonetheless is always just beyond Luke’s understanding. Yoda resembles
what Native Americans call the “trickster” —the fun medicine man who teaches through paradox
and practical jokes. Further, he always presses Luke to think beyond his world view categories
and to question his assumptions. Luke soon learns that beneath Yoda’s frumpish exterior and
seemingly dim-witted manner is a very learned, wise, powerful, and compassionate elder.
Above all, Luke learns from Yoda that being a Jedi Knight involves profound commitment.
At one point, Yoda encourages Luke to attempt to raise his X-wing star fighter which had sunk in
a swamp. Luke makes progress but ultimately loses heart, thus allowing the ship to sink back into
the goo. Luke tells Yoda that he “tried” to do as he was asked, but he concluded that raising the
star fighter was impossible. Yoda responded by saying, “And that is why you fail!” Yoda then turns
and raises the ship clear of the swamp and places it on dry land. Next, he turns to Luke and says,
“Do or not do. There is no try” —and then he walks away.
| have often been struck by the profound truth in that scene. In therapy, | have seen many
addicts who failed because they did not believe it was possible for them to recover. They could
acknowledge the possibility of others’ success, but in their heart of hearts they believed they were
too “defective” to succeed. But they always seemed to want credit for “trying.”
These individuals failed because they never made the “decision” to change. In fact, one of
the most often asked questions among people in early recovery is this: “Does it get better?” This
very question was, in part, the impetus behind the research for Don’t Call it Love. We wanted to
learn more about the people who had gotten better to see what actions and thoughts contributed
to their success. We found much more than we had ever anticipated. We found many measures

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 9 |301
of quality of life and health. We found that recovery made dramatic life changes for the better in
their lives. We also found that the people who had the greatest success took the same steps in a
relatively predictable fashion. Sobriety was but one part of their life changes. They all had made a
deeper commitment to making their lives better. Out of our research an overall pattern emerged.
Here is the general profile of those who succeeded in recovery:

ate They had a primary therapist. Whether they went to residential programs, intensive
workshops, or took part in specialized therapy with others, each was involved with a
therapist whom they stayed with over a three-to-five year period. Working through a
relationship with a therapist appears to be essential to recovery. Even more important,
they each allowed themselves to have an “examined” life in which one person (the
therapist) knew them extraordinarily well and had skills to help them through the
challenges they encountered as they moved through recovery.
They were in a therapy group. Whether some of these hours were in a residential or
outpatient setting seemed to make little difference. Those who did well spent time in a
group setting with a therapist (who might or might not be their primary therapist). The
optimum amount of time in such a group was approximately 175 hours, typically spent
over a period of eighteen months to two years.
They went regularly to Twelve Step meetings. Further, they became deeply
involved in the program, including participation in service, sponsorship, and Step
work. Working through all the Steps does make a critical difference; those who did not
continue Step work either struggled in their sober life or lost their sobriety altogether.
If other addictions were present, they were addressed as well. Addicts went to
other Twelve Step meetings as appropriate for them. They came to understand how
their addictions interacted (negatively!) with one another and how they all related to the
deeper problems in their lives.
They worked to find clarity and resolution in their family-of-origin and childhood
issues. They used the Steps and therapy to understand the deeper character issues
they faced, and they did everything they could to find serenity with them.
Their families were involved early in therapy. Clearly, early family involvement and
support plays a significant role in recovery. We found a clear difference between people
who simply were involved on their own in treatment and those whose partners and
family members also committed to therapy and recovery for themselves. Oftentimes,
the addict's recovery was the impetus for recovery and healing in other family members,
too—though in some cases, years passed before this happened.
If they were in a primary relationship, the couple went to a Twelve Step
couples group such as Recovering Couples Anonymous. Those who attended
such a meeting clearly did the best of all. Having a partner in recovery is significant,

302 |Chapter e) Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 but for the best result, the couple needs to participate in a Twelve Steo—based couples
support network.
8. They developed a spiritual life. What their spiritual life consisted of was as important
as practicing it on a regular, even daily, basis. Those whose spiritual life flourished were
also usually active participants in a spiritual community.
9. They actively worked to maintain regular exercise and good nutrition. Those
whose recovery blossomed exercised regularly, if not daily, and were also conscientious
about making good food choices as part of their self-care.

As a general profile, this information was helpful. But after Don’t Call /t Love was
completed, we felt that it was important to more clearly determine the steps taken by people who
were successful in recovery. We were able to break recovery down into thirty specific tasks on
which we then carried out extensive research. This workbook, and this workbook series, are based
on these tasks. You might think of them like a food recipe: if you follow the recipe, you will have a
predictable result. You can, of course, add extra ingredients and enhance the recipe. But that’s not
necessary. In general, if you want good recovery results, follow this well-proven recipe. The thirty
recovery tasks are listed on pages 304-316.
Each task is finished by completing activities we call “performables.” We have tried to
define the performables as concretely as possible. By using the experience of others, we have
created a road map to recovery. In other words, while you still may not know what challenges await
you around the turns on your recovery road, you now know what has helped others succeed in
recovery. Follow their lead and you will increase your chances of recovery enormously.

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 9 |303
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 The First Seven Tasks: Performables Checklist
Listed below are each of the seven tasks you have accomplished. Under each is an additional list
of performables—the specific activities you completed that make up each task. Review your work.
Check off each performable if you wish. Notice how good it feels to “finish” what you set out to do.

1. Break through denial.

Make a problem list.
Make a secret list.
Make a list of excuses and rationales.
Complete a Consequences Inventory.
Make a list of people hurt.
Find a therapist.
Find a sponsor.
C6
OO
Oo
ekeMake full disclosure to therapist and sponsor.

2. Understand the nature of the illness.

Read at least one book on sex addiction.
Map out your own addiction cycle and addiction system.
Make a list of unmanageable moments.
Learn about sexual anorexia and binge-purge cycles.
Learn about “collateral indicators.”
Conduct self-assessment for sex addiction and sexual anorexia.
Complete sexual history and sexual Problem Inventory.
ay
Ss
Bs
(a,
IBalComplete a Courtship Inventory.

3. Surrender to the process.

Complete Sex Addiction History.
Complete Powerlessness Inventory.
Complete Unmanageability Inventory.
Complete Financial Costs Worksheet.
Sy
Oe
ereltemize Ten Worst Moments.
OU Share your First Step.

4. Limit damage from behavior.

UO) Complete a Damage Control Plan.
L) Complete a Disclosure Plan.

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 9 |317
5. Establish sobriety.
LY Complete Sobriety Challenges Worksheet.
UL) Identify your relapse scenarios.
Q) Develop Fire Drill Plan.
QO Write Abstinence List, Boundaries List, and Sexual Health Plan.
QO) Use a Personal Craziness Index for twelve weeks.
Q) Write a letter to yourself.
OQ) Create an Emergency First Aid Kit.
QO) Sign a relapse contract.

6. Ensure physical integrity.

U2 Complete a physical exam.
U2 Complete your Sex Addiction Matrix.
U1 Complete your Sexual Health Matrix.
LJ Complete Arousal Template Assessment including:
L) Fantasy worksheet
Eroticized feelings
Situations and places
Sensations
Objects
Body types, parts, characteristics
Partner’s characteristics
Culture
Courtship stages and beliefs
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Draw your own Arousal Template.

7. Participate in a culture of support.

Q) Find a “home” meeting and attend regularly.
Have regular contact with sponsor(s).
Give meeting presentations.
Perform program “service” in some capacity.
Join activities outside of meetings.
Present First Step and additional Steps as you complete them.
Know differences among sex addiction fellowships.
Oe
Wl
iatl
Observe daily rituals, such as readings, meditations, and writing in a journal, that
promote recovery.
OU Attend Twelve Step meetings for other addictions as appropriate.

318 |Chapter 9 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 At this point, you have in effect completed the first seven of the thirty tasks. There are
several areas of concern that you ought to think about at this point. First, you need to share what
you have done with those who have been part of this process—therapists, sponsors, group mates,
and friends. Allow them to congratulate you, and think of some ways that you can thank them for
their help. Also, figure out a way to celebrate what you've accomplished. If you are in a Twelve
Step program, there may already be a celebration as part of the process. If you are doing this work
individually, it is still important to take time to notice what you have accomplished. You deserve
much credit for getting this far! At the conclusion of this chapter we have provided several pages
on which you can have people write wishes and comments.
Your next challenge is a workbook called Recovery Zone, Volume 17: Making Changes that
Last, which takes you from task eight to task nineteen. The remaining tasks are all about family
and intimacy and they, too, have their own workbook. Also check into www.recoveryzone.com and
become part of the Recovery Zone community. More information about the sequential workbooks
in the series and recoveryzone.com can be found in the Appendix C on page 331.
| am grateful that you have taken the risk to live in the solution. All of us share the same
challenge our storytellers have discerned as our lot as humans. The stories of Luke Skywalker
and Frodo Baggins are not just for entertainment. They are about you and me and making the
commitment to change. It matters a great deal that you have.

Comments and Reflections

The user of this workbook has now completed the tasks of beginning recovery from
sex addiction. This person is asking those who have helped in the process to write reflections,
comments, and wishes as this person moves on to the next challenge. Please take a moment to
add your thoughts in celebration of this hard work.

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 9 |319
320 |Chapter 9 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
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322 |Chapter 9 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 9 |323
324 |Chapter 9 Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Chapter 9 325
 Appendix A The Twelve Steps
of Alcoholics Anonymous

The Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous’

al We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure
them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we
understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

IZ. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message
to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

'The Twelve Steps of AA are taken from Alcoholics Anonymous, 3d ed., published by AA World Services, Inc., New York, N.Y., 59-60.

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Appendix A |327
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 Appendix B The Twelve Steps
for Sex Addicts

The Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous Adapted for Sexual Addicts?

ay We admitted we were powerless over our sexual addiction—that our lives had become
unmanageable.

. Came to believe a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him.

. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure
them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

tla Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we
understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message
to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

2Adapted from the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Reprinted with permission of AA World Services, Inc., New York, N.Y.

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Appendix B |329
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 Appendix C Contact Information

Two recovery-supporting web sites can be accessed at www.sexhelo.com and

www.recoveryzone.com.

For general or purchasing information regarding our publications, please visit www.sexhelp.com
or www.gentlepath.com or call us 1-800-708-1796 (US Toll-Free).

For information on both inpatient and outpatient treatment services, contact us at

1-800-708-1796 (US Toll-Free). The staff there will match your needs with the appropriate services.

For more information about Dr. Patrick Carnes and his speaking engagements, access his web site
at www.sexheloworkshops.com.

For information on training for counselors and other helping professionals, call the International
Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP) at 1-866-575-6853 (US Toll-Free) or access
them via the Internet at www.iitap.com.

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Appendix C |331
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 Appendix D Resource Guide

The following is a list of recovery fellowships that may be helpful to you in your particular situation.

Adult Children of Alcoholics Co-Anon

562-595-7831 520-513-5028
www.adultchildren.org WWW.CO-anon.org

Alateen (ages 12-17) Debtors Anonymous

757-563-1600 781-453-2743
www.al-anon-alateen.org www.debtorsanonymous.org

Al-Anon Emotions Anonymous

757-563-1600 651-647-9712
www.al-anon.org www.emotionsanonymous.org

Alcoholics Anonymous Families Anonymous

212-870-3400 800-736-9805
Wwww.aa.org www.familiesanonymous.org

Co-Dependents Anonymous Gamblers Anonymous

602-277-7991 213-386-8789
www.codependents.org www.gamblersanonymous.org

Co-Dependents of Sex Addicts Marijuana Anonymous

763-537-6904 800-766-6779
Wwww.cosa-recovery.org www.marijuana-anonymous.org

Cocaine Anonymous Narcotics Anonymous

310-559-5833 818-773-9999
WWW.Ca.Org www.na.org

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Appendix D |333
Nicotine Anonymous Sexual Compulsives Anonymous
415-750-0328 800-977-HEAL
www.nicotine-anonymous.org Www.Sca-recovery.
Org

Overeaters Anonymous Society for the Advancement of

505-891-2664 Sexual Heath
WWww.oa.org 706-356-7031
www.sash.net
Recovering Couples Anonymous
781-794-1456 Survivors of Incest Anonymous
www.recovering-couples.org 410-893-3322
WWW.SIiaWwSO.Org
Runaway Hotline
800-RUN-AWAY
www. 1800runaway.org

S-Anon
615-833-3152
www.sanon.org

Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous

www.slaafws.org

Sex Addicts Anonymous

800-477-8191
www.sexaa.Oorg

Sexaholics Anonymous
866-424-8777
Www.sa.org

Sexual Addiction Resources/

Dr. Patrick Carnes
www.sexhelp.com
 Appendix E Recommended Readings

The following list contains books referenced in this book, as well as further readings that you may
find helpful.

Co-Sex Addiction Recovery

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody
Beattie

The Couple Who Became Each Other: Stories of Healing and Transformation from a Leading
Hypnotherapist by David L. Calof with Robin Simons

The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D.

Adult Children: The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families by John C. Friel Ph.D. and Linda D. Friel M.A.

Facing Shame: Families in Recovery by Merle A. Fossum and Marilyn J. Mason

ls It Love or Is It Addiction? by Brenda Schaeffer

Back from Betrayal: Recovering from His Affairs by Jennifer Schneider, M.D.

Sex, Lies, and Forgiveness: Couples Speaking Out on Healing from Sex Addiction by Jennifer P.
Schneider, M.D. and Burt Schneider

Family
Bradshaw on the Family: A Revolutionary Way of Self-Discovery by John Bradshaw

Family Secrets: What You Don't Know Can Hurt You by John Bradshaw

The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond by Patricia Evans

The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to do When a Parent's Love Rules Your Life by Dr. Patricia
Love and Jo Robinson

Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives by Pia
Mellody, Andrea Wells Miller, and J. Keith Miller

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Appendix E |335
Key Recovery Works
Hope and Recovery: The Twelve Step Guide for Healing from Compulsive Sexual Behavior,
anonymous

Journey to the Heart: Daily Meditations on the Path to Freeing Your Soul by Melody Beattie

Healing the Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw

The Paradigm Conspiracy: Why Our Social Systems Violate Our Human Potential—and How We
Can Change Them by Denise Breton and Christopher Largent

Money Drunk/Money Sober: 90 Days to Financial Freedom by Mark Bryan and Julia Cameron

The Artist’s Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity by Julia Cameron

First Things First: To Live, to Love, to Learn, to Leave a Legacy by Stephen R. Covey

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change

by Stephen R. Covey

Craving for Ecstasy: The Consciousness and Chemistry of Escape by Harvey B. Milkman and
Stanley Sunderwirth

Way of the Peaceful Warrior: A Book That Changes Lives by Dan Millman

How to Get Out of Debt, Stay Out of Debt, and Live Prosperously by Jerrold Mundis

Reaching Out: The Three Movements of the Spiritual Life by Henri J. M. Nouwen

People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil by M. Scott Peck, M.D.

The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth
by M. Scott Peck, M.D.

Sex Addiction
Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners
— Understanding Covert Incest by
Kenneth M. Adams

Lonely All the Time: Recognizing, Understanding, and Overcoming Sex Addiction for Addicts and
Co-Dependents by Dr. Ralph H. Earle and Dr. Gregory Crowe

Erotic Justice: A Liberating Ethic of Sexuality by Marvin M. Ellison

From Generation to Generation: Understanding Sexual Attraction to Children by Anne Stirling

Hastings

336 |Appendix E Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 Women, Sex, and Addiction: A Search for Love and Power by Charlotte Sophia Kasl

The Return of the Prodigal Son: A Story of Homecoming by Henri J. M. Nouwen

Answers in the Heart: Daily Meditations for Men and Women Recovering from Sex Addiction,
anonymous

Sexual Health
The Practical Encyclopedia of Sex and Health: From Aphrodisiacs and Hormones to Potency,
Stress, Vasectomy, and Yeast Infection by Stefan Bechtel and the editors of Prevention Magazine

Positively Gay: New Approaches to Gay and Lesbian Life by Betty Berzon and Barney Frank

Male Menopause by Jed Diamond

The Chalice and the Blade: Our History, Our Future by Riane Tennenhaus Eisler

Discovering Sexuality That Will Satisfy You Both: When Couples Want Differing Amounts and
Different Kinds of Sex by Anne Stirling Hastings

Aching for Love: The Sexual Drama of the Adult Child: Healing Strategies for Women
by Mary Ann Klausner and Bobbie Hasselbring

The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse by Wendy Maltz

Passionate Hearts: The Poetry of Sexual Love edited by Wendy Maltz

Seven Weeks to Better Sex by Domeena Renshaw, M.D.

Sex and Religion

A Gospel of Shame: Children, Sexual Abuse, and the Catholic Church by Frank Bruni and
Elinor Burkett

Faithful and True: Sexual Integrity in a Fallen World by Mark Laaser

Restoring the Soul of a Church: Healing Congregations Wounded by Clergy Sexual Misconduct
edited by Nancy Myer Hopkins and Mark Laaser

Tragic Grace: The Catholic Church and Child Sexual Abuse by Stephen J. Rossetti

Sex, Priests, and Power: Anatomy of a Crisis by A. W. Richard Sipe

Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Appendix E |337
Trauma Resolution
The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse by Ellen Bass and
Laura Davis

Healing the Incest Wound: Adult Survivors in Therapy by Christine A. Courtois

Opening the Door: A Treatment Model for Therapy with Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse by
Adrienne Crowder

Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child by Laura Davis

Resolving Sexual Abuse: Solution-Focused Therapy and Ericksonian Hypnosis for Adult Survivors
by Yvonne M. Dolan

Facing Shame: Families in Recovery by Merle A. Fossum and Marilyn J. Mason.

Abused Boys: The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse by Mic Hunter

Incest and Sexuality: A Guide to Understanding and Healing by Wendy Maltz and Beverly Holman

For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence by Alice Miller

The Incestuous Workplace: Stress and Distress in the Organizational Family by William L. White

338 |Appendix E Facing the Shadow Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
 MAA ie

eras
nae Saat Spin Mi
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Dr. Carnes broke new ground with Out of “This bookeshould be primary reading for anyone seeking to
the Shadows. Facing the Shadow continues understand addiction in the twenty-first century.”
—Robert Weiss, MSW, CSAT, Author of Cruise Control
that pioneering spirit as the first book to take
techniques used by thousands of people “Facing the Shadow is an exciting hands-on process in which
recovering from sex addiction and show, step to experience healing. It will challenge the reader and offer
by step, how to break free of this disease and the opportunity to embrace recovery.”
live a healthier, more fulfilling life. This second —Claudia Black, Ph.D., Author of /t Will Never Happen to Me

edition adds timely material on cybersex and “With innovative new research and experiential, reflective
new science about arousal. This work sets the materials, this practical workbook will serve as an excellent
stage for the recovery tasks at hand, and then tool both for the general public and therapists. Pat Carnes
provides practical, easy-to-follow exercises remains the guru of the sex addiction field.”
—Ralph Earle, Ph.D., Author of Lonely All the Time
specifically designed to help understand and
address them. You'll learn: “One of the great addiction researchers of our time, Dr. Carnes
e Why denial is so powerful and what can be has been able to turn science into a practical tool of recovery.”
—Vicki Pevsner, CEO, Pine Grove Recovery Center
done to break through it.
e How to face the consequences of your “This workbook is typical of Pat’s work; it’s innovative,
behaviors using recovery principles. practical, clearly written, and infused with wisdom acquired
e How to respond to change and crisis due through much time and experience working in this field.”
—Pat Mellody, Executive Director, The Meadows
to addiction.
e How to manage life without dysfunctional
behavior. a. U.S. $29.95
$29.95

Wil
e How Spirituality affects recovery. N 978-0-9826505

e What to disclose and to whom.

Gentle Path
¢ How does sex addiction start and what FoR ears

does an addict need to know. P.O. Box 3172

Carefree, Arizona 85377
9 °780982° 650523 |
www.gentlepath.com