GLORIA

BY
BRANDEN
JACOBS-JENKINS

*
DRAMATISTS
PLAY SERVICE
INC.

-
 GLORIA GLORIA was developed by and first presented at the Vineyard
Copyright© 2016, Branden Jacobs-Jenkins
Theatre (Douglas Aibel and Sarah Stern, Artistic Directors; Jennifer
All Rights Reserved Garvey-Blackwell, Executive Producer) in New York City, on May
28, 2015. It was directed by Evan Cabnet, the set design was by
CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that performance of
GLORIA is subject to payment of a royalty. It is fully protected under the copyright
Takeshi Kata, the costume design was by Ilona Somogyi, the lighting
laws of the United States of America, and of all countries covered by the design was by Matt Frey, the sound design was by Matt Tierney,
International Copyright Union (including the Dominion of Canada and the rest of and the production stage manager was Lori Lundquist. The cast
the British Commonwealth), and of all countries covered by the Pan-American
Copyright Convention, the Universal Copyright Convention, the Berne
was as follows:
Convention, and of all countries with which the United States has reciprocal
copyright relations. All rights, including without limitation professional/amateur DEAN/DEVIN Ryan Spahn
stage rights, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting,
television, video or sound recording, all other forms of mechanical, electronic and
KENDRA/JENNA Jennifer Kirn
digital reproduction, transmission and distribution, such as CD, DVD, the ANI/SASHA/CALLIE Catherine Combs
Internet, private and file-sharing networks, information storage and retrieval GLORIA/NAN Jeanine Serralles
systems, photocopying, and the rights of translation into foreign languages are
strictly reserved. Particular emphasis is placed upon the matter of readings,
MILES/SHAWN/RASHAAD Kyle Beltran
permission for which must be secured from the Author's agent in writing. LORIN Michael Crane
The English language stock and amateur stage performance rights in the United
States, its territories, possessions and Canada for GLORIA are controlled
exclusively by DRAMATISTS PLAY SERVICE, INC., 440 Park Avenue South,
New York, NY 10016. No professional or nonprofessional performance of the
Play may be given without obtaining in advance the written permission of
DRAMATISTS PLAY SERVICE, INC., and paying the requisite fee.

Inquiries concerning all other rights should be addressed to William Morris

Endeavor Entertainment, LLC, 11 Madison Avenue, 18th floor, New York, NY
10010. Attn: Derek Zasky.

SPECIAL NOTE
Anyone receiving permission to produce GLORIA is required to give credit to the
Author as sole and exclusive Author of the Play on the title page of all programs
distributed in connection with performances of the Play and in all instances in
which the tide of the Play appears, including printed or digital materials for
advertising, publicizing or otherwise exploiting the Play and/or a production
thereof. Please see your production license for font size and typeface requirements.

Be advised that there may be additional credits required in all programs and
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all required billing is included in the requisite places, per the terms of the license.

2 3
 DRAMATIS PERSONAE

DEAN/DEVIN: extra-late 20s, "white"

KENDRA/JENNA: mid-late 20s, Chinese-American or Korean-
American GLORIA
ANI/SASHNCALLIE: early 20s,"whit~;)
GLORINNAN: extra-late 30s, "anything really'' ACT ONE
MILES/SHAWN/RASHMD: 20 years old, "black''.
LORIN: late 30s, "unclear1' A cluster of four cubicles. An upstage cubicle hides Miles, the
intern, who wears headphones and does something menial
and unseen.
SETTING
Another cubicle is occupied by Ani, who is in the process of
printing something out and preparing for her day.
The Midtown offices of an American magazine, circa the 2010s.
The other cubicles are empty.
Upstage of the cubicles are offices enclosed in .frosted glass.
Other offices are implied downstage.
As Miles and Ani work, the Gloria section of Bach's Mass in
I /, B Minor plays. The rhythm of their working seems to coincide
I with the music.
At some point, a printer somewhere starts churning, beeps,
then stops. Ani notices. She tries to get Miles's attention but
can barely be heard over the music.

ANI. Miles?
No answer.
Miles? ... Miles?
Pokes her head over the divider.
Miles!
Miles notices her, takes off his earphones, and the song cuts out.
MILES. Yep?
ANI. I think the printer is out of/ paper. Could you-
MILES. Oh yeah. No problem.
Miles gets up and exits to an offitage supply closet, leaving Ani

4 5
 onstage workingfor a bit before her phone rings. She answers. MILES. Okay, no rush.
ANI. Good morning. Arthur Kimble's office... Yes, one second ... DEAN. (Whispering to Ani, harshly.) How early did he get here?
Pressesbuttons, transferring the call ANI. (Whispering.) He was here when I got here.
Hey-I have Jonah on the line ... Okay, great. DEAN. (Still whispering.) Why would you show up before your
Ani transfers the call as Dean rushes in with his man-bag, supervisors? This is an internship. That.is.so
looking generally like a mess. He starts getting situated in his ·XN1:-wa1r..= on-~
No ;i;·~;~rh~re?·· •••••• ---
cubicle. 1,.
11 ••
DEAN. Well no one else from edit. Lydia from photo was there,
Its' U(48
(.:<.'.'./
'I J ft/l(,r
1!1/
V •• ~ for like, a minute, and the new guy in copy, but they were smart
DEAN: Shut up. I still beat.Kendra ... enough to be on their way to another party. Unless they were lying?
-----
ANI. Are you hungover? Oh my god they were lying ...
DEAN. What do you think? ANI. How long did you stay?
ANI. Where were you last night? DEAN. Until the end basically-
DEAN. Gloria's housewarming. ANI. What? Oh no!
ANI. Wait-You actually went? DEAN. I didn't know what else to do! I felt so bad. And Gloria
totally knew what was happening. She basically hid in her kitchen
DEAN. I thought we all were going! Why didn't you text me back?
all night, slicing limes for no reason, while the rest of us sat around
ANI. Oh no! I thought we were joking! making this painful small talk. It was so embarrassing-
DEAN. How would me texting you "are you coming to Gloria's" ANI. Ugh. I'm so sorry. But see what she did? She held you hos-
even be a joke?! tage-emotionally. You can't let her do that-
ANI. I totally thought you were texting me as if you were at the DEAN. I felt bad.
party but you actually really weren't.
ANI. Yeah, well don't. We're grown-ups. We're supposed to choose
DEAN. Why would I ever do that, Ani?! our friends.
ANI. I don't know-it just seems like something you would do! I DEAN. (Brightly again.) Hey, Miles?
was never going to go to Gloria's. She's, like, an emotional terrorist .... MILES. Yeah?
DEAN. Yeah, well, once I showed up last night and realized I was
DEAN. Can you come here for a second?
the only idiot who came, I had to drink enough to forget I was
there, so, for the record, the way I feel is sort of your fault! MILES. (Coming here.) Sure.
ANI. I'm so sorry! Was it awful? DEAN. (Giving him money.) Can you take this and go get a purple
Vitaminwater from the vending machines?
DEAN. So awful. So so so awful-and sad-
MILES. Sure ...
ANI. Ohno-
Miles reenters with the printer paper.
DEAN. No one showed up and she'd hired a bartender and every-
thing- (Seeing Miles, pulling himself up, brightly.) Good morning,
Miles exits.
ANI. You are the worst.
DEAN. He's our intern.
7
J
Miles! ANI. No o.ne ever made you get a Vitaminwater.
MILES. Good morning. DEAN. No, but it was different back then.
DEAN. I'll come by with something for you to do in just a second. ANI. Five years ago?

6 7
f
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DEAN. You've only been hete a year/Anica, but yes: "back then"
.
_I (.>! /, ,.

DEAN. I thought Ani would be there.

I internships were real because you actually had to do this thing KENDRA. I thought you guys were joking-?
/ called "apply for it" and there were no "labor laws" "protecting"
ANI. See?
you so no one gave you a "stipend" and the wo.rk you did was
real because you were basically auditioning for a job. That's how I DEAN. (Noticing her shopping bags.) And I'm sorry-did you
started. That's how Sasha started before me, even Crystal before actually go shopping instead of coming to work?
you. Now all these baby Ivy League fuckers, they just waltz in here KENDRA. First of all, Eleanor is working from home this morning.
on a recommendation from their fancy writing professors-just Second of all, I have been on the clock since I got on the train
looking to pad their stupid resumes-and then we're stuck running because, FYI, we live in the age of iPhones and if Eleanor needs
some sort of summer camp-literally making up busy work for something she emails me. Third of all, I am reporting.
them to do on top of our actual work because they're too entitled ANI. Reporting what?
to do anything else and they know they'll just get handed better KENDRA. I am writing a blog post on sample-sale culture.
jobs than ours right after college anyway or start their own internet
DEAN. For us?
media platform digital stupid space app dummy stupid thing and
make a billion dollars selling it to Facebook. This kid should be KENDRA. I don't know yet. It's on spec.
getting people Vitaminwaters for the life experience. (Gesturing to DEAN. So, in other words, you just went shopping.
something on her desk.) Can I borrow your- KENDRA. Stupid Kara gets to leave work all the time to cover
ANI. Of course. some dumb street fair for trans people or some crap-
Ani hands Dean a bottle of headache medicine just as Miles is DEAN. That's because she gets actual assignments-
returning with the Vitaminwater. KENDRA. Right, because her boss is the web editor and border-
MILES. Here you go. line illiterate and basically out to lunch. So Kara is rewarded for
DEAN. Thanks, Miles. I'll be over in like a second. literally being in his visual field and gets a million bylines even
though she is a terrible writer. This place is so fucked up. Your
MILES. 'Kay. No worries.
whole fate depends on who you wind up working for. IfI-or any
Miles wanders back over to his desk, crossingpaths with Kendra, of us-had wound up the web assistant or the news assistant or
who struts in with some Starbucks and a shopping bag. Michael's assistant, we'd be much farther along in our careers right
KENDRA. (To Miles, brightly.) Morning! now. Instead we rot away down here in "culture" so everyone forgets
MILES. Good morning. about us.
KENDRA. (Noticing Miles at his desk.) Oh my god look how sweet ANI. I feel pretty good about where I am in my career.
you are! Are you already hard at work? And it's not even lunch KENDRA. Give it a month. (Showing her the blouse.) Look at this
time- You're making us all look bad! cute blouse I found!
DEAN. I think he's just making you look bad, Kendra. DEAN. That looks exactly like the one you're wearing right now.
KENDRA. Dean, what's going on? Why do you look like you've KENDRA. No, Dean, you can't borrow it.
raped yourself? Beat, reading something.
ANI. He went to Gloria's thing last night. Wait, what is this weird email from Bo?
KENDRA. No! You went?! ANI. I know, I was just reading that.
ANI. And he stayed the whole time. KENDRA. They're getting rid of the coffee machine in the snack
KENDRA. What?! Why?! room?! First they stop reimbursing our cabs, then they freeze our

8 9
raises, and now we have to bring our own coffee? KENDRA. What? I'm imparting_.12rofessionalwisd9m, Ani. That
ANI. Don't you already bring your own coffee? is our responsibility as supervisors.
KENDRA. Yes, but what ifI need another cup? ANI. It's actually just really bitchy.
DEAN. Then you'll leave for Starbucks in the middle of the day KENDRA. Come on. I love Dean! We all love him-I mean, he's
like you always do. clearly got all this potential-he's always had it-but what has he
KENDRA. The point is people here are already exploited enough. actually done with it? Nothing. And why? Because he spends every
You'd think they'd garnish a figure off of their ridiculous salaries night out chumming it up with the whole industry at every stupid
before they went after our shitty free coffee. Why does it feel like networky party he can find and every day recovering from the
we're on the freaking Titanic? hangover and it's just a sad, vicious cycle.
A door opens and Nan, unseen, calls out from behind it. She ANI. Gloria's housewarming was not a stupid "networky'' party.
sounds a little miffed-or a little ill-or both. KENDRA. Ani, do you know how long has Gloria been here?
NAN. (Offstage.) Dean? ANI. I don't know.
DEAN. Nan-just finishing something up-sorry- KENDRA. Like fifteen years. Which means that not only has
Beat, seeing her. she sat around in copy for over a decade losing her mind because
Are you okay? no one here has the balls to tell people they'll never be promoted
or to just, like, fire them and put them out of their misery-but
NAN. (Offstage. A little impatient.) I'm fine. Can we get started?
Gloria's also had the good fortune of getting to know and watch,
DEAN. Yeah, sorry. I'll be right there. like, who knows however many generations of assistants come
Dean gets up, grabs a notepad through here and go on to become, like, some hotshot editor or
Fuck/ me- big reporter somewhere else. I'm willing to put money on the fact
KENDRA. Nice. that Dean thought some of those people would show up and he
would get to, like, starfuck until the sun came up. Why do you think
ANI. What's happening?
he actually stayed the whole time? But he obviously miscalculated.
DEAN. Nan is flying out this afternoon for the Edinburgh book And why? Because Gloria is the office freak and no one wants to
fair and business made her book an earlier flight because it was hang with the office freak outside the office, which Dean would
cheaper so now I have to reschedule half the meetings before the have noticed if he wasn't so desperate and drunk, and we all know
offices over there close. heavy drinking impairs your judgement, which brings me back
Dean exits into Nan's office. to my original point: "schmoozers become boozers." I just made
KENDRA. Ani, did Dean just get here? that up. If Nan had half a brain, she would take away his expense
account and put that money towards rehab. And, honestly, for the
ANI. Yeah. Like ten minutes before you did.
both of them. That woman's about as big of a lush as he is. The
KENDRA. What a douche. And also, is he going for some sort of only difference is, somehow, she manages to work through the
record?
hangovers. I think I've had a lot of caffeine-
ANI. What do you mean? ANI. I just think Dean was being nice.
KENDRA. Isn't this the third time this week he's come in hung- KENDRA. Yeah, okay.
over? (To Miles.) Miles, see? I want you to be careful. Too much
ANI. And I think it's really inappropriate for you to be saying all
networking turns you into an alcoholic.
this behind his back and in front of our intern-
ANI. Kendra.
KENDRA. I'm just concerned, Ani. And I will say it to his face.

10 11
 And I think it's better Intern hears it here than out on the street. Isn't KENDRA. You brought it on yourself.
that right, Intern? ANI. What?
Beat, no answer, turns to look. KENDRA. You think you're the first person to "apologize" for
Oh wait, he has his headphones on. skipping her dumb party? If this woman didn't know her social
ANI. Good. standing around here before, she certainly knows it now. I'd be
MILES. (Taking his headphones off.) What? bitchy, too.
KENDRA. Nothing. Actually, can you take this and get me a Luna ANI. Well, you didn't go to her party and she didn't say anything
Bar from the vending machines? to you.
Kendra gives him some money. Miles goes,just as Gloria comes KENDRA. She never says anything to me. I think I've made it
stalking in, clutching her purse. She stops in front of Dean's perfectly clear to Gloria that she and I have no reason to ever speak
empty cubicle. Her energy is way weird. to each other ever. Unlike you and Dean, I don't believe there's a
point in being fake to her.
ANI. Speaking of Hi, Gloria!
Miles reenters.
GLORIA. Speaking of?
ANI. I'm not being fake. I'm being polite.
ANI. We were just talking about you.
MILES. Here you go.
GLORIA. Why were you just talking about me?
KENDRA. Thank you, Miles.
ANI. Your party. I'm so sorry I couldn't make it last night. Dean
said it was really nice. Beat, in which everyone "works."Anis phone rings.
GLORIA. (A little taken aback.) He did? ANI. Arthur Kimble's office.
ANI. Yeah. Did you have fun? Beat.
GLORIA. (Cold) Not really. Hi Clara. He's meeting with a writer at the moment, but can he call
you right back?
ANI. Oh.
Beat.
Beat, as Gloria stares at Ani intensely, perhaps clutching her
purse a little tighter. Ani feels a little freaked out. Okay great.
GLORIA. Where is Dean? Ani hangs up the phone.
ANI. (Freaked out.) Uh, he's meeting with Nan right now. KENDRA. Oh my god, Sarah Tweed is dead?!
GLORIA. Okay. I have to go. ANI. What?
Gloria stalks off. KENDRA. They found her body this morning! Oh my god. An
overdose?
ANI. What the fuck was that?
ANI. How am I just hearing about this?!
KENDRA. What the fuck was what?
MILES. Who is Sarah Tweed?
ANI. She just like stared at me like this for like three minutes.
KENDRA. Oh my god are you kidding me?/ Ani-
Stares at Kendra like Gloria.
ANI. This is so sad. What?
Like a crazy person.
KENDRA. Miles just asked me who Sarah Tweed is.
KENDRA. Gloria is a crazy person.
ANI. What?
ANI. No, this was like uncharacteristically crazy. Like bitchy.
KENDRA. Now I feel a hundred years old.

12 13

I
 MILES. So who is she? KENDRA. Last night.
ANI. I'll find you one of her songs. DEAN. OD?
KENDRA. Oh my god I used to love Sarah Tweed. KENDRA. Yes.
A moody song, made up mostly of moaning, begins playing DEAN. Oh my god-Called it.
from Anis computer. Ani awkwardly sings along for a bar or ANI. Rude. I loved her.
two liketi_gj_rlwho thinks she likes to sing but real~ doesn't.
KENDRA. Is this song really ten years old?
MILES. I ha~e-never heard this before. ••-
ANI. Oh my god what? Where has my life gone?
KENO RA. Is this Ophelia Street?
DEAN. Oh, Ani, shut up-
ANI. No. 1he Glitter Witch.
KENDRA. Yeah, aren't you, like, twenty-four?
KENDRA. Ugh, duh-
DEAN. (Dropping manuscripts off with Miles.) Okay, Miles, it's your
ANI. I was obsessed with this album for an entire year of my life. lucky day. I've got to reschedule a bunch of meetings this morning,
KENDRA. She got me through such a bad depression. so you get to do first pass on some books we're considering for
Beat. excerpt. So: read these and get me evals by the end of the day, okay?
Oh my god, wait, this is my favorite part! MILES. Yeah, sure.
ANI. Me, too! DEAN. And, uh, take your time. Don't work too hard. We're not
Ani and Kendra half sing that part of the song together. paying you enough. And don't feel like you have to show up at
nine A.M.
MILES. You guys are so weird.
MILES. (With a laugh.) Okay, I'll remember that for tomorrow.
KENDRA. You're weird.
He puts on some headphones, starts sorting through the book
Dean finally emergesfrom Nans office.
manuscripts.
DEAN. Okay, well, let me know if you need me I to get you any-
DEAN. (Beat, crossing back to his desk.) This song is so terrible.
thing, aspirin or. ..
KENDRA. You're terrible. (Remembering.) Oh shit. Is it Thursday?
KENO RA. I love this song.
DEAN. Yes.
Dean goes to his desk and grabs some manuscripts.
Kendra picks up a phone and dials a number. She waits for
ANI. What's wrong with Nan?
someone to pick up and motions for Ani to turn the music
l
DEAN. She's sick. down a bit. Ani complies. Meanwhile, everyone else starts to
( / KENDRA. You mean hungover? Are you guys like how dogs "work. " She proceeds to have a long discussion in Chinese or
, I start to resemble their owners? Korean-whichever the actress can speak/fake.
• Dean flips Kendra off. KENO RA. (In another language.) Hey, Dad. Is Mom there? ... Can
DEAN. Ew. Is this Sarah Tweed? Why are we playing this? I speak to her? Okay ...
KENO RA. In memoriam. DEAN. (To Ani.) Is Kendra serious right now?
DEAN. What? ANI. I know. I can't.
ANI. I She died. KENDRA. (Still into the phone, still in another language.) Mom-
KENO RA. She died. Hi! I totally forgot it was your birthday! / I meant to call yesterday
but I was so busy- Happy birthday! ... I can't talk long, because
DEAN. What? When?
I'm at work, but how are you feeling? Good! Are you healing okay?

14 15
Are the pills helping? Good ... Good ... Okay ... Well I have to go. LORIN. And we can basically hear everything, so please. Thanks.
I'm at work. Okay. I love you! Bye! KENDRA. We'll keep it down.
Beat. 1hey work.
Lorin leaves.
ANI. Oh, Dean, Gloria came by looking for you earlier. DEAN. Oh my god, Lorin, eat a dick.
DEAN. Why?
ANI. Be nice! Fact-checking is hard.
ANI. I have no idea. But she was in like extra-crazy mode. DEAN. The issue is closed. Lorin's just being annoying-like he's
MILES. (Taking out his headphones.) Hey Dean? the only person ever doing any work. Just get headphones like
DEAN. Yes, Miles? everyone else.
MILES. (Holding out something for him.) I think you accidentally KENDRA. It's gotten worse since he's been promoted.
left this in the pile. ANI. Maybe he's under more stress?
DEAN. (Snatching it away, kind of .freaking out.) I Oh my god! KENDRA. Okay, we get it Ani. You're in love with him.
Thank you.
ANI. I Kendra!
ANI. What is that?
DEAN. What?
DEAN. Nothing. Thank you, Miles. KENDRA. What? It's so obvious-the way you flirt. Besides, this
MILES. No problem. office could use another couple besides Lucy and Marcus. I Yuck.
Miles goes back to his reading. DEAN. You have a crush on Lorin?
ANI. (To Dean.) What is that? ANI. I do not have a crush on Lorin-oh my god.
DEAN. Nothing. KENDRA. That's not how you were acting at the last office party.
ANI. Then why did you freak out like that? Let me see! Though did we ever find out if he's gay?
DEAN. No. DEAN. Lorin is not gay.
ANI. What was it, Miles? KENDRA. How do you know?
DEAN. (Snapping.) Stop, Ani! Mind your business! DEAN. We all know each other. I mean, I think he might be Jewish?__
~
KENDRA. (Hanging up.) You guys-what the hell! I was on the ANI. No his mom is Mexican-
phone! KENDRA. You guys~orin is a harried, passive-aggressiveshell of
DEAN. You were on a personal call- himself and that has nothing to do with race. It's just what happens
Lorin, a sad sad sad sad guy, sort of stalks on, goes over to Anis when you stay in this hideous place for too long. It could happen
cubicle. to any of us.
LORIN. Hey, I'm sorry you guys, but- (Distracted, to Ani.) Can DEAN. Really, Kendra? The intern is right there.
you-can you please turn that off? Please?- KENDRA. He's wearing his headphones. And, Ani, I hope you're
ANI. (Turning it off) Sorry, sorry, sorry- paying attention. I know your whole thing is like, "Oh, I'm so
pretty. I'm a pretty nerd. I graduated from college a year early with
LORIN. (To everyone.) We are all trying to work down the hall, so
like a neuroscience degree and was going to go clone like baby
if you could just please please just keep it down a little bit, we'd
brains but accidentally wound up in magazines because I know
really appreciate it? I know it seems like you're isolated, but this
computer and science stuff but if it doesn't work out I can always
hallway / actually carries sound-
just go to like brain school or computer school or wherever pretty
KEND RA. Carries sound-/ We know- nerds go." " - - -

16
 Beat. riches of being an American when being an American was basically
But you better start figuring your shit out. Get a five-year plan. the Best and also, by freak chance, just happened to discover New
Because if you don't, you're going to wake up one day and the thing York when it, too, was also the Best and apartments were like a
you thought would be an interesting thing to do after college is dollar. And now, all these decades later, here we are. Now that the
actually your career and then you have to live with it. publishing world's collapsed and contracting all around us, mainly
because these morons were too bu~kh,1Jri1::ttand boozing_tgC::irway
Dean burps loudly.
through the eigtties/ nineties, as opposed to~Tdon'1: kno~ 1 . amici-
Ew. For example: this cautionary tale. pating the internet~Now that all the martini lunch~s have all
DEAN. Excuse me? dried up, all these boomers are like, "Wait, I think being a good
KENDRA. Don't you hold the title for the longest living assistant editor and building a sustainable media industry is actually a skill
on Edit Row? that requires work. What is this work? How do you do it? Can I do
DEAN. No. Daisy's been here the longest. it now?" And suddenly realizing how disposable they've made them-
selves. In the meantime, who has historically been doing all the
KENDRA. Daisy doesn't count. She's the assistant to the editor-
work? The poor suckers born a generation later. It's the assistants.
in-chief, which is basically an associate editor. And I said "longest
Like us-some of us who think they're going to rise through the
living." Aren't you turning thirty any day now? I will die before I
rank like their bosses did without realizing that these editors were
tur11xhiityin2Lubicle.,
~-
- all assistants, again, by freak chance, in the exact historical window
DEAN. Let me know how I can help with that. when this city actually acci<:l~m&lyh::i,g~fuckton of opp()HlJUityin
Beat. it and 0:s,_tjmuhe.illusion of it. And now·everytn1ng.is all consti-
And Daisy is not a fucking associate editor. First of all, she just pated.-And do you know why? Because people actually died back
ghost-edits all the writers Michael doesn't want. Second of all, if then. There was something called turnover. Now these boomers
you're in a cubicle, you're an assistant. aren't dying. And they all know it. And, if we're not careful, they're
going to starve us/ out-
KENDRA. Okay, Dean. Believe what you need to believe.
Nan is heard vomiting loudly through the office door, cutting
ANI. What's your five-year plan, Kendra?
everyone off Beat.
KENDRA. What do you mean?
NAN. (Offstage.) Dean?
ANI. You're twenty-seven. That gives you only three years.
Dean goes to Nan's door.
KENDRA. Um I am clearly making healthy strides towards an exit.
ANI. (To Kendra.) Did she just throw up?
DEAN. With what? Your fake Twitter accounts or your fashion
DEAN. Nan? Are you okay?
Tumblrs?
NAN. (Offstage.) I'm fine.
KENDRA. Eat me. At least I'm getting my name out there. I guess
I should be on the Drunk Uncle Dean plan, getting wasted every DEAN. Are you sure?
night, and continue waiting around here for a promotion that's NAN. (Offstage.) Yes. But can you come here for a second?
never going to happen? KENDRA. (ToAni.) See what I mean? Dog. Owner.
DEAN. Kendra, do some work. Once Dean has exited, Ani gets up, goes around, and looks at
KENDRA. If you had half a brain, you'd look around and see the document on Dean's desk, nosily.
everyone in charge is pushing sixty, or just past it, and they're not ANI. Kendra.
going anywhere and they are certainly not thinking about you. This
KENDRA. What?
bunch of fucking J=l_CJ~t:\\'_~_J;_lun:_on-babies
who're spoiled_qn the

18 19

:..
 ANI. Dean has a book proposal on his desk. KENDRA. I'm sure that helped your hangover.
r KENDRA. So?
ANI. It's his.
ANI. Wait, are you going to throw up, too? Because I have a thing
with throw-up.
KENDRA. (Getting up to go see.) He does not! DEAN. I don't know.
ANI. A memoir. ANI. I could get you a ginger ale or something?
KENDRA. A memoir about what? DEAN. I think I just need some caffeine.
ANI. Zine Dreams, or Ambition. "Zine Dreams"? "Zine"? (Gasps.) KENDRA. What caffeine? There's no more coffee in the snack
Is that supposed to be short for "magazines"? room. But I'm probably going to make a Starbucks run in a bit, if
KENDRA. Oh god. "New York City is a rat race and this is the you want something. / () ,A;cr;i✓tv •• •••
0'c1
story of one young professional's laps in it. This is about climbing Kendra drains the dregs of her Sta~bucks.
every ladder of a publishing world only to be stuck in the same pit." DEAN. Kendra, how do you get away with this?
What does that even mean?
KENDRA. Get away with what?
Nan's door opens and Dean backs out of it, holding some-
DEAN. Doing no work. You just got here an hour late, called
thing. Ani and Kendra run to their desks, guiltily, but Dean
China or something, monologued about baby boomers for fifteen
doesn't notice.
minutes, and now you're leaving on a coffee break? Does Eleanor
DEAN. (To Nan.) Are you sure you can get on the plane? just literally have nothing for you to do?
NAN. (Offitage.) I'm sure. Please. I just have to get back to work. KENDRA. It's not my fault my boss is self-sufficient enough to
DEAN. Okay. clean up her own puke. As a woman who has managed to make a
NAN. Thank you, Dean. name for herself in this shitty industry still dominated by privileged
DEAN. No problem. straight white men, Eleanor is sensitive to the demands on my
time-
Dean closesthe door.
DEAN. ~_Qµ're !_!i~!i-~!3:11:girl from Pasadena with a degree
ANI. (Back at her cubicle.) What happened? from Harvard._That ise§~entiallya pdvileged straightwhiie man:
Dean turns around slowl.y.He is holding a plastic bag full of KENDRA~ How privilei~a;d~hit~~~d ~~i~~fy~~-~-~ ~ay.And
vomit.
also, somehow, very gay. I can't wait to read about it in Zine Dreams.
KENDRA. Dean, please tell me that is not what I think it is! Beat, as Dean realizes.
Silently, sadly, but swiftly, as if he, too, might upchuck, Dean DEAN. Fuck you guys! You went through my desk?!
runs offitage.
KENDRA. Ani went through it.
ANI. Oh my god ew. Is that bag full of puke?
DEAN. Ani!
MILES. (Taking his headphones off) What's going on?
KENDRA. Here I was thinking you were wasting away on the
KENDRA. Dean just walked out of Nan's office holding a bag of editor track. See, Ani? Even Dean has an escape plan. I have to
puke.
admit I'm kind of impressed. You're not as dumb as you act. Just
MILES. (Peeking around the cubicle.) Ew. What? don't open the book with your stupid monastery story.
Dean returns shamefully, looking blanched ANI. What monastery story?
ANI. Are you okay? DEAN. Kendra, please shut up. Some of us are trying to work.
DEAN. I don't want to talk about it. KENDRA. Wait, did you not know that Dean tried to be a Buddhist

20 21

...
r
I
(/
,/
monk? It's like the only interesting thing about him, and it's not even DEAN. It sounds like she already wrote the piece. ff(ic\
that interesting- KENDRA. It was a blog post! It was filler for their dumb web-
DEAN. Kendra, will you shut up? Will you shut the fuck up before site! You know that means she only tossed it off in like forty-five
I fucking kill you? minutes and now it's being rushed into the next issue? Why does
KENDRA. Um, should I contact HR? it always happen like this? This girl didn't write a single thing
before she got here!
DEAN. Do I need to rip open your big fucking ugly mouth and
piss down your stupid / fucking throat in order to get you and your ANI. It's actually pretty good.
stupid fucking face to shut the fuck up! KENDRA. What?
ANI. You guys ... you guys ... you guys ... you guys ... you guys- ANI. She already filed a draft in the system.
Lorin reenters. KENDRA. (Franticallysearchingher computer.)What?!
LORIN. I'm sorry but are you guys kidding me right now? I'm Beat, as she readsthe piece on her computer.
really really not trying to be annoying, but can you guys please Wha ... Are you ... I. .. Oh my fucking god. And what the fuck is
please please keep it down? Please, okay? I am asking you so nicely. this title? "Serenading Sappho"? Why is Kara trying to make Sarah
We are working on a really insane deadline. Tweed look like some huge lesbian!
DEAN. Lorin, what is happening? DEAN. Wasn't she?
LORIN. We're running this last-minute profile on some singer KENDRA. No! She dated like three girls! She was bi. Kara's just
named Sarah Tweed- got some weird lesbian ageng~_whereshe's trying to make this a gay
DEAN. I What? suicide or something.-Sli:otild I say something to her? I'm going to
ANI. I What? say something.
KENDRA. I Wait, what?! DEAN. You'd have to say something to the editor.
LORIN. She died. KENDRA. You're right! Who's the editor?
KENDRA. We know! How are they profiling her now? DEAN. Austin.
LORIN. Yeah, weirdly enough we've had this blog post that Kara KENDRA. Jesus Christ. Of course it's fucking Austin. I'm totally
wrote in inventory, that's randomly becoming timely, so they want going to do it. I'll just walk up to Austin and be like, "Hey, I read
to beef it up into a feature and we're rushing it into the next issue. Kara's piece. I'm a huge Sarah Tweed fan, I just read the draft and I
just noticed some things." Ani, come with me!
ANI. I What? Why?
ANI. Leave me out of it.
KENDRA. Are you kidding? (/1:(l
KENDRA. You are such a pussy! This is a conspiracy! We are just
LORIN. I know. It's ~u~ I'm sitting here waiting to as qualified as the other end of that hallway and no one remembers
be called back by some twenty-six-year-old who happens to be the us and then we have to stand by and watch this artist we love-this
one person in the world to have done a PhD on Sarah Tweed. I'm artist we cherish-get written about poorly the day after she dies?
thirty-seven and all I have is a BA in French. Like why did I do We have to take a stand against this! We have to like remind people
that? I'm not French! My family's not French! I was supposed to be that we're here, you guys! I'm gonna do it!
a lawyer. Someone just shoot me.
DEAN. Do it!
Lorin exits.
KENDRA. I'm doing it!
KENDRA. This is so unfair! Why is Kara getting to write about
Sarah Tweed?! Kendra stands up, resolutelywalks off

22 23
ANI. Where does it say that Austin is editing the piece? Hey, Dean.
DEAN. Nowhere. I just made that up. DEAN. Yes?
ANI. Oh my god! That was so mean, Dean! What did you just do? MILES. I only glanced at the cover letter, but I thought your book
DEAN. I got her the fuck away from me so I could get some work sounded good. I'd totally read it.
done. (,4 lesson.) Don't go through my desk. (Noticing Ani exiting.) DEAN. Thanks.
Where are you going? MILES. Yeah, I had no idea you were a Buddhist.
ANI. I clearly need to go watch this unfold? DEAN. I'm not a Buddhist. I worked in a monastery. And it was
Ani scurries off after Kendra. Dean and Miles remain, sort of only, like, a few months. It was bullshit.
working. Gloria comes stalking around the corner, sees Dean. MILES. Then why did you do it?
GLORIA. Hey. DEAN. I was dating someone in college who was really into
DEAN. Hey, Gloria. Ani said you were looking for me earlier, Buddhism and it was this person's idea to basically try and live
what's up? there and work there and I thought it would be interesting and
GLORIA. Uh, nothing. I figured it out. worth writing about, but then I realized that Buddhist monasteries
are just boring as shit and they work the volunteers like slaves. And
DEAN. Okay ... Can I help you with something?
this person I was dating turned out to be a total psycho. So I just
GLORIA. Where did Ani and Kendra go? left. And I moved to New York.
DEAN. Ani's watching Kendra confront Austin about Kara'sprofile. MILES. Ah.
Do you need them? Beat.
GLORIA. No. I wonder if I should write a book.
DEAN. Okay. DEAN. Uh, do you have something to write about?
Beat.
MILES. Not yet, but I mean I feel like I could figure it out. pid YQ..1:1:
How are you? have something to write about before you decided to be a writer? '
GLORIA. Fine. DEAN~N~texaci:ly. ••••••••••
DEAN. Last night was fun! MILES. Well then how did you know that you were a writer?
Gloria stares at him for a long time, like she's about to say DEAN. I've just known since I was young. But it took me a while
something, hands trembling in her pockets. Then, sudden/,y,she to start writing anything good. I needed some experience.
just stalks off, leaving Dean behind, completely weirded out.
MILES. I admire people who've always known what they wanted
MILES. Was that Gloria? to do. I've like never known.
DEAN. Yes. DEAN. I bet you're just naturally good at everything, huh?
MILES. Yikes. MILES. (With a laugh.) No-I can't even figure out what I'm
DEAN. I know. She's a little weird. going to do after college. I was actually thinking about grad
MILES. Yeah-I heard you guys talking about her just now. school or J school or something but now I think I want to wait
maybe. I don't even know if I want to be a writer or an editor or
DEAN. I thought you had your headphones on?
work in magazines, really. My professor just thought I would be
MILES. Yeah but I haven't been listening to anything for a while. good at it.
Beat. DEAN. Yeah. Rich loves you-

24 25
MILES. Do you like working in magazines? Well, obviously not, DEAN. I mean, I don't know. She's also a little sick.
since you're writing a book- MILES. Do you think that you could ask her?
DEAN. That's not true. I'm just ready for a change. DEAN. Um. Sure.
MILES. Yeah. Yeah, me, too. I only just realized that I've spent Picks up thephone, dials.
my entire life being in school. I think I might need to experience
Nan? The intern's last day is tomorrow and he's wondering ifhe can
the real world. I'm actually thinking about maybe going abroad
come say goodbye before you-Are you going to have time? I told
and just like teaching English. Just somewhere like really far away
him you- Yes... It's "Miles." Okay.
and random. Like Germany or Japan or something, but I'm really
interested in Africa, though. Yeah. Did you know that, within our Hangs up.
lifetime, they're expecting like two-thirds of the population of the She said you can pop your head in right now if you want.
whole continent to just be like ... gone? Just like totally wiped out. MILES. Cool.
! sudde11!yJ~t"'.lthisdeep<111xi~tyctpoutthe ft1tur~2 :i~<:>~t
how every- DEAN. Just knock.
th1ngTknow now could just be gone one day-or like everything
on the Earth right now at this exact moment could be totally Miles gets up, goes to the door, knocks.
different tomorrow. MILES. Hey, Nan?
DEAN. Yeah. Listen, I've got to get back to rescheduling these NAN. (Offitage.) Miles, come in, come in.
meetings. MILES. I just want-
MILES. Oh, oh yeah, I'm sorry. NAN. (Offitage.) Come in. You can close the door.
Beat, beforeMiles goes back to his cubicle. MILES. Wha-okay.
So Nan's going to be gone tomorrow? Miles closesthe door. Dean looksa little alarmed,just as Ani
DEAN. Yeah. She's flying out this afternoon for a book fair in is seenscurrying back onstage,past Miles, making her way to
Scotland. her seat.
MILES. When is she leaving? ANI. Shit shit shit shit shit-
DEAN. Well, she's about to leave for a noon lunch, and then I DEAN. What happened?
don't really know if she'll be back to the office before she heads to Kendra stalks back onstage,looking reallyunhappy.
the airport. KENDRA. You are a fucking asshole!
MILES. Oh. Then do you think she'll have like a second to speak DEAN. What happened?
to me before she leaves?Just like a second.
KENDRA. Austin is not editing Kara's piece, you piece of shit!
DEAN. I don't know.
DEAN. Really?
MILES. 'Cause, you know, tomorrow is my last day-
KENDRA. No, Eleanor is!
DEAN. No it isn't?
DEAN. You don't know what your own boss is editing?
MILES. Yeah, it is. It's been six weeks.
KENDRA. Eleanor is working from home!
DEAN. Holy crap. I didn't even realize-
DEAN. Wow, so you really do have nothing to do.
MILES. Ha ha ha. Yeah, time flies. I just feel like I just want to say
KENDRA. You set me up! That is not cool! I would never do that
a proper goodbye before she left. Just you know, to say goodbye.
to you!
Just really quick. Is she going to have time?
DEAN. I swear I had no idea about Eleanor.

26 27
KENDRA. And now because of you Michael thinks I'm an idiot! who can go fuck yourselves. Except for Miles. Wait, where is Miles?
DEAN. Michael? DEAN. Saying goodbye to Nan.
KENDRA. Yes! Because, after Austin told me he wasn't editing KENDRA. Oh' good. Maybe he's interviewing for your job.
the print piece and I realized you were a fucking liar, he was just DEAN. Haha.
like, "Why don't we just call Kara in here and you can give her KENDRA. Or maybe he's telling her about your book proposal.
your notes yourself," and so, like, in stalks Kara, who I guess had
DEAN. Oh, shut up.
been eavesdropping and she's like, "What notes?" And I just point
out all of the liberties she took with Sarah Tweed's sexuality and, KENDRA. Or maybe he's telling her about your book and inter-
I guess, this strikes a nerve because Kara is insecure and knows viewing for your job at the same time. You know, Nan has seemed
she's not supposed to be writing this, so she starts screaming at unimpressed with you lately. And Miles is young and smart and
me, accusing me of being homophobic, which is not fair because capable and not a drunk-
I!q_tally have_agay brother? and then Michael comes over from DEAN. Why don't you tweet about it on your Twitter?
next door and he's like, "What is going on?" And Austin's all, KENDRA. Zine Dreams. What makes you think anything about
"Kendra is just giving Kara some notes on the Sarah Tweed your miserable little life is worth reading about?
piece," then Michael's like, ''Are these coming from Eleanor?" DEAN. I Tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet
And I'm just like, "No, they're coming from me, why would they tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet
be coming from Eleanor?" And then Michael's like, "Because tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet-
Eleanor's editing the piece." And then the room gets really quiet
KEND RA. The last thing the world needs is another memoir of a
and I have to make up some excuse about how Eleanor's been in
drunk white guy wasting away his twenties in New York-I'M
meetings all morning and I look like a fucking asshole when you
GOING TO STARBUCKS!
and Kara are the fucking assholes!
Kendra grabs herpurse and leaves.Lorin comesover.
ANI. How is this Kara's fault?
LORIN. Guys, really? Really?!
KENDRA. Because she was turning a very professional conversation
out to be some sort of catfight and trying to imply I was there to DEAN. Do you need to borrow a pair of headphones?
sabotage her- LORIN. I have my own headphones and I can still hear you! I can
DEAN. Which you were- still hear you over my sixty-dollar noise-cancelling headphones,
because what you are making is more than noise, okay?!
KENDRA. No I was not! I was trying to help!
DEAN. Sorry.
DEAN. Kendra, you know, Kara's in the middle of closing a piece
that's turning around in a day. ANI. How is the profile going?
KENDRA. So? It's been in inventory for months. It was basically LORIN. It looks like we're over the hard part.
dead- DEAN. Well don't take your morning nap just yet. Kendra just
DEAN. Still, she has to fluff it up to a profile in a day. I know this psyched Kara out with a bunch of notes that Eleanor's probably
may sound a little foreign to you since you spent half your day in line going to make her incorporate-
for sample sales, but when people actually do work, it's actually LORIN. WHAT?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!
stressful and you're sort of tired and the last thing you want is DEAN. I wish. AskAni.
someone trying to "help you" by fucking with it. LORIN. Where did she go? I'm going to kick her in the throat!
KENDRA. Thanks for the life lesson. Now I have to warn Eleanor DEAN. Starbucks.
about this shitshow-You know what, you people are fucking losers

28 29
 LORIN. WHAT?!? want you when you are dead!" What is this terrible place? Why are
Lorin suddenly starts sobbing softly.Beat, as he cries. we like this? Is another human life anything to us but an excuse to
ANI. (Getting up, going to comforthim.) Lorin? think about ourselves? Sorry, her music-I think her music is really
getting to me.
DEAN. Are you okay?
., ANI. What have you been listening to?
LORIN. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm just so tired.
LORIN. StyrofoamGirl. Ugh-Everyone just suddenly feels so cruel!
ANI. You've been up all night.
DEAN. You'rejust having a moment.
LORIN. No. Not just that. I'm fucking just tired of this job. I just
turned thirty-seven, you guys, and I'm still a fact-checker. LORIN. And did you hear about poor Gloria?
ANI. But you just got promoted- ANI. What about Gloria?
DEAN. Yeah-You're the head fact-checker. LORIN. No one went to her party last night.
ANI. Dean went.
LORIN. That is still a fact-checker! In fact, it's worse because
you're the fucking mother of all fact-checkers. You have to stay LORIN. Oh, you did?
here the whole fucking night fact-checking the fact-checkers and DEAN. I did.
after like six hours of fact-checking fact-checkers fact-checking all LORIN. Did anyone else show up? Lydia said she went, but she
these sloppy fucking facts the writers could actually give a shit left because it was so awkward.
about, you just want to claw your eyes off and bleed out through
DEAN. Yeah, there was like four people the whole night. She had
your skull holes! You're just like, "What does it even matter if this
all this catered food and a bartender. I got so drunk.
is true or not? It's all a fucking story in a fucking magazine! No one
Jeads magazines for the truth! People just want something to read ANI. She actually came by here earlier and I asked her about the
on the elliptical at the gym or to line their fucking canary cages party and she told me she had an awful time.
with-" I don't fucking know! And it will all wind up in the trash LORIN. Ugh. I feel so bad. I wrote her an email. Ifl hadn't been
by Friday. And then there's a fresh load of this bullshit waiting for here all night, I would have gone. '
you in your mailbox on Monday! And what is a "profile writer" ANI. Really? <°11 !
/ v,,,,
actually doing besides throwing one human being after another to LORIN. Yes. Gloriad been here so long. They work l'i'er to the
the wolves of history, rendering entire lives flat and uncomplicated bone. And copy stays later than anyone else I know, except me.
and eight thousand words long? Like this fucking Sarah Tweed This place is her life-these are, like, the people she knows. She
girl. Why the fuck are we only interested in her now, now that she's was just finally able to scrape enough of her crap salary together
dead? Why does dying suddenly make someone more interesting? to buy her own place. This is probably the hugest thing to happen
What the fuck is she going to do with a profile now? Sell her CDs? to her. So she pours all of her effort into throwing this party and
She's fucking dead. What is this going to do except make money inviting everyone and no one-no one could be bothered to show
for people other than her? It's so fucking fucked up. And I really up? And Gloria is, okay, a little weird, but she hasn't always been
envy her, you know. I wish I was dead, full of opiates in the back this way. She's just this lady from Florida who'd been reading the
of a station wagon right now. I fucking wish. Anything but this magazine since she was a little girl. Be careful Ani: This place just
bullshit! I bet she was fucking smiling when she swallowed that turns you into a-It just sucks your soul out of you and leaves you
bottle of painkillers and climbed into that sleeping bag. I bet she with a fucking empty apartment. Dicks for coworkers. Your youth
was just like, "Finally, I'm getting the fuck out of this miserable gone. Your friends gone. Your dreams gone. Dean knows what I'm
existence, off of this miserable planet of people who seem like talking about. It's good you went, man.
interested in you, but really only want you dead, who only
Beat.

30 31
 Anyway, I have to get back to my desk, since I now know we're GLORIA. Dammit!
expecting a total rewrite. What the shit. Tell Kendra when she gets ANI. Is everything okay, Gloria?
back to come see me. I'm going to uppercut her face offl GLORIA. Yeah. It's fine! It's just you edit people are just never at
Lorin exits.Beat, beforethe sound of laughtercomesftom Nan's your desks! Do you guys just have like nothing to do?!
office.Dean looksat the door. DEAN. Ha ha ha sort ...
DEAN. What the hell? GLORIA. Fuck this!
ANI. Sounds like a fun interview. (Off Dean'slook.) Kidding. Gloriastalks off, hands in herpockets.
DEAN. Not funny. DEAN. Um ...
Beat. ANI. See? Extra-crazy.
You know, he just sat here and gave me this whole spiel about how Nan's officeopensand Miles enters.
he didn't know what he wanted to do after college or if he was even
interested in magazines and now he's probably going down on her MILES. Ha ha ha ha yes-
in there. Do you think he's after my job? NAN. (Offitage. Sounding much better.) Well, have a good senior
ANI. No. I think he's just a sweet, likeable guy. year!
DEAN. Oh please. He's just as ambitious as you or me. I promise. MILES. Yes thank you! Have a safe trip! And feel better!
ANI. I don't know if I consider myself an ambitious person. NAN. (Offitage.) Thanks. I will. Can you close the door?
DEAN. What? MILES. Sure.
ANI. Yeah. I like to think I'm sort of just here to see what happens. Miles closesthe door.
DEAN. Yeah, because you've got actual marketable skills- DEAN. That was quite a goodbye.
ANI. What are you talking about? MILES. Ha ha ha. I know. Nan is really amazing.
DEAN. You can do math! You know what "code" is. All I know DEAN. She is. What were you guys laughing about?
how to do is read English! I don't even know what an engineer MILES. Oh, just like ... Professor Morrison.
does. You could go someplace else. But here's what happens to the DEAN. What about Rich?
rest of us, Ani. You wake up one day and the thing that you thought MILES. Just like this funny story about him.
was just going to be a fun thing to do after college turns into your
DEAN. Okay. And what else?
career-your life. And then you just have to live with that.
MILES. And, I don't know, she asked me what I was going to do
Gloriacomeswhipping around the corner,hands in herpockets.
after graduation. And I said I didn't really know and she gave me
GLORIA. Where did Kendra go?! some advice.
DEAN. Oh shit, she was here, but then she went to Starbucks. Do DEAN. That's nice. What kind of advice?
you need something?
MILES. Just like ... whatever. Like general advice. Nothing specific,
GLORIA. Are you kidding me?! How long ago? but she did say that I could call her ifl was ever interested in working
DEAN. I don't know. A while ago. in publishing or something.
GLORIA. Well when is she usually back? DEAN. Yeah, well, she sort of says that to everybody.
DEAN. It's Kendra. For all we know she's already home getting MILES. Yeah, but I don't know ifl'm really interested in publishing.
ready for bed. I mean, it seems like you guys have it pretty hard. Everyone here's
so miserable, but anything you ever read about anything exciting

32 33

1111
 to do or anywhere exciting to be, people aren't miserable. They're DEAN. I'm sorry-I'm sorry-
excited, you know?- GLORIA. I'm not going to shoot you.
Screaming is heard. DEAN. (Hears her, stops mumbling, openseyes.)What?
DEAN. What the hell? GLORIA. You were always so nice to me. Thanks.
MILES. What is-? Beat.
More screamingis heard. And thanks for coming to my party. You didn't have to say you had
DEAN. It's coming from fact-checking. Someone should go tell a fun time, but you did. Thanks.
them to shut the fuck up. Gloriagoesinto a cornerand raisesthe gun to her own head.
A gunshot is heard. Maybe afew. DEAN. Wh-wh-wh-
MILES. Whoa- Gloriapulls the trigger.Blood splatterseverywhereas: Black-
Miles seeswhat it is, goes wide-eyed. out.
DEAN. What was that? In the dark, Bach'sMass in B Minor picks up where it left off
Miles turns around and attempts to run offitagepast Dean. and plays on through the intermission.
Meanwhile, the screaminggrows and grows.
ANI. Dean? End of Act One
DEAN. Miles?
Miles isjust past them when a shot is heard, which hits Miles in
the back. He goesdown. Dean seethis. Ani seesDean seethis.
ANI. Miles?
A spot of blood begins to grow on Miles's backjust as Gloria
rushes onstagewith a gun, but she cuts behind the cubicles,
coming up behind Dean and Ani.
GLORIA. Ani.
Ani turns around, startled, sees Gloria with the gun. Gloria
shootsAni in theface. Ani goesdown behind the cubicledivider.
There is the sound of Anis labored breathing, before Gloria
shootsher again. Silence.Dean isfrozen.
DEAN. Gloria, no. No! No!
Gloriacomesaround to Dean, backshim into somefile cabinets.
His eyesare closed.His hands are up. He'sshaking.He'sbasically
cryingwithout tears,scaredout of his mind. He wetshimself
Please, no, no, no-Please!
GLORIA. Dean.
DEAN. I'm sorry-
GLORIA. Dean.

34 35

...
 Vanessa be getting so mad when I say that though. She be like,
"Shawn that is racist! ~hite people do not look alike!" And I'm
ACTTWO like, "Bitch, it's not racist if I say you look famous." I mean, it's only
racist if'I say you look like some basic run-of-the-mill white chick,
you know? It's not like I mistook her for Reese Witherspoon. There's
Scene 1 a difference. I mean people be mistaking me for somebody else all the
time. And that's the shit that be getting me mad, you know? That's
when I'm like, all black people do not look alike, you know what I
Eight months later. mean? It's like no, I'm not the guy who mowed your dad's lawn. And
A basically empty Starbucks in way West Midtown, sometime
no, I'm not your student from the ~ou did Teach for America!
Vanessa just be so sensitive. It's not like I tapped her on the shoulder
in the afternoon.
and was like, "Reese Witherspoon is that you?" I just said she look
Outside, it is winter. like Reese Witherspoon, because she got a Witherspoon face. I mean,
A bearded Dean sits at a table, reading and marking up a it would be different if somebody mistook me for somebody famous
manuscript, cup of coffee in front of him. He listens to music once in a while. That would be nice. But that, like, never happens.
on his iPhone. He doesn't look so well-a little skinnier, Eventually, a bundled-up Kendra has crossedpast the window
gaunt. His legsshake nervously. He occasionallyglances out a and enters now, maybe stomps the wet off her boots, pulls off
window. He is waiting for someone. her hoodie. Seeing her, Dean slips his manuscript under his
Bach'sMass in B Minor is still playing. seat and stands to greet her.
A Starbucks employee, Shawn, who looks a lot like Miles, KENDRA. Dean, I'm so sorry I'm late-the trains/ were-!
stands behind the counter, sort of staring at Dean. Dean DEAN. It's okay. Totally okay. Thanks for meeting me all the way
catches him staring but goes back to work. Eventually, Shawn up here.
just goesfor it:
KENDRA. Of course.
Beat.
SHAWN. Hey yo ... Hey! Hey! It's so good to see you.
He gets Dean's attention. Dean takes out his headphones and DEAN. It's good to see you, too.
the music cuts out. Beat, as they disengage.
Sorry-you just look so familiar. Do we know each other? How have you been?
DEAN. I don't think so. KENDRA. I've been ... prettygood. You know.
SHAWN. You not on TV or nothing is you? Beat, as Dean looks her over.
DEAN. No. And how are you?
SHAWN. A'ight. My bad. Maybe you just have one of them faces. DEAN. I've been worse.
You know, where you look like somebody? You ever get that? KENDRA. Right. Though, you look really good! I like the beard.
DEAN. Not really. DEAN. Thanks.
SHAWN. There this girl who works here-Vanessa? She one of Beat.
them girls that has Witherspoon face. You know how some white This is a little surreal-
girls just randomly be looking like Reese Witherspoon? Oh man, ,-..

36 37
KENDRA. Yeah, eight months. recount it over and over. .. I'm glad it all died down.
Beat. DEAN. Me, too.
You know, I actually tried to get in touch, but- KENDRA. But, oh my god, wait. Happy birthday!
DEAN. Yeah, I sort of fell/ off the map- DEAN. Ha ha oh god, it was-
KENDRA. And I didn't see you at anyone's funeral. KENDRA. I Happy belated birthday!
DEAN. I know, I know. I didn't-I didn't feel great about that~ DEAN. It was actually three months ago, but thanks.
but I heard they were nice. KENDRA. Thirty-OMG! Did you get to have a ... party or
KENDRA. They were. Especially Ani's ... And Kara's, actually. something?
Beat. DEAN. Not really. I spent it with my parents at their house. / And
Anyway, I'm glad you reached out. some friends from home.
DEAN. Can I get you something? Some kind of almond milk some- KENDRA. Aww, that's right, you're from-that's adorable.
thing something? DEAN. Yeah. But I'm definitely ready to get the eff out of]ersey.
KENDRA. Oh, no. No. I actually don't drink caffeine anymore- KENDRA. Wait-You moved back to New Jersey?
DEAN. Really? DEAN. (After a beat.) You didn't know about this?
KENDRA. Yeah-I can barely set foot inside a Starbucks- KENDRA. Know about what?
DEAN. Oh, I'm sorry-Should we not have met here? DEAN. Well, after Gloria and the media stuff, I had sort of a
KENDRA. Oh no! I just can't stomach the stuff. I'm fine. breakdown and had to be hospitalized-
DEAN .... Because of Glor-? KENDRA. Oh my god, Dean-
KENDRA. Oh yeah I mean yeah and I realized it makes me anxious DEAN. Don't worry-It wasn't for very long-I can't believe you
which is probably related because you know. When I drink it, it does didn't hear about this-
sort of remind me of where I was. KENDRA. No. Are you ...
DEAN. Sorry-We can totally go somewhere else. DEAN. Ami...?
KENDRA. No no no. If it were that bad I'd have to move. It's just KENDRA. Are you doing better-?
the taste. Like the same thing happens with Sarah Tweed now too. DEAN. Oh yeah-But while I was in there my parents came and
I mean, I'm sure you have a million of these things. packed up all of my stuff, and then it wasn't until I was home for a
Beat. month that they finally told me that they had contacted my landlord
So where have you even been? For a little while, it was like the only and broke my lease, and it was just a fucking nightmare-
place I could find you was on TV! KEND RA. Oh no!
DEAN. Yeah that was all a little intense ... DEAN. A fucking nightmare. It was like being kidnapped.
KENDRA. I felt so bad for you! It was like I couldn't change a Beat.
channel without seeing that same footage of you over and over But I'm actually in the process of moving back-though moving
getting carried out of the lobby- back to New York in your thirties is The Worst. I'm still trying to
DEAN. (Embarrassed.) God-where I'd pissed/ myself- find a place.
KENDRA. And then all those interviews you had to do about KENDRA. Oh god-Well I'll certainly keep my ears out for any
Gloria and her stupid party and what she said to you-having to leads.

38 39
DEAN. That's nice of you. KENDRA. But what about you?
KENDRA. Though what am I talking about? With that advance DEAN. (Gesturing vaguely out the window.) I literally just came
you got, I mean, you could just hire a broker. from a meeting with my editor and got about a million notes even
Beat. though I'm not even finished yet. But they're trying to rush it into
print, so ...
DEAN. (Modest.) Yeah, well...
KENDRA. They are?
KENDRA. You know, I just just found out about the bidding war.
Wait, where did you wind up again? I forget. DEAN. Yeah. Next summer.
DEAN. HarperCollins ... It was not my first choice, but I was in KENDRA. And is it still called Zine Dreams?
the hospital during the auction so my agent went with whoever DEAN. No. I changed / the title.
offered the most. KENDRA. (With a laugh.) Thank god-To what?
Beat. DEAN. Uh .. . Gloria, weirdly enough ... Their idea.
Anyway, how have you been? You left the magazine? KENDRA. Not that weird ... Is Gloria a big ... part of it, or?
KENDRA. I actually left like two weeks after-after you- DEAN. No, no-or I mean, not exactly-Or not entirely. It's still
DEAN. I can't even believe they reopened. a memoir technically-but obviously it ends with her. And there's
KENDRA. I know. How disgusting was that? But, you know, I stuff about our .. .interactions woven throughout.
was having lunch with Eleanor yesterday and she says the place is a KENDRA. And you're okay with that?
disaster. Everyone is either new and stressed out or just traumatized. DEAN. Well, I can't not be okay with it. It's my life.
She gives it a year. KENDRA. I'm sorry. I'm happy for you-I'm just suffering from
DEAN. That's nice you're still in touch with Eleanor. a bit of Gloria fatigue. Isn't it so creepy how in the wake of some-
KENDRA. Yeah... How about Nan? Are you two- thing like that all people can care about is the er etrator? It's like,
DEAN. We email. people, why are we giving her w at s e wants? This sort of atten-
tion is obviously why she did it. Like all that terrible stuff about her
Beat.
alcoholic dad and his pistol collection. As if there was actually more
Anyway. So what are you doing now? to say than that she was a psychopath with a gun? I mean what
KENDRA. Oh, just some freelancing. about the eighteen people she shot and maimed-not to mention
DEAN. Really? the ten she killed, right? Maybe it's worth telling their stories.
KENDRA. Yeah... DEAN. Yes, I remember this from your proposal.
DEAN. I thought I heard somewhere you got a book deal? KENDRA. Excuse me?
Beat. DEAN. Isn't your whole concept like a focus on the victims, or
KENDRA. Oh, yes. Well, that, too. But that literally just happened. something? A chapter per victim? Am I just making that up?
Wait, how did you hear about it? Beat.
DEAN. A little birdie. Called the internet. KENDRA. You read my proposal?
Beat. DEAN. I did.
But I think FSG is a great fit for you. How far along are you? KENDRA. Where?
KENDRA. Well, I just started, so ... DEAN. A little birdie at FSG.
DEAN. Right. Beat.

40 41
But you have nothing to worry about. It's really strong. Very tight. work. Do you know what I mean? Since we're both writing about
And your sample chapters? So moving. Especially that chapter on that time and that place-
Miles and his family. And Ani. I have to admit I was kind of blown KEND RA. What could I possibly have to write about you, Dean?
away. I have just never seen you write like that. That you were a mediocre assistant with a drinking problem?
KENDRA. Not like I ever had the chance ... DEAN. I don't know, Kendra. It's not my book.
DEAN. True. Though I always liked your Twitter. Startsgoing throughhis bag.
Beat. I think it would just be a good idea if we bury the hatchet, if there
Are you writing about me? even is a hatchet. Because who wants, like, a literary feud, right?
Beat. And it might be nice to actually be watching out for each other, you
KENDRA. Excuse me? know, as we're both embarking on this new chapter in our lives.
DEAN. Are you? KENDRA. Sure, Dean.
KENDRA. Uh, don't flatter yourself ... Are you writing about me? DEAN. Okay great!
Beat. Beat.
DEAN. Well, I mean, it's a memoir. Because there's this weird thing ...
KENDRA. Uh-huh. And what have you written? Dean pushesa small stack ofpagestowardsKendra.
DEAN. Nothing really ... Yet. KENDRA. Uh, what is this ... ?
Beat. DEAN. It's a little something that my lawyer and agents drafted
up and I guess it's something they want us to both sign.
It's actually been a weird experience trying to write this. Do you
know, I've actually blacked out most of that day? KENDRA. Saying what?
KENDRA. You did? DEAN. It's a kind of non-disclosure agreement? But I guess it's
totally a formality at this point, since you're not writing about me.
DEAN. I can only seem to recall it in bits and pieces-and putting
it all together has really forced me to reflect a lot on that time and Beat.
myself and who I was ... back then ... before Gloria, and I've kind of KENDRA. Dean, this is crazy. I'm not signing this.
come to this conclusion that maybe I wasn't ... the best guy ... that I DEAN. Oh no no no, you can take it home, if you want-/ Show
was an asshole basically-which might have something to do with your-
that environment-but also you know I was drinking a lot and sort KENDRA. Dean, I'm not signing this.
of unhappy with where I was in my life and only kind of realizing
DEAN. But you just said you're not writing about me.
this-And, anyway, it's just, it has all kind ofled me to this place of
really wanting to apologize to you ... for anything I might have said Beat.
that hurt your feelings or anything like that- KENDRA. Obviously I am writing about you, Dean.
KENDRA. You don't have to do this. Beat.
DEAN. No, but I want to. After Gloria, you're the freaking face of the tragedy. It's unavoidable.
Beat. Every news item features you / or quotes you or-
Also, I guess, I feel like it is one thing to have felt-or still feel!- DEAN. Right, but I don't think this says you can't write about me.
however we felt slash feel towards each other, but I guess it would be I think it's more about what you write about me. And, if you read
another thing if these feelings sort of ... found their way into our it, you'll see it cuts both ways-We each basically get approval over

42 43
how we appear / in the other's- So what's the threat here? IfI don't sign this thing, you're going to like
KENDRA. Are you insane? You are not going to tell me what I can "defame" me in your memoir? You'll say that I was competitive-
and can't write. that I thought I was better than you? Go ahead. I wasn't there to be
liked. I was there to be a writer.
Beat.
DEAN. What I'll say is that you're writing an exploitative book/
You don't, like, own this experience Dean. You are aware of that?
in order to save your non-career-
DEAN. With all due respect, Kendra, don't I? Or at least a little
KENDRA. Exploitative?
more than you. You weren't there. You were at Starbucks. Nothing
happened to you. DEAN. You are not some sort of investigative journalist! No one
is asking you to write this! There is nothing that qualifies you to
KENDRA. But everything happened to you?
write it. And, honestly, I think you know this, which is why you're
DEAN. Were Miles' last words to you? How about Ani's? Do you bending over backwards with this crap concept about "victims."
know the sound she made between the first and second bullet? You are not a victim. You are just a leech-a parasite-and these
Does that sound keep you up at night? Or what about Gloria? Do "victims" to you are nothing but an excuse to pad a portfolio of
you know what the look in a person's eyes is like right before they blogs about dresses.
shoot themselves in the face? No. I didn't think so. But this is my
KENDRA. A very bad thing happened to both of us!-to all of
lived experience, my actual life and I just can't have you tarnishing
us!-yet you seem to think it happened only to you. Why is
it with your-with your-
that? Because you went to Gloria's dumb party and she saved
KENDRA. With my what? you? Because you were "a witness" to everyone's last moments?
DEAN. With your ambition, Kendra. I cannot have you ... profiting Because you're entitled enough to think the world automatically
from my ... trauma. cares about you and what you feel and what you saw? You did not
KENDRA. Your trauma? You think I wasn't affected by this? survive some Holocaust.
DEAN. How?! DEAN. You don't know what I survived.
KENDRA. Do you know what it was like to stand outside that Beat.
building and see them cart away body after body and not know KENDRA. I mean, you are aware that the rest of the world has
who was in the body bags? I lost friends, Dean! moved on from Gloria, correct? And it's still moving. Every other
Beat. week there's another tragedy, Dean. Every other week there's another
DEAN. Kendra, are you really going to sit here and tell me you disgruntled somebody mowing down a movie theater or a shopping
mall or a kindergarten or a doctor's office. With every bullet that
actually considered any of these people "friends"? When you made
leaves another gun, Gloria recedes further and futher into memory,
no secret of what you thought of that place or how much better you
thought you were than everybody else? When you tore apart every- becomes a shorter and shorter sentence in the annals of American
one's work behind their backs? When we were all either competition violence. The only thing anyone will probably remember about
to you-or, worse, just an audience to the tragedy of your thwarted that day is that Sarah Tweed died.
talents? Ani and I were the only people who would put up with you Beat.
and that's because we had to. And, honestly, if you hadn't excused So what makes you think that anyone cares about what you saw? I
yourself to Starbucks, Gloria would have killed you. mean, what is the endgame here for you, Dean? Do you honestly
Beat. believe an actual writing career is waiting for you? A career as what?
A "memoirist"? Do you think you're still in some race? Do you
KENDRA. But she didn't. And here we are: the survivors.
think we're equals?
Beat.

44 45
 Beat. SHAWN. Well maybe you should just stay in here for a little bit
DEAN. You know, I haven't written my ending yet. And this will just in case.
make an interesting scene. Beat, looking out.
KENDRA. Have you really been sitting here this whole time Who was chat?
thinking about the scene this would make-how you would write KENDRA. Nobody.
this all down?! God, this is so sad. Gloria didn't save you, did she?
SHAWN. Really? I thought he looked familiar.
She thought she was saving your life, but there was no life there to
~~What was ;JI tfiat worth now, Dean? Aflrnat networking? All KENDRA. He's a crazy person.
at self-righteousness? All chat slaving away in that cubicle being SHAWN. Maybe I just knew he was gonna be trouble. Sometimes
Nan's lapdog? Was it worth it? Your fifteen minutes as a footnote in you can just tell, man. A person just wears it on their face. You can
the life of our office psycho? just sense it when they walk in. Dudes can't be hitting on females.
DEAN. Be careful you don't wind up in my book. That's not right.
KENDRA. Be careful your book doesn't wind up in my book! Nan, who looks a lot like Gloria, walks in with Sasha, an
editor at a nearby publishing house and former assistant, who
Beat.
looks a lot like Ani. Sasha is in the middle of greeting Shawn
Don't you see it's over, Dean? Every breath you've taken-every when Nan seesKendra.
dream you've dreamt-Gloria took it. It's hers now! They're even
SASHA. (To Shawn.) Hi.
renammg your memoir Gloria. I mean, maybe it's time to wake up,
ean. Maybe those "Zine Dreams" are dead. Maybe the life means NAN. (To Sasha.) Wait a second. (To Kendra.) Kendra?
nothing now. Your life means nothing. Cut your losses and start over. Kendra wheels around, sees Nan, not sure if it's her. Beat, in
Dean reachesacrossthe table and slaps Kendra acrossthe face. which she doesn't say anything for a long time.
Shawn reacts. KENDRA. N-Nan?
SHAWN. I Whoa! Hey! Hey! NAN. What a surprise! Wait, did I just see Dean on the street?
DEAN. There's your violence, you bitch! Don't tell me my life KENDRA. Yeah-We just had coffee.
means nothing! You don't know what it was like! You don't know NAN. Oh!
what it was like! KENDRA. What are/ you doing here?
SHAWN. Hey, man! Stop! Stop! Take chat out of here! NAN. (To Sasha.) That was Dean! (To Kendra.) Long-standing
Dean starts to gather his things. coffee date. That is so great that you two are still in touch.
KENDRA. (Shouting after him, taunting.) No. But I know what SHAWN. (To Sasha.) I Can I start your order?
that was like. And I know how my book ends! KENDRA. Yes!
SHAWN. (To Dean.) You gotta get out of here! Get out of here! SASHA. I Yes. I'll have a skim macchiato with extra foam.
Dean exits. Shawn makes sure he'sgone. Kendra seems genu- KENDRA. How are things at the magazine?
inely freaked out but tries to hold it together.
NAN. Oh, I actually left about a month ago.
What was that? Are you okay?
KENDRA. You did? For where?
KENDRA. I'm fine. Do you have ice? I think I need ice.
SHAWN. I Anything else?

-
SHAWN. (Getting her ice.) Do you want me to call somebody or-
NAN. (Opening her jacket, revealing.) Well, I'm pregnant-
KENDRA. No.
KENDRA. Oh! / Oh wow!

46 47
NAN. Yes. Eight months. And it's twins. NAN. Eleanor Gardner's old assistant. Kendra Something. Did
SASHA. Excuse me-Nan? Can I get you something? you overlap with her?
NAN. (Moving for her wallet.) Oh, I can- SASHA. No, but she seemed a little aggressive...
SASHA. Stop-It's on us. NAN. Yes. Eleanor used to refer to her as the "Tiger Daughter."
NAN. Just tea. Chamomile. SASHA. Oh no-Isn't that a little offensive? ~
SASHA.• (To Kendra, being polite.) Hi. NAN. Calling her a tiger?
NAN. Oh, this is Sasha Leven/son- SASHA. Yeah, like that whole Tiger Mom thing, or-?
KENDRA. Yes, I totally know/ who this is! NAN. Oh! Oh right. Wow I never put that together ... But Elea-
NAN. Oh, okay. I didn't know you already- nor's great-She's just old. The point is that she was afraid of her.
I once asked Eleanor why she didn't just fire the girl and she told
KENDRA. Hi. You used to work at the magazine. me she was too scared that if she fired her, Kendra would just
SASHA. (To Shawn.) And a Venti chamomile, / please. climb the ladder somewhere else and come back to haunt her.
NAN. Anyway, it was time. And I wanted to see what this kind of Called her an ambition junkie. And Eleanor would know. I mean,
life might be like. she's been in the business so long, she's seen every type of anybody
KENDRA. Yes. And that work/motherhood balance can be so that has ever passed through this world. And she was right. I mean,
difficult. the girl just sold some book on Gloria and she wasn't even there.
NAN. Uh-huh ... Plus the atmosphere there was just getting too SHAWN. (Setting out a drink.) Skim macchiato / extra foam.
oppressive. SASHA. Oh that was Kendra Park!
Beat. NAN. -Yes.
KENDRA. Well, we should do lunch or something soon? SASHA. How many more books about Gloria can that place take?
NAN. (Sort of cagey.) Oh- NAN. She sat in the cubicle right next to Dean, too.
KENDRA. Or, like a coffee maybe, or something- SASHA. Poor Dean-You know, we actually tried to bid on his
NAN. Of course. Let me- Will you just email me? My schedule's book-
crazy but- NAN. You did?
KENDRA. Totally. SASHA. Yes, though they were just these sample pages from a
NAN. You can get my email from Dean. memoir he'd been shopping around-Did you ever see them?
Beat. NAN. Of course I did-
Well .. .I have to get my drink now. SASHA. Just terrible, right? And the whole thing was so icky with
his little agent holding that auction less than a week after the
KENDRA. Right! I've got to go, too! It was nice running into you.
shooting. But I just was trying to be supportive because, of course,
NAN. You, too. I knew him and I spent the whole time thinking, "It could have
KENDRA. Bye! been me in that cubicle!" You know?
SASHA. Bye-bye. NAN. Did you know Gloria?
Kendra exits. SASHA. Of course I knew Gloria. Didn't you?
NAN. Good god. NAN. Actually, Sasha, I barely knew the woman. Isn't that terrible?
SASHA. What? Who was that? ·- And, apparently, Gloria and I were the exact same age and we'd

48 49
~ Jt»,lii t-f
started around the same time. Isn't that crazy? I mean, we must DEAN. What, I can't say hi to my fr-my friend?
have worked on something together at some point but I usually SHAWN. (Handing over the manuscript.) Dude, I'm not getting
request Christine. fired for any craziness-
SHAWN. (Setting out another drink.) Venti chamomile. NAN. What is going on?
SASHA. (Retrieving her drink.) Thanks, Shawn. DEAN. (To Shawn.) Fine! I'll just stand in the door! Can I do
NAN. Ugh-I want to talk about something else. Let's sit by the that?! (To Nan.) Hi, Nan.
window. NAN. (Seeing something in his face.) Are you okay?
Beat. DEAN. I'm great-
How are things at- Beat.
Drinks in hand, they go find a table to sit at. Is that-ls that Sasha?
SASHA. Fine. You know: It's books. People kind of still read them. NAN. Yes!Your old predecessor-
Kind of. Sort of. Oprah fucked us. Then e-readers fucked us. SASHA. Hi, Intern! I barely recognized you with your beard. How
Amazon is still fucking us. And now this new publisher's trying to are you doing?
push this new acquisition model, where all we try to do is get things
that someone will want to option for a movie so that it will be DEAN. Good.
turned into a movie so that we can get the book sales. So we make SASHA. Are those the proofs for your book?
books that feel like movies. I feel a little screwed. I got in to this DEAN. Yes.
business to make books I really cared about-that spoke to me and SASHA. I'm so looking forward to reading it!
my generation. Now half my list is YA Crossover-
DEAN. Don't hold your breath.
Dean crossesin front of the window.
SASHA. Excuse me?
NAN. Is that Dean?
DEAN. I said don't hold your breath. I may be dead-I mean I
Dean reenters to retrieve the manuscript he left under his seat. may die first-I mean I may be dead before I ever finish it. Or
Shawn seesDean, makes a move as if to block him.
SHAWN. Man, what are you doing? ~AJVBeat. fJ'
DEAN. I left something! Relax! What are you guys meeting about?
SHAWN. Alright, well where is it? I'll bring it to you. NAN. Oh we're ... just catching up-
DEAN. What am I? Like banned from this place? DEAN. (To Sasha.) I've been trying to get a coffee with this one
SHAWN. Yo where is it? for months. You'd think five years would put you at the top of
DEAN. It's right there, under the chair- Those papers- some list but I guess not. (To Nan.) Did you get any of my emails?
NAN. Dean? NAN. Yes!Sorry. I'm so behind. But you know-
DEAN. Nan- Gestures to her stomach .
NAN. Is everything okay? And it's so hard without a superstar assistant!
DEAN. Yes, uh-hi! Beat.
Dean makes a move towards Nan. Shawn stops him. . . . But we ran into Kendra!
/

SHAWN. Hey, come on. Don't do this to me. ,_

DEAN. You did?

50 51
NAN. She says you two reconnected? somehow-like I was supposed to protect him, but protect him
Beat. from what? I just feel so guilty.
DEAN. Tell me what to do. Beat.
NAN. I'm sorry? It's just so hard to watch-when something like this comes out of
DEAN. About my book. You're an editor. How do I fix it? How do nowhere and just derails your. .. just derails everything. I just wish
I rethink it? How do I un-think it? What do I do- things would go back-to the way they were. And not just for
him. But for me too. I mean, I was on the other side of the glass
Dean has a panic attack, falls to the floor, etc. when the woman blew her brains out!
NAN. Dean! What's going on? SASHA. Oh god-I didn't know-!
DEAN. I'm fine. I have to go. I have to go. NAN. And I'd just been talking to our intern, who she shot like
NAN. Oh, uh, okay- five minutes after he left my office-Did you ever hear anything
DEAN. I'll talk to you. about him?
Dean exits. SASHA. What? No?
SASHA. (Scared.) Should I not have brought up the book? NAN. Oh, it's actually the saddest story. Somehow he's been, like,
NAN. (Also scared.) What do I do? Do I go after him? completely just written out of the whole thing. His name was
Mark. One of Richard Morrison's students? He was this incredibly
SASHA. No no no-!
bright kid. Black. Harvard. Anyway, it was going to be his last day
NAN. (To Shawn.) Why wouldn't you let him in? working with us-
SHAWN. He slapped that girl earlier. SASHA. Oh my god.
NAN. The one who was just here? NAN. I know. And anyway he did that thing, where he asked to
SHAWN. Yeah. meet with me before he left, which was so sweet-
NAN. Oh my I god. SASHA. Oh I love when interns do that.
SASHA. He slapped her? (Off Shawn's nod.) She didn't seem like NAN. Me, too, but you know, sometimes it can backfire. And I
she'd been slapped! wasn't completely expecting him to be a suck-up, but I did brace
Nan has a moment. myself. But then he came in and sat down, I asked him how he
Nan, are you okay? had enjoyed his experience, and then he told me that it had just
been, "Okay."
NAN. What do I do, Sasha?
SASHA. What?
SASHA. This is my fault. Do you want to go somewhere else? I
should have known we would run into everybody here. Or do you NAN. And, of course, I was like, "Tell me more?" And what I
want to reschedule? realized is that Richard Morrison has filled this poor boy's head
with all these stories about how fun the office was, how crazy it
NAN. No, no. I just need a minute. was back in the day, and he'd been disappointed. Of course, he was
Beat. talking about the time back when they had martini carts making
I mean, he's right. I've been ignoring his emails but I just haven't the rounds every day at four and there were always these illicit affairs
had room in my life for-for that! I'm pregnant, for crying out happening all over the office and coke being done in bathrooms
loud. I have a family on the way. So. But it was also five years we and all sorts of other hijinks, and yes, I guess that exact historical
spent together. He knows some of my habits and quirks better
than David does and I also feel like I've ... watched him grow up - time did sort of ... produce ... the most interesting work? But it was
also-

52 53
SASHA. Pre-internet. happened. Heard those gunshots and those screams and before I
NAN. Yes, well, I was going to say a disaster, but, yes, pre-internet, knew what was happening, I was underneath that desk. He was
too, I suppose. dead. And then I realized I was pregnant-
SASHA. Well, there was no internet. When you sat at your desk, SASHA. What?!
ou had no choice but to work. And then when you were done NAN. I just put it together. I'd been vomiting all morning and I
working, you went crazy. -·-- ----------- had missed my period but I'm so stressed all the time missing a
Nm:-Yes but it was also a financial disaster-mostly because every- period isn't even a-okay, TMl-but flash forward, I'm under-
one was walking around with these substance abuse problems- neath my desk, trying not to breathe, afraid I would make some sort
and that's half the reason why we went corporate the way we did- of noise and it took me some minutes to realize I was clutching my
got bought out-We were so in the red. But anyway, Mark was belly. That was where my hands went. Straight over my stomach.
saying, basically, that he thought he was going to be somewhere And I was thinking to myself, "Who did this?" It was like some
that was ... more charged, more vibrant ... and he found it lacking. part of me was alread workin , without m"Wen noticing it. It was
And he told me some story Richard had told him about his early ·• e some part of me had already ma e t e ecis10n\Vlthout my
days there and it was a funny story-God what was it? It was a conscious self even noticing it. And I just kept thinking, "Who did
story I actually knew, because I was there and now I can't remember this? Did I do this? Did I do this?"
it-it'll come to me-but, anyway, it was a funny story, a funny Beat.
story for him I guess but it was a memory for me, like a genuinely I was under that desk for hours-
funny memory for me-and it was strange to feel your experience SASHA. What?
come back to you that way, a story in some young person's mouth.
NAN. Yeah, everyone else got out pretty much as soon as it was
And we were laughing about it. We both found ourselves laughing
over-I mean the whole thing must have taken fifteen minutes-
over this thing that he'd only heard about and this thing that I'd
but I didn't know what was going on-I didn't know it was over,
actually lived through and we were just laughing, it was weird. And
and, you know, just my luck, Gloria decides to end her killing
then, almost as suddenly, we realized we were laughing and then
spree right in front of my office. She kills herself right there in
the laughing stopped and-it was like he was reading my mind
front of my door. There were three bodies less than ten feet away
when he asked me, "What happened?" And I paused for a second
from me, blood everywhere. I could see it, all over the glass. And
and I didn't know what else to say except, "Things were different
I just couldn't open the door. I just refused. I just sat and my
then." And he says, "Different how?" And I said, "Everyone was
whole life just flashed before my eyes and all I could think of was
young an_ddidn't kno~he.y: :weredoin~. Eveqtthi.~w the intern who said he'd had an okay time and I thought to myself,
~mg and aiway1Aisco_yg_~d..tMa-1t-g0t-cl~gru..cld.
And now things are different." And it was quiet for a moment and
we talWabout a few more things, all the while I'm thinking, "Did
--
-"What has my tim.kbeen here for me? Q.!gy~
~~,
all that okay
-
I really just say that?" And he got up, and just before he left I found Beat.
myself blurting out, "If you ever want a career in publishing ... " Eventually, I came to my senses and called 911 and the police
Just like that. And I knew that it was me like doing that last-ditch found me. They cleared a path and walked me out with a coat
pitch thing-trying to convince myself that he was young and naJ:ve over my head and it was a nightmare. My shoes kept slipping on
and that I was wise and the one witn an the power-as 1f I hadn't the ... Anyway, that's when I blacked out. The next thing I know,
just told this boy that he llaathe power, that youth was ... But he I'm sitting on my couch with my husband, watching all these
just looked at me with the saddest, most knowing look on his news reports about this woman I barely knew and my assistant
face, and just thanked me and left. Then, five minutes later, Gloria

54
- being carried away, and it was suddenly like I didn't recognize

55
anything-or anyone-anymore, including myself, not my new Scene 2
self or my old self-I did not recognize the person I'd been for the
last however many years and I did not know the person sitting on
that couch watching TV with my husband except that I knew Years later.
that that was the real me. It was like some spell had broken and I The office of a film/television production company somewhere
still don't know if it was a good or a bad thing. But it's totally in Los Angeles.
changed me. I feel changed.
A cluster of two cubicles. One is empty, the other is occupied
Beat. by Callie, who looks a lot like Ani and Sasha, and sits reading
SASHA. Nan! Where did that just come from? a manuscript. She is rapt and a little emotional, dabbing
NAN. What? occasionally at her eyes with a ball of tissue. She reads and
SASHA. This story! How have you never considered turning this emotesfor a stretch before Rashaad, who looks a lot like Miles,
into something? enters with his new employee, Lorin.
NAN. Into what? It is a little awkward between them, but Lorin is in surprisingly
good spirits.
SASHA. Uh, a book?
NAN. Oh come on, I thought you said everyone was sick of stories
about Gloria-
RASHAAD. And so that's basically the tour.
SASHA. Well, yes, for a bunch of twenty-somethings writing
LORIN. Cool.
about it. I mean, for them, you know-and my heart really does go
out to all of them; no one should have to go through something Beat.
like this-but this is like the only real thing that's ever happened to RASHAAD. (Indicating the cubicle next to Callie.) And here's where
them. No wonder they're all scrambling to get it down on paper. you'll sit.
But you've got experience. You've witnessed things and, unlike LORIN. Okay, great.
them, Gloria is not the defining center of yo~~S-the Beat.
backdrop to a v~ry real~':e_ryhuman realization about.tim{;...passage
RASHAAD. (Indicating a nearby door.) And my office is here.
and mothernood and mortality. These are things that people-real
peq)le-can connect to.~- -- -- LORIN. Okay.
Beat. Beat.
NAN. Do you really think there's something there? RASHAAD. Cool.
SASHA. Yes. Beat.
NAN. You know, I had actually been wondering ... Oh and-just a heads up that there's not a whole lot to do right
now, since we're between cycles, so most of what you'll be doing is
Beat.
answering phones. I hope that's not too weird.
What do you think I could get?
LORIN. Nah, not weird at all. I answer a mean phone.
Blackout.
RASHAAD. Of course.
Bach's Mass in B Minor continues.
Beat.

56
- I'm sorry and can you remind me your name again?
LORIN. Lorin.

57
RASHAAD. That's right. Lorin. Lorin, Lorin, Lorin. Forgive me. the side, sits back, and heaves a satisfied sigh.
I'm just, I'm completely terrible with names-I'm good with faces- CALLIE. (Small, to herself) Oh my god.
just terrible with names.
Beat, in which she stews in her feelings, blows her nose, tries
Beat, then indicating.
to pull herself together.
All right! So my office is- LORIN. Are you okay?
LORIN. Right.
CALLIE. Yes. Hi. Sorry. I was just like-
RASHAAD. You can just knock if you need anything. I'll see if I She gestures to the manuscript.
can rustle up some scripts for you to read. It might be good for you
to get to know some of what we're working on, I guess? LORIN. No problem.
LORIN. Totally. CALLIE. You're Rashaad's new assistant.
RASHAAD. All right. I'll print them out and ... LORIN. Uh, I guess ... Lorin.
Gestures to a printer. CALLIE. Callie.
LORIN. Okie-dokie. Ihey shake hands.
So weird right? He looks like he's, like, nineteen?
With an awkward smile, Rashaad disappears into his office
and slides the door closed. Lorin notices Callie. He stares LORIN. Who?
awhile, before: CALLIE. Rashaad.
Hi. LORIN. Oh-ha-A little bit, yeah.
Callie doesn't respond, absorbed as she is in the book. Lorin CALLIE. He just just got promoted. Like two weeks ago, he was
sort of takes that as a cue to sit down and mind his own busi- an assistant-and he was sitting right there where you're sitting.
ness. He turns on the computer at his desk and stares at Callie Then he started optioning people's Tinder profiles and now he's a
as it loads. She reminds him of someone. She eventually feels VP and it's like what the fuck is even happening right now? But I
him staring at her and looks up. Ihey meet eyes. mean like there is all this turnover here, so what can you do? I just
Hi. wish he wasn't, like, being so gross about it-I mean, like his hiring
Callie doesn't say anything, looks so disturbed, forces a smile,
you- What a douche move, right?
goes back to reading. He looks around for what he should do. LORIN. Well-
Lorin watches her read for a bit, thinking about Ani, before CALLIE. I mean, no offense-but you could almost be his dad,
he realizes that his computer has loaded. He tries to log in right? It's such a power trip. So annoying.
and fails. Beat.
Hey, I'm sorry, but do you know what the log-in is for this computer? LORIN. I'm not that old.
Beat. CALLIE. I mean-you know what I mean.
CALLIE. (Sounding on the verge of tears.) I.T. was just here to set it LORIN. Yeah, well, I wasn't exactly "hired." I'm a temp.
up. He'll be right back.
CALLIE. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Oh oh oh oh-
LORIN. Okay ...
LORIN. I was just placed here until, I guess, he ... finds someone
For lack of anything better to do, Lorin settles in, takes out his more permanent.
headphones and his phone and checks his mail or something.
Eventually Calliefinishes whatever she'sreading and puts it to

58
- CALLIE. Oh! Oh, okay. They might hire you! That's happened
before. Are you interested in television?

59
LORIN. Not really. I'm just doing this while I prep for the LSAT. CALLIE. No way!
CALLIE. Okay. How long are you here, do you know? LORIN. Yesway.
LORIN. Just a month. I think. CALLIE. Oh my god! Oh my god!
CALLIE. That's good! Maybe you'll like it so much you'll wanna Beat.
stay? LORIN. (Re: the manuscript.) Do you think I'm, like, in it?
LORIN. How long have you been here? CALLIE. 1-1 don't know-
CALLIE. Coming up on two years. LORIN. Can I see chat?
LORIN. Nice. You like it here. CALLIE. (Handing it over.) Yes. Of course! Oh my god.
CALLIE. Oh, yeah, I love it. I'm a big book nerd and my boss does Beat.
book options, so, I basically just get to read a lot of stuff before it You know, she's coming here in like ten minutes for like a meeting?
comes out. It's nice.
LORIN. Nan?
LORIN. Yeah, looks like you were in it just now.
Callie nods.
CALLIE. Oh? Oh yeah, I'm doing coverage, but this is actually an
amazing book. Remember those terrible shootings that happened Wait-Are you guys making a show out of this?
at that magazine like ... years ago? CALLIE. Uh, well, we have the film rights.
LORIN. Yeah. Very well actually. LORIN. You do?
CALLIE. Ugh, I know-I was obsessed-But this is like someone's CALLIE. We bought chem off the proposal-but the feature guy
memoir about it? who handled them left and my boss thinks we should pitch it as a
LORIN. Is chat Gloria? limited series.
CALLIE. Oh no-but I read that one. I thought it was, like, kind LORIN. (Flipping through it.) What the shit! Why? Why is it so
of pretentious and had no story. What did you think? good? .
LORIN. I didn't read it. CALLIE. Well, I mean, it's just a very well-written, very like
moving personal story and, um, basically, she has this amazing
CALLIE. Oh. Well, I, you're not missing anything. And didn't it frame where she's underneath her desk and you don't totally know
come out later chat the girl who wrote it was like in a Starbucks or why, but then you realize that the shooting is happening, and it
something when it happened? Anyway, this one is like a million all takes place inside of her head during like the two hours she
times better- had to be under the desk, because she didn't even know when the
LORIN. Who wrote it? shooting was over and then once the cops came they sort of made
CALLIE. (Checking the book.) Uh ... Nancy Martin? her stay in the office after it was over because they had to, like,
LORIN. You're fucking kidding me? Nan Marcin wrote a memoir remove the bodies that were blocking her door. And, so basically
about Gloria? her entire life is flashing before her eyes underneath chis desk and
you just hear about like all of these sacrifices that she had to make
CALLIE. You know her?
and how she'd like started to hate herself and then, basically, in the
LORIN. I kind of know all chose people. end, she looks down and she realizes that she's been clutching her
CALLIE. You do?! stomach for like two hours and reveals that she just figured out
LORIN. Yeah. I worked there. I was there when it happened ... she's pregnant, basically, with like twins? And she's forty. And she
Gloria.

60
- realizes that she, like, has to have these babies if she gets out of here,

61
and so then there's like all this tension about how she may never get DEVIN. Hey. Somebody need I.T.?
out alive?1,\nd it's just basically about how like, wherever like death LORIN. Oh, yeah, hi. I'm Lorin.
~nd chaos lurk, th~ like, ~? And that that is basically the
DEVIN. (Gets to work on Lorin's computer.) Hey. Devin.
human experience? It's JUStso emotional.
Devin works on Lorin's computer.
LORIN. God that is such crap. Nan was a total ice queen.
LORIN. (Making conversation.) Is everyone who works here, like,
CALLIE. Really?
twelve?
LORIN. Yeah. And she was an editor. The editors didn't even, like,
DEVIN. I know, right? Where you here from?
see anything.
LORIN. I just moved back from New York. I'm actually from here.
CALLIE. Really?
Jenna and Callie reenter from Jenna's office. Jenna goes
LORIN. Yeah. Someone saw Gloria loading the guns in the supply
straight up to Lorin.
closet and went to tell the managing editor who sent out an email
to all the editors telling them to lock their doors and stay inside, JENNA. I'm sorry. Callie just told me everything. You were there?
because the glass surrounding their offices was apparently bullet- LORIN. Yeah.
proof or shatterproof or something? CALLIE. Hey, Devin!
CALLIE. Whoa. JENNA. Do you know Nancy Martin? She's like coming here in
Beat. like ten minutes!
How did you survive? LORIN. I mean, we worked together for a long time-
LORIN. Uh, I. .. saw people running so .. .I ran, too. JENNA That is nuts! Did you know she's coming in here in like ten
CALLIE. Oh ... minutes?
Jenna, Callie's boss,pokes her head out of her office. She looks Rashaad comes out of his office.
a lot like Kendra. RASHAAD. Guys, could you keep it down? I'm watching something.
JENNA. Callie! What is going on? I need that coverage! JENNA. Uh, did you know your new assistant worked at that
CALLIE. (Gathering the manuscripts.) Sorry, Jenna-I finished but magazine where that lady shot everyone?
I got distracted so I can totally tell you what it's about. RASHAAD. From the Gloria project? Oh snap.
JENNA. Fine. (To Lorin.) Hi. Thephone on Callie'sdesk buzzes.
LORIN. Hi. JENNA. Oh my god-Is that her? That's her!
JENNA. Are you Rashaad's new assistant? CALLIE. (Into the phone.) Yes. Hi. I'll come get her.
LORIN. Sort of-I'm temping. Hangs up.
JENNA. Ahhhhh-I see. It's her.
Beat. Callie exits.
Well, welcome. JENNA. How long has it been since you and Nancy have seen
LORIN. Thanks. each other?
Jenna and Callie exit into Jenna's office. The door slides closed LORIN. Yeah, not since it/ hap-
Meanwhile, Devin, the I T guy, who looks a lot like Dean, JENNA This is going to be crazy! What are you going to say?
enters.

62
- LORIN. I don't-I don't know-

63
RASHAAD. Wait, where is marketing? We should Snapchat RASHAAD. Okay, you keep saying that, but if she was so normal,
this-no, Facebook Live it- ~ then why did she shoot all those people? That's normal?
JENNA. Wait-Did you know the shooter, too? LORIN. I just think people have really exaggerated her ... person-
LORIN. Gloria? Yeah, I guess ... ality ... I don't think anything about her, like, screamed killer. I
RASHAAD. Really? We've been waiting for someone to tell us mean, she kept to herself but she was otherwise normal. She read a
about her, but like nobody seemed to really know her. lot. She always made her own lunch and brought it to work in these
LORIN. That's not true. She'd been there a long time. A lot of little Tupperware containers and the lunches always smelled good
people knew her. when she reheated them in the microwave and they seemed like
they took a lot of time to prepare. And she would always offer you
JENNA. What about the guy who was her best friend? The one she some if you asked about them. She spent a lot of time in the fall
saved? Did you know him too?
knitting, so I guess she was crafty. She once knit me a pair of socks
LORIN. Dean? He wasn't her best friend! when I asked her, too. And I was sort of joking but she did it anyway
JENNA. Didn't he have a memoir, but it never materialized? What and they lasted a long time and they were really warm. She liked
happened with that? television. She was normal. She did normal things. If anything, she
LORIN. Uh- was really just alone at her job, which is fucked up because the job
was her life, and, in some way, I'm not surprised she did what she
JENNA Do you know if he ever finished it?
did. It wasn't the healthiest work environment- Like, it could
RASHAAD. Hey, Jenna? Let's have one question at a time? Lorin, have been any of us.
sorry dude. Do you know what packaging is?
DEVIN. Then why didn't you shoot everyone?
Lorin shakes his head.
LORIN. I just don't understand why you need to make a movie of
No. Okay, packaging is when we take a movie star and attach this or cast anything! Like why don't you just make up your own
them to script in order to add value to it so that it will get done. story? Like why do you have to use Gloria's?
Now, if we were going to package Gloria, who would you cast as
JENNA. It's not Gloria's story. It's Nan's story.
Gloria? I mean, it could literally be any star. Dream big.
LORIN. What? No it's not! This was like a group experience! This
LORIN. Gloria? A star? I don't know ...
was a thing that happened to a lot of people! Not just Nan! Nan
RASHAAD. Okay ... Like can you give us some sense of her didn't see anything! Nan was part of the problem! Nan didn't know
qualities? Gloria. Nan probably never even noticed her. And, honestly, if
LORIN. I don't know-she was pretty normal? Like maybe a little Gloria worked here, if she walked in the door right now, you prob-,
awkward? ably wouldn't even notice her either!
JENNA. A little awkward? Callie enters with Nan.
LORIN. Just shy. She kept to herself. CALLIE. Here she is ...
RASHAAD. Okay, that's good. What else can you tell us about her? Beat. Nan clearly has no idea why everyone is standing around
LORIN. I don't know-She was from, like, Florida? looking at her.
RASHAAD. That is so creepy. (Alternate line: "Good. Creepy.''.) NAN. Hi.
LORIN. It wasn't that creepy. She was actually very smart, very JENNA. Hi, Nancy.
well-read. And she could be really nice sometimes-even funny. I Everyone looks at Lorin expectantly.
mean, she was normal-

64
- LORIN. Hi ... Nan ...

65
NAN. (Clearly not recognizing him.) Hi? RASHMD. Why does that guy have such a bad attitude?
Beat. NAN. So, uh, Jenna-should we start?
CALLIE. Don't you guys know each other? JENNA. Oh, yeah. Yes. Do you want anything?
NAN. Dowe? NAN. I would love a coffee.
LORIN. I think we used to work together? CALLIE. I was just going to go for a Starbucks run. What do you
NAN. Oh! Oh my god, hi! Remind me your- want?
LORIN. Lorin. NAN. Just a regular coffee. Large. Skim milk.
NAN. Oh! A fact-checker, right? Hello! It's been years! How are JENNA. Actually, could you get me an almond milk cortado with
you doing? four shots?
LORIN. Good. CALLIE. Okay.
NAN. It's crazy what happened at the office. With Gloria? Obvi- JENNA. (To Nan.) Come on in.
ously you heard- Jenna and Nan exit into Jenna's office.
LORIN. Yeah. I was there ... CALLIE. (To Lorin.) You want anything?
NAN. Oh! Oh of course! Of course! LORIN. No. I'm good.
Beat. RASHMD. Actually I'll take-
But can you believe it's been two years? CALLIE. Rashaad. You have your own assistant.
LORIN. Yup. It's all just a memory now. Beat. Rashaad and Lorin awkwardly lock eyes and smile at
NAN. Sometimes I think about it and I'm like-did that even each other.
happen to me? LORIN. I can get you something.
Beat. RASHMD. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ... You know, maybe in a
But look at us, huh? little bit.
Beat. Rashaad exits back into his office.
You're out in LA now- CALLIE. (To Lorin.) I think Rashaad is like afraid of you. That is
hilarious.
LORIN. Yup ...
Beat.
NAN. Working in television! How exciting!
Okay. BRB.
LORIN. I'm actually just temping.
Callie starts to exit, just as Devin is reentering.
NAN. (Disappointed) Oh ...
Hey, Devin, I was just about to make a Starbucks run. Do you
Beat.
want anything?
Well it's good to see you!
DEVIN. I don't drink that shit.
LORIN. Yeah, you, too.
Callie exits, as Devin crossesto Lorin's cubicle with a piece of
Beat, in which everyone seems completely underwhelmed. paper.
DEVIN. Wait, dude! You're a temp?! UGH! Oh ... my ... fucking ... No one tells me any fucking thing around here and I wind up
god. looking like an asshole. Okay, so here's the deal. If you're a temp,
Devin walks off - you don't get your own ID. You get a temp ID. This piece of paper

66 67
("
has all your log-in information. LORIN. No. Don't even worry about it.
LORIN. Oh. Okay. Beat.
DEVIN. That's it? DEVIN. See you later.
LORIN. I guess so. Devin exits. Lorin sits at his computer desk. He logs into his
DEVIN. (Starts to exit.) Good fucking luck at this fucking place! computer.
LORIN. Hey. Nan's laughter comesfrom Jenna's office. It annoys Lorin. He
Devin stops. tries to ignore it but, eventually, there'smore laughter and then
someone else down the hall starts having a loud conversation.
Thank you. I really appreciate your help.
Lorin tries to deal with it, but he can't. He puts on his noise-
DEVIN. (A little taken aback.) You're welcome. cancelling headphones, plugs them into his iPhone or his
Beat. computer, and plays the Sarah Tweed song extra-loud.
LORIN. Do you want to grab a drink sometime, or. .. ? Meanwhile, the printer next to him churns for a bit, starts to
Beat. print, stops, and then beeps loudly. Rashaad's door slides open.
DEVIN. Uh. That's reallynice of you but I actually have a girlfriend... He seems to be calling for Lorin, but can't be heard over the
music.
LORIN. Oh-No! I meant, like, just a beer or something.
RASHAAD. Hey, Lawrence!
DEVIN. Oh! Oh god/ sorry-
Beat.
LORIN. I'm not-
Louis?
DEVIN. Sorry-
Beat.
LORIN. I was just curious about about I.T.-what's going on
around here ... Liam?
Beat. Beat.
DEVIN .... But aren't you just a temp? Lars!
LORIN. Yeah, I'm trying this thing out where, like, I wanna know Alternate line note: The order and contents of this list of "L"
the people I spend my whole day with. names are subject to further testing.
Beat. Blackout.
DEVIN. You know, I'm not gonna, like, shoot up the office.
End of Play
LORIN. No, no-I'm just trying to be more ... present or something.
Beat.
I've forgotten how to be .. .in an office. I just started to be more
comfortable around people again. A year ago, I couldn't even step
foot in a place like this.
Beat.
DEVIN. Okay. Yeah, sure. I've got time for a beer.
LORIN. Cool.
DEVIN. That was so awkward. I'm sorry.

68 69
 PROPERTY LIST
NOTES
Headphones (Use this space to make notes for your production)
Phone
Money
Bottle of aspirin
Purple Vitaminwater
4 Starbucks coffees
Shopping bags
LUNA Bar
Pile of manuscipts
Book proofs
Plastic bag full of vomit
Gun
Cup of coffee
iPhone
Non-disclosure agreement
Ice
Tissues
Noise-cancelling headphones

SOUND EFFECTS

Bach's Mass in B Minor

"Sarah Tweed" alt-rock song
Gunshots and screaming

70
 NOTES
(Use this space to make notes for your production)