Dark Humour Quotes

“You will suffer, son of Hades!’
What else is new? Nico thought.”
― Rick Riordan, The Blood of Olympus

“Ah! You speak Levitan,” the man smiled. “But you’re not from Levita I think.” Like
most Levitians he was a good looking man, if perhaps a bit effete for Brown’s tastes. 
“No, I lived there for a while.” 
“Did you enjoy your stay?”
“Up to a point. The Levitian women are very beautiful.”
“Yes of course. So are the men in Levita,” the man smiled. “We used to have a
cleansing programme to ensure a healthy population.”
“You mean a culling policy, where you killed all the weakest members of the
population.”
― Max Nowaz, The Arbitrator

“Being magnanimous in victory usually worked, but to keep abreast of the situation he had to 
pump the girl for all she knew. Was there a pang of remorse for his actions in his mind? 
Possibly, but what choice did he have? If he wanted to survive, he had no room for weakness.”
― Max Nowaz, The Arbitrator

“Hours passed—or maybe days. It didn’t matter. The body adapted. But the mind—
The mind needed purpose.
      ”
― D.L. Maddox, The Dog Walker: The Prequel

“He looked at the silver pocketknife in his hand. An idea came to him – possibly the stupidest, craziest idea he’d had since he thought, Hey, I’ll get Percy to swim in the River Styx! He’ll love me for that!”
― Rick Riordan, The Blood of Olympus

“Remember! No questions. Follow my commands. There are reasons that will escape your human mind’s capacity. Just have faith. Don’t ask questions, don’t think for yourself, just have faith and do everything we tell you to do.”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“Babcock fidgeted with one of his cufflinks while staring down the remaining brokers in his office. He then delivered something akin to a pep talk in a severe tone. "... The world depends on our services. Services that must not be impeded. We don't break our backs producing things that have no real value—food, shelter, clothes ... art. No! We're titans of finance. We move intangible things and ideas around the world on digital platforms. No one else in the world can accumulate as much wealth as we do by simply moving around one and zeros on computers.”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“She was knitting a sweater and enjoying the calm atmosphere of her living room when her chubby, beer-drinking, sports-watching husband woke from a nap on the couch screaming, “Touchdown!” At the moment her serenity had been broken, she unconsciously reacted by swinging around and plunging a knitting needle into her husband’s throat. While blood squirted from his throat and his shocked face produced gurgling sounds, she lifted from her chair and drove the other knitting needle into his beer-ballooned stomach over and over again. Blood and beer gushed out of his belly like a punctured fish tank. As her husband gurgled and deflated, she stared down at him with a beaming smile. She had found her new hobby—annihilating assholes. She had cut up her husband into nice little pieces and used him as fertilizer for her backyard garden. Never again did her cozy house get raped by blaring sounds of sports emanating from a television set. The TV went into the garbage and the living room was converted into a tea room.”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“Until you accept that you’ll never get your problem fixed, whatever it is, you’ll be endlessly transferred from department to department until our call center closes. Sometimes you’ll be left on hold even after everyone at the call center has left for the day. Until you get exhausted with our run-around service and give up all hope, you’ll be stuck in The Circle Jerk. Right now, this very minute, you’re in The Circle Jerk, sir. Do you wish to continue circling or are you going to hang up your phone and go watch TV?”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“He hoped one of NASA’s defunct satellites would enter a decaying orbit, somehow not burn up in the atmosphere, and crash into the call center that had just kept him prisoner on the phone for several hours. He imagined all those lunatics at the call center spouting off scripted phrases and empty-headed impromptu dialogue right before being incinerated in an exploding fiery ball.”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“He tackled a woman's baby carriage. After the seven-month-old baby skidded across the pavement and began bawling his eyes out, Bill Brady started shouting at the toddler, 'What are you, a pussy? Walk it off! Walk it off!' After the mother shouted out her baby's age and how he wasn't able to walk yet, Bill Brady started barking in the vexed mother's face like she was a referee who had made a bad call.”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“I bet him and all his Guy brothers had burst through the nightclub entrance, poured an insane amount of alcohol into their systems, and snatched at anything with a pulse that wandered past their sloshed eyes. I bet after all the hoopla subsided, the demented Guys spilled out of the nightclub at some ungodly hour, intoxicated blood pumping, gallivanting around the city like foul beasts seeking their next series of exploitations.”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“The thin how-to book belonging to Smittie had a dark and perplexing title—HOW TO COMMIT SUICIDE EFFECTIVELY EVERY TIME.”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“Of course I’m sure! Jesus Christ, I’m goddamn God for fuck’s sake! Now quit sniveling and jump through that goddamn glass wall forthwith or I’ll leave you with the killer clones, revoking your Chosen One status and whatnot.”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“What a waste of trees ... that adoption author is definitely a tree killer. ... I wish trees would sprout legs and come barging through the front doors and seek revenge for their obliterated brethren by ramming themselves down his goddamn throat.”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“The clown wanted to bypass all medical care and cure his cancer with a naturopathic doctor. What a fool, right?” ... Karver’s smirk widened a little. “That’s right, my good man. They shouldn’t even be able to call themselves doctors. Making people eat roots, tree bark, dirt and whatnot. If they stopped trying to peddle their snake oil, maybe they’d stop mysteriously dying or disappearing.” Karver paused for a few seconds, grinning at Frank in silence, creating an awkward moment ...”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“Sharon, your wife, uploaded several photos of your urine-peppered toilet on a wives’ forum under the thread title THE IDIOT SATURATED THE TOILET AGAIN, and also under the thread title BAD AIM, A SMALL-DICK PREDICAMENT.”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“The waitress gave Dale the stink eye while collecting his discarded food and drink. While she performed the removal, Dale read the text on her shirt. I’VE MASTERED MY SHIT, SO IF WE’RE ARGUING DURING MERCURY RETROGRADE, YOU’RE THE ONE BEING A BITCH, NOT ME. I’M ENLIGHTENED, ASSHOLE.”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“Guests began drifting toward the edge of the lawn.
Jane heard the shift around her as someone whispered,
“Graham’s here.”
― D.L. Maddox, The Dog Walker: Secrets

“His dark hair was tousled from the wind, the
kind of mess that looked accidental but somehow perfect.”
― D.L. Maddox, The Dog Walker: Secrets

“If you removed all the arteries, veins, & capillaries from a person’s body, and tied them end-to-end…the person will die.”
― Neil deGrasse Tyson

“Congratulations, Huntress. You're officially a murderer. Welcome to the club.”
― Hafsah Faizal, We Hunt the Flame

“All I said was that I thought it was a judgement from God that Blyth had first lost his leg and then had the replacement become the instrument of his downfall. All because of the rabbits. Eric, who was going through a religious phase at the time which I suppose I was to some extent copying, thought this was a terrible thing to say; God wasn't like that. I said the one I believed in was.”
― Iain Banks, The Wasp Factory

“However, for all his affection and loyalty towards the animal, the dog would soon be leaving him - they would both be present at a celebratory dinner when they reached the roof, he reflected with a touch of gallows-humour, but the poodle would be in the pot.”
― J.G. Ballard, High-Rise

“SWAT? For me?" Still trembling, one hand clung to the ambulance gurney, the other held a massive sterilised cotton wool wad under my nose.
"Tactical Support was busy. You got Dennis and Arlo," said Harry, speed-reading the papers he'd snatched from inside my jacket.
Closest his hands had been to my chest in a long time.
"Which one broke my nose?"
"That'd be Dennis.”
― Morana Blue, Gatsby's Smile

“She was damned if she was going to let a little thing like decapitation stand in the way of keeping him.”
― Jane Timm Baxter

“In this city, funerals weren’t endings. They were invitations to war.”
― Yarro Rai, Vice and Virtue

“Poetry should be Salty, Bloody and Gone!”
― Gerardus Baron von Sachsen, Salty, Bloody & Gone: Myths the Sea Spat Out

“The sick feeling in his gut was either despair or his colon sloughing off its lining.”
― James S.A. Corey, Leviathan Wakes

“A week ago, in a minivan back in Virginia (three kids in the back seat, all of them very dead), Crazy Chris found a travel Scrabble set. Tina was a good player but got so drunk she passed out over her tiles. Lamar tried his best, but he can’t spell. Jack gave up halfway through so he could crawl into his sleeping bag with Stephen King. I won, but against an alcoholic and a dyslexic, it was sort of an empty triumph. A lot of post-apocalyptic victories are.”
― Sandra McDonald, Tupac Shakur and the End of the World