Daring to Trust Quotes

“The foundation of adult trust is not "You will never hurt me." It is "I trust myself with whatever you do.”
― David Richo, Daring to Trust: Opening Ourselves to Real Love and Intimacy

“The more invested I am in my own ideas about reality, the more those experiences will feel like victimizations rather than the ups and downs of relating. Actually, I believe that the less I conceptualize things that way, the more likely it is that people will want to stay by me, because they will not feel burdened, consciously or unconsciously, by my projections, judgments, entitlements, or unrealistic expectations.”
― David Richo, Daring to Trust: Opening Ourselves to Real Love and Intimacy

“The foundation of adult trust is not “You will never hurt me.” It is “I trust myself with whatever you do.”
― David Richo, Daring to Trust: Opening Ourselves to Real Love and Intimacy

“Now we are ready to ask, How can we know when it is wise to trust a partner? The answer will encapsulate what we have learned in this chapter so far. It is wise to trust when we see at least these six factors consistently present in the relationship: 1. Sincere work on letting go of ego for the success of the relationship. 2. A continual giving of the five A’s, shown by attunement to our feelings. 3. The abiding sense that the relationship offers a secure base from which each partner can explore and a safe haven to which each can return. 4. A series of kept agreements. 5. Mutuality in decision making. 6. A willingness to work problems out with each other by addressing, processing, resolving them together. This includes a willingness to declare our pain about what is missing in the relationship and our appreciation of what is fulfilling.”
― David Richo, Daring to Trust: Opening Ourselves to Real Love and Intimacy

“HOW TO KNOW IF SOMEONE CAN BE TRUSTED Use this expanded checklist to audit your relationship with regard to your partner toward you and you toward him or her. Show this list and your responses to it to your partner. Ask him or her to use the same list regarding you. If you or your partner are not truly described by this list of positive qualities, discuss what action you can take to change things for the better. MY PARTNER   Shows integrity and lives in accord with standards of fairness and honesty in all his or her dealings. (There is a connection between integrity and trust in the Webster’s Dictionary definition: “Trust is the assured reliance on another’s integrity.”)   May operate on the basis of self-interest but never at my expense or the expense of others.   Will not retaliate, use the silent treatment, resort to violence, or hold a grudge.   Predictably shows me the five A’s.   Supports me when I need him or her. Keeps agreements. Remains faithful.   Does not lie or have a secret life. Genuinely cares about me.   Stands by me and up for me.   Is what he or she appears to be; wants to appear just as he or she is, no matter if at times that is unflattering.”
― David Richo, Daring to Trust: Opening Ourselves to Real Love and Intimacy

“The ability to hear someone is really about trust, not simply about communication. A trust issue always lurks beneath a communication difficulty.”
― David Richo, Daring to Trust: Opening Ourselves to Real Love and Intimacy

“Safety refers to an inner sense that no harm will come to us for freely being ourselves in feeling, word and deed. Security refers to an inner sense that someone will be there for us.”
― David Richo, Daring to Trust: Opening Ourselves to Real Love and Intimacy

“Is more committed to being honest about his or her mistakes and apologizing when necessary than in defending his or her ego. A partner who can’t admit he was wrong but instead loudly insists he was justified in his unkind behavior is not a good candidate for intimacy. Imagine that same kind of ego in a doctor—or a president. (I recall an interview in which Henry Kissinger said that Richard Nixon did not end the war in Vietnam early on in his terms because “he did not want to be remembered as the president who lost a war.” Imagine having a son in the army with that attitude in the White House.) We can take both trustworthiness and untrustworthiness as information about whether a relationship can go on but never as an incentive to hurt back if we are betrayed or to stay put if we are hurt. We can also do an audit of our sex life:   How interested am I in being sexual with you?   How delighted am I by seeing you, being with you, or thinking about you?   How is our sexuality contributing to our intimacy?   Can we be intimate without having to be sexual every time?”
― David Richo, Daring to Trust: Opening Ourselves to Real Love and Intimacy

“Respects my boundaries—for instance, when I say no, he will back off. Tries to work things out by addressing, processing, and resolving issues as they arise. This means that his or her presence in my life has become reliable. In the face of difficulties and conflicts, it is not “Get me outta here,” as the Cowardly Lion would say, but “I still will stay with thee,” as Romeo would.   Does not jump to finding a solution when I tell him or her of a problem in my life but rather looks for ways to deepen his or her feelings about the problem and carefully inquire into what I really need in that moment.   Can listen without judgment (without a fixed or moralistic belief). I do not find myself saying or thinking, “He/she doesn’t hear me.” I notice that my partner is listening attentively to my words, my feelings, and my body language too. The ability to hear someone is really about trust, not simply about communication. A trust issue always lurks beneath a communication difficulty.   Does not give up on me or on anyone. My partner continues to believe in the inherent goodness and potential for enlightenment in everyone and believes that problems between himself or herself and others are workable. When others refuse that option and demand that my partner stay away, however, he or she gets the message and pulls back.”
― David Richo, Daring to Trust: Opening Ourselves to Real Love and Intimacy

“The partner who surrenders to the reality of who the other is notices the shape a relationship is taking but does not try to control its direction. Here is what aligning to the reality of the other may sound like to a man who is dating: “I enjoy her company, and I notice she enjoys mine. At the same time, she has many male friends with whom she shares her feelings and ideas at what seems like quite an intimate level. I want to honor that support system. I trust that her friendships are all as platonic as she says, yet doubts arise sometimes. I don’t want to jump to conclusions. I don’t want to demand that I be the one and only. But I do want to become special and primary if she is open to that. I can let go of that wish if it can’t match reality, to which I owe my main loyalty. I will open a dialogue with her about all this, state my concerns, and present my wish. I won’t do this all at once but time it all in accord with what seems right for both of us.” This is the healthy alternative to “I can’t trust any woman who has this many male friends.”
― David Richo, Daring to Trust: Opening Ourselves to Real Love and Intimacy

“If we struggle with low self-esteem and a partner is proved trustworthy, we might say, “She makes me feel so good that I forget my uphill battle with self-worth. I am dependent on her now to help me feel good about myself, and she dare not go off duty because I can’t provide that for myself.” This is not the foundation of a healthy relationship. We do not require our partner to give us more than about 25 percent of our total need for the five A’s (attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing). No single person should be expected to fulfill all or even most of our emotional needs.”
― David Richo, Daring to Trust: Opening Ourselves to Real Love and Intimacy

“Our trust is core trust because it is actually trust in the core of ourselves. Built into our human personhood is a gift from the universe. This gift is an ability, an inclination to make something good, growth-fostering, or useful out of anything that happens, no matter how painful or negative it is. This is also a way of saying that the universe is ultimately friendly, helpful to and in favor of our evolving richly in love, wisdom, and healing power. Thus, nothing is fully negative, since anything can be passed through the life-trusting core of us and be transformed. As early as the Book of Genesis, this possibility was noticed by humans and the word God was used for 'core' : 'What you intended for evil, God has turned into good' (Gen. 50:20).”
― David Richo, Daring to Trust: Opening Ourselves to Real Love and Intimacy

“The key is how we felt in relationship to our parents rather than some objective measure or standard of the care we received.”
― David Richo, Daring to Trust: Opening Ourselves to Real Love and Intimacy

“However, when we were not given reason to trust our parents, we may lack trust in the wider world.
Nonetheless, the capacity to trust is always present in some way, when it is met with attunement and reliability from trustworthy people who we find later in life.”
― David Richo, Daring to Trust: Opening Ourselves to Real Love and Intimacy

“When we find that our parents - or any person in our early or later life - are trustworthy, we are launched into an assurance that the world and others have what it takes to fulfill us. Our personal experience generalizes into an attitude toward the collective.”
― David Richo, Daring to Trust: Opening Ourselves to Real Love and Intimacy

“Only as people who become able to trust can we proceed along the path to a healthy, fulfilled life. This is because trust is the foundation of all human connections.”
― David Richo, Daring to Trust: Opening Ourselves to Real Love and Intimacy

“When we open to others, take the risk of trusting, and are not disappointed, we are, in effect, newly parented. The trust that was lacking in childhood is finally installed in us.
Neurologically, this can mean that we are restoring our neural networks for trust. In any case, early life experiences do not determine our future but only influence it, so we always have yet another chance at health and happiness.”
― David Richo, Daring to Trust: Opening Ourselves to Real Love and Intimacy

“Faith is trusting without auditing.”
― David Richo, Daring to Trust: Opening Ourselves to Real Love and Intimacy

“Most of all, we shall see how every one of our fears is a trust issue. We do not simply fear closeness, commitment, feelings, or giving our heart to someone. Such fears are the wake left by a dark ship called - Fear of Trusting Myself.
Thus, the foundation of adult trust is not "You will never hurt me" but rather "I trust myself with whatever you do".”
― David Richo, Daring to Trust: Opening Ourselves to Real Love and Intimacy

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― David Richo, Daring to Trust: Opening Ourselves to Real Love and Intimacy

“A declaration of our own history of trust is essential in understanding ourselves and in growing in intimacy with our partner.”
― David Richo, Daring to Trust: Opening Ourselves to Real Love and Intimacy

“Ralph Waldo Emerson spoke of this encouraging possibility in his address at Harvard Divinity School in 1838: “We mark with light in the memory the few interviews we have had with souls that made our souls wiser, that spoke what we thought, that told us what we knew, that gave us leave to be what we inly are.”
― David Richo, Daring to Trust: Opening Ourselves to Real Love and Intimacy

“Mark Twain humorously quipped: “No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.”
― David Richo, Daring to Trust: Opening Ourselves to Real Love and Intimacy